Wednesday, 30 December 2009

2009 What A Lovely Year

Here is my very last post......... of the year 2009. Old Knudsen was going to do a lovely wildlife post but you know what ? wildlife can go and fuck off what has it ever done for me except eat my leg?

Also in this post there will be a return to the fucking expletives that you ugly rim licking cunts have cum to expect.
The big news at the beginning of the year was Slovakia adopting the Euro as currency to replace chicken feet. Slavs as we know got their name from the Vikings and it really just means slave now Old Knudsen isn't a mathematician or a financier but does it not make sense to have whole races of people working for free?

The new Star Trek film was actually quite good.

Israel invades the Gaza Strip, they did a piss poor job of genocide but those Jews and their savvy did grab a bunch of Arab organs to sell on their way out. Hitler rolled over in the shallow grave I put him in and said "Oye vey did they not learn anything?" Old Knudsen supports people's rights to live in peace and while he doesn't like what the Israelis do he sure doesn't like Hezbollah or Hamas they can all go and fuck away off with a nuke and pull the pin .............. actually its two connectors a switch and a code. I just brokered a deal selling Iran a rusty old piece of shit from Russia that probably doesn't even work.

"I'll shut the gas off in a minuteski"

Speaking of which Russia played big man and shut off gas supplies blaming the Ukraine for not paying its bill. Since the cold war Russia has penis issues. Did you know if you can get a doctor to say you have a mild mental illness you can get out of the military draft? Old Knudsen who is flatulent in Russian and a doctor of sorts has a nice wee mail order business going there. I also sell Russian brides to Israel to have their organs harvested.

Barrick Osama was sworn in as the 44th president of the fractured states of America. Crazy old man McCain and family values hoor Palin put up a good fight but the Muslim terrorist who isn't even American got in.
Big things were expected of Obama but it was like taking the wheel of the Titanic after it hit Chris De Burgh. Obama talked and gave hope but as usual its up to the senate so why bother?

Western soldiers are still in Iraq fighting Saddam and in Afghanistan trying to over throw the US set up Taliban goverment. Old Knudsen has nothing against these people but can we not just nuke the middle east?

The Icelandic government and banking system collapsed due to the recession caused by George W Bush as everything is. The world quickly learned that Iceland had a government and a banking system, they just don't talk funny, eat horses and slaughter whales you know they are a people with a long and rich culture of talking funny, eating horses and slaughtering whales, oh and they piss on all their food before they eat it.

There was also the usual fire in the field behind my house.

A big bush fire in Australia, the stupid buggers should think about trimming their hedges maybe so the bushes don't get that big, in my day burning bushes spoke they said, "ouch fuck me it hurts get water and stop standing there ya cunt."

A Russian and an American satellite collided over Serbia killing hundreds, experts put the blame doon to collision one of the dead was a Briton (there is always at least one) .

Holidays in Zimbabwe continued to be a great bargain and the world eventually saw the funny side of Darfur.

North Korea shook the world by test firing its Kwangmyŏngsŏng-2, rockets all hitting their targets successfully which was the Pacific ocean.

A 6.3 earthquake near Italy killing 300 blah blah blah oh and Swine flu was found to be caused by Africans having sex with monkeys. A French plane crashes into the Atlantic killing 228 blah blah blah not sure how many Britons were on board.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected as President of the popular Islamic party of the republic of Iran with the slogan "Hope, change and death to America".

Plastic pedo with the mind of a 12 year-old Michael Jackson died so it was a good year after all.

150 Uyghurs are killed in rioting in one of them Japo cuntries, 168 are killed in a plane crash near Iran, the longest solar eclipse lasting 6 minutes killed 200, a typhoon in Taiwan killed 500 and earthquakes of 8.3 and 7.6 kills 1189 odd in those Asian island places. All blurb news as it became about gheys getting married because the immigrants fucked off back home to get jobs.

The blacks and Mormons put a stop to ghey marriage in liberal Callyfornia and the Catholic and Protestant white people in Belfast ran a lot of the Romanians out of town. Give a once oppressed people power and they will fuck over someone else but I've already covered Israel.

Ireland should be close to civil war with the Catholic church and all its pedo dealings not to mention the corrupt politicians, look in the sun its the Virgin Mary its a miracle I haven't seen the sun in years.

Celebrity deaths were:

Patrick McGoohan, Ricardo Montalbán,Natasha Richardson,Dom DeLuise, Guy Richie, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Eric Idle, Karl Malden,Frank McCourt, Edward M. Kennedy(the M stands for murderer) Patrick Swayze, Richard Todd and poor wee Brittany Murphy. Anyone else were not famous enough to get onto my blog.

