Thursday, 31 January 2008

I Want To See My Lucky Charms Bouncing On Yer Chin

I don't talk about my Irish roots much but its Irish blog awards time again and it seems I'm longlisted for 3 awards. I come from the kingdom of Dalraida in the north which was formed by the true Irish, not the dirty protest, bog trotting type of today.
When the Milesians invaded from Gaul the real Irish (Tuatha De Danann) effected by falling property prices with all the dirty foreigners moving in went over to Scotland to fight and fuck the Picts who were quite hot.
I laugh when people go on about being Irish, yer just a pale imitation my shite comes out green for fucks sake, my piss has blood in it but that's another story.

I drink to excess every day whether I want to or not and a plate of potatoes arouses me sexually and my arse is so white it glows.

I wish the other so-called Irish bloggers with their weak blogs good luck and I wish myself just a wee bit extra good luck.

Old Bitter Balls has been longlisted for Best Blog .............. of course it is but as usual genius doesn't get recognised until long after death.

OBB News frank fearless free, is also up for Best Blog ............. I wouldn't say its the best just better than the rest.

'Al Qaeda fights ratings war' on OBB News for Best Blog post .............. I've done better, no one threatened legal action on this one.

Good luck to all involved including, Ellie, Manuel, Bock, Swearing Lady, Primal Sneeze, Medbh, Annie Rhiannon, Fatmammycat and Twenty(win all the awards)Major. I didn't put links in my post to you all in case it helped yer cause.

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We Want Yer Ring Frodo

Hey I believe my own eyes and if the bish goes about in nothing but Jesus sandals and a twat hat then fair play I found this picture on the Interweb so don't blame me.

Yes the Diocese of leeds has made it into my Gallery of Wankers on my sidebar. Check it out Bishop Arthur Roche, thats how I roll you blog Nazi and yes I have seen yer people search my blog for the story but I changed the key words, just search Catholic Priests and you'll get it, not too bright huh?

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Eat My Meat

I don't like PETA mostly because they are lying shites that adopt animals then kill most of them while preaching to others about animal cruelty. Then you get the people throwing red paint, well they had better be arrested for assault because I refuse to be told by some hippies that I can't wear my mink coat, away and fuck this is nature and evolution at work ya cunts.

Humans are nature and if they kill the whales for tasty research or club those vicious seal cubs for their lovely fur then that's natural.

I refuse to turn vegetarian, first of all I like the taste of animal flesh not vegetables and my eyes are in the front of my skull which means I'm a hunter, I'm no going to chase doon a radish I'm gonna chase doon a succulent bunny wabbit and make a stew and if they are lucky some veggies may be invited to cook along side it.

Why don't scientists create vegetables that taste like a steak? If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't of made them so finger licking good and easy to catch.

A vegetarian is one step away from being a vegan which is close to joining a cult. The religion of food. Special menu? bring a packed lunch ya skinny dying picky fucker, turn yer nose up at curry and yer dead to me.

Pamela Anderson needs to put her clothes on cos I'm sick of looking at her and besides I heard she was partial to some meat and a bit of animal protein.

If it wasn't for animal testing you wouldn't have make up in the first place so just be grateful of the animals who sacrifice themselves for our benefit you dopey slapper.

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You've Been Boxed

You no longer have to watch out cos British TV presenter Jeremy Beadle is no longer about, he died of pneumonia aged 59. He may have raised millions for charity but he annoyed the tits of me, my only regret is that I never got a chance to fight him.

Rudy Loves John (TLND)

I just wanted to say that even though the bitterness of losing makes my left arm go numb I love and respect you, you're a national hero and a man of great integrity. I love the way you make me feel, your smile your soft but strong hands you'll make a great leader for our country.

No Rudy you are the national hero and its that twinkle in your eyes that I love, it great being friends with you. I have to go and win the presidency but you'll always be my slap headed bitch now hang up.

Rudy: no you hang up first.
John: no you hang up.

I'd Like To Thank The Small People

Being a blogger is an honour no a privilege. I write my stories and an average of 161 people a day cum round to read them. Maybe you clicked next blog maybe you were looking for 'midget swallowing horse cum' or maybe you used to read me got bored and came round to check me out before you deleted my link , whatever the reason I thank you.

If 'YOU' didn't read me then what is the point to blogging? its not like I do this for me now is it?

It makes me feel special when visitors comment, spam or send me legal letters because you went to all that trouble just for me and my craft.

The other day I was about to quit blogging for good, my current gurlfriend had just ended our 3 hour relationship via the bathroom window I thought I had nailed shut and I just found out that my dog has a venereal disease, one of the nasty ones, trust me I've just got rid of mine.

I was sitting here all alone when I got a comment from a new person, it went:

" LOL , love your blog its soooo funny it made coke come out of my nose, BTW are you really an old man?"

