Monday, 31 March 2008

The Last Post

After 1,161 posts on this blog alone I find I am now burned out. I did the blogging thing for a while and met some great people along the way and some real wankers. I want to concentrate on other things non computery and have been made an offer I cannae refuse . I will not be near a computer very often nor will I have the time anymore but I'm ok about that as well I did it, I infiltrated numerous search machines and have become immortal . I made people half way across the world laugh when they were having bad days and I satisfied the perverting cravings of others.

Goodbye my chums, I call you chums because I'd like nothing better than to chop the lot of you up and feed you to the sharks.

Now you've read this, fuck off.

Sunday, 30 March 2008

Would You Like Lube With That ?

So anyway start of a post dripping with sex appeal and whatever else.
I when into the local Scottish place for some food the other day. I can't say the name of it because like the play with the prince of Denmark , you know the one that Mel Gibson made a film of in which he went mad and killed some Jews for starting all the wars or something like that. So anyway its bad luck to say the name and also The Scottish place might sue me.

There were the usual suspects, some bint was in the corner writing a book about boy wizards who think its magic to use their wands, the big boned ladies above and their rubber like children below throwing food and yelling a lot, yer deluded people that cum in for salads not realising that even the salads are deep fried and sprayed with a layer of tasty trans-fats.

I waited in line which I hate cos I didn't fight the Russians at Stalingrad to end up standing in line like the fuckers, those Russians queue for everything, bread, vodka, interrogation everything.

When it was my turn the worker who never smiled once and just grunted passed me a note saying, "please help me, get me out of here" never mind that crap I threatened the cunt straight out, "my fries had better be hot and fresh just like me and my order had better be right or I'm gonna shove my large fry up yer apple pie ala mode." I had no idea what I was saying the 10 or so painkillers were starting to kick in and I was feeling good but angry.

What does Old Knudsen eat at the Scottish place you may ask? no? well I'll tell ya, a quarter pounder value meal with no cheese and extra pickle and BBQ sass with me chips er sorry fries. I always go back up to the counter and say I never got my BBQ sass for my nuggets so I don't have to pay for them.

Old Knudsen has no fear, however I am a scared of Lemurs, bush babies, feminists, dickheads with authority, those fish called betas, getting caught by the fuzzies and clowns. How was I to know Ronald fucking McDonald was going to be there? do I read the big signs posted outside?

He came in and posed with the workers, oh look I just splashed you in the face with hot grease how funny. He posed with some of the customers for pictures and I was getting more worried because he was getting closer to me.

Being a man of action I took my tray to the toilets and ate in one of the stalls shaking from the sight of his clownness. I was able to eat and shit at the same time it was just like sitting on my commode at home .

I finished my food and left the tray in there as its their job to clean up not mine. I exited the stall only to see Ronald standing at the sinks waiting for me, at that moment I realised that not all of my shit had cum out.
I stood there frozen like a homeless person in the headlights with head lice and he spoke, "They all float doon here."

I didn't know what he meant but as I wasn't going to wash my hands anyway so I walked out.

I felt a tightness in my chest, my left arm was tingling and I had the taste of copper (and pickles) in my mouth.

I called out to the staff, "is there a doctor in the restaurant?" 5 of them raised their hands and 3 teenagers said huh? it turns out they weren't medical doctors just PHDs so I got into it about what total pretentious pricks they were calling themselves doctors and how I was two hamburgers short in my order but had lost the receipt and I'll be on my way as soon as I get them (with extra pickle of course) I had a belch and a lumpy fart and no longer felt unwell and got my burgers and went before creepy the clown showed up again. I was definitely not loving it.

So Wet And Pink

Friday and Saturday nights at the Ohhmm well being clinic manning the suicide chat/hot line can get a bit difficult.
Without giving too much client confidentiality away I had this lass named Barbara from Invergarry call me up to tell me she was considering ending it all.
I asked her why in my pretend to be interested voice and so the silly cow told me.
She is an over weight plain looking woman who suffers from depression and is addicted to cold medicine. She has 3 teenage children who do what they want and disrespect her all the time. The only highlight in her day is watching Eastenders. Her husband works a lot of overtime and she knows he is having numerous affairs, she is lonely and desperate and hates herself, people dismiss her because shes not got anything interesting to say and so had a load of pill bottles in front of her and a bottle of vodka to wash them doon with.