A rare breed of face fucker was found in South America.

The year was ghey vampire crazy and slutty Disney stars, Kayne West made it big thanks to drug and alcohol use and Rage against the machine got to #1 in the British charts thanks to a Facebook campaign just to deny Simon Cowell of the 5th year in a row.

"Old Knudsen's movie was good but District 9 really spoke to me"

It was a shite year for Old Knudsen who totally lost his faith in 98% of people and decided he really really disliked America and the rest of the world may have a point.

In 2010 Old Knudsen will travel back to the old cuntry and tell the horrors stories of America and the creatures that live there.

In a funny twist of fate Old Knudsen researched his family history and found a British soldier in the 1800's who while doing his foreign service in Ireland bred with the natives and now Old Knudsen has a load of bog trotting cousins, will that get me an Irish blog award? like fuck it will but who cares? Obama can get the Nobel peace prize for fuck all so Old Knudsen doesn't need a bog award even though he is the greatest cunting blogger of all time. I doubt I'll have a computer for a while once I move so all the mucksavages can save their fear for later yer small pond is safe.

A shite year, full of cunts and wankers just like last year and guess what? The same for next but don't worry, be happy.


Sunday, 27 December 2009

A Basterd Of A Movie Review

Old Knudsen does not like to be reminded about the war, whether it be the Crimean War, World War one or its far better squeal World War two. The death the pain the food its like living in America but only better and war makes more sense than that cuntry.

I watched the film Inglorious Basterds last night and it was like a re-telling of my life but my life was civilised and Ulster/Scottish of course.
In 1944 Old Knudsen had the summer job of leading a team of serial killers around Europe torturing and killing all in the name of freedom.

Its funny how my life would go in that direction again under the Bush administration. Blah blah blah waterboarding is bad, blah blah blah Knudsen scares me, blah blah blah lets fire him.
Thank you Mr Obama as you have found out that when Old Knudsen goes so does yer popularity.

Tarantino laid it on thick at times in his film and had his own odd choice of music as usual . I just know that American Idol loving cont wanks to his own movies.

The basterds themselves had fun in the role and Mr Pitt's accent was brilliant and when he spoke Italian with his Tennessee accent it reminded Old Knudsen of himself speaking French with his Ulster/Scots accent. I know the words but I'm no sounding ghey when I say them. There was not enough Brad Pitt for Old Knudsen and my man-crush was not satisfied.

The people who played the French and Germans did excellent jobs in their roles,
Christoph Waltz who won best actor at Cannes deserved the award for being the Jew hunter. Mélanie Laurent as the cinema owner, Perrier LaPadite as the French farmer at the beginning and having only seen Diane Kruger in Troy I was pleasantly surprised to see what a good actress she has turned into.

Tarantino aside Old Knudsen loved the stuff most folks don't even notice but it was fiction as we all know Old Knudsen was the one to have killed Hitler in 1954 and the Americans take the credit for winning WWII even though they were late when most of the work had been done Old Knudsen won that war and would be off winning in the middle east if it wasn't for his back.

I'm sure the movie is well loved in Israel as its Jews avenging against the Nazis but it is a little ironic that the Israelis have become quite like the Nazis themselves, thats a whole other war crime and organ harvesting story though and who cares about the Palestinians? Why do they never give up? who do they think they are Scottish?

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Keeping It Real

Saint Nicholas AKA Father Christmas, AKA Santa Claus AKA Kris Kringle AKA The Red Phantom has been arrested on charges of sexual abuse on minors dating back centuries . Police acting on claims made by thousands of adults who only now have had the courage to speak up found lewd images labeled 'Naughty and nice' on Santa's computer. The Vatican in a statement said they were saddened by this development and knew nothing about it though papers dating back to the 4th century state that Santa has had a history of sex offenses and was relocated to Bavaria , Turkey and Greece then finally the North pole to avoid scandal.

Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider. While some may think he'd then have the powers of a spider to climb walls and shoot webs from his bum.

All Peter Parker got was terminal spider cancer which tingles a lot and besides its only the females that can make webs.

While saving a man from an oncoming truck, Matt Murdock (Daredevil) was blinded by radioactive material. Though the act of heroism had robbed him of his sight, Murdock found the radioactive exposure had also burned and disfigured his face. He vowed to be fight crime by becoming a lawyer and suing those who may be liable for accidents, he will fight for you.

