Saturday, 31 May 2008

Have My People Kill Yer People

I did not have sex with that blogger!

Many dismiss Old Knudsen as a loony who takes too much pain medication and is attracted to Thai Gurly-boys. Well that maybe so but I know things.............. important things.

Scott McClellan the former Whitehoose spokesman unexpectedly came out with his memoirs called 'What happened' not a question but more likely telling it as it is.

The book harshly criticises Lord Darth Bush for doing his job and what nearly ever other president has done during their time in office, abused power for own agenda, told lies and started wars.

Well McCellan needed help on his book from a writer of vast experience and so I was the obvious choice. He even let me publish this story way back in March on my little news blog. Just goes to show you folks how in touch I am.

He says hes dedicated his book to me but I've yet to see it. He says it says, "To Soren thank you for that wonderful night we shared I shall never forget you."

For yer information we had dinner, went and saw Atonement at the cinema, painted each others nails and then took our shirts off and wrestled, nothing ghey so get yer minds out of the gutter.

On to issues that matter. Is top model Kerry Marie fat or sexy?

Ah my Venus of Willendorf. I think she is fat and sexy, I'd totally tap that arse as the young uns say and I'd ride her too.

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Friday, 30 May 2008

Kirk Douglas Is Outed

Don't look into his eyes.

The truth as to why Old Knudsen is in Americy is not because he is a tax exile or has been made a huge throbbing offer to re-start his porn acting career in order to save that particular industry.
Oh no my friends for I was once one of God's most fairest angels, The Morning Star, The Light Bearer or The Hot But Still Cool, yes I had many names and though I always speak the truth some took that as arrogance and pride but is it really pride to say that my booty is hotter than yers when it is?

The truth that I speak today is that Old Knudsen has cum to Americy to hunt monsters. Yes my friends they are real and I am on the trail of an undead soul muncher.

Where am I ? why am I wet ? got any life force ?

A soul muncher is a demon that feeds of the life force of others, the actor you may know as Kirk Douglas is such a vile creature.
His ancient Sumerian name being Issur Danielovitch and he has also gone by the name Sparticus but then again who hasn't ?
In this current life he is known as Kirk Douglas the father of that disgusting half a star Michael Douglas who married the stuck up Welsh witch Catherine Zeta Jones who made Ocean's 12 worse than it already was which was very bad. A whole family of evil, EVIL I say.

Look how Kirk Douglas mocks Christianity by naming himself 'Kirk' which is Scottish for church and Douglas which is a town on the Isle of Man but that has nothing to do with it.

Taking advantage of poor ghey scientologist John Travolta .

Douglas claims to be 91 years old but I know him to be much older, he goes around giving playgrounds to children's schools and charities EVIL playgrounds! and goes doon the slide for a photo op. He may be 91 but he could snap yer neck like Michael Moore breaking open a fried chicken wing to get to the fleshy flesh flesh within.

Taking the life force of poor ghey scientologist John Travolta, that should keep him going for another year.

Charlton Heston put up a superb fight before I banished that cunt to hell dimension with that Fosset wanker. I'm on to ya Douglas, the trick is not to look them in the eyes because then yer eyes will go all watery looking at their watery eyes then they'll suck off yer life force.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Je T'Aime... Moi Non Plus

Not able to post at the minute, can't talk I'm cumming doon. I'm having those weird dreams again you know the ones that have MJ and Anonymous Boxer fighting each other in a really hot and violent way to get my prized cap as worn by Jesus at the last supper.

They are in a boxing ring slugging it out while I stand at the edge of the ring rubbing my thighs and getting sprayed by sweat and blood shouting "C'mon on Trixie" and then I hear a voice from out of nowhere saying how I've bought into the whole propaganda machine and I'm so ill-informed. That's when I wake up in a mess of man custard .

I think the dream is my way of addressing the fact that I'm worried about my small er I mean huge penis and I want to fuck my Ma and kill my Da, also I've been getting random anonymous readers on old posts calling me on the shit I may or may not make up in my posts. I can just imagine the look of indignation as they read me and then the sense of satisfaction they have in telling me off and pointing out how ill-informed I am.
Ok I may on occasion enjoy the odd idiot baiting, when you argue with idiots you become one, I became one long ago I just can't help myself.

