Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Mayday Mayday fat Gurl in Dis Dress Going Doon

Fucking Wiccans, a 100 overweight weemen all calling themselves Raven.

Can ya smell that ? its my old Pagan soul stirring. I may have been converted into Christianity by John the Baptist which isn't an accurate name as he wasn't a Baptist he was a Presbyterian just like Jesus.
I still get the urge to fuck goats and eat babies as Pagans do but I control it and leave the babies alone.

No one is ever allowed to leave the SPF, I've said too much.

It used to be held on 15 th May but now it starts on the 30th April with great bonfires that would mark a time of purification and transition, heralding in the season in the hope of a good harvest later in the year.

Religion back then wasn't about buggering young boys and keeping weemen folk doon that may have been an incentive to convert but religion then was life and death and living off the Earth 'Mother Earth' the great Goddess and respecting her as she gave us life.

We'd feast and jump 3 times through the fires to bring prosperity and purify ourselves in the smoke of our charred bodies ah good times.

Dancing around the Maypole on May day or the first of May was to celebrate the great God's penis penetrating the Earth and impregnating the great Goddess so she'd give us a bumper crop and none of this food shortage shite which is where we are all going wrong.

Being a fine Christian man I still honour the old ways but in a church approved way. I'd go to the Killamory strip club and watch a pole dance, the ugly ones are put on during the day but its religion so that's ok, I refuse a lap dance as that's Satan's dance and besides I'm saving meself for a visit to Old Tom's goat farm where I feed the goats then afterwards I'll chain smoke 3 cigarettes while I relax in the hay with Betty my goat friend.
I start to get hungry and I think, 'I could murder a Chinese' but murder is wrong so I beat up a Slav instead and feast on KFC.

Now for the recipe for Russian Tea Balls:

1 cup butter unsalted, softened
2 1/4 cups flour, all-purpose
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups powdered sugar sifted
3/4 cup walnuts chopped
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon of jizz

Who the fuck cares?

Typical Wiccan, " why can't people accept us? love and light, merry meet ,blessed be and may the force be with you."

I hope you all have a happy Beltane and I hope you Wiccans will fuck off and stop giving Pagans a bad name.

Have a fruitful harvest or do it up the bum no babies, whatever just keep sending me the pictures.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Iron Man Knudsen

I like them der superhero jobbies. The X-men were a favourite and did ok in the cinema, I don't like Superman, Spiderman or Batman ::::yawns:::: and the Hulk is shite but I do like what they have done with this new Iron-man film. Robert Downey Jr was a shock playing the lead but I think he'll be good and the effects don't look too computer game.

Now I have a confession to make, I am the original Iron-man. You see it had to cum from a true story otherwise they'd call him something like Stainless Steel man.

It was 1963 I had just come back from some grassy knoll business in Texas and was looking in the pharmacy section of 'Boots' for some pills to cure my anemia cos as you regular readers know I became a vampire at one point in my life, for those people who only look at my blog for tits go find that post it has some great tit pictures, no really I wouldn't waste yer time by tricking you to look at a humourous well written post......................... unworthy cunts!

Then something happened that would change my life forever, or at least for a few weeks. I reached for a bottle of iron tablets but jostled the display and 100 iron tablet bottles fell on me. I lay there in a state of semi consciousness as the 14 pints of stout I drank earlier had started to effect me. The manager came round and chucked me out of the store.

When I got home I started to notice somethings, my shit had turned black and I could get the BBC world service in my left ear, well what do you do in a situation like that? I'll tell ya what you build yerself a suit of powered armour with a cyberpathic link to control it. I made sure I put a torch (flashlight) in the chest so when I was flying about commercial aeroplanes could see me.

I was super strong and could defrost food with beams from my hands I'd call my microwaves . I found other talented outcasts like myself, Captain Killamory who had the power to deflect rocks with a dustbin lid, The Wasp, being a White Anglo Saxon Protestant she had the power to sting people with her superiority and make them feel small by talking doon to them, then there was Hawkeye, he was the last of the Mohicans and an ex army doctor who served in Korea.

We called ourselves 'The Revengers.'

Purse snatchers kids playing ball against the hooses and double parkers felt our justice but then tragedy struck.

