Isn't DSL or LSD great? with my dial up gone I've now managed to visit some of yous with my limited time. So many of my links have gone private, deleted or just not posting ah well it will cum to us all eventually thanks for telling me you cunts that just sloped off.
Its so easy now and I don't have to check me shite meter to find out where people are from as I get told when I go onto their blogs, the bloody Interweb is making it impossible to be a sneaky cunt which brings me to my subject. Yes this post has a subject.
Americans pretending to be British
I knew the Yanks loved the Irish, fuck knows why but they seem to want to be British too. I used to be able to tell with their spelling, you know words like 'colour' and 'color' Americans can't spell. Then there was the culture references like saying 'Firestones' for tires instead of Dunlop or Michelin.
Now its all so easy. Yes I am British, Scots/Irish to be exact and I will not be extradited back to the UK away and fuck with yer bogus war crime charges.
When I came here to sunny Callyfornia I heard of a pop group called Greenday and heard their song 'American idiot' ah how ironic I like to change the first line a little, " Don't want to be an American idiot so I sing with a fake British accent."
Not to forget the laughing stock that is Madonna who pretends to be British. *To my shame* I was at a Sci-fi convention in Wales in the late 90's and a pregnant yank star Nana Visitor said she liked the Welsh town name of clywed as a possible name for her baby as it sounded like dripping water 'clue-id' a member of the audience said how funny it would be to name yer child after a drab industrial town, she went off the idea a little I think she called the baby Scunthorpe or something classy like that .
Then that fucking cunt Dick fucking van dyke the chimney sweep from hell, he set the bar for Yanks doing Brit accents and either they sounded like a bad cockney or like the royal family.
Ever see Don Cheadle in Oceans 11 ? fuck his cockney accent was bad, I was talking about it to a yank fella and he shouted out, "you moron it was a Jamaican accent." I just walked away and have never talked to that fool since.
I know being British is something to aspire to but start Irish (most yanks say they are Irish) then Welsh, Southern English, Northern English and then the highest level Scottish if you can but make sure you understand the culture, bitter, Protestant, Catholic, once it was mostly white people now soon to be just like America.
All that is good and great in British culture Samantha Fox. Who wasn't glad when she turned 16 and got her tits out in the Sun newspaper?
The British Empire once ruled a quarter of the world and sure we may have executed the odd wog or savage to do so but what makes us Great Britian is the fact that we are ok about that and they probably deserved it anyway.
God save the Queen!
*Wales, otherwise known as 'that area of sheep shaggers stuck onto England' the sci-fi convention was cool*
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Thursday, 31 July 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Young and beautiful with so much life ahead of him ah where did all the years go to?
Around 1415 which to you civvies is 2.15pm or just after lunch if you will I was plodding across Northwestern France. I was on what I thought was an 18 - 30 holiday of piss-ups and drunken gurls or wenches as we called them then.
We attacked many Frenchie cities including Calais and I thought it was all just a bit of a laugh slicing up frogs with Stanley knives and shouting, "cum and have a go if you think yer hard enough" the French press called us 'Ale louts' and weren't very impressed with that aspect of British culture.
All that bread and cheese those foreign mongs eat got to a lot of us and we got dysentery and were weak but still when marching in formation you had better make an effort and get to the front or you'd be wadding through British arse soil .
We had fought the French and missed our boiled bland foods and ugly weemen so we headed back to Calais to catch the ferry. The frogs thinking they had a chance got in between us and dared us to a fight with taunts about our parents being hamsters and smelling of elderberries. It was that after a few farts in our general direction that king Henry V or just V to his friends said something like this.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here.
Ok it was longer than that but Shakespeare is just so boring and overrated, he was a Fenian you know but had to keep that hidden because of the Fenian cleansing as ordered by God himself. Not that I'm saying that Fenians are less than people oh no thats not it at all I'm saying they are less than a good Protestant's foot long turd, I'm sure you'd agree. They may have invented anal sex which is an excellent invention but they also invented pedo priests and frigid weemen.