Bruce Wayne's parents were brutally gunned doon in an ally way. Young Bruce suffered from depression and anxiety the best doctors in Gotham city couldn't cure. After years of alcohol and drug abuse he was found dead hanging in his closet naked with a rope around his neck and genitals . A high amount of cocaine was found in his bloodstream

A child of deity rape Jesus H Christ went on to have delusions of grandeur when he found he could walk on water, cure the sick and deflect bullets with special wrist bands. Thinking he'd be freed according to the plan laid out by his biological father he was brutally tortured for hours then crucified until dead. Resurrected as a zombie he was then beamed up into the clouds to live in an undead state forever.

After 2 thousand years he holds a lot of pent up resentment as all the torture and crucifixion did was split the world into warring factions that he has no intention of returning to . He no longer speaks to God and calls Joseph 'Dad'.

Saint Michael has called for a commission to review Lucifer's banishment into Hell.

Superman who until recently shared the North pole with Santa went on a spree of destruction. President Obama a long time admirer of Superman said, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely we have no other option but to apprehend and deport Superman who entered the country illegally".

Ironman refused the offer to bring Superman in saying he was tackling rust issues and getting a lube job. A task force of federal welders is to be set up to arrest the man of steel.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Tips To Stay Young Looking

I'm sick of all the emails saying: "Old Knudsen you haven't been churning out blog posts 2 or 3 times a day what have you been doing?" Well if it was any of yer frucking business ya fudge rockets I may tell ya. Ok I will tell ya because theres a commercial break in the CSI Winnipeg marathon. I just love that guy who plays yon fella in the show.

Old Knudsen has been doing :

Some major behind the scenes work

Exploring doon under and diving for muffs

Bird watching .................. Great Tits!

And buggering old lady men over wheelie bins

I looked at the old lady men and thought, 'If I don't look after meself I'll start to look old'. Yes Old Knudsen does think that song is about him.

Then there was the week when this was the best he could pick up, me self esteem really dropped.

A new product as sold by the doctor who gives me my buttocks injections. Scrapped from the sweating skin of a ghey Bavarian peasant and mixed into some cheap lead based moisturiser from China this miracle cream keeps me looking young and vibrant.

Dr B.King will make you feel like you've never felt before.

Then there is the stand by, eating cock ........................................................ roaches.

I hire myself out to rid people of their Cockroach problems and at the same time I increase my youth and vitality. Think about it. They will one day inherit the earth so if I'm alive at the end of the nuclear holocaust I will be their Overlord it all makes perfect sense after I mix me medications.

Old Knudsen can already go three months without food and a month without water, he can fit into most entry points there is no keeping him out, he can survive freezing temperatures well I am a Scot we wear skirts with out Claymores swinging freely.
Old Knudsen loves radiation as it keeps his complexion glowing, and he molts constantly which is a big funt you to Head and Shoulders.
Old Knudsen's copulation can be prolonged but everyone who reads this blog knows that. Old Knudsen gives off an offensive odor and spreads germs ......... nothing new there.

Crunchy on the outside chewy in the middle

Yes it is a fool proof plan to stay young looking and invincible. For other tips on voodoo, wetworks, water sports and beauty buy my book.

Yes I always have something on the go and while Old Knudsen has given up swearing he keeps it real in his books.

Goodbye you rag weed whackers until I bless you again with a post.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Old Knudsen Wears No Thongs

He goes bare footed.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Don't Say The Zed Word

Does the world scare you? well it should cos its run by people with power over others that don't mind sacrificing them for their own agendas.

Remember in the later stages of WWII Hitler used Nazi zombies? well of course you don't you are too young plus its real history so you'll no be seeing it on the history channel. A zombie is scary a nazi zombie even worse but a nazi zombie with latent homosexual desires they repress and express as anger are far far worse................. just sayin.

It may all come true yet again. The US government are testing on pigs a drug that will stop the heart of a wounded soldier but still give oxygen and blood to the brain, a sort of hibernation until they can get medical treatment as the loss of blood is a big problem and if the heart ain't pumping the soldier ain't bleedin.

Soon yet again Old Knudsen may be called into service to either rid the Yanks of zombie pigs or zombie soldiers.

Zombie soldiers with swine flu....................................

Considering the US can't provide its people with health care and the few that get it get incompetent health care its funny they what they are willing to do to the soldiers in order to save them. Hey the guy maybe a vegetable but hes alive! how about bringing the troops home? What good are they doing over there? Its like ants you can keep them at bay for a while but more will turn up and you'll never win.

World leaders promise to pull out as much as Old Knudsen does but they should remember that going isn't defeat 'discretion is the better part of valour' it makes sense. Sure the Sand savages will be building up their strength and making plans well those cuntries that pull out can be doing the same instead of wasting resources they can be building walls and micro chipping immigrants or those that talk foreign like.