We came up against a gang of super villains who had the power to use machine guns, my armour held and protected me against the bullets unlike my brave companions, that was the time I decided to quit The Revengers . With my chest torch shattered and no longer able to shine the light of justice and black tar like shit emitting out of my bum vent I took off into the sky just in time to smack into an aeroplane.
I climbed up onto the wing and some guy looked out and started screaming, I fell off before anyone else could see me so no one believed him.

I plummeted doon to earth but luckily Killamory had the largest mattress factory in the North because it was right because the concrete block factory that I landed on.
I went next door and applied for a job making mattresses and I was hired on the spot and that adventure has to wait for another day.

Did I ever mention the time when I fell into a vat of preparation H or when a radioactive midget bit me?

Lucky it wasn't Copper tone or skin bronzer that fell on me cos that would be a really crap superhero.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Mute Monday

The theme for this week is intoxication, as a wise man once said: "Moderation is for monks and yer my best fucking mate and I love ya, no really seriously I love ya :::::::blach::::: sorry mate was that yer shoes?"

You go to bed with Halle Berry and wake up with Haile Selassie .

Don't eat the mints.

Better out than in.
You really are so beautiful fancy a shag before I go on a secret space mission that I may not come back from?

Stop the room spinning I'm trying to sleep.

Who hasn't been here after a few dozen drinks?
So fucking hot!

Ginger Gerry scourge of the streets of Belfast R.I.P.

Sunday, 27 April 2008

Sunday Soapy Tit Wank

I don't like being lied to by the media so that's why I don't believe anything I hear. I mean oil went up in price because a US cargo ship with a security onboard fired some warning shots at some boats that were getting too close in the Persian Gulf.
Why did the price go up? nothing happened was it to make up for the cost of the bullets? sounds just like an excuse to me 'Media Manipulation' that's what goes on. A hint a rumour and the next thing you know 1929 wall street crash.

Now instead of having straight posture and a square chin actors can have all this fixed in post production. Cuntpop singer Faith Hill looks like a normal but still attractive middle aged woman on the left with facial lines, a slight roll of fat and thicker arms.
Then on the right she is 30 with Liz Taylor lighting and adjusted bits.
Burt Lancaster wasn't photoshopped, he just whipped it out in all his intact unmutilated by ignorant parent or rabbi glory.

What a shock to see yer hero on the street and to find out they are actually just a boring human with bad breath and a slow leak from their arse. I like the picture on the left better it has life to it.

Poor Renee Zellweger she has some kind of skin problem, you'd think having millions you could get that fixed, no offense Renee but don't go out without make-up on and stop working out so much.
This time its ok to lie because its for the greater good of my wank bank I thought she looked her best in Jerry McGuire, a great film and one of the few I can stand to watch after Tom's crazy episode on the sofa and ever since.

A before and after of Mel Gibson, you think he just wakes up looking as hot as he does on the right? no work goes into it. For his antisemitic information the Jews don't start all the wars. The uppity negros started the American civil war.

Do you believe those before and after pictures when the person walks towards the camera fat and ends up thin? I believe it as much as I believe the special effects in American Werewolf in London, yet another great film.

I took Bulimiax after throwing up every meal and look at me now!

Then there are those adverts that have the old way of doing things in black and white with the people getting angry and frustrated or hurting themselves and the new easy way in colour with the people smiling.

Tired of doing tiring exhausting exercise? well now you can use the new 'nipple zap' just attached the electrodes to yer nipples and electric shocks tense yer body exercising those muscles while you watch TV, read the newspaper or lie in bed, no more exertion just relaxing electrocution.
If you believe the media then Saddam had WMD, Al Qaeda are a small shite sect who are losing the war, you can look younger, thinner and have a bigger penis by just taking pills, the world is heating up and we are doomed even though 30 years ago it was about to go into an ice-age and we were doomed.
Just be a fatalist why bother composting and recycling? the 50 cunts across the road don't we are going to implode no matter what because everyone is lying and that is the truth.

As my old grand pappy used to say: "curry flavours the bald" makes you think huh?

Saturday, 26 April 2008

My Typical Saturday

Saturday named after Saturn the planet of the lobster hoors and mud-men.

I'll follow some weemen around toon pretending to be a confused old man thinking they are my grand daughter. Young gurls love creepy old men that smell of piss.

Then its off to the gym to work-out for 3 or 4 hours.

I'll get a Chinese on the way home.

Pop in some classic Star Trek into the old VCR assuming no one has stolen it.

Then later its Pay- per view , don't miss the big fight tonight. A cow takes on a rhino.

