Monday, 23 February 2009

Rememorising About Me Past

Me and Audrey Hepburn, she had long passed her Roman holiday glory.

After the end of the second world war I was asked by director John Huston to star in a film along with Audrey Hepburn called 'The African king'. It was about me helping a missionary woman to sink a German patrol boat by ramming my boat 'The African king' into it in Eastern Africa during world war one.

Africa has a special place in my heart, Boer war, Apartheid, aids, famine and genocide ach I'm missing it just thinking about it. Nothing like gazing on the beautiful animals that God created in all his wisdom and shooting them. The locals laughingly called me 'endangered species Knudsen' but they always had food on their tables ............... yes I even gave them tables but they preferred to eat from bowls on the ground.

A lot of the movie was shot in Africa. Thats where John met Sissy and little Whitney Huston was born. What a fine child she was, always asking, "Uncle Knudsen what is that yer smoking, can I have some?"

Audrey suffered from the shits while over there but that still didn't stop me from hitting that. No not in a brutish way, well maybe a little bit brutish. Hitting is slang for fornicating though I may have punched her in the back of the head the odd time when she shat over me cock. We did the swimming scenes in a studio tank in England and it was like swimming in corn covered in gravy.

In Africa the caterers were local and served a dish known as 'long pig' it was very nice and tasted more like veal than pork. I later found out that long pig meant 'human' we filmed in the Congo so I'm not surprised, it did give me a taste for it and I've enjoyed it ever since.

Test audiences found my cockney accent too difficult to understand and to be honest Audrey wasn't the best choice for the role.

They remade the film with a few changes. Humphrey Bogart and Katerine Hepburn replaced us and even though that ugly cunt Bogart won an Oscar I don't think he was as good as me. The film was called 'The African Queen' which sounds right ghey and my version was released in Asia.


I did love the boat though. After the film it became a tourist boat but mysteriously sunk in calm waters with all 23 souls who were aboard in 1987.



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5 comments:

tony said...

"........like swimming in corn covered in gravy....." At least it wasn't Gone With The Wind

Daisy said...

"In Africa the caterers were local and served a dish known as 'long pig' it was very nice and tasted more like veal than pork. I later found out that long pig meant 'human'"...
i would think it would taste more like pork with all the pig headed people out there...perhaps you got lucky

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

"it did give me a taste for it and I've enjoyed it ever since"

I wondered where you got the taste for dark meat.

MJ said...

I should think you've had plenty of experience ramming your "boat".

Donn Coppens said...

Cool!
That was before Audrey learned elocution from 'Enry "Iggins innit?
Tha tew 'o you most 'av soun'd loik blawdy 'ell troiy'n ta fake y'er lines wid fancy-schmancy Yankee accents. Blimey!

Did you tell Bogie that he should start mumbling? That was mean!