Saturday, 29 November 2008

Bring In The Next Oldie

Shocking news from the world of competitive dying.

Edna Parker
, the world's oldest person has unexpectedly died at the age of 115.

Parker died at a nursing home in Shelbyville while she was bench pressing 220 LBS She was 115 years, 220 days old.

Parker was born April 20, 1893, in central Indiana's Morgan County and had been recognized by Guinness World Records as the world's oldest person since the 2007 death in Japan of Yone Minagawa, who was four months her senior. "In yer face Yone" was Parker's response to the news.

Parker had been a widow since her husband, Earl Parker, died in 1939 of an alleged heart attack. She lived alone in their farmhouse until age 100, when she moved into a son's home and later to the Shelbyville nursing home.

Although she never drank alcohol or tried tobacco she liked drinking human blood and led an active life, Parker didn't offer tips for living a long life but put hers doon to being part Lemur on her father's side.

"We don't know why she's lived so long," Don Parker said before his grandmother's 115th birthday. " We tried everything but she just kept living ."

Parker noted with pride last year that she and her husband were one of the first owners of an automobile in their rural area of Shelby County. It was a Ford Fiesta.

Now that Parker is dead maybe the mysterious deaths that have been occurring in the nursing home may stop.

Who will be the next oldest person alive? the competition is heating up.

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The Great Lemur Threat

You all know how modest Old Knudsen the greatest blogger in the world is, he doesn't like to go into details about his heroic exploits or natural superiority over everyone else but I feel I must on this occasion.

Anyone with any military experience will tell you that SG-19 training level 4 is bad ass shit, well I've had level 7. I would have gotten to level 8 except I had a bad chest cold that day.

SG-19 or Spartans as we were known as are the elite of the elite, Delta Farce, SAS whoever are fucking amateurs compared to us.
While NASA were distracting the public with fake moon landings out in Nevada I was commanding experiments in time travel. I got to a future ruled by Lemurs in which humans were the slaves kept in zoos.

I found out that it was my own sperm that was used in experiments 1000's of years ago that created these super Lemurs. I fell to my knees and yelled at the sky with clenched fists and shouted, "You idiots what have you done? Its a madhoose!" one passing lemur muttered something about me having issues.

I got my space/time travel pod working again and came back and killed the head scientist in charge of Lemur insemination. Hopefully I have saved the world yet again. I don't want to be called a hero I was just doing the right thing.

Time travel works both ways and I have discovered the Great Shasta Lemur.

They haven't gone away you know

A Lemur so deadly it can kill you and you'd only notice 10 minutes later. These lemurs crave human flesh to eat and to fornicate with I don't know what NASA have done but I fear it is too late.

I traveled to Mount Shasta which is here in Callyfornia but they were quite elusive. I got a shot off at something and followed the blood trail but it was just a hiker.

I can only warn you so many times about Lemurs without sounding like a nutcase but they will kill you and skull fuck you, is that what you want?

The great Ronald Reagan once said, "who are you people and what and I doing here?" he also said that if the world had a common enemy like space aliens then the world would unite. I suppose he meant like we did against Germany and then we'd squabble over land after that.

Ask not what yer cuntry can do for you but who you can kill for yer cuntry.

The world is seeing serial killers around every corner, I see Lemurs and being of sound mind and extreme military training I'd believe me.

Arm yerself people and don't trust yer fellow bloggers especially the ones that don't show their faces in their avatars.

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Friday, 28 November 2008

Seeing Is Believing?

Its the holiday season and we are all busy with superficial crap that some of us are forced into by society and some sad fuckers actually like it.
I get doon in the Doldrums at this time of the year, thats semen talk for depressed. You see 14 years ago I lost a good friend during the holiday season. It was a sudden out of the blue thing.

I last saw him when he dropped me off home and drove away. No he didn't die he told me he was converting to Catholicism, he also came out of the closet and he told me he was black. I told him he was dead to me as I wiped away the tears. No one leaves the Free Presbyterian church to becum a Fenian, the rest I could forgive though the being black was a real shock I just thought he liked the sun a lot.

