Friday, 27 February 2009

No Seriously

la la la la la, la la la la la.

da da da.

la la la la la , la la la la la.



I have better things to do

I wanna focus on my .............................................................................. porn career.

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I have a great post tomorrow by the way, I'm am so super psyched. Its like a cross between Alien versus Predator and High noon with a tad of The way we were thrown in. I have this little worm that digs its way out of my head and tells me these ideas, I call him Andy, no not the worm the guy hanging from the rafters in me garage, he doesn't look like an Andy but that is the clever part of it.

I remember the first time I found out that bodies kept for any length of time may swell up and explode. I was on me way to the job centre when I saw in the bushes what looked like one of them black velvet riding hats, it was too small for me but I kept it anyway. I wondered how they lost it and then out of the sky a bright light appeared fuck I hate the sun it still burns after all these years and as for garlic do you want to smell garlic farts for 5 days? no really its an offer.

Ever notice how garlic and Gaelic are similar? which is funny cos the Irish smell too and I can't understand a thing that garlic says.

The easiest way to poison someone is to inject Hydroclorisamide into their toothpaste, just enough to get used up, it works in 3 hours and is almost undetectable and by the time anyone looks the trace elements are gone. I never brush me teeth with toothpaste I use paint thinners, shit now you know.

I'm not saying anything for certain but 'William Holden' shite films, cause of death he fell and hit his head on a bed side table. It was 3 hours after brushing his teeth.

Now I have to go underground I've said too much, see what blogging does? its like torture but thats enough about reading yer blogs.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Old Knudsen Takes A Bow

I'm at that point in my blogging career where I stop and think: " How come corn the ultimate recyclable food cums out in my shite but never a nice tasty pickled onion?" I'm sure you have all had the same thought in yer life.

This post is all about me being introspective. Have I lived a good life? does the things I did in that inflatable boat full of mud with the singers 'Pink' and that 'Kerry she kissed a gurl lass' count as good or bad? how will that cunt St Peter founder of the Fenian church see it?

I swore an oath to her majesty the Queen her heirs and successors to defend the crown and I've been doing it for the Queen for years.

I've also done the Queen .................. Andrew (named after a Scottish golf course) I have something to tell you.

I have found the secret of everlasting life, the secret is to not want to live forever and God who is a contrary cunt makes you immortal, or is it immoral? I get confused which led me to cut the green wire, you never cut the green wire its a double bluff you cut the red wire unless yer colour blind and then you cut the puce wire, is that actually a colour? it sounds like something that weeps out of a boil.

I made enemies with the Diocese of Leeds when I posted a story on my news blog. I may have exaggerated and used real names but its fucking satire not satyr so a legal letter to Google was disproportionate, unlike the invasion of the Gaza Strip which was justified. Should have turned it into a car park.

I have posted many beautiful weemen but mostly just half naked ones.

Things have sometimes gotten a little hairy.

But I over came or came over all.

Including a jealously driven spam campaign, I'm telling ya, that gorilla was fucking bananas, smug fucking cowardly denying passive aggressive cunt.

I have posted some great posts, nay works of art. Read and re-read and maybe you'll learn how to blog.

Last week I killed Osama Bin laden. Like many an evil villain he came back to life when my back was turned rising up menacing behind me extremely slowly and then legged it out the door, fucking bastard I didn't even get my just rewards for catching him. Its a young man's game.

I tried to warn you all about the secret lemur world domination plan only to have several people go "huh?" well those people will die horribly because the ones in the movies that never believe the hero until its too late always die.

I have rememberised about my service in Her Majesty's armed farces. Above is me in Belfast in the early 90's about to cull some Taigs, not as widely known as the 'Battle of the revolting Fenians' otherwise known as Bloody Sunday (we won) this day was known as 'flesh wound lunch hour' well I tried but they replaced our powerful SLR's with these crappy plastic SA80's now we are just as effective as Americans. The enemy have better weapons for fucks sake.