I am well trained to deal with this type of situation but this time I was drawing a blank so I said well good luck to her and I hope things get better soon.
I actually had the telly on but I was sensitive enough to have the sound turned doon. The film 'Cobra' was on with Sly Stalone and the action was getting started so she called at a bad time, hardly my fault.

The goth boy who thought he might be ghey I gave him great advice,smile more and wear sunny colours, get a hair cut and join the navy ya fucking poof. Whats long black and full of semen? a submarine and they always go doon. You'd have to be ghey to wear those uniforms.

I never get repeat phone calls, nor do I read the news paper after my stints on the hot line, too depressing.

Well that's my part time job as you older readers should remember, my main job is as a life coach.
Even famous people need help now and again, I helped Charles Manson get over his low esteem in the 70's before he became famous.
In 1980 I was on the cusp of getting John Lennon out of that dopey hippy phase , make war not love was going to be his next LP, a more metal sound to it.
John Denver had a fear of flying but me and my mate Steve Fossett convinced him that statistically speaking they are safer than cars. Two birds with one stone.
I got Kurt Cobain over his fear of guns as its people that kill people not guns.
Christopher Reeve was worried about being too tall to horse jump, I said wise up yer only as tall as you let yerself be, yer Superman for fucks sake what could possibly happen?.
I convinced Steve Irwin to branch out from crocodiles, diversify I said to him, get out of yer comfort zone and take a risk.
Its not my fault they fuck up I told River Phoenix to try heroin not get hooked on the stuff, silly bugger.

The fella in the picture above is the famous guru Wang Chung from the eastern star promise of a better way temple. Even wise men need a star to follow. Now that was fucking class, did you hear that? star to follow, I just pull this incredible stuff out of me arse like when a dog swallows a deflated balloon and half of it hangs out of its hole so you pull on it, funny as fuck when it snaps out.

Chung thought the path to enlightenment was to deny all the pleasures in life and sit in the lotus position and eat a bowl of rice a day.
I said to him, do ya think Buddha ate a bowl of rice a day? look at that fat fucker, hes morbidly obese hes like one of them Americans they have to cut the wall off his hoose and have a crane lift him to the Dr Phil show.

You know what they say about fat people right? always so fucking jolly, skinny people are always going around cold and miserable eating a stick of celery for lunch then boaking it up not realising that it doesn't matter cos they are boring as fuck and ugly, plus their breath stinks of vomit and the enamel on their teeth has all been eaten away.

Chung looked at me as if I had just told him the meaning of life, Billy Graham eats corn on the cob and fried chicken and that cunt is 89, live a little man.

Chung's temple gets a lot of donations so in thanks for my help he took me out on the town for a Curry and a piss up, that wee gook can sure put the Southern comfort away.

He kept going on about the Dalai Lama and what a cunt he is stirring up trouble against the Chinese, oh no you don't see him being a martyr . Anyway Chung became my best fucking mate and we ended up having a three way with Patricia the stripper, ah good times.

The only blight on the night was the fight we had when I caught him looking at me cock, none of that oriental gheyness now, they don't all know kung-fu you know, after I kicked his arse I felt like doing it again an hour later.

Friday, 28 March 2008

If The Cap Fits

Honourary Bitter Balls George Clooney finally came out of the closet to tell the world of his love for me, Old Knudsen. Its an honest pure kind of love so I don't want to hear about yer jealously.
He wore the cap impregnated with my DNA and spoke of how he loves to pop the pimples on my back but won't lance the boils. About the time at his home on lake Perry Como in Italy when we giggled on expensive wine and talked of many things and fell asleep spooning together under the stars.

Its not ghey so stow that talk its man love and can only make the world a better place, now if he would only give me a poke at his weemen friends that might be nice. Before you cunts go asking inappropriate things and condemning his brave move I'm a taker not a giver and hes hung like a soft bristled toothbrush.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Hillary Gives Obama Head

I was reading this on-line article asking if Obama was any good at basketball.
I've seen Soul Man and I know that you pick the black guy for yer team because basketball is the national game of many African cuntries or something.
Why haven't they asked how big his dick is? or if he has natural rhythm or likes BBQ chicken?

Has Hillary been asked about the whites and coloureds? how to bake a cake or fake an orgasm? you know the typical woman things.

