Tuesday 20 May 2008

Indiana Jones And The Skull Fuck Of Syphilis


Bill Homann a karate teacher owns one of them Crystal skull thingys. Yes we've been through this craze before with Arthur C Clarke and In Search of.

Now the crystal skull are the latest of those legends that you can make up any old shit about and top hippy scientists give their credentialed opinion about so it must be true.

Indiana Jones, Da Vinci code, that crap Nicholas Cage film that it hurts me to remember, oh yeah all of them have taken liberties and now young people who never heard the stories before think they know because they watch the films.

Like when Titanic came out and the young uns were shocked when it sunk at the end or the people who think they know about Spiderman or Ironman even though they have never read any of the comics.

Back to Homann he got the skull through the adopted daughter of F.A. Mitchell-Hedges who found it in 1924 in a Mayan pyramid in British Honduras, Belize, a lovely place to visit unless yer in the British army and stationed there to learn jungle warfare and then its bug infested crotch rotting hell but don't take my word for it go their yerself.

The daughter Anna Mitchell-Hedges who was there when the skull was found died in 2007, she was cared for in her last days by Homann and gave him the skull, I wonder what he had to do for it to make an old woman's last days happy. A little head for a little head.

The skull is carved out of a single piece of clear quartz, the life-sized skull features smoothly contoured cheekbones and a detachable jaw that sets perfectly into the cranium.

It is so scientifically accurate that a face of a young Mesoamerican woman can be reconstructed from it but shes ugly as fuck.

How it was made and by whom remains a mystery as the Mayans didn't even have the wheel.

The Mayan civilization peaked between A.D. 300 and 900 and no other crystal skull has been excavated, if the Mayans were so fucking smart then why didn't they make something useful like the Interweb or microwaves, oh that's right because they were fucking savages.

Scientists at Hewlett Packard in 1970 did tests on the skull and found that no modern tools could make the skull because the vibrations would crack the crystal. If it was made by hand, the Hewlett Packard team concluded it could take as long as 300 years to complete.

What the fuck do HP know? when they can make decent computers and printers then I might think they know what they are talking about.

The legend, based on the Mayan “Long Count” calendar, which runs out on Dec. 21, 2012, says that the ancient Maya possessed 13 crystal skulls that, when united, hold the power of saving the Earth from destruction in some kind of vague way.

On the 22 December 2012 I'm going to laugh my old bitter balls off, remember the year 2000? how many times has the world been coming to an end? 1800, 1900 and Heavens gate, ring any bells? not to mention the Russian cult that holed themselves up in a cave to wait for the end, oh the leader forgot to turn up so the Ruskskis put him into a nut hoose and now the dumb fuckers in the cave after several long months of playing 'I spy' have left, they'll be joining the Jehovah witlessnes , Morons or Pentecostals next, fuck I hate cults and the weak minded sheep that join them, feel my scorn and taste my corn.

The number of skulls in the world that have been found so far is either 3 or 8, isn't it great to have brainy scientists on the job?

Yawn fucking yawn its obvious that spacemen came doon carved a few skulls with lasers, helped them with their maths skills and said fuck this humans are so thick and took them off for food.

I don't think much of any civilsation that can't even invent toilet paper or zippers, sure with enough slaves and suffering I could build you a pyramid or two but don't talk to me about advanced civilisation until you can blown up millions of people with just one bomb .

That Indiana Yawn film lets hope its as good as the second (sarcasm there folks) Indiana Jones and the rest home of death, now old people think they can swing on whips and beat up Russians, who do you think you are Old Knudsen?

Indiana Jones (with the Welsh surname and Scottish dad) would break his fucking hip in the first 5 minutes just like the real James Bond who would be too busy having liver transplants to be a cocky womanising spy.

I'm off to watch the last Rambo film, I hear its really good. Like in the second one a gook chick asks him, "what is expendable?" and Rambo who has never gone to school cos hes only fit to be a Marine says, " Its like when yer at a party and you leave and no one notices." She then asks him what does exacerbate mean and to use it in a sentence.

Remember when movie stars did roles that suited their ages ? you may of had Cary Grant fucking a 20 year old but that's believable, at least he didn't hit the steroids to keep up with the younger stars.

Hollywood has become even more transparent and disposable an explosion has taken the place of clever dialogue and the actors don't need to act when stunt doubles and CGI does all the work for them I feel cheated, they should pay us to watch the films. I was going to rent something out the other night but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to see.

I like to see older stars in films but not playing young men parts in which they have to run 5 miles and karate kick 10 bad guys nor do I want to see bumbling old men who when faced with violence scream and die without putting up a fight. I want real characters who stop and think and say fuck this I don't do running with my hip and knock someones teeth out.

You know what I would do? I'd bludgeon the fuckers to death with the large crystal skull I had in my hands.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

There are very few movies I want to see. I have a copy of Juno that I hear is very well written, and certainly a Canadian actress stars in it, but I haven't been able to subject myself to a movie, even if I can pause it to visit the loo.

Anonymous said...

The year 1000 in Europe, 1200, also good dates for Weltuntergang. How many of them damn skulls are here now? Are you a member of the Fortean Society?

Jenny said...

are you high?

Kimberly said...

That guy back in the other post....

Why would a guy post a pic of himself doing that??....L.....

Does he think that there are people out there who don't know that every guy does that?

The Mistress said...

The zipper is a Canadian invention.

So think of me next time you get your lad stuck in one.

Old Knudsen said...

psychicgeek I like the stripper who wrote it she has balls.

mago Chuck Fortean can suck my warty knob.

a boxer are you?

kimberly I don't wank left handed, I just thought his face was good.

MJ I think of you when I'm on the toilet, it helps.