It was from an American which is odd as I thought they were all on crack, coke is so 1980's and as for the old man question I get used to that, fucking rude cunts, a man of mature qualities if you don't mind.

Old Knudsen in happier days last week when his niece and her friend came to visit, lovely gurls.

I looked at their profile and they had just started their blog recently and then I looked at their blog and all the mistakes common to a rookie and not something I'd wipe me arse with, the only good blog is a Knudsen blog which is why you either want to do me or want to blog like me ya filthy dirty shites.

I saw in that shitty wee blog with its post about bagels hope and promise only to be found in a child's eye and I should know cos I have a bag full of them.
I read the post cursing Americans and their ways, as bad as the Chinese . Imagine shops that cook and serve bagels I mean those are cute doggies why don't people eat pugs?

So anyway I remembered the first joy I had when I started to blog then I went over to MJ's and tugged the lad over Manuel's arse picture.

When I see people in the street I can tell if they are bloggers or not, the miserable old fat woman holding up the line at the post office obviously has a lot to say and is without a doubt a blogger, the happy young couple don't blog as they are too busy fucking each other's brains out, give them 10 years a few babies and middle age spread and they'll be blogging.

This lass isn't a blogger..

With the exception of at least 19 people my blogging experiences have been great and I am constantly amazed and laugh my arse off at other blogs, of course they are all my other blogs.
Just to let you all know my news blog has made it to the longlist for the best pop culture blog on the Irish Blog awards even though I did briefly serve with Oliver Cromwell the scourge of the Irish.

Hey bygones and all of that stuff, I won't win anything (its all politics) but hey its the taking part that counts but if I start to post about leprechauns, Guinness , potatoes and ugly people then you know I'm just trying to impress the judges so top 'o' the mornin to ya .

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Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Love Me With Lard

I was tagged a while back by Witchypoo for a meme about some quirky things about me. I write so much stuff (well over 1,000 posts) its hard to know what I haven't said so I mostly used pictures to spice this meme up and help you readers that have trouble with the word thingys . Not too quirky and you get what you pay for.

I'm a fire starter twisted fire starter. The fire of passion is a blessing and a curse to me.

If you look past my gruff exterior you'll see that I'm quite sensitive.
When I was young I was fearless, I later learned what fear is and am now no longer fearless but I am more brave than then because I face my fears.

I become bigger than life and perform for the crowd but don't believe the praise or applause.

And I think it's gonna be a long long time till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh no no no I'm a rocket man.

I am a real man loyal to my friends and unforgiving to my enemies. What are you fucking looking at Diocese of Leeds?

I am not the same person I was when I was younger. That is a good thing as I was as deep as a bird bath and cared for no one.

I believe that life is a journey and I am looking for something. I don't know what it is but I know that others I meet and things that happen will help me find it as I shall help them.

I don't like to brag but thousands of weemen, 8 men, 2 donkeys, various inanimate objects, 12 chickens, 1 turkey and yer ma can't all be wrong.

Killer On The Loose

Secretary killing adulterer and which way the wind will blow, back stabbing politician Edward (does my hypocrisy make me look fat?) Kennedy is backing Obama instead of long time friend Bill er sorry Hilary Clinton. They are all a pack of false lying shites anyway and Obama should pick his mates better, he should also give up, its not called the Whitehoose for nothing you know.

Sunday, 27 January 2008

Blogger Uncovered

Its a little known fact that years back I worked during the day as an ace reporter at the Daily Beagle which is a top selling tabloid as you are probably aware of and at night I was the tough crime fighter "Captain fetal position" I could take a kicking like no other vigilante.

I make it my own personal crusade to find out the truth and possibility use it for blackmail in some way. I uncover, Frauds, Frogs, Flax, Frig and Fodder, nothing escapes me, well except that postman the other day, its a mystery as to how he undid that knot. Semen are proud of their knots.

I have discovered that several bloggers are not who they say they are, ach it really upsets me to be lied to as I sit here in cold Killamory scratching the stump where my leg used to be. If you can find a lie and prove it false on any of my blogs I shall stop blogging and committing other hate crimes.

Do you recognise the above avatar? let me jog yer memory, "I'm just having some bacon then I'm oot and aboot on the search for Fenian cock sucking, bitches."

Yes you got it. The avatar belongs to my favourite commenter (not true I hate you all) and good friend (not until she gets her shots and I don't mean Whisky) MJ.

MJ is the local magnitude defined for earthquakes. Better described here.

Mjd : Displacement magnitude It is calculated as the average of
Which if you think about it is a load of old bollocks and she is just having a joke at our expense. Very clever, but not clever enough.