Has the next president John McCain been asked if he has an ass or not or about his golf swing ? (though they let anyone play golf these days)
Whitey can't jump get out of the way of the B.O. Gangsta

Does it really matter? all the presidents have their thing, crap actor, CIA director, fake cowboy born in a log cabin, saxophone player.

Now we have the three main players, a fly boy who was tortured, a black-ish bloke with a name similar to pubic enemy # 1 and a woman who was married to a dirt bag president and now feels the need to lie about coming under sniper fire in Bosnia.

Does it matter? they will end up being a prick anyway and abusing their power. Name me one president in the last 28 years who wasn't and didn't.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

A Stench Trench Make Over

If I was vain maybe I'd have some work done on myself but could man possibly improve upon perfection? The older we get weemen look old, saggy and ugly but we men look dignified, yes with our hairy ears, noses and nipples, balding heads and pot bellies not to mention our sagging ball sacks we do look dignified.

That shows you that God hates weemen, probably because of the whole don't eat the apple thing, he can certainly hold a grudge can God which is why even after 5000 years since the creation of the world weemen still get pain from child birth. It proves that God is Scottish cos who else could hold a grudge for that long?

Not the Bishop of Leeds Arthur Roche and his army of pedo priests or I would of had more legal letters by now.

This post isn't aimed at anyone in particular nope no one at all cos how would I know?

Has anyone ever dumped a woman because she had an old looking vadge? has a man ripped off a hotties panties after managing to trick her back to his place and saw her twat reminds him of his mother's and then lost his erection? I really doubt this.
Considering the things a man will stick his dick into I don't think a bit of mince meat around the edges is going to stop him.

Weemen will always find a man who will shag her, if they weren't so fucking picky they wouldn't be so lonely.

Woops sorry was that yer cunt I just fried? smells like kippers.

Laser Reduction Labioplasty can sculpture the elongated or unequal labial minora (small inner lips) according to ones specification. Most women tell us that they do not want the small inner lips to project beyond the large outer lips. Many women bring us Playboy and say that they want to look like this. With laser reduction labioplasty, we can accomplish the desires of the woman. Our labioplasty techniques can also reconstruct conditions that are due to the aging process, childbirth trauma, or injury.

Do weemen get twat surgery once they've done the nose, jowls, eyelids and breasts etc then think, "what else can I do? oh look at my beef curtains what a sight, I want them to look like Angelina Jolie."

Laser Perineoplasty can rejuvenate the relaxed or aging perineum. It can also enhance the sagging labia majora (large outer lips) and labia minora. Overall, the procedure can provide a youthful and aesthetically appealing vulva.

Oh look my perineum (barse) has wrinkles the Oil of Olay isn't working and big lips are so 3 years ago.

Augmentation Labioplasty can provide aesthetically enhanced and youthful labia majora by autologous fat transplant (removal of the patients fat via liposculpturing and transplanting it into the labia majora). Vulvar Lipoplasty can remove unwanted fat of the mons pubis and upper parts of the labia majora. Liposculpturing can alleviate the unsightly fatty bulges of this area and produce an aesthetically pleasing contour.

Good news for Manuel as he is definitely a fat cunt.

Hymenoplasty (reconstruction of the hymen) can repair the hymen as if nothing ever occurred. The Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute® is sensitive to the needs of women from all cultures that embrace these particular issues because of cultural, social, or religious reasons.

Who wants to buy a bottle of milk with the seal broken? even Madonna can be like a virgin.

Combination of DLV® with LVR LVR® and DLV® can be performed in combination. They can also be performed with most cosmetic surgical procedures; the most popular of these are Liposculpturing, breast implants, breast reduction, tummy tuck, nose surgery, and eyelid surgery.

I don't know what these letters are, I know HDTV and DVD but Blueray is taking over so maybe I'll wait for that to get cheaper before I have my breasts implants. Go get yer G-shot, you know you want to.

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The Best Post Ever

My contempt for the reader is being displayed today by not writing a proper post. I'm old and tired and my arse is dragging like an old dead dog tied to the back of a car for a prank.

It was 16 years ago this day that I tasted pure heaven, no not the fanny batter of Sophia Loren that honour is still to cum. I tasted the McRib from McDonald's.

A lump of pork-like processed meat shaped like a spare rib, covered in a tangy BBQ sass with onions and pickles in a soft long bun. Sounds nice doesn't it?