I went on to Camp eagle in Kuwait seizing the oil rigs in Iraq before they could be blown up, no I don't expect yer thanks ............. money is enough.

Officially I'm a Colonel though I've been busted many times but thats personal, don't ask don't tell. I don't like to brag but I am the greatest thing since sliced bread and that was pretty fucking great.

Since moving to Southern Callyfornia I have joined the NRA, The 30 second men and the senior branch of Homeland security. I mostly look through me window blinds and look for terrorists. I have now come to recognise the difference between some brown people and don't call the hot-line (its a recording) every time I see a Mexican. I still call when I see a black person as they are bound to be up to no good.

Remember when I went to Texas and nearly got killed by zombies? then I met a woman on the line in Florida who was a total crackheaded slut (94% of the state) and we met up only for me to find out she was part zombie on her father's side and she changed me when she roughly used her teeth on me willy. Yank weemen really need to get used to normal, intact men with foreskins. They be great sex virgins until they experience a real man the way God intended ................ call me.

Yeah that was during my angry posting phase, I was changed, insulting everyone and calling people cunts, Fenian cocksuckers, Sceptic tanks, wankers, sluts and lunch-box lickers oh boy did I have issues.
I got some cream and the burning and itching went away. Though strangely enough you were still cunts, Fenian cocksuckers, Sceptic tanks, wankers, sluts and lunch-box lickers.

Ach I've stretched this out too much.

Its doesn't matter what people call you, don't let it bother you, just make sure they end up dead and buried in the desert and everyone who ever knew them also dead.......... thats in the Bible you know, some where at the back.

I've been blogging since August 2006, almost everyday. In fact I had to stop myself posting everyday as it seemed as if I had to .................. for the kids.

I went on holiday with Manuel and LMM, what a lovely couple, I'll never forget the orgies. YouTube took them doon the bastards.

Anonymous Boxer showed me her Chihuahua.

Donn Coppens showed me his massive army of the north.

MJ showed me enough for me to pour bleach into my eyes.
Mago showed me it was ok to feel.

First Nations made me feel like one of her family.

Many bloggers came and went, a few stayed and passed me around their friends like some kind of drunken homeless person. They are all in my links or followers (the fools)

Ah my readers of the night, what crap comments they make.

I went into business with Haliburton supplying expensive rations to the troops.

I also sold weapons to our allies and anyone with money or gold. Of course I did background checks, Blackwater trained me well.

Ben told me I had to return to the island . I told him to get lost ...................... on DVD.

I've had a swinging time but after a while dancing on the table loses its appeal.

I have often wondered who I am and woke up to find I was

This man. Then I realised no I was just trapped inside his body, "DAMN MY BLACKOUTS!"

Here I am, the fallen angel Old Knudsen, ready to save the day and fly off with the damsel in the see through dress.
Soaring high up in the sky as floating rocks and clouds go by.

Brazil, where hearts were entertaining june
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured "someday soon"
We kissed and clung together.

Then, tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say
Now, when twilight dims the sky above
Recalling thrills of our love
There’s one thing that I’m certain of
Return I will to old Brazil
That old brazil
Man, it’s old in Brazil

Brazil, Brazil

Will I return? who knows what I will say is, "Now you've read this fuck off."

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A Total Insult

I get e-mails all the fucking time from readers and lawyers etc and sure I don't read half of them mostly just the ones with pictures attached.

I got an e-mail from a reader who sends me pictures of disgusting homemade porn of herself all the time, when I get about 20 or so more I'll be starting up a new blog about it. Anyway I won't give you her real name, I'll refer to her as 'BJ' from Canada.

BJ asks me:

Dear Old Sweet-cheeks What animal have you had sex with that most resembles a woman?

I was totally disgusted. How dare you. I enclosed the above picture to remind you that I'm a war hero, ach I don't like the word 'hero' anyone could have taken out that machine nest with an empty rifle using it as a club to bat away bullets and then killing the two Krauts with me bare hands and carrying 8 of my wounded comrades back to safety while under sniper fire with a painful blister on yer heel.