So like I said can't really post right now, to be honest I did two posts and didn't like them so I saved them, no dirty pictures they were crap.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

The Only Way To Make McCain Look Good

"When yer Preez you'll find that the blood just doesn't come off, its fucking awesome."

Its official I'm sick of US politics. A presidential candidate is as useful as an ash tray on a motorbike. Its like putting 3 guns on a table and saying "Which one do I want to blow my head off with?"

I'm a little busy at the moment I got a call from the 'Company' saying my license to kill needs to be updated. I'm ok with guns, knives, explosives, ropes and woodwind instruments its the miscellaneous section that needs some work, that's the killing with a pen, rolled up magazine, dish cloth etc. I updated my fountain pen skills to a bic and then a sharpie so I thought I was good but oh no it was the mobile phones that got me.
Back in the day the mobiles were just so heavy you could smash someone's head in with it but now they are tiny and skinny and require more skill to kill with, I don't even own a mobile but you just don't know when you have to pick up whats nearby to fight with.

Mobiles are so small now I can hardly see them no wonder people have to shout into them. I heard a young fella shout into one, "Where you at?" do they mean in life? fuck that's a bit deep, I know I'm at that stage in life where I look at what some people have to say and wonder why no one has killed them yet, a fool at 40 is indeed a fool.

Now that I'm in Callyfornia I have to take a course in hand to hand sun glasses fighting. In the UK if you see someone wearing sunglasses you'd think either "look a blind person" or "look a tourist" in any case easy pickings to mug if you needed some beer money.
Nah only kidding what kind of cunt do you thing I am mugging a blind person ? I would stand behind them when they are about to cross the road waiting for the lights to change and go "beep beep beep beep beep beep" well I have ADHD and am a sex addict so its not my fault I just get bored easily.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Spam Titles

Hey Old Knudsen, do you want to be like Girth Brooks?

I sometimes look through my spam folder as e-mails sometimes end up there and I'm amazed at the stuff I get sent, do I really come off as a pedo sex crazed junkie? no don't answer that I think I know.
These are some of the titles of the spams I get.

Naked schoolgirls in dormitory: Why would I want to see a load of titless 13 year old gurls at school ? I always hated school and no matter what that judge says schoolgurls don't do it for me.

Separate yourself from other men: I think I do that already with my greatness or at least with my B.O..

oldknudsen We can ship your medications overnight FREE: Do I look like a junkie? what have you got?

Urgent security notification for cilent of the Lloyds TSB Bank: Nice try I bank with my mattress, are you willing to claw through all the various stains and crusty socks to rob me ?
Nothing to do with the post but why is it that librarians are all hot sex starved Hornivores? all that book learnin is kinda sexy.

Rip off her panties: Most weemen would beat you around the head if you ripped their knickers.

Muscular, thick and long even when flaccid: Maybe I want this on my grave stone.

Be like sex machine: They even have machines for sex? what will they cum up with next?

Thick, immense gains to your member: I belong to enough clubs thank you.

Then I found this: 'International child porn ring found' as you can see from my sidebar I hate pedos so I thought maybe a reader was telling me about a story as they have been prone to do in the past, so I clicked on it and found something quite disturbing.

Be the undisputed sex machine of your town by clicking here: You sick fuckers.

Yes I did click on it and won that title 2 years in a row.

Monday, 26 May 2008

A Salute To The Fallen

Not being a conformist sheep type Old Knudsen doesn't play by the rules or at least he just does what he wants.
Today in the good old US of Americy its memorial day, a day to reflect on those who serve their cuntry with bravery and honour and those who have paid with their lives while doing so.
I have combined a post with the Mute Monday theme of courage because too many people are mute when it comes to courage.

For most of my life I have struggled with the concept of courage, when to stand up and say "NO THIS MUST STOP!" even though its not a popular thing to say and everyone else bows their heads keep quiet and just go along with the crowd.

To say the taboo word 'nigger' to make a point about racism knowing that a lot of people won't get past the word to see the point and will condemn me as a racist because I uttered it. Or to call Abraham Lincoln a war monger who cared nothing for liberty of Americans and the rights of slaves when he is turned into some kind of deity by romantic ill-informed historians. Adding JFK and Martin Luther King jr as others whose shit doesn't shink anymore.