When it first came out they marinated it in 8 hour old BBQ sass so back then it gave you the shits and heart burn, now they just squirt the sass on so it just gives you heart burn.
Its still lovely but the cunts at McD's tease and tempt you with it and make ghey salads a part of their menu instead of the Ribs.

I hope this post sways Ronald to stop acting the clown and do the right thing, reinstate the McRib as a regular item.

So anyway do Australians do a lot of drugs? I recently heard of a guy who called the police because someone stole his pot plants.
Nothing to do with the McRib except for being highly addictive.

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Tuesday, 25 March 2008


The navy makes Gheys look queer.

I don't care what you think about actor Ryan Phillippe, its not yer opinion that matters here remember but I think hes a cunt I just get that impression everytime I see him.

That's not important his latest film is. He plays Sgt Brandon King in the film Stop-loss. Now I haven't seen it but its shite, I mean I don't have to shag fat Brenda to know she will give me the clap.

He is a soldier in Iraq but the film is not a war film. He does his tour of duty and is sent home, then he finds that the government it sending him back going by the Stop-loss policy that's a wee US military requirement for soldiers to remain in service beyond their normal discharge date. The UK has that too, if they need you within 5 years they can bring you back in.

The King character is a whiny shite because he thinks he did his part and should be let off, what does he call it 'back door drafting' I believe.

Maybe he should have read the terms and conditions. The film was directed by a woman, now nothing against weemen as they have their place in the world otherwise clothes would never get cleaned and dishes never washed cos we men are just sooooo bad at that HA! I'm sure this woman Kimberly Peirce who did 'Boys don't cry' and directed one episode of The 'L' word is well versed in the military mindset or at least the modern day American military mindset.

Yeah yeah they are doing a great job etc etc when they aren't getting their arses kicked by ragheads raping and shooting 14 year-old gurls and her family , killing Canadians and making human pyramids, mistakes happen in war, in the American case it happens more than most but hey if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be free or is that just the xenophobic fear that's been drummed into us talking?

This film is looking at things from a civilian point of view, being British and ex-military I don't think I have a god given right to be treated special, I took the oath to the Queen and that doesn't end upon discharge its a fucking oath, not a vow as in marriage that's different and quite disposable.

When you enlist you sign away yer rights and the government own yer arse so quit whining Sgt BK and go and do yer job and finish it this time.

I thought Nam vets whined like little gurls but now people think its a right to play their X-box .

The soldiers of WWII got on with the job and beat the enemy as they didn't have much choice, their bases didn't have Pizza huts and laundrettes provided by Haliburton , they ate spam for breakfast spam for lunch and if they were lucky spam for dinner and did they complain? fuck yes but it was better than nothing.

When Meril's marauders out in Burma or the forgotten war as it was called got dysentery they cut the arses out of their trousers and continued on, that's when Americans had some moxie and not just big mouths.

Bring back media censorship for war time as Churchill and FDR had and stop trying to undermine the war effort just because you don't believe in it.

The Islam extremists like any other terrorist needs double tapped because that's in the Bible....................... somewhere at the back.

On a side note, is everyone named Ryan a cunt?

Monday, 24 March 2008

Don't Tell Anyone But I'm A Secret International Playboy Spy

Yes I do use the same pictures and yes my gun can shoot round corners.

The name is Knudsen....................... Soren Knudsen, its not like the films usually I get a "and?" afterwards. I became a member of her majesties secret service during the late 50's.

A little known part of the job description was to service her majesty in secret. I didn't mind this as the Queen is so fucking hot, she still is today, just thinking about her gives me a diamond cutter.

I'm a jack of all trades, spy, manhoor, special farces and window cleaner. Whatever my cuntry needed I was there. To get a double 'O' licence to kill rating you need to be able to rub yer belly and pat yer head at the same time, oh and kill two people, anyone will do.

Its a little more complicated these days, in the 80's you had to kill the people and be able to program a VCR then it went even more high tech and you had to build a bookcase from IKEA and the cunts always had one part missing, killing the people was the easy part.

I got my licence early on in the game so I was ok, my secret number was double 'o' elevenityseven. Killing people was easy, especially if they were foreigners like Slavs or Greeks. The problem I had was seducing the weemen and pumping them for information.