Old Knudsen is too old and tired to be solving zombie problems thats a young man's job but of course he'll do it so sleep well in yer beds.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Only Darts And Snooker Should Have Fat Athletes And Fans

Old Knudsen is greatly annoyed and therefore or 'donc' as the silly French say feels the need to vent.
The only sport Old Knudsen participates in or follows is the sport ..... nay the art of Hobo hunting. Man is the ultimate prey as weemen are just way too rough.

Old Knudsen stays in shape for his age, not necessarily a good shape but its a shape. He hates fat funts who haven't played sport since their P.E. (physical education) at school wearing sports shirts and yelling at the players to "C'mon you gunners" or complaining about some move or decision.
You over weight beer bellied pie eating fudge rocket, you get out of breath walking up the stairs or taking a dump so don't swill yer beer and eat buffalo wings getting excited at 'The match' on the telly. Yeah yeah its a macho working class thing to do but unless you've ever gutted a hobo with a broken bottle after a 20 minute brawl Old Knudsen doesn't want to know.

Crazy Dave was the finest we ever had. His head is on the wall at the club hoose on the 'wall of honour' why do they always believe we'll pay them and let them go if they make it across the bridge?

You sad sad people, as the old saying goes “Those who can't do, preach.” or something like that, "c'mon you lazy bastard you could have made that shot, oye pass me a beer....... lite beer I'm watching me weight."

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Life la la la la la

Life... is like a box of chocolates - a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, un-returnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper. ~The X-Files

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Answer Me This

If the US government says they are not in league with Extra Terrestrial beings then why do they feel the need to prevent them from landing and sucking out our stem cells? Well thats what I got from the side of this car.

After 3 hours 2 men that were black got in and I proceeded to follow them. They must have known I was tailing them cos in a few minutes I had lost them. Old Knudsen is goo at tailing though he can't run as fast and as far as he used to.

White guy, black guy and a hispaniard wot no weemen?

I pulled some strings and called in a few favours to find out more about ET security. Ok I googled them. Never once do they mention aliens or space ships which is obviously suspicious.

They said they call their employees 'officers' and never 'guards' but the above picture was saved under their title of security guards so HA!

Watch out people for they are among us and black men and men in black know!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Yer Not Ugly Yer Just Not Good Looking

Whats in a name? I've been discussing the theory of evolution and religion recently and it got me thinking. Its a theory, unlike gravity which is a law.
Who decides to upgrade the names ? If you have theory in the title then its just an idea lets call everything theory. The theory of Catholicism, the theory of religion because while there seems to be more proof to evolution religion gets more credence.

Polar bears are just brown bears who evolved er sorry adapted to a different environment which is why they can still interbreed.

The History channel is able to tell us what Jesus did though there is no proof but it suggests we are related to chimps and evolved from hairy hillbillies even though the DNA and bones say so.

You'd call Christianity a religion but all those other so-called religions before it get called mythology and Scientology gets called a cult even though its Pope is dead.

The Troubles in Northern Ireland is never called a war but I think the 29 who died in the Omagh Bombing and other bombings and shootings might argue if they could.

The Falklands war usually gets called the Falklands conflict but when one army goes against the other that seems like a war to me or Vietnam was just an anti-commie raid so lets not pay any compensation.

The 6 day war I mean WTF? to Old Knudsen that sounds like a deadly romp in the sand. Desert Storm or the first Gulf war was more of a roll in and take prisoners than actual fighting. There is more fighting on the US/Mexico border with the drug wars .

It used to be that it was only a war if declared just like how the terrorists in Northern Ireland all got out of prison because they weren't terrorists they were political prisoners.

The gospel truth, truth is a matter of perspective unless its fact. Lets call abortion murder because while Old Knudsen supports it due to no other option it is indeed murder and if we can kill babies why not prisoners in prison who are not innocents ?

Oh thats right the unborn baby isn't a person yet its only a fetus even though it eats, shits and feels pain.

See what I mean about titles yet?

Atheists are oxymorons because by saying they don't believe in god they give themselves a name so therefore they must believe in a god enough to do that.

A lot of names are just ways to manipulate and not give it any power or legs to become official, lets call Thanksgiving genocide followed by a nice turkey dinner, does it have to be about the Pilgrim settlers?

The long and the short of it is Darwin may be right or the Pope may be right nothing will be proved or settled either way just like a doctor that won't make a diagnosis in case he gets sued for guessing wrong.

Old Knudsen does not follow religion he is more spiritual and would rather trust himself than some two faced funt preaching about how the Lard wants him to have a new BMW. You can be religious or spiritual and still be informed and educated, a closed mind means a closed heart. Now go my children and decide for yerselves but be open to change yer opinion.... I have spoken.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Del Taco Poisons Thousands Of Children

Can Old Knudsen take his crazy future in-laws for much longer? When someone makes Old Knudsen seem normal then you have to worry.