I have discovered the real MJ in this photo taken 30 years ago. She is in fact Greta Von Sharpie the famous groupie who once dated Motley Crue , Ken Barlow and the terrorist organisation Hezbollah. You can run MJ but yer past has a bad limp.

This is why Old Knudsen calls Interpol amateurs. MJ is also a bit of a swinger.

I know who you did last summer ........... I still have the rash.

No, I Am The Way

Get off my fucking bathrobe ya cunts. Old Knudsen BC (before cap)

For those who read me and not just click out when they don't see a dirty picture you'd know I'm having a wee catholic problem at the moment.
None of yous would have known about it if the Diocese of leeds (where ever the fuck that is) hadn't had a solicitor send Blogger a fax complaining that my wee blog alleged some priests were pedos and made up other stuff. Well duh! are all Catholic clergy stupid or did I just hit the jackpot? it says on my profile on that wee blog that hardly anyone reads that I make stuff up and do satire so maybe I hit a nerve and uncovered a nest of pedos.

As a Free Presbyterian level 5 Voodoo Grand Dragon Wizard I don't know too much about Catholicism, is that the Tom Cruise cult or the ex Nazi cult ? But I do know my Bible so on this fine Sunday you can either have a Bible lesson here or click over to Infomaniac to see a picture of Manuel's bare naked bottom. For fuck sake you had better cum back and read the rest.

Jesus was crucified on a Friday unless you go into details and find that doesn't make sense as he rose on Sunday morning, hardly 3 days and 3 nights also they did the whole crazy arse way of splitting days, so the days started and ended at sundoon so Saturday would have started at sundoon on Friday which is why we have those 'Eve' celebrations and then the actual day.

So he had to have been crucified on Wednesday morning which is highly unfortunate because it was all you could pancakes at HOPI pancake hoose so I missed the whole thing, that 30 pieces of silver was burning a hole in my bathrobe.

Anyway as we Christians say, "Details smetails just believe it and stop asking questions " so I was crucified on Half naked Thursday by the solicitors which doesn't sound as nice as 'Good Friday' I'm still waiting for my Viagra to kick in as it would be nice to rise again at my age.

I don't want this to become sectarian, I'm against morons and bullies in general and if they happen to be Fenian cocksuckers then so be it, they are now my Jews.

I have backed up my blogs and am prepared to be martyred by those deity killing pedo cunts if need be.
I was once touched by a priest he said "turn the other cheek" and that touched me, then he buggered the hole off me and sodomised me, or was that the army? or was that prison? maybe it was that film with Edward Norton where he starts out as a cool sick as fuck Nazi and ends up as a prison raped silky boy 'Death to Smoochy' I think it was called.

So anyway Jesus died on the toilet of a heart attack just before he turned 50, he never got over his Da leaving him there on the cross.
He ended up as a wafer called Soylent Green and then even after the Catholics ran out they kept doing symbolic cannibalism in their foul rituals known as 'Black masses' named after the misogynist crackhead Saint Peter whose last name was Black , he ended up dead in the foundations on a building site and a church was built upon him a Roman mafia thing.

I get the father and son part but what about the holy ghost ? in Killamory holy ghost is slang for 'toast' so you'd have a cup of rosie lee and some holy ghost, now that makes more sense and sounds like heaven to me.

So if every sperm is scared then why is the Diocese of Leeds such wankers ? it doesn't take much to scare them and shake their faith, I told you I was the greatest blogger in the world. Herr Pope is casting his spells on me over a pair of young buttocks and some goats blood as I type I can just feel it, no wait maybe it the Viagra, nope it was a bowel movement, thank god for commodes, at least he did something right.

I know Catholicism boiled doon to its purest form is just a way to keep the people (mostly weemen) in line as all the Jewish based religions are, go to a Muslim country to see how its done. So if sperm is scared are weemen's eggs also sacred ? So to stop weemen having periods you either have to keep them pregnant 'all' the time or use the pill.

With all the logic that goes along with this religion it kinda makes the Free Presbyterians look normal. I'm not looking for a holy war however I would like the boy bashers to gurn up and take it like a man.
I hope they don't read this post and bully Blogger with legal action again cos if they closed my blog/s it would be quite annoying and may take up an hour or two to set up another one. You can take my Blogs but you'll never take my opinions!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heres something a Catholic understands, a dirty protest.

If anyone wants the e-mail from Blogger with the legal letter attached or the original post just e-mail me and I'll send it to you. Those who missed it all read the post below this one.

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Thursday, 24 January 2008

Old Knudsen In Trouble Yet Again


Our referenceMSSIJC/LIT&ARB/LDS12928243.1
18 January 2008

By Post, email and Fax:
Fax to
US Office Legal Dep’t: 001 650 253 0001
Fax to
UK Legal Dep’t: 0207 031 3001

Email to Blogger Complaints section



We act for the Diocese of Leeds.