Anyone could have piloted their X-wing doon that stench trench on the Brown Star and fired their space bullets to hit a 3 inch target to destroy it thus saving a galaxy far far away.

And I don't think its very special to walk through Nazi invaded France to save a private Brian getting killed in the process just so he can fuck off home.

Well ok maybe I am a hero, perhaps a superhero but I don't like to brag but I have tourettes syndrome so I do anyway "ARSE" see? I even have it in type no impulse control at all .

I am revolted that anyone would think that I have had carnal intercoursal knowledge with a beast of the sea, sure I may have choked the chicken of the sea but that was for science.

Anyway in my experience the most human like animal to have sex with is a Dugong or sea cow or 4th wife.

Do you know what its like to catch yer wife with another man? probably not because I'm fucking fast on my feet.
I used to like to watch my wife with other men as I sat in a dark corner with just the glow from my cigarette showing.

That marriage didn't last long as she died unexpectedly when we took a road trip to Vegas back in 67. Fuck that was a hot year.

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A Piece Of Cod

Do you hate me because I'm all that?
Or do you hate me because yer a twat?
I yo yo diet to get my great look,
I'm working my abs while you read a book,
I maybe old but I'm solid and hard,
I'm a joker a lad a bit of a bard,
Please don't hate me because I look good,
Hate me cos I'm better than you and you know that you should ................. cunt!

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If I Only Had Some Cream

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Monday, 23 February 2009

Manuel In Chains

Well I just read that Manuel the waiter is cutting doon on his posting, he cites silly things like being busy as the reason but the above picture tells us the truth. The Crim himself. I won't tell you what he is in trouble for but it involves small animals . Remember people, read between the lines.

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Rememorising About Me Past

Me and Audrey Hepburn, she had long passed her Roman holiday glory.

After the end of the second world war I was asked by director John Huston to star in a film along with Audrey Hepburn called 'The African king'. It was about me helping a missionary woman to sink a German patrol boat by ramming my boat 'The African king' into it in Eastern Africa during world war one.

Africa has a special place in my heart, Boer war, Apartheid, aids, famine and genocide ach I'm missing it just thinking about it. Nothing like gazing on the beautiful animals that God created in all his wisdom and shooting them. The locals laughingly called me 'endangered species Knudsen' but they always had food on their tables ............... yes I even gave them tables but they preferred to eat from bowls on the ground.

A lot of the movie was shot in Africa. Thats where John met Sissy and little Whitney Huston was born. What a fine child she was, always asking, "Uncle Knudsen what is that yer smoking, can I have some?"

Audrey suffered from the shits while over there but that still didn't stop me from hitting that. No not in a brutish way, well maybe a little bit brutish. Hitting is slang for fornicating though I may have punched her in the back of the head the odd time when she shat over me cock. We did the swimming scenes in a studio tank in England and it was like swimming in corn covered in gravy.

In Africa the caterers were local and served a dish known as 'long pig' it was very nice and tasted more like veal than pork. I later found out that long pig meant 'human' we filmed in the Congo so I'm not surprised, it did give me a taste for it and I've enjoyed it ever since.

Test audiences found my cockney accent too difficult to understand and to be honest Audrey wasn't the best choice for the role.

They remade the film with a few changes. Humphrey Bogart and Katerine Hepburn replaced us and even though that ugly cunt Bogart won an Oscar I don't think he was as good as me. The film was called 'The African Queen' which sounds right ghey and my version was released in Asia.

I did love the boat though. After the film it became a tourist boat but mysteriously sunk in calm waters with all 23 souls who were aboard in 1987.

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Monkey Boner

Remember, if you star with an animated monkey yer career is at rock bottom.