My biggest fear is having my courage fail, having the fear infect me so much that my fight or flight reaction chooses flight, lucky I don't do running.

I have not done cowardly things so much but things an average person would do such as look the other way and not get involved, not in major things but in little everyday ways that chip away and I don't feel proud about. I hold myself to higher standards than most people do.

I have also done extremely brave things when afraid to do them but I face them anyway for that is true bravery.

I have done many brave things automatically and then have thought "What was I thinking?" which led me to the conclusion that courage and stupidity are kissing cousins.

There are many people with far more courage than I and I hope I will never be tested in that way.
Dealing with terminal illness, knowing you won't be there when yer kids are growing up, having yer kids taken by a stranger and never to be seen again, I don't know how some people can carry on with good grace and true courage like that.

Americans are spiritually absent for the most, on Memorial day and any other holiday they hold sales.
Have you ever seen a Remembrance Sunday sale in the UK ? No because that would be tacky.
The courage and sacrifice has been replaced with 20% off. The TV and radio bombard you with sales, sales and more sales I find this most disgusting. You can be capitalist and not be a cunt I'm sure.

Celebrate the deaths of millions by buying something nice for yer yard, you know that's what they would want.


Knowing you could pay the ultimate price but doing it anyway.
The Royal Ulster Constabulary, unappreciated courage. A tough and dangerous job that was easier to slag off than do but if there was trouble they would be the ones you'd call.
Out living yer children and being strong enough to carry on after the loss of a loved one who meant the world to you.

Just hanging in there and wondering why it wasn't you.

The disgrace of failed courage and wishing you had done it differently.

Not giving into the Nazis or the Ragheads. The bastards can bomb us but we'll never falter, "Tis but a flesh wound."

Overated courage, John Smeaton helped 'others' subdue a chinky terrorist but he was made a hoosehold name because he had character.

Still having pride because you did yer job and did what you believed in.

False courage, she was captured in Iraq after getting lost and never having fired a shot and was rescued by special forces. She gets turned into a hero.

Speaking out against governments such as China (above) Burma, Zimbabwe, Pakistan and Iran etc.

Serving with the Americans and their 'Friendly fire' with friends like that.............

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. She knew what was waiting for her.

Drawing a cartoon that criticizes fanatics who 'will' try to kill you.

Running into burning buildings when most people would run out.

The rescue services.

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Let Us Prey............... On The Weak

The Bible is the best selling book of all time, totally out selling Old Knudsen's collection of cunt poetry. 50 Bibles are sold worldwide every minute so that means 'there are 50 born again every minute' not 'one born every minute.'

The Bible is also great for reading while having a shite. The paper is the same as that cheap toilet paper so just rip out the bits you don't like and wipe yer hole with it, all that peace and love stuff can go for a start and before you know it you have standard to live yer life by.

If God was on his side then God is evil and Satan is good so therefore this is the great lie that is spoken of. Makes sense to me, you just don't want to believe.

The Bible is also the most shoplifted book in the world. probably those Fenian cocksuckers.

In Kenya just recently a mob of 300 killed 11 people in their town that they suspected of witchcraft, sounds like God's good work to me.
A plea from little Johnny

Grandfather if yer reading this please cum home we love you.

Fact: No American has died of old age since 1951.

That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

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Saturday, 24 May 2008

Ha Ha Ha Ha Staying Alive Staying Alive In The Ghetto

Listen to me and you might just make it through this post alive.

I've been in some pretty dodgy survival situations in my time, from plane crashes to shipwrecks and one time being lost from my mummy in a supermarket.
I do what I have to do to survive and I have no apologies to make to the families of those I have eaten in order to stay alive, you don't know you weren't there.
When my blood sugar gets low I get grouchy and easily annoyed and then some big fat juicy American says, "you were in special farces you need to go find us some food" that's when I say "look immigrants climbing over the wall" and when he looks I smash his head in, food is all around you if you know where to look.

There is even a McDonald's in the Amazon jungle.