We have been asked by our client to advise on the content of tile web page which it has just discovered with the above address which is posted by Blogspot (also known as Blogger)..
We understand Blogger is a blog publishing system which was bought by Google in 2003.

Having considered the web page• in question, which refers to our client and uuikes defamatory remarks about various priests within the Leeds Diocese, we have advisedour client that the content is highly defamatory of our client and the individual priests mentioned.

We request that you remove the offending web page from publication by. no later than 530pm today due to the complaints set out below.


Our client is very concerned generally about the tone and content cf the web page referred to above, however in particular our client takes issue with the following defamatory comments: . .

The website states:

“October priest Father Mathew Habron of St. Austin’s in Wakefield says his childhood dream was to be an astronaut and hopes some day to take a group of young boys to Huntsville, Alabama for a 13 day course at space camp.

This is totally untrue and highly defamatory of Father Habron’s reputation. This amounts to an allegation that Father Habron is connected with pedophilia and the publication of such allegations can not be tolerated.

The article goes on to say:

“Father Simon Lodge. of Middleton Grange, ILckley, had the idea for the calendar and reveals in November: “If I weren't a priest ‘would be up to no good. Or at least more than I am already? Which may be a reference to the pedophile and money extortion charges he has been accused of.

This express allegation that Father Lodge is accused of pedophilia and money extortion is totally untrue and highly defamatory of his reputation.

The article goes on to say:

“Father Eamonn Hegarty, of The Sacred Mean in Howden, East Yorkshire is shown coaching a boy’s running team known as The Sacred short shorts in February.

Again, this is untrue and defamatory

The article also states that;

“Bishop of Leeds, the Right Reverend Arthur Roach ... hopes the calendar will help young men see the human side of the priesthood and not just the perverted child fondling side.”

The Right Reverend Arthur Roach, Bishop of Leeds, has never made thesecomments and they are defamatory of his arid our client’s replication.

Further, the article states that Father Darren of East Wessex stated:

“If I Wasn't doing this I would probably be an arms dealer.”

Clearly, this comment has never been made and it is highly defamatory.

Whilst our client acknowledges and respects the freedom of expression Which the Internet affords, and has no interest whatsoever in stifling satire or criticism of the church which any individual might have, they are not prepared to sit back and ignore serious allegations of criminal involvement in pedophilia, which ate made against specific individuals.

It is clear that the above statements are highly defamatory and,a consequence, the web page in question must be removed without delay


Our client has no desire for a dispute against Blogger/Google but considers that it must take action to prevent the publication of such a damaging and defamatory article.

Therefore our client requests that the web page is removed from publication by no later than 5.30pm today.

failing which our client reserves all rights,request that Google enforce its Blogger Content Policy in order to defend its reputation as a responsible publisher- This policy states that in respect of “Hateful Content”:

"Users may not publish material that provokes hatred towards groups based On ‘race; ethnic origin religion, disability, gender, veteran status and sexual orientation gender identity "if it is clear that this site is making hateful, untruthful comments’ about a religious organisation which have the potential to seriously damage the reputation of the individuals mentioned and the Diocese of Leeds as a whole.

We reserve the right to refer to this letter in the context of any defence of innocent publication which you may seek to advance in respect of any claim brought for defamation in the English courts, which specifically relies on Section 1 of’ the Defamation Act.’ 1996

We would be obliged if you would direct any correspondence on this issue to Martyn Scott at the email address set out below.

Yours faithfully


I got a nice polite e-mail from blogger (24 Jan 2008) with the above attached to it.

A story I did on my News blog didn't go doon too well. Yet again its the Catholics and their lack of sense of humour, maybe I touched upon a few truths or sensitive issues. They protest a bit too much I fear.

I don't give a shite about what the Fenian church says they can't touch me unlike the many underage victims that have been touched however Blogger can end my existence at any time. I have been forced to take doon the offending post.

What did you say? why don't you just change the names and move the post? so it doesn't make allegations about anyone ? yeah that would work. If Blogger kills me then what can I do but start up another blog? no big deal I copy my posts anyway.

I just wish the Catholic church had taken such swift legal action against all the pedo priests they have hidden and supported and lied about for years as they have with me.

Dear Diocese of Leeds why are you so touchy ? get a sense of humour its a satirical blog. How about yer priests getting a real job instead of spending their spare time googling themselves .

Please feel free to e-mail the above law firm with any questions you may have.

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Chinky Monkey Love

Part Burt Reynolds part Jim Morrison in his sexy leather trousers.

Yes ladies today is yer lucky day.The world's hairiest man is looking for a new girlfriend on the Interweb after a recent breakup from .

Imagine this on top of you going for it. The poor lad still has to worry about going bald.