What his majesty Mr V actually said was:
Good brave soldiers, they just called yer ma's dirty slappers, yer ma's may very well be dirty slappers cos I bucked them all last night but are you going to take that from Frenchmen who fuck with their faces and fight with their feet ?
Mr V knew what buttons to press in us for in our culture you can call yer mates mum a hoor and have a laugh about it but you fuck up anyone else who says the same thing. Its all very complicated.
We met the French at Agincourt, it is said that the battle was won by the skill of the British archers who used the 'longbow' but really it was won by 'Strongbow' which is an alcoholic cider drink we all chugged just before the fight to invoke our berserker rage.
I can remember the battle as if it was yesterday which is a silly thing to say as I can't remember what or who I did yesterday all I know is I woke up in a pool of blood and my dick was covered in shite and neither were mine for a change.
Oh my neighbour has lost his wee poodle mix, a little yappy grey thing if you cum across it.
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Monday, 28 July 2008
Firstly a salute to the Queen who is saluting back, 63 and Helen Mirren is looking mighty good to these old eyes. I remember back in the day when I busted a young Helen Mirren's brown star over the bonnet of a Mini Metro but a gentleman doesn't bust and tell.
In a world in which you have to print warnings on plastic bags to not give them to children and on coffee cups saying that the coffee may be hot I have found something else even more ridiculous than that Global warming shite.
The US housing market is fucked up the ass without a wipe and so there is no one to pay the extremely high price for the water to up keep the lawns which in a drought region is a fucking stupid idea to start off with but thats Americans for you and their issues about the English.
Now on all these empty hooses they are spray painting the dead and dying grass green to make them look better, yes just like they did in the Die Hard films to Bruce Willis' head to hide his baldness, no not green ya stupid cunts, for fucks sake you get the readers you deserve thats for sure.
There is this Yank singer called John Cougar Toyota Melloncamp who had two hits songs from what I know, 'Paper and fire' and 'Jack and Jill' yes I do like to hone my pop culture skills. Well I saw a picture of him and he is looking more like Glam rocker and convicted pedo Gary Glitter. nature abhors a vacuum or hoover or something so I think the police should check out Mellonhead's computer for kiddie porn.
Glitter had a song called 'do you want to touch me?' and fancied himself as the leader of the gang, cut off his willy and feed it to him while listening to his own shite songs and let him bleed to death. If you don't support death and torture for pedos please put yer argument forward for child rape in the comments.
Eva Lungeria will do anything to get her picture taken this is a still from the Posh and Becks three some she starred in, here giving Dave an own goal.
Posh lives up to her name by being too good to swallow. I start watching the tape and then David Beckham says something in that squeaky comedy voice of his and it puts me right off .
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Thursday, 24 July 2008
The poor gurl has chapped nipples.
In America there is a product called Ben ghey in Britain we call it Deep heat, its been known as a cure all but I'm older than that and in my day we had Calamine lotion. A pink liquid that dries on the skin to stop itching. In the 1950's doctors advised heavy tar cigarettes to cure a chesty cough, a horrible hot lemon drink called Lem sip for colds a cup of tea for any emotional trauma and every thing else was cured by Calamine lotion.
My aunt Bertha on my fathers side died of a heart attack so they covered her in Calamine lotion over night and by morning she was alive again, sure she may have chased doon the neighbourhood pets and ripped them apart with her teeth now and again but the important thing was she was alive again, the family blame her coffee drinking for her strange behaviour.
The famous Scottish missionary and explorer of Africa David Livingstone 1813-73 took a bottle Calamine lotion with him and cured malaria in the continent, the current batch of malaria was invented by the US government to kill off the darkies, he only died when he received a blanket infected with the new strain of malaria from the American reporter Henry Morton Stanley who said the now famous words, "Dr Livingstone, here have a blanket." If only the altruistic doctor hadn't used his last bit of lotion on those worthless blackies who didn't even make good slaves, yes another one of my issues, you give them a meal a day 20 lashes and work to do and still they don't appreciate it.