I still have nightmares about the supermarket, I was alone fending for myself living off dry cereal and stealing from the sample tables . I ran wild for what must of been an hour. When my mummy found me I had forgotten how to speak English and I was dehydrated and disorientated, yes I had also found the alcohol section, that was three years ago almost to this day.

Now I have to survive the hood of Crotcharea in Southern Callyfornia one of the most inhospitable places to be if yer white.

The heat of the sun can make her balls drip like a leaky tap (faucet to the Yanks) but whatever you do don't drink that water as I have a weeping sore just under me lad.

Water is yer first concern for survival. Due to the American economy being as weak as its military many people let their lawns die but if you go to a nice street you may just catch a sprinkler that's flooding the gutter or if you look for a hoose that's been painted red by tacky Mexicans you may find a fountain like this.

Warning, the water in Callyfornia is almost undrinkable as in most third world cuntries, there is so much rocket fuel and other chemicals its like gritty poisonous moonshine.

Hydration now and gut rot later, if you have a condom you can fill it up to hold water, I don't carry them as I don't like the reduced feeling and sensitivity when I drink from them.
Another sign of where to find water is to look where the birds and wild postal workers go during dusk and at dawn or you can find a corner on a busy road and there will probably be a Quickie Mart run by a Pakkie from India (that's where they cum from right?)

Be careful cos during times of deliveries you may get caught up in an attack either on the delivery truck or the shop by a troop of baboons. Last year in America alone there were 8,000 TVs stolen by baboons and numerous other crimes but because of Slavery a couple of hundred years ago they are the true victims of crime, really quite sad when you think about it.
Lets make them all happy and send them back , Zimbabwe looks nice this time of year and Mugabe likes to blame whitey too.

Remember folks you can go 3 weeks without food and just 3 days without water, for Americans convert weeks to hours and days to minutes.

The next thing to do is find shelter from the heat, a new sports bar has just opened doon the road don't try McDonald's as those cheap fuckers never run the air.

Food, what is there to eat in the hood? well there is plenty of pussy but be wary as there is a lot of unhealthy pussies in America. I've seen blokes walking about holding onto their cock incase it drops off also they lose weight and waste away through diseased pussy as their clothes look three sizes too big for them. Dogs are plentiful too just follow yer nose and yer bound to find some roadkill.

The flag of Callyfornia has a bear on it, bears are a common threat here so be careful.

Which brings me to another danger in the hood, mobile phones otherwise known as a cell phone, just last year 3000 people were killed by cell phones, weemen driving mini vans while talking on their phones.

America has the worse drivers ever and it isn't illegal to kill pedestrians here, today I saw 3 cars run a red light, the fourth car was an SUV driven by a woman, she stopped half-way in the road and rather than turn right to get out of the way she sat in the middle blocking traffic because she wanted to go straight, the police shook their heads but IHOP was running a special so they didn't hang about, after they gave me a citation for jay-walking they were off, free cuntry my arse you can't even cross the road, anyway cars don't stop at zebra crossings here to let you cross so you might as well cross where you like.

One time in Killamory I was just about to cross at a zebra crossing, I was just off the night shift at the Titty twister social club and was tired. I stood there at the crossing waiting for a car to pass but he was waiting for me to walk across as cars give way to pedestrians, he stuck his head out the window and shouted, "is yer head up yer hole?" I did not have a witty cum back, that is a true story my friends.

This is obviously a gang of Mexican gang bangers.

Other dangers in the hood is getting caught in gang cross fire also getting caught by gang bangers, I suppose they then gang bang you to death as gangs are just so homo erotic something I don't want to find out about but only the police and criminals are allowed to carry guns or else they couldn't do their jobs.

Watch out for pan-handlers some will ask for spare change but due to inflation many will just ask for a dollar, they will call you and run after you to ask you for money.

Many pan-handlers are on the crack or the meths and can be quite crazy with the strength of 10 so its better to out crazy them, do yer crazy eyes and talk about how the next president will either be a woman or a half-cast now that is crazy talk, when they are confused stab them repeatedly in the neck with a pointed stick. Oh and carry a small pointed stick.

Twat or pussy thats yer choice, Cunty McCain will win.

