Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Old Knudsen Takes A Bow

I'm at that point in my blogging career where I stop and think: " How come corn the ultimate recyclable food cums out in my shite but never a nice tasty pickled onion?" I'm sure you have all had the same thought in yer life.

This post is all about me being introspective. Have I lived a good life? does the things I did in that inflatable boat full of mud with the singers 'Pink' and that 'Kerry she kissed a gurl lass' count as good or bad? how will that cunt St Peter founder of the Fenian church see it?

I swore an oath to her majesty the Queen her heirs and successors to defend the crown and I've been doing it for the Queen for years.

I've also done the Queen .................. Andrew (named after a Scottish golf course) I have something to tell you.

I have found the secret of everlasting life, the secret is to not want to live forever and God who is a contrary cunt makes you immortal, or is it immoral? I get confused which led me to cut the green wire, you never cut the green wire its a double bluff you cut the red wire unless yer colour blind and then you cut the puce wire, is that actually a colour? it sounds like something that weeps out of a boil.

I made enemies with the Diocese of Leeds when I posted a story on my news blog. I may have exaggerated and used real names but its fucking satire not satyr so a legal letter to Google was disproportionate, unlike the invasion of the Gaza Strip which was justified. Should have turned it into a car park.

I have posted many beautiful weemen but mostly just half naked ones.

Things have sometimes gotten a little hairy.

But I over came or came over all.

Including a jealously driven spam campaign, I'm telling ya, that gorilla was fucking bananas, smug fucking cowardly denying passive aggressive cunt.

I have posted some great posts, nay works of art. Read and re-read and maybe you'll learn how to blog.

Last week I killed Osama Bin laden. Like many an evil villain he came back to life when my back was turned rising up menacing behind me extremely slowly and then legged it out the door, fucking bastard I didn't even get my just rewards for catching him. Its a young man's game.

I tried to warn you all about the secret lemur world domination plan only to have several people go "huh?" well those people will die horribly because the ones in the movies that never believe the hero until its too late always die.

I have rememberised about my service in Her Majesty's armed farces. Above is me in Belfast in the early 90's about to cull some Taigs, not as widely known as the 'Battle of the revolting Fenians' otherwise known as Bloody Sunday (we won) this day was known as 'flesh wound lunch hour' well I tried but they replaced our powerful SLR's with these crappy plastic SA80's now we are just as effective as Americans. The enemy have better weapons for fucks sake.

I went on to Camp eagle in Kuwait seizing the oil rigs in Iraq before they could be blown up, no I don't expect yer thanks ............. money is enough.

Officially I'm a Colonel though I've been busted many times but thats personal, don't ask don't tell. I don't like to brag but I am the greatest thing since sliced bread and that was pretty fucking great.

Since moving to Southern Callyfornia I have joined the NRA, The 30 second men and the senior branch of Homeland security. I mostly look through me window blinds and look for terrorists. I have now come to recognise the difference between some brown people and don't call the hot-line (its a recording) every time I see a Mexican. I still call when I see a black person as they are bound to be up to no good.

Remember when I went to Texas and nearly got killed by zombies? then I met a woman on the line in Florida who was a total crackheaded slut (94% of the state) and we met up only for me to find out she was part zombie on her father's side and she changed me when she roughly used her teeth on me willy. Yank weemen really need to get used to normal, intact men with foreskins. They be great sex virgins until they experience a real man the way God intended ................ call me.

Yeah that was during my angry posting phase, I was changed, insulting everyone and calling people cunts, Fenian cocksuckers, Sceptic tanks, wankers, sluts and lunch-box lickers oh boy did I have issues.
I got some cream and the burning and itching went away. Though strangely enough you were still cunts, Fenian cocksuckers, Sceptic tanks, wankers, sluts and lunch-box lickers.

Ach I've stretched this out too much.

Its doesn't matter what people call you, don't let it bother you, just make sure they end up dead and buried in the desert and everyone who ever knew them also dead.......... thats in the Bible you know, some where at the back.

I've been blogging since August 2006, almost everyday. In fact I had to stop myself posting everyday as it seemed as if I had to .................. for the kids.

I went on holiday with Manuel and LMM, what a lovely couple, I'll never forget the orgies. YouTube took them doon the bastards.

Anonymous Boxer showed me her Chihuahua.

Donn Coppens showed me his massive army of the north.

MJ showed me enough for me to pour bleach into my eyes.
Mago showed me it was ok to feel.

First Nations made me feel like one of her family.

Many bloggers came and went, a few stayed and passed me around their friends like some kind of drunken homeless person. They are all in my links or followers (the fools)

Ah my readers of the night, what crap comments they make.

I went into business with Haliburton supplying expensive rations to the troops.

I also sold weapons to our allies and anyone with money or gold. Of course I did background checks, Blackwater trained me well.

Ben told me I had to return to the island . I told him to get lost ...................... on DVD.