Yu Zhenhuan aged 26, has pube like hair covering 96 % of his body only the palms of his hands and the soles of his feet are hair free.

I know I'm not the only one who wonders about the size of midget's cocks so I'm wondering if his willy is like a bottle brush, does he shave it? does the shit get matted around his arse?

Hmmm I'm pondering today. E-mail for love .

His condition is called atavism. Yu has had operations to remove hair from his nose and ears and repair his gums, which were engulfing his teeth.

He had a tough childhood and says:

"People laughed at me and called me 'caveman'. I used to throw stones back and fight them as a kid, but now I've grown up and learnt how to endure it."

Hello ladies I'm all sweet with no sour. I melt in yer mouth and not in yer hand.

Well its only right that people make fun of him that's why God makes these freaks. I would have went for 'Yeti' or made jokes about getting mistaken for a dog and ending up in the pot, c'mon people if yer gonna call him 'caveman' at least make it 'Captain Caveman' for a nation that built such a great wall they can be fucking dense at times. 'Pubic enemy # 1' see? now that's how I roll.

Beast boy plays the guitar, weemen go nuts over that sort of stuff, it even gets Dive his hole. He is also learning the saxophone so at least he'll get the odd fat intern to suck him off, she'll be picking hairs out of her teeth for weeks.

He sings cover versions but is starting to write his own songs. He makes a living singing in pubs anything from Sting to Nat King Cole so this lad is fucking cool, well he would be if he wasn't covered in pubes and Chinese.

Here is his pet doggie "Eggroll" hes a good dog and a good dog like that you don't eat all at once.

Yu likes long walks on the beach, fetching sticks, romantic dinners and fisting.

The Musical Fruit

The only music I have in my life is TV theme tunes and my arse after a can of baked beans, the two can be combined sometimes for 30 seconds of musical bliss ending in a crescendo of watery lumps. To appreciate that last comment more it is necessary to hear me pronounce watery in my fine Scots dialect it sounds like (wat- ter- ree) with the 'R's rolled.

I've had jobs in which there was a radio blasting away with all the radio one DJ's all day everyday . Not my choice but what can you do? Simon Bates, Steve Wright and Gary Davis, we played the music to drown out the machines as I was once a machine operator making wire fencing.
I got the job because I had extensive fencing experience but that was with swords fighting off the wogs for the Empire not machines but I had loan shark debts to pay off so I kept my gob shut for fear of having my knee-caps busted.

I worked shifts in that soul destroying factory, the only light coming through frosted glass high up near the ceiling, the shadows moving with rats the size of cats that you had to fight in order to keep yer sandwiches for yer lunch, fuck I hate rats, ever since the plague of 65 and that film 'Ben' with Michael Jackson.

I worked 6am - 2pm and 2pm - 10pm at times there was just me and a guy at the other end of the factory who fetched the bails of wire for me with the forklift. I was the machine operator I was like the star of the show.
I did receive some head trauma during that job when a large steel wheel from the wire spools fell on my head splitting it open. It was during the day when others were there and with blood pouring doon my face my fellow worker who was panicking wanted me to run to the first aid office, I told him to wise up as that would look most undignified. I've had many head wounds in my time but ya couldn't tell could ya?

Sometimes on the radio they would play concerts or sessions, that John Peel cunt tortured me no end. Now to reveal my pet hate. I hate live music, on the radio on a record or on stage .
When a famous group sings one of their best and most popular songs and they change the Rhythm , the music and words just enough that you end up looking like a dopey cunt if you try to sing to it.

Ok I get it you've been singing the same fucking songs for the last 20 years, yer bored with it and the enthusiasm has gone as yer now pushing 50 and fat as fuck. Or you don't play the hit songs because you want the crowd to hear some new crap you've done.

Musicians are like mathematicians and do their best work when they are young. Just play the song the way it is on the radio, the way everyone likes it and why they bought it.
I have happy memories bucking yer ma to that song so just play it right. No "hey!" or letting the drunks in the audience sing it, yer the singer do yer fucking job its not karaoke night.
Only very seldom is a cover as good or better than the original . Nirvanna, 'The Man Who Sold The World' that old Bowie song was just as good.

Another dislike of mine is not just the price of music, but you buy a record and get it home. Yer listening to all yer favs but there is no lyric sheet printed out and its not anywhere else on it.
These bands get millions but are not considerate enough to think about the fans that don't understand their cool slurring of the words so for the next 10 years yer singing the start of Van Morrison's 'Brown Eyed Gurl' as "Hey there amigo" instead of "Hey where did we go?"