I've done 2 first aid courses so I'm almost a doctor meself, the best advice I give to people now when they feel poorly is go have a shite, someday it may be the only pleasure left in yer life so enjoy it while yer young too.
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Being an operative for 'The Company' say no more say no more I have my snitches, bitches and slags all over the world.
Let me introduce you to 'Deep Toot' which is not his or her real name of course. Deep Toot keeps me up to date on the movements of top U.N. officials as he or she likes to hang around the restrooms, also on other stuff as he or she gets bored easily, ADHD I suspect.
He or she wrote to me this:
I entered Old Bitter Balls on http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/blog_cuss and it said 41.7% of the pages had cussing. That is 317% MORE than other websites that took the test.
I'm not sure whether to congratulate you or give you some shite for slacking.
For that last remark expect to receive some deadly Tampax in the mail.
As for my score, fuck shit piss wank cunt and what are you looking at bastard face? that score really cracks my tits and leaves a brown stain on my permanent record.
I once rode a fucking horse to catch a moving fucking cunty train, then I leapt from the horse (I rode bare back equestrian style) and beat a Nazi spy who was carrying microfilm in his left ball to death with my bare fists and ate his body raw to conceal the evidence, I didn't eat his face instead I wore that as a disguise until our train reached neutral Swaziland and then I attended a convention in Geneva passing on my microfilm in a passionate kiss to a beautiful French agent called Fifi and the cunts at The Company neglected to mention that I forgot to clock back in after me break, that made me madder than a priest on a desert island full of young gurls.
No one ever looks after the spies or covert operatives as we prefer to be called. When I worked for British MFI we had to supply our own lunches, one time I got into trouble for not following a chappy because I had just ordered me burger and no fucking way was I going to be out money for those bastards . I was asked by the head of MFI whose codename was '@' if I had an attitude problem so I said " whats it to you, you baldy cunt?" thats when I got assigned to Turkey fuck I hate Turkey, I used to like it but now I only eat chicken, the bird flu doesn't scare me if me drumstick sneezes then I don't eat it, I knew a lass who liked to be fucked with a frozen drum stick which was a pity as I was the lead singer and not the drummer.
Turkey is known as a moderate Muslim cuntry, is that like a moderate drinker? I see moderate drinkers as people who can't commit to going all the way and getting totally off their faces and so are not to be trusted, when I drink I become a totally different person, I become the 'Fart Knocker' I fight crime and people who I think are giving me a dirty look and have the power of spew which blinds or revolts my opponent. I am also a great dancer, a better driver and brilliant in bed, more so than normal even though I cannot drive, well sober anyway.
I have a confession to make, snails like to come out into my garden at night and what I like to do is walk around in the dark crunching their shells underfoot, am I the only one who enjoys this past time?
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Monday, 21 July 2008
Another thing about films, this Mummy crap and Journey to the centre of the earth both look the same to me, ach you can tell when a sequel is shite when not all the original actors will star in them or if its got Brendan Fraser pretending to be Indiana Jones. Thats all I have to say.
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Labels: bad films
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Wow the new Batman film, I didn't go and see it. I did just read about it on two other blogs so that will do me. Ok so Heath Ledger died and the ghouls want to see the movie I went through all this with The Crow and that TV series with the male model who was really a spy, I can't be arsed remembering the title so impress me and tell me .
Ledger seemed like a nice bloke and was a decent actor but I can live without Batman, sorry mate you'll be remembered as the ghey cowboy who fucked with Batman. I'll remember you as the Aussie that shagged some very hot weemen in real life , well done lad.
Well at least the Joker isn't dancing to Prince tunes and how could he have killed Batman's parents? sounds half-arsed to me, lets just change everything why don't we.