If you ever find lost yerself in the ghetto always head towards greenery, to places where people water and tend their lawns. Beige is the normal colour of Southern Callyfornia and where their is greenery there is watering and there are well off people and you aren't in the ghetto no longer.

Ants? I've seen 'Bugs life' I ain't ascared of ants.

I hope this has been of some help to you, while researching this post I learned from my mistakes. I got gang banged and ate some really minging pussy I did find out that roadkill tastes a lot better than Mexican food and like in rock, paper, scissors a 9 mil gat beats a pointed stick.

Stay safe on those streets people.

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Friday, 23 May 2008

Yes I Am Complex

This post was inspired by Witchypoo who insists on posting pictures of herself on the crapper.
I have certain bathroom issues. While there is nothing wrong with a golden shower or a hot lunch on yer chest I draw the line at watching people sit on the bog to do their toilet big jobs.

I've shagged a gurl who had IBS, while she was on top she let go with the chocolate factory which is fine but to watch someone sit on a toilet and squeeze one out is just sick, couples who share the bathroom at the same time disgust me, there is a lock on toilet doors for a reason.

There is a time and a place for mega dumps like during sex or in a private bathroom so people show some decorum and for you Irish out there decorum doesn't mean spreading shit on the walls of yer prison cell.

A Letter To Knudsen

Old Knudsen gets at least 50 or 60 e-mails a day. Many want to increase his penis size or sell him something and then there are some sent by his adoring fans.
I only post what my fans say to me in e-mails if I have their permission as I am a man of honour and principle unless you count the time when I posted about the personal itches of MJ that even I wouldn't scratch and I am not at all picky.

Its odd that since I'm British, Scottish an Ulster/Scot or Scots/Irish whatever you can figure out or understand I tend to have more Yank and Canadian followers than fellow UK types, its always been that way I don't have a clue what the attraction is besides the obvious sexy man in a cap thang I have going on but all the same they read and continue to complain about my usage of 'U' in words such as Honour, Favourite, Neighbourhood etc etc I also spell aeroplane and aluminium get over it I'm right even when I'm wrong.

I won't give out details about this fan, I'll call him 'Bill' of Florida he says.

Dear Old Knudsen you are the only thing that makes my miserable life worthwhile if you ever stopped Blogging I'd kill myself and if you don't reply to this e-mail I'll cut myself.

Please don't think I'm a crazed loony I just want to be your best friend I have so much more to offer than those bitches who throw themselves at you like whores of Babylon .

When I read all of your 25 Blogs I like to smear peanut butter onto my penis and have my dog lick it off.
I pretend your words are meant for me, I have almost broken the code you put into your posts to send me messages but " behind tennis at rimjob execute cunt " doesn't mean much maybe I'm missing a word or two and you want me to kill Bjorn Borg this I would gladly do in your name.

I hope you respond to this e-mail I'll send it a few more times incase you don't get it. Now I have to go and read your archives yet again.

I thought the e-mail was kinda sweet in a needy way it beats the angry drunken e-mails I receive from someone who shall remain amonymous but puts a very strong case as to why he or she should get my cap if I died by using threats and swear words.

My cap was said to be the cap worn by Jesus at the last supper and contains powerful mojo and holy piss stains, all I know is that I'm God's gift to weemen and Asian gurly-boys the cap just gives me the edge over the rest.

As I said to MJ once, "you've tried the rest now try the best" but she wasn't having any of it as she was having 'Weeman's trouble' no idea what that is so I just nodded knowingly.

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Thursday, 22 May 2008

A Day In The Un-Dead Life

My cock still gets recognised even after all these years.

I like to share which is why so many of you have been given the clap and other maladies so here is a day in the undead life of Old Knudsen for ya.

For a change I woke up early I hardly ever see 10 am but for some reason Mexicans drive about blaring polka music out their windows. Fuck the Germans have so much to answer for, nothing good ever came out of Germany.
Polka music is so vastly un-cool even an old git like me knows this but if you watch Latino TV you'll see they are un-cool, it reminds me a bit of the tacky French TV shows I used to watch when I lived there.

