Thursday, 12 February 2009

The Bestiality

A while ago I was diagnosed with terminal herpes ............ I was devastated. A TV cable company wanted to cash in on my deadly illness and I had some rent to pay so I accepted the lead in a cop show called 'The Bestiality'. It was a show by the producers who watched a lot of 'The Shield' and loved Desperate Hoosewives so what they got was a show that tried to be gritty and tough but suspended belief so they needed publicity which is where my closeness to death came into it.

I played an unorthodox but effective FBI veteran, Charles Fraker , who takes on a rookie partner. Tough and on the edge in a psychologically driven show about undercover work, where a moment's hesitation can lead to death. I also strangled small animals while I fucked them to death. Ach the things they made me do, being a method actor I wanted reality and counted on being dead before any one arrested me oh never mind what I did thats not the point.

I was about to be splashed all over the tabloids looking ill but still working like a real trooper and then you know what happened? a fucking miracle, I got better. For fucks sake they couldn't replace me fast enough.

Luckily Patrick Swayze an actor famous in the 80's was dying of cancer and needed the work.

I get to be all bitter now. The only reason people will watch it will be to see how bad he looks. How the fuck can he throw people up against walls and be menacing when it looks like he is about to pass out?
At least I had the tough Scottish angle which means on my death dead I can still beat the snot out of ya.

Oh scary scary the skinny sickly bloke is going to barf on me if I don't talk I think I'll withhold information to see if he dies soon, oh stop punching me it tickles.

I hope Swayze took acting lessons cos he is crap, you can't go through yer life depending on yer hair and lop sided grin forever, well if yer Harrison Ford you can.

They changed the name to 'The Beast' cos due to treatments he can't get erections so the bestiality got cut. I think thats sad cos it was an integral part of who Charles Fraker was and it gave him the edge over other lame ass cops.

I'd watch it too see how bad he looks but the over acting and the faked intensity would give me a relapse.

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Bass Ackwords said...

Nobody puts Beast in the corner!

Hopefully Sam Elliot will show up to help him give a proper whumpin' to the bad guys like he did in Roadhouse...and then Sam can say "the Dude abides" like he did in The Big Lebowski.

Sam is the only acter what punounciates werds proper. All them other fellers have fancy city aksents...cept fer that Gump feller.

MJ said...

I'd call Lee Van Cleef in to squint at him.

Selchie said...

Ha ha ha..still laughing, a ray of light in this nonsense world.

Heff said...

Not a big Swayze fan here, either.