The pressure to pretend to be nice gets too much for me, peace on Earth, what are you smoking fuck face? there will be no peace until we wipe out those who are not like us or disagree with us.

Thanksgiving was a dirty Pagan harvest festival reinvented to promote peace between the Pilgrims and the Injuns who the Pilgrims then went on to slaughter. When the English couldn't handle the red skins they brought over my people who not only pushed the Injuns off their lands but caused the English no end of trouble.

Canadian thanksgiving is American lite as everything they do is. Not quite American and not quite British similar to Australians which shows you if the Yanks were more like the Brits they would be better liked in the world. Even the filthy Irish sort of like the Brits now.

Having lived most of my life in Ulster (Northern Ireland) I am already fairly paranoid and then coming to America where people back stab and gossip about me it isn't a surprise that most over here are in therapy.
On the telly I watched a mini series called 'The Company' about the early days of the CIA, ah fun times they were indeed then just this week I bought for $3.99 at the video (no videos) store 'The good Shepherd' which I keep getting confused with 'The good German' and so thought it was a delightful movie about a good German Shepherd but those dogs are stupid cunts.

It was about the CIA too and if you didn't know history you'd be lost. Far better acted than the mini series I watched, Chris O'Donnell what is the point of him?

In The Good Shepherd Matt Damon was as usual great, Bobby DeNiro who directed it had a very good bit part as a man dying of diabetes and is getting bits cut off his feet due to gangrene. I know a person in real life at this stage of her life so it was odd seeing it appear in a film. There are no coincidences but there are signposts for you to see in yer life.

The film is about trusting no one and not believing what you see and double guessing everything. You could be driven mad with this thinking you can trust me on that.

Good to see Bill Pullman and Joe the plumber getting work.

I watch the Ghosthunters on Sci-fi and like how they try to de-bunk the claims of ghosts rather than just accept them. Cutlery like a spoon that crosses over a fork and turns out to be magnetized or shadow people that turn out to be car lights on a road a mile away.

They do get stuff that can not be explained and catch voices and images on their cameras that can at times freak them out. Each investigator has a camcorder and so a lot of times catches what they see and hear.Having seen ghosties myself I am a believer.

A show called Destination Truth which sometimes is on after Ghosthunters has people in dark jungles hearing noises and looking for monsters. Its shite. The jungle cums alive at night, look at the ground and it will be moving with bugs. They have a camera crew but no individual camcorders so there is a lot of the investigators saying, "I saw something" and the camera will stay on them to see their reaction so you catch nothing. Then they were talking about some strange noise from up in the trees made by a flying monster. I've heard Crows make that clacking noise but no one suggested that oh no it had to be a strange monster, I wonder how the animal experts get their PHD's. Looking too hard and seeing and hearing what they want too .

MUFON which investigates UFO's sent people doon to Mexico city where so many sightings have been captured on camera. They talked to a guy who has his own UFO show. He believes every witness with a photoshopped picture. On my spoof news blog I had photoshopped UFO pics and the forums were going wild about them. I was in Wal-Mart the other day and saw a kids game called 'Fact or Crap?' thats my blogs for ya.

In Mexico city one guy has taken a lot of the footage of UFO's the Mufon guys released a bunch of balloons without the guy knowing and he decided it was a UFO.

Even the so-called experts for the Mexican TV show called photoshopped pictures real ignoring proof of tampering by saying the UFO's are so powerful they distort how they show up on film. Like religious fanatics. I can't explain it but want to believe it so therefore its Gods will.

UFO's and ghosts can become a sort of religion to some as can Star Wars and Star Trek. Its ok to dream but don't become the bitch of these subjects or yer as bad as a junkie.

Question everything and learn for yerself and if you have to then change yer opinion, if you don't you'll end up a fucking suicide bomber.

I told you I was doon, now fuck off.