Many bands these days can only sound good in a studio, you get them out live and they are weak and crackly like a really hot woman who is crap in bed. Sort it out music industry.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Fuck I Like To Hear Myself Type

First of all don't give me crap, I've got hemorrhoids that are older than you and with far more intelligence too.
Did I tell you about the time I went to America during the potato famine in Ireland? They were serving some soy substitute and it just wasn't the same so I packed my bags and set sail for the new world aboard the good ship 'Sinker.' When I got to America I saw they weren't very hospitable to immigrants, I saw a lot of 'No Irish' signs and if anyone asked if I was Irish I'd say "No I'm Scottish don't insult me, unless its something good then I'll be Irish for ya." I worked as a rent boy at the tender age of 11 and my pride was damaged, do you know what its like having to ask people for their rent every month? I never looked them in the eyes as I wrote out the receipts and told them to trim their hedges.

To survive in America I did things that I'm ashamed off. I once went into a drugstore with a knife and told the guy behind the counter to fill my bag up full of drugs. I had intended to sell them to school kids or gheys as both have disposable income. The name Drugstore is very misleading.

While we are on the subject to descend on a rope means you abseil you don't rappel, what the fuck does rappel mean? it sounds like a deodorant teenage boys spray on themselves so thickly that it chokes you just to hide the fact that they don't wash, I never washed up to the age of 53 and never felt the need to smell like a hoors handbag, older ladies also crop dust with the perfume, I know that's to hide the smell of piss stained gunties which I personally fine quite sexy.

C'mon people admit it, you sniff stuff. Weemen sniff things belonging to their man, me when I'm with a lady I rip their gunties off and breath deeply and before you know it I've got a natural painful four hour erection.

Like him or not Robbie Williams has balls and they are itchy.

Do you see this? ' # ' how the fuck does that look like a pound sign? ' £ ' this is a pound sign as in the currency of civilised countries '#' this is known as a hash sign, don't ask me why it just fucking is ok? or lbs is pound. Maybe whoever named it was smokin hash browns or something.

A Cooker is a Stove and for a very good reason. You can't stove yer dinner but you can cook yer dinner on a cooker not a stover.

Tell tale tit. Yer mammy cannae knit, yer daddy cannae go tae bed Withoot a dummy tit.
That's a wee rhyme we sing as children when someone tells on you, rats on you, touts on you, get the idea? now this saying is as old as the hills so then why do you Americans call a Dummy a pacifier ? I think that film starring Vin Diesel would of made more sense if they called it 'The Dummy' rather than 'The Pacifier.'

Nappy headed hoes? a nappy is a diaper and a hoe is a thing you shuffle the soil around yer quaint poofy English garden with.

Petrol, short for petroleum spirit is fuel for cars. Gasoline or Gas is the stuff that cums out of my arse when I fart , you don't put gas into cars whats wrong with you people?

A baby carriage, does it have horses? its called a pram short for perambulator .
You call a Press up a Push up, Randy is a name but really it means having sexual desire, lustful or horny.

I came to the conclusion that Americans have issues and just like to annoy other countries. That explains the whole need to be the world police when it suits them, Darfur, Zimbabwe, Kenya who cares its Africa?
Hey were aren't British so lets change some words and mess with their heads and then insist its them that's wrong. Fucking Brits with their tea and bad teeth.
A fine example of an American woman I'd use her shite for toothpaste.

Its hard to admit it but I do like the back up we got in two world wars when the Scottish/British beat the Germans.
I like the fast, loose and easy American weemen and their need to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to me.
I used to like Coke now I prefer Pepsi. Heinz and Kraft food products are always welcome on my table, tomato soup, baked beans, ox-tail soup, miracle whip ah bliss.
I like the films or movies which have them saving the world every five minutes and I like their love of guns.
My dream is to have sex with at least one Yank woman in all 52 of their states, I'm not getting any younger and I'm barely halfway there.
Now Mexico and Canada are in North America right? so they are American too then, I had better get a move on.

Hot Cheerleaders I also like but you can keep yer American football, basketball and yer softball fucking boring, fly fishing is where the action is.

A typical American having fulfilled the American dream of getting too fat to walk.

I just rambled on here it seems, I don't care I'm old I get to do that.

Hey Happy birthday Martin Luther king, personally I think Booker T Washington and even Bill Cosby deserve more attention as they pointed out, its ok to want equal rights but once you have them do something with them instead of whining about whitey and slavery and disrespecting yer weemen.

Viva La Difference! as the Irish say.

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How The West Was Bummed

If it was an OD then yer a stupid twat, at least ya didn't do a Michael Hutchence.

Heath Ledger the 28 year-old fuzzy headed Aussie actor was found dead in his Manhattan home Police said drugs may have been a factor I think he knew too much about the lemurs to be allowed to live.

That's a shame because I liked the lad, not the greatest of actors but not the worse, he was nominated for an Oscar for Brokeback Mountain, hey if I was paid a few million to be ghey for pay I'd be convincing too, I haven't seen it did he swallow?