Batman is a useless fucker, like James Bond with a bat fetish. No powers to speak of the only difference is that he is rich and has gadgets . I wonder what Donald Trump, Bill Gates or Richard Branson would look like in super hero costumes in fact Batman isn't even a 'super' hero.
I dislike the franchises that dish out and rehash the hero, oh whats the blonde Bond going to be like? away and fuck its like a soap opera in which a main character goes off to pursue a music career and so they replace them with someone else its just an excuse for nerds to argue about the best one .
Christain Bale may be a fine peice of man meat but its all shot in the dark so CGI can be added big time so who cares what he looks like it isn't even him.
In the old days you could tell when a stunt man is on screen now you can just assume its a computer graphic .
Hellboy 2 seems interesting to me but I'll wait for DVD as spending a fortune to sit with germy strangers who won't shut up isn't appealing to me and I'll see Batman like the other one when it comes on the telly.
As for dark knight its spelled 'night' for fucks sake get it right you idiots.
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Friday, 18 July 2008
People ask me all the time, "Old Knudsen just what do you do for a living?" so I tell them and then I kill them. Classified information you see.
Just this week I was in the mountains of Pakistan, I was hired by 'The Company' to hunt doon a top IRA terrorist who was linking up with Osama to kill innocent people in the name of their agenda ridden religion.
Yes I did hear what that pope cunt said about fossil fuels, to quote "If you burn fossil fuels you will burn in Hell with those who have had abortions and divorces."
I don't trust any Nazi who refuses to wear a condom and supports pedos.
So anyway I was dropped off by helicopter and had to yomp 20 miles to my ambush point, there was a change to the enemies' plans so I had to go 2 extra days without rations living off my own spunk and snotters.
I saw them driving up, two raghead guards and Sean O'Malley a top IRA commander.
For this job I went slightly old school and used a Barrett light 50 M82A1, I tore those fuckers apart and stopped their Jeep dead so to speak.
For those with weak stomachs do not look at the next picture, war is hell but me rent was due.
I'm not proud of what I do, ah fuck that of course I'm proud otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it.
I'm changing over my Interweb access to something else so excuse the fuck out of me if I don't fucking blog, also I have a back log of terrorists to kill. The Israelis want me to bust a cap (sniper talk) into the Hezbollah cunts they swapped for the two dead bodies, my pleasure I said.
I can strip and assemble a L1A1 SLR (no not a camera) with my eyes closed but all this computery stuff is beyond me, still you won't be finding YouTubes here, I'll leave that to the lesser bloggers, now I'm off to watch a couple of Youtubes.
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Here in Callyfornia I have heard about people who break up fights getting shot or stabbed to death and it got me thinking.
My older brother Lars did get stabbed in the arm when trying to break up a fight, it was aboard a boat and the knife was one of them wee kitchen devil ones.
A mate of mine named Billy, no not Billy one ear, you have to understand that 90% of the men in my Protestant culture are called Billy after King Billy or William of Orange if you will.
Billy used to tell his two sons never to get involved in fights or trouble, not even to break them up.
I don't know if I have it in me to do nothing but as I get older I do care less for the silliness that we males do.
Back in the day you'd yell "Fight!" so everyone would come and watch but if it was one sided or it was my job to protect staff or customers I'd break them up.
I did watch in fascination once when an off duty Para (tough soldier) gouged the eyes of a man he was fighting, the control and technique was cool as fuck.
Billy's son got beat up and robbed at a cash machine once , his gurlfriend certainly got involved as she broke a couple of her toes kicking the attackers, I'm sure his son would of appreciated someone else stepping in to help.
Labels: ultimate fighting
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.
"No, twas the best sex I've had in 25 years, to be sure! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Dunkin' Donuts again!"
No offense to any bog trotters reading this, we all appreciate yer contribution to the wars of terror in fighting yer fellow terrorist type against we the invaders.