Then its lets send drunken e-mails to weemen time and make some comments on Blogs. I may engage in cyber sex but you won't know.

I'll fall asleep with my cock in my hand and vomit all doon my front having those dreams yet again. Damn those dreams it was 40 years ago why can't they leave me alone?

Yes the life of Old Knudsen is as glamorous as you thought. When my mates get paroled and the prostitutes forget why they are avoiding me my social life will perk up. Stay tuned maggots.

Friday, 25 April 2008

A Top Up

I wondered how you inflated those things. What a crap boob job. Being a fan of titties I am disgusted that this can happen in the 21st century. Never mind female circumcision or the socially accepted male circumcision I demand that bad plastic surgeons be executed for tit crimes.

A Guide To Courting

Firstly crime doesn't pay, unless yer good at it. I was in the Killamory Crown Court today for slanderous disgusting charges. How could anyone think I could do such a thing? I don't want to get into details but let me ask you this.

If you found a dead but very attractive person what would do? why call the police? I mean they are dead, no helping them.

Maybe you if you were old and mentally fragile you could say you thought they were passed out and you tried to revive them like any good Samaritan would do, but without the necessary training you thought that using yer penis was acceptable, that doesn't sound unreasonable now does it?

Well I'm Presbyterian not Samaritan whatever Samaritans are but I'm sure they'll burn in Hell for something.

let me ask you this, why would God create so many orifices on a person if he didn't intend for you to stick yer lad into them? it makes total sense to me.

So anyway it turns out that the person was to turn 18 at the start of next month which leads doon the old kiddie diddling path, oh c'mon if I had found such a person they would have looked like their early 20's to me.

Talk amongst yerselves, does she not look over 18 or what?

What if you had already went through their pockets and found only some coins and a bit of gum in some tin foil ? how the fuck are you supposed to know how old they are ? they should put out public information adverts out on the telly for such instances so I'd blame the government.

My solicitor used the Spock defense, " Spock didn't have any siblings this we all knew for he grew up on the planet vulcan a lonely half breed with only his targ-pig to play with, then how come in Star Trek 5 did Spock suddenly have a brother? because Vulcans mate for life, this doesn't make sense, me talking about this doesn't make sense either so then if none of it makes sense then I ask nay I demand you find Old Knudsen 'Not Guilty' remember not guilty doesn't mean innocent which makes sense so vote now or die !"

Oh he was good, they couldn't find a jury of my peers so underlings had to do and they are so easy to lead, I got off and then I was acquitted, justice was served and now I am suing the family of the dead person if there was a dead person for mental trauma and whiplash.

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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Genocide

Ok your not gonna freaking believe this dude , even I have trouble believing it.

I was at the weapons silo giving out toys to orphans but the taco I had for lunch was really making my stomach bubble so I had to go to the head.

You know what its like in those places the button to flush turds is right beside the button to gas Kurds. There was major gas and turds so it can get a little confusing.

I guess I must of had too much coffee that day and then my cell phone went off, it was my CIA weapons advisor so I had to take it, me and the house were tight back then teaching those Iranians a lesson.
So I flushed my poopy or at least I thought I did well the rest is history. Who hasn't had a day like that?

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The 6 Spots Of Death

You know what I saw in Mongolia? yaks and mongs. No Xanadu, Kubla Khan or even Chakka Khan, Chakka Khan.

I saw a story on the web that was titled '6 spots to see before you die' this panicked me greatly as I had developed several large weeping spots on my penal system.
I pulled doon me gunties and counted, thank fuck there were only 5.
I call that irresponsible writing, scaring an Old man who is in God's waiting room.
I don't get telemarketers making constant phone calls but instead the Grim Reaper " Old Knudsen this is death, I have some important business information for you, please call me back at ************."

Yeah right I will, the Nazis haven't got me, Dog the fucking bounty bar hunter hasn't got me all those weemen with their paternity suits haven't got me and nor will death.

It was a travel site with 6 destinations to go to, well I counted and my maths not being too good since book learnin gave me heart burn I only counted 5, I added the last one to insult you.