He had an appointment for a massage at the flat he lived in and the hoosekeeper went to let him know the masseuse was there, so no happy ending for him.

Yer typical cowboys talking about rustling if you know what I mean.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

What If God Was One Of Us?

Old Knudsen never brags unless you count telling what happened bragging of course. I am one of the most important people in the universe as God himself comes to me for ideas and advice. All those cancer curing plants in the Amazon were my idea.

God needs to be entertained as Earth is one of his many reality shows so I put them in the Amazon as a challenge, you can't make things too easy.
Anyway at the moment the Juttron genocide on Xucrin 4 is vastly more interesting for him, he loves a good slaughter, you just have to read yer old testament to see that, oh yeah that was back when there were only 3 worlds to watch and two of them had nothing but photo fucking synthesis on them.

I invited him doon to Killamory to join in on the fun, he just yapped yapped yapped about the usual, mostly how I talked him into creating weemen and look at the state of the world.

I pointed out that if you look at the Middle east, world politics, the IRA and UVF, Nazis and the Minute 'Men' its 99% male. Sure you get the odd silly bint but really I just wanted a warm, soft, jiggly creature to stick ma dick into and talk too and God doth say'th, "What do you want to talk to her for?"
Adam was too busy breaking off sticks to hit things with to talk, not a big thinker that lad, blame him for the state of the world.

Yes weemen if you have a big arse and feel attracted to men wearing caps its all my fault. If not then its the Devils work ya fucking leezer.

God gets easily distracted and will put a volcano on and fall asleep and forget about it or he'll be making a man and add some bits of teenage gurl on her period by mistake and before you know it you have Americans.

I took God doon to my local pub "The Broken Bottle" for a few drinks, that deity is a fuckin lightweight, Buddha can drink me under the table but Yewah is anyones after a couple of piss like Buds. He was dancing on the table asking people who wants to be a millionaire?
By the end of the night we had a cage match to the death between Mental Eddie and Crazy Rat Sammy, there were Unicorns shitting everywhere because the whole Noah's Ark thing came up, oh it turns out that it was Norah's Ark which is why it ended up on the top of Mount Ararat.

The Raslon nation that was about to nuke Sweden got wished out of existence for a bet not that you will ever remember anything about it.

After 9pm things start to get a little crazy in The Broken Bottle especially on a Saturday which is blood letting night. God ended up going home with a couple of Polish labourers.
When I call God 'He' that's just for convenience sake, I don't think humans can have a real concept of what God is and to do so is just arrogant, unless yer me of course. Those two Poles are in for a right shock.

God is probably sitting on his sofa in Heaven with a hangover and the smell of polish labourers around his belly port flicking the channels on his worlds, while we lesser Gods sit on our sofas with a hangover and the smell of Polish labourers around our cocks flicking channels on our tellys looking for sex and violence.......................just like big G who made us in his er its image but just because we look like God doesn't mean our shit don't stink.
Yes God does wear a cap.

Have You Seen This Man From Nearly A Year Ago?

A sketch of a suspected abductor of Madeleine McCann has been drawn after a tourist reported seeing a "creepy man" by the McCanns' apartment. Creepy man my arse it was the ghost of Beatles star George Harrison who had stayed at the resort and wrote the hit song, "Hotel Portugala." If you see George Harrison please contact the police. Just doing my bit for this fast breaking case.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Well Hung Black Fat And Lusty

Black people do not have the copyright on nooses, fried chicken, big cocks and diabetes is their thing.

You know how boring golf is right? well its great when the dull as fuck ball whackers get all in a tizzy about something. Golfweek magazine wanted to grab attention and sell more magazines so they exploited a controversial story from the golf world, not like they have them often.

Kelly Tilghman a sports presenter was talking to analyst Nick Faldo and were discussing young challengers to Tiger Woods. Faldo suggested that "to take Tiger on, maybe they should just gang up (on him) for a while."
"Lynch him in a back alley," Tilghman replied.
For some reason that was offensive and though Tilghman apologized directly to Woods she was suspended for two weeks.

What the fuck? Woods said he wasn't offended, anyway I'm sure more white people have been lynched than black people besides what the fuck is Woods?
He has called himself a Cablinasian because hes part African American, Chinese, Native American, Thai, and Caucasian, say anything and yer bound to insult some of his heritage.
Americans are Heinz 57, mutts that are a bit of everything, for a melting pot they are pretty fucking touchy about race.

The only thing that should insult Woods is calling him a Nappy headed redskined slitty eyed cracker cunt, then again would he care? hes rich and has a hot wife. Fuck I hate him, does that make me racist or richhotwifeist?

Nope he doesn't look wasted, so how is rehab coming along?