Labels: Irish Jokes
Sunday, 13 July 2008
A funny mole on my back and no one can understand me, south on East street and head on north I'm no buying yer cult today so fuck away off and have a nice day and Jesus loves you but I think yer a cunt.
Love it or leave it................. if I stay will it piss you off more?
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Nor shall I mention the battle, which took place in 1690, that is the most important landmark in the history of Northern Ireland, signifying the triumph of Protestantism over Roman Catholicism which in historic reality was only about power rather than religion but what stirs people to violence better than religion huh?
Every year there is always some kind of trouble with the Protestant Orange lodges marching through Catholic areas as they have done for 100 years before the hooses were built, they use words like 'Tradition' and say "It's difficult not to offend those who have a determination to be offended," and how its their right to march on the Queen's highway even though the Queen's law says to re-route the parades.
Some years things do go peacefully.......... ish, you'll always get 4 story bonfires and drunken fights and people using the time to settle grudges but that's Northern Ireland for you.
For all the years that Americans have supported the Catholic terrorists by sending them money and guns to kill my people I do find it ironic that they are in the same position in Iraq as the British in Ulster, wanted by some but not by others, religious factions killing whoever and the coalition seen as an invading oppressing force instead as a peace keeping army for freedom, I call Iraq Northern Ireland on Steroids.
Heres to that Dutch prick King William and may Iraq finally find relative peace after 30 odd years too.
*I'm sure it was all safe before he went near the battlefield*
Labels: 12th july
Friday, 11 July 2008
I may of mentioned before that I am quite old, maybe my name gives it away I don't know blog readers ain't as smart as they used to be. I was an apprentice flint knapper before that fucking bronze age thingy came in, I knew Richard the lion heart before his transplant when he wasn't such a cunt and I also knew Joan of Arc before she met the Arcs and started the band. My moles are so old that some have become sentient and a few have even evolved into primitive life forms, yep I.T. specialists.
Old age will happen to you all, except for yous who will die before then of course, pay me the money I've requested and you'll be ok.
So remember you silver lovers out there when you bump uglies practice safe sex such as spitting on the ground and turning 3 times afterwards.
Labels: old age
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
I really only use it to either re-eat a really nice fish supper or to go back or forward in time to have sex with meself any other use would be abusing my powerful position and that would be wrong.
So anyway long after the time that the Apes ruled the Earth I was a Colonel aboard the Battlestar Erotica, we were at war with these robots from Ceylon called Cylons who thought they were superior to humans even though we made them and wanted to dominate us, yes as you have probably already guessed they were made by Microsoft, their breaking doon all the time was the only thing that kept us ahead in the war.
I was on the bridge of the Erotica dropping food over the side for the 'Space carp' when Lt Johnson shouted "incoming bogies on the space radar Colonel" annoyed that my quiet fish feeding time was interrupted I growled back " wipe them off ya dirty frakker" he did so using his cuff "4 Cylon raiders inbound 6 o'clock" I looked at my watch, thank fuck my shift ended at 5.
"Frakkin toasters" I yelled "why can't they just lightly brown my bread?"
"Get captain Apollo Creed and Lt Maxwell Hoose into their Vipers and tell them to blast those frakking Cylons into frakkin pieces" I demanded as I tried to scrape the dark bits off my frakkin toast but it never tastes the frakkin same afterwards.
Commander Adonis strolled onto the frakkin bridge, "whats the frakkin situation Colonel ?" his face betraying no emotion at all.
The commander listen patiently then he pulled out his service space pistol and blew his brains out.
"Hey it wasn't me" I exclaimed as everyone looked on in shock, "well there you have it 5 o'clock already I'll be frakkin off now."
Sunday, 6 July 2008
What a fucking minger, must be from Texas.
I never liked Jessica Simpson much and as far as I know she doesn't read any of my blogs so fuck the bitch. I remember her as a wanna be pop singer and have seen her meteoric rise to wanna be actress and useless celeb.