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Thursday, 27 November 2008

Be Thankful You Ain't Living On A Reservation Without A Casino

Its a sad fact but I the last of the Mowiggas a proud Injun tribe of the great planes. We had our casino on the great river Boeing until pale face took away our liquor license and moved us all into brown stone apartments in Manhattan.
Ok I'm really just an honorary member after marrying several of their young weemen, the marriage ceremony involved a great deal of pain and endurance but those gurls were up to it. I sold the tribal land to some Pilgrims for some lovely handcrafted side tables it wasn't actually my land as we injuns don't believe any man can own the land so I was kinda tricked, fucking religious zealot crazy cunts, may they all burn in Hell like Darth Vader did.

Do we Injuns get together and eat Turkey and stuffing? well only if yer offering, we may be tricked into giving away our lands for beads but we ain't stupid enough to turn down a free meal.

Who gives a fuck if they are happy or not? you got yers. Remember kindness like helping Pilgrims through harsh winters or welcumming Columbus to yer dinner table is seen as a sign of weakness. You don't want yer land taken by that Andrew Jackson cunt so if in doubt take them out.

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I Give Thanks

Its Thanksgiving day and no I'm not thankful for the whole ethnic cleansing of the native Americans which was fun I might add and deserves to be celebrated I am thankful for these things.
That I have lived as long as I have with a good quality of life while many others haven't and don't.

That I defeated the Daleks with only 8000 people dying .................... it could have been worse.

That I'm not American, especially Texan for Floridian.

That my Knudsen hoors still love me even after the drugs had worn off ..... long story.

That I am so incredibly sexy.

That I tapped all of these arses.

But most of all I am thankful for the erections I get most mornings, its the little things that matter.

No I'm not saying I have a small willy ach do I not exude the confidence of a man with inches to spare?

Ribbed for her pleasure. Enjoy yer Turkey and stuffing.

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Wednesday, 26 November 2008

What Are They Saying?

Bobby "Fuck lad has yer head always been that big? its fucking massive yer like a bobble head."

JFK " That was a cheap shot now go doon to the kitchen and get me a fucking Turkey sandwich and wrap it in saran saran wrap so it doesn't get dirty like a politician ."

This moment in time has been brought to you by the 'Betrayal of Cuban exiles of America Association' and ' Fuck but the Kennedys are ugly Foundation'.

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Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Knudsen On Tour

I went over to Germany to visit my old mucker Mago. It was difficult as all of those cunts speak some demonic lingo and I couldn't find Franconia on a map.

I stayed at a Bed and breakfast. The woman who was a big fat pig looking type with her hair in braids and said, "There are no watch towers no barbed wire no hot water and breakfast is at 6am sharp, if you are late you shall be executed und laughing and having fun is Verboten."

The AA (Automobile Association for alcoholics) gave the place a good rating. The gallon of beer, sausage and shrewdal made from fresh Shrews was a hearty filling breakfast to start yer day with.

Germany had changed a lot since I had last been there, for one they weren't trying to kill me, they were still goose stepping and acting superior well until you mention the 2 wars and the 1966 world cup result.

I sped back to the UK through the Channel tunnel and up to Killamory for a visit. Those cunts couldn't understand me and said I had gone native when I mentioned how small everything was there, well I was at the fucking Lego village.

My best friend Billy one ear is doing bird for killing some bird I always knew there was something wrong with that fella. Sammy piss stain died in a freak accident, it seems he was knocked doon by a visiting freak show.

So I made my way to the airport before the authorities realised I was in the cuntry and I was surpried to see this.

But glad to see this.
Well that will teach me for trying to visit a fellow blogger without having their address or knowing what they look like. I have no idea why he won't give me his address.

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Monday, 24 November 2008

Pedo No Touching! Pedo No Touching!

I turned on a TV show called Dora the Explorer. I thought it was like that book 'The Rainbow' about the sexual awakening of a young woman. What I found was totally disgusting and damn well irresponsible.

You have this little Hispanic gurl named Dora. I don't know how old she is but she is young and by the size of her head she is doon syndrome or something. She has a pet monkey named 'Boots' who wears ............... boots, a monkey does not make a very good pet. I brought one home from my trip to Zambia once and caused an outbreak of Ebola in Killamory, you probably read about it in the papers small world isn't it?

Little simple Dora goes around jungles, oceans and mountains unsupervised except for her poo flinging companion and talks to all manner of strange beings such as Trolls, talking bulls and a big red Rooster or Cock if you will.