Everyone knows if you wear a tux and claim to be a spy weemen get damp in 0-20 seconds. They just wanted to brag about having shagged Knudsen........ Soren Knudsen but I kept falling in love being a sweet and sensitive soul, especially if they give me a rimjob and lick my barse then for me its love.
Being in love with a woman always meant that they would get killed and I'd have yet another chip on my shoulder. I also never team up with a cute dog, or a chubby partner who is likeable and has a family as they always end up dying.

One time a gurl I loved with a talented tongue was killed by being covered in gold, I was heart broken especially as there was no such thing as E-bay back then. Do you know how hard it is to sell a hot dead woman covered in gold? not too hard actually.

I always had gadgets that would save me during that particular mission but I hated them. You try to find the cigarette lighter on yer 1964 Aston Martin and end up ejecting yer shopping and firing missiles into a school, bloody annoying when yer gagging for a smoke.

Those watches with the magnets and garrotes never tell the right time but its good for when you have to cut the cheese so to speak or if you drop a load of drawing pins (thumb tacks to you dumb yanks)

Being a spy isn't all glamorous, shagging hot weemen, killing bad guys and making humourous quips to yer Greek chorus, oh no theres a lot of smoking and drinking involved and yer life is in constant danger as yer wife may find out what yer up to.

I can trust you lot so here are some of the code-named operations I've been on, if you do read these and get killed well don't blame me, classified is for the weak.


Dr Occasionally, Brownfinger in which I killed Baron Dirty Sanchez, From Killamory with clap, Bitterball, You only cum twice well I was on a schedule, Herpes are forever, The Man with the limp brown cock, The spy who gave me VD, Lotsofpussy, Muckraker, For yer brown eye only(catholic you see), Goldenshower, Lay another ghey, Chicken Royale and Quantum of a Solace. Excuse the last one for sounding a bit rude.

I just want you all to know that while I have a licence to kill which I just recently got re-newed doon at the town hall the world is safe, except on weekends and bank holidays.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Happy Easter 2008

Happy Easter Sunday , enjoy yer chocolate eggs and bunnies because that's what Easter is all about.
Where do we get the name Easter from you may ask? Well Eostre or Eastre was the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Otherwise known as Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostur, Eastra, Eastur, Austron and Ausos. Dirty pagan stuff in other words. Why all the different names I wonder, credit card fraud probably.

It was a 6 day religious celebration at or following the Spring Equinox. All about fornicating and the earth cumming back to life and the general horniness and rebirth of the land I know I'm gagging for it.

Fucking like bunnies isn't just an expression and the egg is a symbol of rebirth. That's why it isn't chocolate Dodos and turds. The chocolate part is just to make money duh!

I think hes cumming back to life.

To wipe out er I mean phase out the stinking pagan heathens who are the people of Satan and filthy sodomites the lot of them we Christians tag on our own celebrations using their names and symbols to ease them into the conversion.

Kill their Druids and then without any religious leaders we win their hearts ands minds and before you know it they are blindly buying peeps and buying gifts at Christmas because that's what you do.

Rejoice for he has risen!

The whole jesus thing of sacrifice and rebirth is older and Christianity but its a nice story unless you look at it from a parents point of view and then its God who raped a young gurl and left his son to be tortured and killed to make a point isn't so cool.

Catholism, a religion of love has a symbol of torture to worship, thats a little bit creepy, no wonder Catholicism attracts so many pedos, just odd.

Forgive me father for I have, well never you mind what I've been up to.

Friday, 21 March 2008

Bananas About Gorillas

I'm breaking my 'All gorillas should be hunted doon, killed and have their hands made into ashtrays' stance to ask, "Is gorilla love the most honest kind of love?"

Relaxing and looking smug after a hard day of gorilla sex, they have the smallest penis' amongst the primates you know and you all thought that was traffic police.

Ever see the film 'Boat Trip?' its a bit crap but Roselyn Sanchez here is a good reason to watch it. All weemen should watch it for BJ tips, you never see her using her teeth on that lucky banana.

The Deli Llama Says

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Things To Cum

At times like this I wish I had been born a grizzly.

I've heard a lot of UFO sightings over the last year and into this year. Also I've heard of alligators killer fish , snakes and Jellyfish that turn up in places where they shouldn't be. The world has gone crazy well not the world itself though I have heard it being described as a living orgasm or some such nonsense.

