Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Ice Ice Babby

Me preparing dinner.

During the week I set out as part of a British team to trek to the North Pole. Bear Grylls was too ascared and had scheduling clashes or so he says so they needed someone pretty tough to take his place, that someone ........................... died when they slipped in the bath so they called on me.

Renowned Arctic explorer Pen Hadow lead the team, we were dropped onto the ice by plane. It would have been nice if the plane had landed but the pilot said it looked a bit slippery.

668 miles north of Canada, I did think about dropping in on my blogging chums that live in America lite but to be honest Canadians are a little creepy in their not Yank, not Brit and not French ways, its like they try to be polite to everyone and once you eat the cake your mind goes and you start to harvest the body parts of homeless people to feed yer dark Satanic overlord............. or is that just me?

During our 1,000 mile journey, we plan to take measurements of the thickness of the ice. Some people collect stamps or spot trains, its just our thing. We are expected to reach the North Pole in late May so this is definitely my last post at least until then.

Hadow had us would put on survival suits and swim, gaps in the ice dragging a radar system which will measure the thickness of the ice.

I may have been a fisherman but that doesn't mean I can swim well, I only half learned so I could swim under water at the local swimming pool and look at the weemen.

Hadow keeps ranting on about the ice cap melting at an increased rate because of global warming.

I did mention to him my idea of big solar or water powered ice cube making machines at the mouths of rivers to cool the world doon but the man just laughed at me, at me would you believe? what am I a clown? some kind of joke? I have several blogs packed full of historical and factual information, not to mention naked weemen.

Ann Daniels the other member of the British Catlin Arctic Survey group also known as 'The willy warmer' backed him up and started crying about whales and seals, for fuck sake and that woman is the navigator, what an important job, um how are we ever going to find the North pole? how about going north until we see it like duh! a big fuck off red and white pole, she kept making stuff up about true north and magnetic north, she should be at home in Devon looking after her 4 kids and leave the adventuring to us manly men who know what they are doing.

No offense to any clueless weeman reading this but their are no hair saloons out there on the edge.

We will be re-supplied every 20 to 25 days on the mission and have had to put on excess weight because, although we will be taking in 6,000 calories a day, they will be using up around 7,500.

I wanna bag myself a penguin as I've never tasted one before, In the UK there are these chocolate bars called Penguins and I was highly digusted when I found out they were not the real thing. I have my jar of miracle whip handy for when I do get one.



A man builds a four-walled house. Each of the walls, on the outside, face due south. The man looks out the window and sees a bear. What colour is the bear?

Its a black bear you fool, what the fuck do I know about building hooses? I'm back in sunny Callyfornia and about to get me gun, the bear may be on the state flag of Callyfornia but that is just a guide as to what you should kill.
The other members of the team had a dispute with me about something I am totally blameless on, go drag yer own radar fucking system what do I look like Flipper the bush kangeroo? Martin Hartley from London will take over from me and will be the expedition photographer, yeah yeah enjoy the cold ya Sassenach.

So jobless and back to blogging. I did help the Irish police recover 4 million euros stolen from the bank of Ireland in Dublin. There are only 4 Irish police for the whole country as its in the 3rd world, you should see the Irish army its a 73 year-old blind man with a pitch fork. Don't underestimate him he did put his own eyes out.

I actually recovered 5 million of the total 7 million stolen (£6.2m) in real money but I have me expenses


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8 comments:

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

"No offense to any clueless weeman reading this but their are no hair saloons out there on the edge."

Which is why they should get Brazilians before they go...

Daisy said...

don't forget your fur lined jock strap...they come in handy...so to speak...

MJ said...

Did someone mention cake?

Donn Coppens said...

Grylls was prolly getting his poncy little eyebrows waxed.

I found this posting to be highly informative but I would like to clarify a few items.

Canayjuns are all hyper-passive aggressive and will remain polite for years until one day, when you least expect it, they will say something really, really, mean about your favorite hockey team.

This inexcusable behaviour can be traced to the fact that we all suffer from the dreaded restless leg syndrome!

Also, I believe that the Bear in question would be white and it would be gnawing on your bony white ass long before you even woke up.

Thank You. I look forward to seeing more explicit pictures when the new National Pornographic arrives in the mail.

Boxer said...

admit it, that's not your dinner,

that's your date.

Selchie said...

brought tears to me eyes...)

Manuel said...

knew you couldn't do it.....

thankfully.....

angela's ashes said...

Return of the King, praise Manannan.