I had this all weekend sex fest once and I was left with a big red cock at the end of it all and really it wasn't in the mood for talking. Rubbed Raw not to be confused with that cattle rustling cunt Rob Roy.

Where are her parents? they don't care they just give her a backpack and a map, no fucking lunch or mobile phone, at least they could give her some margarine and sugar sandwiches .

"Today we are going to uncle Pedro's hoose. He is a sex offender who has just been let out for good behaviour. How do we get to Pedro the Pedo's hoose?"

"First we go to the titty bar, liquor store then Pedro's hoose."

I have called Child protective services many times only to have police Nazis cum to my door and tell me to stop making nuisance phone calls. Well maybe Americans don't care about their young uns but I believe that children are our future ............. or worse case scenario a source of food. Its bad that I get dinged for caring. Well from now on you'll see a different less caring Old Knudsen because you don't get any thanks for being a good person.

Now don't fucking annoy me with yer stupid causes I'm way too busy aiding in the exploitation of weemen who secretly love it. Now wiggle yer way over here lass I've got some Nickels to put into yer G-string, thats 5 cents right? I get confused as a dime is 10 cents and is smaller in size ......... stupid Yanks.
Slavs annoy the fuck out of me (no offense Tony you dirty 3rd world savage) and this is the only pole I want to see a gurl grinding up and doon on.

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Shake It Like A Polaroid

Obama, half black half white which means he eats his fried chicken with a knife and fork and uses napkins . Now people shrug and say 'The Obama fix' Many are elated that he is soon to be president me included as that Palin and the brainwashed McCain were just plain and simple scary. As long as Obama doesn't go ghetto the world may once again respect America.

One thing that scares me about Obama and its a thing that no one mentions, the guy is a Lawyer.

Fuck I hate lawyers.

What do you call 1000 lawyers lying dead at the foot of a cliff?

Victims of a serial killer named Cliff, are you fucking stupid or something? That was a rhetorical question I knows you are.

I suppose the reason I hate lawyers is that I only see them when I'm being prosecuted, I also hate police and STD specialists. Oh and weemen that turn me doon but I'm trying to be more understanding about leezers.

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Sunday, 23 November 2008

Do Farts Smell Lovely In Heaven?

I was once a sergeant in the police force investigating the huge hippy populations on the remote Scottish Isles.
Hippies mean one thing, long hair and drugs .......... ok thats two things. I was tricked into walking into a huge wickerman when I was told there was free drink inside. All I found was death because those stoned hippies set it a light as a sacrifice to Harry Pothead the dark God of weed. These tossers were amateurs as I had already died and have been reanimated by a Voodoo zombie prince and still had 3 lives left. I didn't have the means to confine them and torture statements out of them so I fashioned a large wooden cross and bludgeoned them to death with the lard. "Kill them all and let God sort out the stoned."

Someday my time will be up and I shall sing with the Heavenly choir eternal but for now I'm sort of alive and kicking.

Who of those featured below do you think will die first? welcome to the very first and probably the last installment of Celebrity Death-race 3000.

Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and given 5 weeks to live. The cunt is still ticking. His cancer has boosted his career and has given him a TV series called 'The Beast' which is about a large mutant vagina that goes from town to town eating people, what an ironic twist on muff diving. Swayze plays FBI agent Dan Bradwin and he and his animated space monkey partner follow the trail of *fanny* batter to find the killer.

Ted Kennedy famous for killing staff members and being the usual two faced Kennedy politician has a brain tumor. It has been said that the Devil himself will come up from Hell to collect this ones soul.

Some pubs or bars have betting pools on how long it will be before Barack Obama gets assassinated. Lets hope he fixes a few of Bush's fuck ups before he gets killed and immortalised as a saint.

Amy Winehouse has talent and whatever she is a tortured soul, with a face like that what can you expect? This chavette cannot last anymore longer, why would God do that? Why does God not keep good people like Paul Newman alive forever by giving them the wasted life force of people like Winehouse? I will be having words with that cunt of a deity when I go up to judge him on judgement day.