I have also heard a lot of beast stories, no not MJ with an untrimmed vadge arena I'm talking about mysterious large cats that are seen in moors of England or Ireland.

"They ripped my dogs apart" or " It tore up 3 of my woolly vaginas er I mean sheep."

It occurs to me that large cats such as Cougars, Lions, Bob the cat and Tigers etc will attack large animals including humans.

The wonderful thing about Tigger is the bloody carnage. Bounce on this bitch.

Now look at yer wee pet pussy cat as it sits on the window sill with its leg in the air licking at its parts (the lucky fucker, not that I want to lick a cats parts) and think the only thing that's keeping it from ripping out yer throat is its size.

He-Man and his battle cat.

He-Man rode about on one but really a large cat will say, "tasty fresh human or a can of Felix, tuna and horse?" If some evil master mind came up with a cat enlarging pill we'd be doomed, they have penis enlarging pills cos I have a friend who got them once or what about those bonsai kitties? if you put a kitten into a penis enlarger surely it would also enlarge it, I have a friend who used one of those once and maybe still does.

A bit like the one my friend has.

Bonsai Kittens 'LOL' that!

I don't want to spread panic, I wouldn't mind spreading a few of my intimate rashes though .

I have to agree with the Catholic church on this one. During the Inquisition they put a reward on cats because they are in league with the Devil and witches etc and have been known to spy for Lemurs.

The only way a cat should explode is in a microwave.

I'm not suggesting you kill yer pet cats, well ok maybe I am but its for yer own good and besides did you see the directors cut of the Al gore film "An inconsistent truth?" well he says cats give off harmful green hoose gases that leads to Global warming and he also says "The Secret" is an excellent life changing book and the Da Vinci Code was nothing like The Holy Blood And The Holy Grail so if you don't believe me believe him.

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Wednesday, 19 March 2008

I Had A Post But Then I Posted This Shite Instead

Dumb but purdy and with those big fake pregnant breasts now.

Halle Berry had her sprog and named her Nahla Ariel Aubry. Nahla is Arabic word for 'drink of water' 'Ariel' comes from Hebrew and means 'lion for God' ok people we know that most celebs aren't that bright and barely finish school but there should be a law against stupid names like this, here are some others.

Indiana, London, Kenya ,Lyric, Atticus, Ireland, Kal-El, Sailor, Aquinnah, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Moxie Crimefighter, Shiloh Nouvel, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf, Daisy Boo, True Isabella Summer, Princess Tiaamii and don't forget Apple and Suri.

Famous people do a lot of drugs don't they?

The writer Terry Pratchett who has discovered he has Alzheimer's said: 'I would rather die of cancer than have my living self stripped away a bit at a time.'

What a whiney fuck fuck, I wish I had his problems, he says about how he takes a minute to find the letter 'A' on his keyboard or forgets how to spell the word 'else' welcome to my world dickhead the only difference being is that yer a rich cunt so gurn up.

JK Rowling has given hundreds of thousands to Alzheimer's research and she doesn't have it but tight wad Pratchett gets it and pledges a measly million towards Alzheimer's .............. if he remembers.

Wake up and smell yer ego baldy do some good with yer money before you go and don't forget to put me into yer will.

Not forgetting yer not dead yet and yer still rich, Alzheimer's people have a life span of about 10 years and yer 60 now, do ya want to live forever of something?


Speaking of which, isn't it great when they die in threes so you don't have to argue who the second or third is?

Welcome to pedo island me hearties, pull my fish finger.

Director of crap chick flicks Anthony Minghella, Sci-fi writer and egg-head Sir Arthur C Clarke and John Hewer aka Captain Birds Eye (A British icon) are deader than my blogs on a Saturday.
Alien verses predator

Heather Mills will get a £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, poor Macca first Michael Jackson buys up a ton of Beatles songs as an investment and now stumpy has taken two weeks wages out of yer pocket its enough to make you want to club a seal cub to death isn't it Macca ? well at least you don't have Alzheimer's .

Hillary is going out of her way to prove she isn't a leezer, looks a bit forced to me.

No way does she look like a leezer. Can you see her being president and making the right choices when she thought those trousers , sandals and marrying Bill were the right choices?

Monday, 17 March 2008

Iraq War 5 Years On, Happy Birthday!