I only watch Latino TV because they always have hot Latinas in skimpy outfits and I watch and think how degrading it is to weemen, degrading but fine wanking material.
I fried up some eggs and bacon and as I ate it I cursed it as bread and bacon are stinking over here, how can you fuck up bacon and bread?

I once read its healthy to have a glass of red wine a day so I knocked back a 6 pack of Newcastle brown ale to be extra healthy.

I feed and watered the bloke in the garage and told him he wasn't getting out until he gives me his bank pin number, that's a lie cos that fucker isn't going anywhere, such a big cuntry and so many hiding places for bodies I love it.

I staggered out into the hot midday sun, it wasn't as hot as the last couple of days only about 90 °F so I walked to the shops for some groceries as I'll probably be too drunk to think on my birthday its an excuse to drink not that I need one.

One of the staff was sitting on his arse using goof off on some plastic bins that contained dried out Mexican food. A gurl staffer came over and they started to talk, I eyed up the breasts in the meat section and listened.

The guy became very camp and animated, totally ghey, "This really sucks I've been at this for half an hour already."
The gurl who was a young Latina with Amy Winehoose eye make-up said, " Did Brian make you do this? that sucks."

She saw me and decided to hang about and do busy work making eye contact now and again with me, chicks dig the cap what can I say? she came up behind me and put her phone number into my trouser pocket and said, "if you want me to cook yer meat give me a call." Well that's how I remember it.

Before I left I told the guy he was lucky he didn't have a real job, I told him how I dug ditches for 40 years man and boy for tup-pence a week and the only time I got to sit doon on the job was when Frankie the foreman broke my legs for not digging fast enough, young people make me sick ................. except the hot ones.

I went into a charity shop called Goodwill to see if they had anything good and I saw the book pictured above.
I collect Buddha figures for good luck well more of an OCD thing I suspect its a hold over from my brain washing when I worked for the company and got this big white one, someday I may share my collection with you.

The cashier was a young Latina with perfect nails a nose stud and an attitude of being better than everyone else, she didn't even eye me up, must have been a leezer.

I got home and found I wouldn't be getting that pin number, maybe I should have cracked open a window in the garage or something. I got a pack of Rolling rock and watched the deadliest catch for 3 hours then at 2 am I made some chips ah living the dream.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Delighting In Schadenfreude

Did you hear the news? No not the 78,000 dead from the cyclone in Burma nor the 40,000 dead in the earthquake in China but actual happy news. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

I laughed and said "buy yer way out of that ya big headed cunt" and don't you dare go on about the Kennedy curse, oh poor family with their big hooses, boats, private planes, drinking and womanising oh I feel so sorry for you all you fugly tossers, I never understood why people thought they were good looking, they weren't/aren't.

His brain tumor is the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne the secretary he killed while driving drunk in 1969 when he crashed into a pond and managed to get out but left her there not reporting the incident.
He wasn't too worried he paid the parents $90,904 and they didn't take any legal action or even allow an autopsy. The police diver that first saw her said she was at a place where an air bubble had formed so was probably still alive for a good while.

The Kennedy's come from a dirty Irish clan who were the first bog trotters to wear helmets to protect their extremely large melons.
Ted's dad was a cowardly fuckwit who wanted to appease Hitler and it pissed me off to hear a dumb republican quote Churchill in reference to Ted Kennedys illness, how dare you sir.

Kennedy Snr lobotomised his own daughter who was a bit slow but they didn't want her to get pregnant and give the family a bad name so he hid her away for the rest of her life as she wasn't up to much after the operation .

All the Kennedys are sneaky shites, just ask the Cubans who the US trained to fight Castro but left them to be slaughtered what they think about Jack and Bobby.

Ted Kennedy is a true politician, he follows public opinion and changes with the wind. He was pro life until Roe vs Wade in 1973 then he magically became pro choice, some Catholic huh.

He supported the IRA and called for the withdrawal of troops out of Northern Ireland. When public opinion turned against Sinn Fein (AKA Fenian cocksuckers) in 2004 he snubbed Gerry Adams. Shit doesn't stick to old Teddy boy.

I'm already sick about how people are turning this wanker into a saint and hes not even dead yet. I hope karma gives it to him good, it took long enough. Wouldn't it be ironic if he died on secretary's day?