Bear Grylls eats rotting carcasses and squeezes the contents of a camel's stomach for water. He must have more parasites in his body than anyone ever. Its only a matter of time before the Sting-rays or the Lemurs get him. Drop him off in Killamory with an 'I love the Pope' T-shirt on and we'll see how long he survives.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the mouthpiece of Iran recently had a bout of man flu. Also one of his top yes men was found to have had a fake degree. Mahmoud laughed it off and said it was only a piece of paper. No Mahmoud it was a nit-picky excuse to get rid of one of yer people yer on yer way out lad. Yer last performance review was shite and the people are sick of you. You are the weakest link Goodbye.

Who will go first? or maybe some cunt jealous of not being included will go. Its like people you want to see naked you never see the ones you want. Those you want to die (I have a long list) will live to old age and you'll have a sagging pencil thin trollop saying, "Thats Hot!" thinking that she is sexy as she does now.

*Arse in America and vadge in the real world*

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Saturday, 22 November 2008

Welcome To My Crotch

Its the weekend folks and I'm busy, tired and my cock feels like its been rubbed raw with a cheese grater. There must be easier ways to gets the cheese off me cock than that.

Why are ya all blogging go get a life or alternately you can read my archives or write blog posts about me and my greatness. Did I ever tell ya about the time I single handedly defeated the warlord Wassi Khan and 400 of his bravest warriors? Thank fuck for Jet fighter planes I say they certainly don't like the old Sidewinder up them thats for sure.

Why are the terrorists wearing Balaclavas? they all look the same anyway. In the newspapers they say "suspect a 5 foot 9 inches male of medium build and was last seen trying to rape an old granny" yeah but they don't say if he was black, Asian or Hispanic. I bet if he was white they'd mention that.
I'm no a dumb white supremacist but reverse racism is a real thing due to political correctness, you know the thing that stops free speech.

Like I said I'm too busy to post.

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Friday, 21 November 2008

Find The Hidden Message And Win $50

The Troll at the Troll Report is honoured by the attention I give him and you know what? rightly so as when I comment on other blogs I cheapen my greatness and lower my standards but its all about the giving with me.

Oh how is yer Ma's herpes?

"You gotta pay the Troll toll to get into the boy's hole."

'Its always sunny in Philadelphia' one of the most funny and disgusting shows ever, like my blog on TV I bet they get my jokes.

In a world that doesn't make sense then why should this post? Nice glass bricks.

Monks fisty cuffing each other in the Holyland because their way to worship the same God is the best. Now that doesn't make sense but monks have always been violent trouble makers.

Ghey or violent I'm no sure but I would not like to meet him in a dark alley .

Hot news presenters getting back at Old Knudsen by marrying some bloke and becoming a baby factory just because Old Knudsen would not commit.

And though she tried to stay anonymous the bastards caught up with her. You shall be avenged. When you revenge make sure you dig two graves, that expression makes sense now as there are two of them.

Why did I pass on a multi-million pound Football contract to become a blogger? we all have to live with our mistakes and accept responsibility for our actions. I of course blame Mago and Global warming, both total cunts.

I love this picture, I want it enlarged ......... oh and the picture and framed to hang above my kitchen table as soon as I get one or the other. I have named this piece 'The Ecstasy and the Apathy' is she awake? what is causing his enigmatic smile? is that a pair of socks on the chair to wipe up the jizz with?

Did you hear about the rape and carjacking just up the road from my hoose? Yes the woman on top is that news presenter I'm sick of the games to make me jealous however I do like to watch.

Just remember people the Lemurs will get you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody bug-eyed murder I say! Be complacent if you want but you'll be next

For all my new Irish readers soon to cum tales from when I was in the Black'n'Tans, ah yes who doesn't like to hear stories of sectarian beatings sanctioned by the government ? You don't have to be Catholic to be Irish but they are more fun to torture.

I don't like to plug my work......................... I do like to plug yer Ma.

A neighbour was so proud that little Brittany was going out on her first date that he wanted me to take a picture of the young couple for their wall. I wasn't going to tell my neighbour about ............. well one picture says a thousand words.

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