Example from the hit sit-com King of Queens: The old father tells his daughter at the breakfast table, "The vice president Al Gore resigned" she says he couldn't of or it would be all over the news, the old father says "Well it was on the front page of the newspaper maybe they had an inside scoop."

He looks for the paper and is told its in the trash, while going through the trash he holds up an empty can of tuna and says, "do we own a diamond mine no one told me about? there is still tuna in this can"
All the while the daughter and her husband are having their own conversation.

The old father finds it and reads, "Al Gore resigns himself to a wooden image" he frowns and then says, "It must be the wrong newspaper.

Oh and Abraham Lincoln wasn't killed by an assassin, Old Knudsen saw him in a Burger King eating a Whopper and talking on a mobile phone. Sure he looks a bit older but that is to be expected. At first the worker called him Phil but later he slipped and said, "Mr Lincoln your food is ready."
Being an ex preez means he has to get up and get it himself and as he sat doon he said to his companion (Probably secret service) "That was original". Don't believe the lies the man tells you I bet my head shot of JFK was on a large headed fugly imposter, you just never know.

Things they give out to young kids as toys in fast food places are just wrong. I took this set of riddles off a young un and slapped his parents in disgust:

Like wind in your hair, you feel me.
But much more controlled I will be.

Do kids needs secret hidden messages about sex? I thought thats what they had Transformers and Twatlight for.

After a shower, you may see
someone who is wet holding me.

Sick sick sick............... soapy, you didn't mention soapy.

In the morning when you use me,
others find it hard to hear the TV.

The sick nuks then cover Themselves by saying the answer to the riddles are.

Blow dryer

Here is a nice one for the kiddies:

Though I feel soft, you still feel the pain.
With a good punch, I can damage your brain.

What no I'll knock out yer teeth and you'll swallow yer blood, you'll lose the title and yer name will ne mud? It gets worse.

I'm sometimes red, and I'm round.
in a ring, I'm always found.

I know what my reader is thinking but yer wrong, it was a boxing glove.

Made by Patch Products Inc I suggest you boycott them or yer child will be doing a lot of wink wink nudge nudge at you. Also boycott Del Taco as it is poisoning yer kid's mind with this in-yer-endo smut.
Oh and the food was shite and the place was as dirty as my knob.

I'll leave you to figure this one out:

With my passage, smells fade.
You may wish they had stayed.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Old Knudsen Hates 98% Of Hollywood

The above picture is a spoof from the film 'How to lose friends and alienate people' it would be funnier if it wasn't so terribly true. You just know some producer wants to remake Gandhi with Vin Diesel in the starring role or do Wolverine............. the teenage years. Not sure how they could do the later but sense and reason has never stopped them before.

Comic Strip Presents was a brilliant series on British TV that has only been bettered by the likes of Father Ted.
In 1988 they made Strike the story of the miners strike in the 80's and brought to a Hollywood studio by a no-name writer hoping to get the miner's struggle up on the big screen. Contracts are signed and much to the writer's objections some changes are made.
Al Pacino (played by Peter Richardson) as the National Union of Mineworkers leader Arthur Scargill, and Meryl Streep (Jennifer Saunders) as his wife. Strike soon spiraled out of control with gunfights and a motorcycle ride similar to The great escape.

In the time of alternate comedy that struck a bone with us who had blisters at wanking to Benny Hill as its not like you'd be laughing at it.

I find shows with canned laughter offensive as its like telling you its funny when you should already know it.

Alternate comedy has gone mainstream and why? Americans thats why they want to turn the world mainstream. Posing vampires, animated violence and terminator toys for children, how slutty can we make barbie look today? Zoe 101 and Hannah Montana are cockasidal maniacs, cum to Disneyland ride on Mickey's unicorn.

Here is how Al Pacino was portrayed as looking like in Strike as Arthur Scargill .

Here is Arthur Scargill with his shredded wheat comb over.

Kevin Costner as Robin Hood.......... he just looks so British and the accent, "Yo welcome to Nottinghame forest, we shall attack once my hair has been done."

Any other history you want to fuck with Hollywood? What about the brave and the bold Oliver Cromwell who defeated the devil worshiping cannibalistic Irish that killed their own weemen and children thus having history blame it on him?

"Why damn you why?" as he shakes his fists at the sky as it rains doon heavily, " They were innocent."

"My good fellow, paint me as I am beauty spots and all."

Well I'm off to watch Braveheart again as that is obviously totally true.