The Ballad of the Flat Caps

Fighting soldiers who like pie
Fearless men who say fuck aye
Men who mean just what they say
The brave men are a little ghey

Warts and moles over their chest
These are men, the UK's best
One hundred men will test today
But only three will be arsed to stay

Trained to live off nature's land
Trained in combat, balls-to-hand
Men who fight by night and day
An hour for lunch tea breaks with pay

Back at home a young wife waits
Her Flat cap man has met his fate
He has died killing those oppressed
Leaving her his last request

Put my flat cap on my son's head
Why should I be the only one dead?
Hes not mine hes from the fling you had
Have him die like I killed his dad.

I always have to wipe a tear from me eye after hearing that song, well to be honest my sphincter muscles haven't been the same since I was taken by the Arabs during the first Gulf war or the Crusades as we called it my brown eye is prone to shed the odd tear.

Somewhere in the fog of war
A transmitter crackles to life.

Broadsword this is Danny boy, Broadsword this is Danny boy come in over:

Danny boy this is Broadsword whats with the funny names? Private Knudsen reporting over:

Leave your privates alone Knudsen I've told you before about radio secrecy incase the enemy is listening over:

Ah Major Heady Trauma what about ye? over:

Get me Major Crime you idiot over:

Major Crime, Captain Chaos, Sgt's Rock and York all dead over:
Corporal Punishment? over:

Beating himself up over the deaths hes lost it over:

Then its up to you Knudsen I need you to take Fort Dick over:

'Radio static' repeat over:

Take Dick Knudsen I want you to take Dick over:

We all took Dick an hour ago Dick was very hard to take over:

But you took Dick and that's the main thing, I knew you had it in you Knudsen, from now on you are my right hand man in charge of Dick you must hold it at all costs do you understand? over:

I must hold Dick no matter what cums at me over:

Good man Knudsen I'll give you a field commission to captain now what about Fort Dick any chance of capturing it? over:

No idea sir I've been in the barracks taking cock all day, gotta go Ryans privates are about to do the money shot over and out.........................

Mute Monday - Mother Nature

Fuck me people happy new year! here is my take on Mother nature - perfection. Happy St mute fucking Monday.

Kelly Monaco with her 'I want you Old Knudsen' expression. The lovely Skinny dying Darren wearing the piss stained prize that is more coveted than the Ark of the covenant as seen in Raiders of the lost cap. I may make a reality show called, 'what are you prepared to do for Old Knudsen's cap?'

People, caps , atomic bombs, culling seals, extinction and Global warming are all a part of nature, if you go against any of these then you go against nature herself.

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Sunday, 16 March 2008

Stuck In The Whirlypits

No this is not an animated picture, if you see it move then A) you drank too much last night B) Its time to stop drinking now and C) you are doomed to burn in the fires of Hell unless you send me money and naked pictures of yerself.

I am pure of heart and do not see it move. Yeah Happy St Cunt day. He could of at least turned those happy idiot Irish pagans into Protestants. He killed off the Druids and made casual sex for fun a bad thing, just because he couldn't get any no wonder you celebrate the day he died on.

St Patrick was a fuck wit as are the rest of the Catholic clergy including the Bishop of Leeds above. Celibate men advising weemen on birth control, if you use it you go to Hell, if you have an abortion you go to Hell, if you have sex out of wedlock including rape you'll go to Hell, if you get divorced you'll go to Hell. If you kill yer wife of molest children then its 10 seig heils
and wear yer rosary for an hour.

Go drink and pretend yer Irish for a while, that includes shagging a sibling, licking windows and leaving threatening comments below.

Old Knudsen Salutes The Black Irish

I also salute the Black 'n' Tans............

Good-Bye Big Ian Hello Drink

Everyone knows that gods representative on earth The most reverend and lovely Ian (alien) Paisley is retiring as Northern Ireland's First minister.
As well as running the Northern Ireland government with terrorists (Sinn Fein) he has also suggested that St Patrick's day should be made a public holiday in Northern Ireland.
The Free Presbyterian minister preaches about St Patrick every St Paddy's day just before he eats his traditional corned beef and cabbage along with potatoes which we all know is the stable diet of Bog trotters all over Ireland, some very Irish families (the types who win Irish blog awards and speak gheylick) eat it three times a day along with a pint of Guinness.
After Paisley's sermon he takes a shit on a picture of the Pope, gets drunk and does silly things.