I've had a swinging time but after a while dancing on the table loses its appeal.

I have often wondered who I am and woke up to find I was

This man. Then I realised no I was just trapped inside his body, "DAMN MY BLACKOUTS!"

Here I am, the fallen angel Old Knudsen, ready to save the day and fly off with the damsel in the see through dress.
Soaring high up in the sky as floating rocks and clouds go by.

Brazil, where hearts were entertaining june
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured "someday soon"
We kissed and clung together.

Then, tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say
Now, when twilight dims the sky above
Recalling thrills of our love
There’s one thing that I’m certain of
Return I will to old Brazil
That old brazil
Man, it’s old in Brazil

Brazil, Brazil

Will I return? who knows what I will say is, "Now you've read this fuck off."

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MJ said...

I will not fuck off until you've wrestled nekkid with Manuel.

MJ said...

Takes a bow?

How about a curtsy, gurlyboy?

Anonymous said...

Bow, stern and aft ... yes, that's what I need on a grey lazy Tuesday afternoon that feels like rainy Sunday, that my favorite Blogger jumps the olde mule for the last ride, achach ...

MJ said...

What is the difference, if any, between a Scottish "achach" and a Franconian "achach"?

Leah said...

Bereft I would be if this should come to pass.

MJ said...

It's not all about you.

We have NEEDS, you know.

~Babz~ said...

Entertaining as usual, Darling. I've missed ya Da, I do mean it. I would however, enjoy watching you wrestle nekkid with Manuel. When do tickets go on sale? Do you take Mastercard perhaps?

Big Butt Love,


Manuel said...

you don't have the balls to quit......you need the love/hate.....it feeds you.....

oooh show us your desk.....


MJ said...

Manuel, you desk hoor.

I'd like to see you bent over, trousers down, on that desk of yours.

Show us THAT.

Anonymous said...

Don't know how these Scottish aboriginies speak and pronounce it, maybe something like "ak-ak".

The Franconian says "ach" as a sound of deep felt frustration, disappointment about the ways of fate and live - here is the sum of generations' experience of vanitas - Ach!

And it helps to clear the throat.

Selchie said...

Ha ha like your Bin Laden joke. Good to see you got over being angry.... mm... have a good day.

Boxer said...

If this truly is the final bow....

can I have the cap?

See? I didn't think it was really over.

WT said...

Amazing! I can't believe you stopped wanking long enough to do a post of this magnitude.

Donn Coppens said...

Oh no you don't!
We're just getting started.

tony said...

Jeeze.......& it's still only Wednesday!

MJ said...

I told you Boxer is an opportunist!

*grabs cap for safekeeping*

Donn Coppens said...

I just finished re-reading your colourful career on the interwebs and I am so glad that I have had the chance to be a part of it.

Ten years from now when archeologists are mucking about what's left of the interwebs after WW3..Old Bitter Balls may be the only reminder of what the world was like...HAHAHAHA
wouldn't that be awesome!

*I'm glad you survived the not-so-secretive spammers, as did I...
some day..some day
*diabolical laughter

MJ said...

If Coppens sends you nudie pics of himself, will you reconsider?

Conan Drumm said...

That Brazil, where the nuts come from?

Now fucking off, as ordered.

Selchie said...

taking a bow? surely not? I've left you a bloggie award on my site, not as fabulous as your oscar I know but I put out a red carpet out for you...
Taking a bow? do you mean a courtsey? Stop slacking and get on with the next post... ;p

TachaƩ said...

holy fack where do i start ?

from hairy girls, to weenie yanking, to zombies?

Brilliant!! Lets make a movie!!

savannah said...

well ok then, but i know ya'll are comin back! and anyway, ya'll knows where to find me, sugar! ;)

Anonymous said...

Savannah - you mean
"Zombie-Knudsen - the revenge"?

CHEF TROLL said...

You're a useless cunt.

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

I give him maybe 2 days before he totally starts jonesing for blog, bad. And when that happens, he will OD, sending out a rush of 30+ posts, all on one day.

Now, just to spite me, he'll stretch it out to 3 days.

Ms Smack said...

But but but you put SO much work and time into your blog, with the photoshopping and comedic posts.. you are jokin' right?

You'll get withdrawal!

angela's ashes said...

I never doubted you about the lemurs, not once, not ever.

MJ said...

Hi Angela.

Why don't you offer to take over his blog while he takes a holiday?

Boxer said...

Hellooooooo, is this thing on?

DON'T make me agree with Troll.

Manuel said...

right right you've had your fun now get on with it you lazy get......

Pearl said...

Oh, SURE. The taste was free, and now I'm left with an addiction.
Old Knudsen, I hardly knew ye.
Ya ol' SOB.


angela's ashes said...

Thanks MJ, but alas no-one could hold a candle to the Master for He is the greatest blogger in the world and to immitate Him would be a blasphemy.