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Sunday, 22 February 2009

Love Me As I Scorn You

The Harris poll named after the famous Australian painter Rolf Harris is out. It asked Americans who they most admired. Considering 36% of Yanks don't believe in evolution this should be good for a laugh.
You can see I didn't make it into the top ten which is disturbing but not surprising. Americans aren't big on remembering history and probably think it was Old Yeller who saved the world from Dr Destructo and not me. I have pointed out some of the most admired peoples faults because as I am without sin I can cast the first half brick.

1) Barack Obama.......... killed a puppy with his bare hands just for fun.
2) Jesus Christ.......... A fictional scandal wearing hippy.
3) Martin Luther King.......... An uppity negro on acid trips.
4) Ronald Reagan.......... An IRA loving Al Qaeda funding cocksucker.
5) George W. Bush.......... Didn't kill enough ragheads and had beady eyes.
6) Abraham Lincoln.......... Started the civil war and ended up smelling like roses because of the free slave by-product.
7) John McCain.......... Spent the Nam war in a hotel.
8) John F. Kennedy.......... Bay of pigs slaughter.
9) Chesley Sullenberger.......... polluted the Hudson river with jet fuel.
10) Mother Teresa.......... Used her teeth when giving head.
11) Old Knudsen.......... Don't hate him because he is the best.
12) Hillary Clinton.......... Used her teeth when giving head.
13) Billy Graham.......... Used his teeth when giving head.
14) Franklin Delano Roosevelt.......... Too lazy to walk.
15) Mahatma Gandhi.......... Cheated on wife and treated his kids like shit.
16) Colin Powell.......... Choose peer pressure over integrity.
17) George Washington.......... A traitor to the crown who needed the French to help him win.
18) Bill Clinton.......... Lied to the people and never offered to have the dress dry cleaned.
19) Condoleeza Rice.......... Never appeared in playboy.
20) Oprah Winfrey.......... Is still alive and on TV.

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Big Eared Cunt

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You Idiot

She may have herpes but I'd still do her.

It amazes me just how stupid people are. No this post isn't about The Troll this time.

There are these adverts on the telly with people saying, "When I was diagnosed with genital herpes I was devastated."

Attractive couples that like to mountain bike and canoe. So I was looking around the Interweb and I saw a question forum.

"Do the people in the adverts really have genital herpes?"

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck you are dumb. Someone pointed out they had better not as one of them was working on House the other week.

I see an ad about asthma medicine and a woman says she has had asthma for 15 years. Maybe it was from all the fluff kicked up by the fucking Muppets, she was Alison Bartlett the bloody vet on Sesame Street, an ugly woman with a big mole who appeared in the Sopranos if you watched that shite . It looks like she had the mole removed but is still ugly.

I love picking out unknown actors in commercials. Its always that guy from the Progressive ad or yer woman from Buffy doing a Sears ad ......................... Sears is shite by the way but I did like Buffy.
The skinny bloke from the mobile phone ads went on to do movies, you know the one.

Twats in adverts. I've seen the blonde guy at the top in a burger ad and now he sells Mobile phone networks. The guy in the middle was the 'Dude you got a Dell' bloke he now works behind a bar in New York. The drip on the right is shagging Drew Barrymore he took a break from selling Macs to co-star in Die Hard 4 'live free and what a load of crap' The PC guy on the left and the 'can you hear me now' bloke on the bottom are just ghey.

The UK version of the Mac advert.

Then I read this column in the paper about who the next head of health should be for the Obama admin. The person writing had some names and then he said. I haven't followed his career but wouldn't Arnold Schwarzenegger be a fun choice for the post? he seems to be a good manager.

What? should someone who cares not be in the role? When Arnie has to balance the state budget what does he cut first? money and programs that go to the old, disabled and poor people. Kick them when they are doon. America may not be a socialist cuntry in name but it doesn't have to be a total cunt to its people.

On Facebook I'm friends with Matt Damon. People had a discussion if it was the real one or not. One gurl says it can't be as she has the real one in her friends. I'm also friends with Mel Gibson, he lives in the south of England now.

There, I have stated my point. The people on the telly are actors and human beings in general are stupid.

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