Mount Kilimanjaro
Atlantic Ocean
Yer Ma's G-spot

I've been to all 6 of these, yep 'all' 6 and they were crap and I'm still alive so fuck yous, ok the last one did give me the clap and spawned you but hey I'm still standing except right now I'm sitting.
At the end of the world it will be me and Keith Richards feeding off cockroaches and maybe if I'm desperate enough I'll make him feed off my cock for that terrible film appearance in that terrible pirate movie he was in.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

8 Out Of 10 Men Have Tasted Their Own Jizz

I've always thought that dogs and cats were lucky jammy bastards, they sit around and lick their parts all day.
Old Knudsen has a confession to make, sometimes I can go a whole week without having sex with another living being (vegetables are alive) but my Pastor Bobby L Rapture says to be closer to Gog you should not got around with one in the chamber.
A wank and a jar of liver can becum boring after a time and I'm really sick of having liver for me tea 5 nights a week. I have suckceeded in achieving one of my life long dreams.

Men, if you want to suck yer own willy its best to be in shape, I touch my toes everyday, no really I still have the leg I lost to the Great white panda and like to touch the toes.
I watch what I eat, drink and smoke and I do my own stunts.

Its best if you have a really big dick so I found I didn't have to work too hard at giving myself some oral fixation. For beginners you should lie on yer back and pull yer legs forward.

So mum whats for dinner? will dad be there? what are you wearing?

Is sucking yer own cock ghey? is having sex with yer own clone ghey? Is watching straight porn ghey cos yer watching some naked bloke shag a woman?
I think it very well might be just like having a boy boy gurl 3-some but then so is a gurl gurl boy 3-some because weemen can be ghey too so if you like to watch leezers flick beans then yer ghey, for fuck sake 99.9% of the world is ghey, the gheys are right after all when they insist everyone is ghey.

Ghey used to mean happy but no one is happy anymore because of the media generated hate and fear, back in the day before idiot boxes and radios we all lived in ignorance and that was bliss, we didn't worry about what the wogs were doing, genocide wasn't even a word then, no pedos or serial killers to worry about the world was a safer place back then because no one knew.
When I left the Shire to tour with Gandalf and the Wizards the world became a smaller place and now I worry about alsorts of things I am too ill informed, we all are.
One week a cigarette cures yer chesty cough and the next it causes it make up yer minds. Having too clean a hoose leaves you vulnerable to germs and illness, huh?

I have one question before I leave you to go search for animal porn which is not ghey.

Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?

Monday, 21 April 2008

I Hate People Who

Get bitter, and cling to guns or religion .

Shoot the fuckers and let God sort out his own!

Sunday, 20 April 2008

Mute-ish Monday


Poetry is writing that formulates a concentrated imaginative awareness of experience in language chosen and arranged to create a specific emotional response through meaning, sound, and rhythm.

Tough to do mute I would think as posting poetry would be cheating.

So I'm going for something likened to poetry especially in beauty of expression a poetic quality or aspect and that evokes an emotional reponse in me.

And fuck muteness anyway, yous never get me with words and pictures with just pictures you'd be as lost as The Troll's commonsense and reason.

The poetry of modern slogans "Just hate them."

Jessica Biels arse. I'd drink her bath water and use her shite for toothpaste (if I ever brushed my teeth) she walks in beauty like the night so sit on my chest and have a shite.

Love kicks arse, love can bring a dead plant that just looks like a stick back to life. You just can't give up on it for if you do then it wasn't love.

A link to my favourite poeter, the picture makes sense if you click HERE.

The hollow victory when a rapist, murderer or pedo gets brutal justice. I hate their crimes and I hate them for making me hate .

L1A1 or just SLR, served for 30 years but was too powerful for the urban setting so we changed weapons to a wee ghey calibre like the Yanks have. I am fully trained on this weapon as I am others but I like the power and dependability these rifles have.

The power of a storm, the shifting clouds and thunderous tension and the frightening yet fascinating forks of lightning that catches you like a deer in the headlights. I go out in these storms and defy the Gods to smite me.

Erin Gray the reason to watch that Buck Rogers shite. I still get a stiffy when I see lip gloss.

I write poetry too, HERE. I am a well rounded person so fuck off.

The excitement of yer man/woman or team winning. Martin Riggs in Lethel Weapon can smoke 3 packs of ciggies, run 5 miles with 2 bullet holes in him shoot 15 baddies, hand to hand 5 others, get stabbed and still be able to knock 7 shades of shite out of the ultra baddie at the end. I'm exhausted after a crap I don't know how he does it but it gets my heart pounding.

Going to a lonely place without people and cars and just being.

The feeling you get when you hit a vein and get a load of hits in a day.