Before I was barred from The Free Presbyterian church I heard one of Big Ian's sermons about St Patrick.
Ian's Sermon:

St Patrick lived in Roman Britain and at the age of sixteen was captured by Irish terrorists who I DENOUNCE AS FILTHY SODOMITES! and taken as a sex slave to Ireland.

He was forced to farm pigs up a hill before he escaped and traveled 200 miles to a port back to the mainland. I'm not saying these are SHAMEFUL FENIAN LIES! because most ports would be 50 miles east or west, maybe he went the long way SODOMISING CHILDREN! as he went.

Patrick returned to Ireland and began converting the terrorist pagans with his PAPAL LIES AND DECEITS AS GUIDED BY THE ANTICHRIST IN ROME! thus creating the sinful Catholic faith in Ireland.

Today it is our duty to forget the evil as perpetrated by those FILTHY IRISH SODOMITES! who disrespect the Queen by their very existence and move on as taught by our lord Jesus Christ even if they play their diddly eye music and line dance WITH ITS SEXUAL GESTURES AND TOUCHING AND ITS INCITEMENT TO LUST! because we Protestants are better than that and have love and compassion and are able to accept all the lords lesser creatures.

So today let them have their day and even share in it but remember that we won the war and ULSTER STILL SAYS NO! and if Ulster ever joins with the Republic of Ireland and accepts their Celtic tiger and poor health system and 3rd world values it WON'T BE IN MY LIFETIME! Now lets lift our voices in praise of the Lord and turn to page 32 in your booklets and sing 'love divine so great and wonderous .'

Saturday, 15 March 2008

They Make Me Do It

Here is Eva Longoria enjoying a corndog or something. Why do they do it? I'm weak and have photoshop. By eating or even holding penis shaped objects to yer mouth you are enabling me to be sick.
Just ask Michelle Obama whom I actually like, besides being a lawyer she will speak honestly and will put her foot into her mouth by saying how Barack farts in bed or something. Here she is trying to get the white vote.

Then there are things like this. I just don't understand yer American sports, when a footballer (soccer to mongs) scores a goal he'll get a hug and a French kiss but the Yanks they disgust me, not that there is everything wrong with having yer shit pushed, unless yer Catholic of course.

Thursday, 13 March 2008

Get It Right People

Looks a bit like an Arab to me.
This would be Old Knudson. Many many people mis-spell my name as Knudson. The Knudsons are a despicable bunch of people. Foul mouthed cunts who put kittens into sacks and dump them in rivers just to get a blog post.
Old Knudson thinks hes a big man because he had a three way with Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones while I have only shagged Zeta years back during her 'Darling buds of May' days.
Knudson always wants to get one over on me and every time some one spells my name like his he grows in power. Its said he was a large jar full of the souls of the innocent on his mantle piece and torments them with daytime TV and playing loud Jazz music ................. Hitler liked Jazz.

Old Knudson is intolerant towards everyone, it makes me sick and hes a mean and bitter old man who lives in some fantasy world.
Some say he lost his mind in Nam. The sweatshop he was opening up a few years back failed cos children are lazy fuckers. I don't see who would want to buy the sweat of young children that's crazy talk.


I like a woman with something to hold onto, like a hand-rail or something.

The worse thing about Old Knudson is that he is Catholic, never trust a fella without a foreskin that's what I say.

He probably touted on me to the Bishop of Leeds for saying his priests were pedos, I'm not going to put up links to that dirty affair lets just say in an un-bitter way the good forces of Protestantism triumphed over the evil Catholic empire ruled by Osama Ben Edict as we did at the battle of the Boyne in 1690, a battle I could not attend due to a funeral.

That's enough about him. I've noticed as usual that I tend to get slagged off in posts and in comments all over the Blogosphere, that sort of thing happens to celebrities.

As I am a vile and base brabbler I hate to miss any of these jibes so I need volunteers for the Knudsen suicide squad, the pay and benefits are great on completion of yer first mission. Also I need volunteers for touts, tell tales, rats, squealers, supergrass' or informers to tell me when my name is used in vain.

Of course MJ and Anonymous Boxer (look the lazy bastard didn't even do links) are on my watch list as they are main offenders, as are the commenters on psychicgeek's blog. However if they turn against each other or maybe kiss or something they shall be highly rewarded with my cap when I die.

Trying out new looks to attract the young crowd.