To boost her career after its high point of a reality show she now dates American footballers and wears t-shirts with slogans that express her personality.
She was seen wearing a t-shirt saying "Real women eat meat" I tested this theory by trying to force ground beef into the mouth hole of my 'real Mj' rubber doll but it didn't chew the meat and I had much trouble cleaning it out before I used it again, fucking old dead meat is so 1890's and my necrophilia phase is long past though sometimes I like to dig up the odd old friend.
Don't bother looking at her tits as they are fake, thats like wanking over two inflated balloons.
Pamela Anderson the famous hoor and exploiter of the female form (terrible I say) has taken great offense at Simpson wearing the slogan.
Being a member of PETA that crazy in the head animal rights group that set up an animal shelter and ended up putting most of the animals doon she doesn't like people choosing for themselves.
She like eating meat well enough in her home movie.
That's what these groups are really about not saving animals from abuse but forcing their agenda onto others. You can't hunt or farm animals in any way and also you can't eat them because they don't like it.
Clay Aiken American Idol loser and Spamalot star has cum out in support of Simpson............ but hes not ghey.
I like eating animals and at one time in my life I was forced to eat very little meat due to being in a Russian Guglag for 4 years and so my fellow inmates started to looked like roast chickens like they do in the cartoons and soon I wasn't allowed to have cell mates.
Being picky about food has caused the most traumatic events in history, the Potato famine could have been avoided if the picky Irish ate the soy substitute and beef, lamb and cabbage etc but oh no they wanted potatoes.
The Holocaust would never had happened if the Jews ate the food the Germans served but oh no it wasn't Kosher and the Katrina disaster would not have been so bad if the US government sent some BBQ chicken to compliment the rice they sent.
If yer eyes at the front of yer head yer a hunter and need to eat meat, it does my old heart harm when I see vegetarians putting their dogs on meatless diets and then try to tell you they are happy.
I see no need for the factory farming and the pumping of steroids into animals except greed and think that the animals should be treated better before they are slaughtered for our plates, if you kill something do it fast so there is less suffering if you were to die you'd probably want that for yerself .
PETA need to fuck off, they go on about wearing fur but they hardly ever mention leather and you know why? because bikers wear leather and they would really fuck them up more than a KFC eating chav wearing Burberry .
Saturday, 5 July 2008
I asked my mucker Buddy if he knew anywhere that I could get something for my pain until I get me meds. For you arseholes who only read me to get into my gunties I have a corelle plate in my head from the bad landing I had at Normandy and tupperware elbows from the battle of Goose Green, I had 3 rubber toes from Verdun that put a spring in my step but they have since been replaced with polished ivory from an elephant I killed myself of course the zoo was very pissed off about it but animals shouldn't be held in captivity unless yer going to eat them.
Buddy told me of a darkie who hangs around Padre Liquor and sells medications and the like so I walked up there as Buddy took the RV off the Home Depot to pick up an illegal Mexican day worker, you know how they stand in the car park hoping someone needs a worker well I hope Buddy remembers to put plastic down this time and picks one that won't be missed.
Off I walked up the road, it was fucking hot, a tweed jacket and a flat cap sure do keep the cold out, by the time I got up there my socks were soaking as my balls were dripping sweat doon my legs.
I saw the shifty fella with his large brimmed hat complete with a feather and asked if he had any pain medication and something for itching, he told me he only had crack so I said, "two cracks please" and paid my $400.
Interesting stuff I felt great and I felt like I could fly but in reality it wasn't that good and I could only float a little bit. I got home and lay on the couch then I realised I was in the wrong house and was chased out by a fat Mexican bloke then I found my real home obviously someone had been playing tricks on me.
I don't have a sofa anyway so I lay on my bed and snoozed, before long I was under attack, it was dark and the gooks had broken through the perimeter, explosions everywhere.