Daniel Baldwin, 47, and his wife, Joanne Smith-Baldwin, have breeded, that's not the worst of the news this is "Fat Baldwin's" as I affectionately call him fourth child but her first she is 38, and is a former British fashion model turned chef. All the better for food lovin Baldwin.
The gurl child is to be named Avis Ann, after the car rental place as she was conceived in the back of one of their cars.

The couple met last year during one of Baldwin's stints in a drug and alcohol rehab facility in Malibu.
Joanne worked there as a chef . Its bad getting a job in a rehab just to pick up D -List actors, I give them 3 years at the most .

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Not My Problem Mate

Some days you wake up and the sky is grey, yer syphilis is flaring up yer bills are more than you earn and yet again someone has spray painted "Die Knudsen" over yer front door. Then you look at the problems of other people and it puts it all into perspective.

Matthew McConaughey a rich Hollywood star who was once voted the worlds sexiest man has gotten his hot Brazilian model gurlfriend Camilla Alves pregnant. Ha ha! I wouldn't want yer troubles mate.

Or I just look at yer blogs and am grateful I'm not you.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Are You Taking The Piss?

I was just kicking back and chilling with my old mate Bruce Boxleitner who you may remember from the TV series Bring em back alive and the hit film Tron.
He prefers to come over to Killamory rather than me going to his Hollywood home because his wife Melissa Gilbert gets freaked out when I stare at her with my hands in my pockets.
I don't know what her problem is, big star huh? Old Knudsen does what he does, you might as well beat a dog for licking its balls, I wish I could do that lick a dogs balls I mean.

Bruce is a few years from being 60 but hes already talking about his own mortality. I added to his fears by saying he didn't look too well.
After a few drinks I swore I'd look after Melissa for him because we were best fucking mates.
We got to talking about legacies. I've heard that word 'legacy' a lot, mostly its when a politician is on the way out he'll actually do some work to make people remember his legacy.

Blair is taking credit for the shaky peace in Northern Ireland and Bush is trying to bring peace to Israel and Palestine by going to everywhere but Palestine giving his support, money and weapons.
When OJ Simpson dies how will he be remembered ? as a football player or a murderer who got away with his crime ? Michael Jackson's music will be overshadowed by him being a pedo as will Gary Glitter.
Phil Spector however won't be remembered for being a crazy fuck who shoots weemen, oh no he'll be remembered for a fucking wall of sound.
Hitler gets the moustache and the holocaust while Mussolini had the trains running on time theres no rhyme nor reason.

What first comes to my mind when I think of Elvis is dying on the toilet, the place where most heart attacks happen because of the straining involved, its ironic that he died constipated and then as you die you shit yerself I don't believe he got it doon the bog though.

When you normal people die and you haven't achieved the Blog greatness that I have I wonder what you'll be remember for.
I've known two guys who have died over the years , when family members clear out their houses they have had a large bottles filled with piss beside their chairs.
One of them (a relative of mine) had served on the HMS Illustrious during World War II but he'll be remembered for having a bottle of piss beside his chair.
Everyone knows that I blog on a commode so I don't have to get up and go and have a shit also its doon to 40% chance of me actually making it to the bog.
I think a commode is more socially acceptable than a bottle.

I'm looking into a heart monitor that I'll wear like a watch and so if I died incendiary devices will go off in the cupboard I keep my sex doll and stack of ghey porn also in the cabinet where I keep all the classified extra super top secret documents I borrowed from various governments.
I wonder if there is a way to wipe the hard drive of my computer so no one can see what pictures I've doonloaded.

What will family members find if you died today ? I'd rather be remembered as the Greatest Blogger in the world who banged Sophia Loren in the ass in 1967 while George Peppard watched and who killed the Great White Panda of the Pennines at the cost of his leg than, "oh yeah, that's the cunt who had the 2 litre bottle of piss beside his chair, lazy fucker."

Get off yer lazy arse and go use the toilet or a sink or something.

Most of my posts start with a message and degenerate into some perverts idea of a happy ending.
Old Knudsen is a romantic soul, On my 5th wedding I wanted to express just how much I loved my bride to be, either Sally or Sara was her name.
She was hot and had the most extraordinary luck ever, she used to go out at night for a few hours and come home and tell me how she just found £300 on the ground.

Then when our first baby was born and he turned out to be Asian her secret was out, it seems she was a distant relate of Ghengis Khan which is why she looked white but could have a half Asian baby, I didn't mind for I knew old Ghengis, what a laugh he was at least the baby was mine .

So back to our vows, I can remember it like it was yesterday except it wasn't yesterday which I only have partial memory of. I stood there while the policeman burned away in the flaming wicker effigy and I solemnly said, "Dear Sally or and Sara, as long as I have a face, you have a toilet."

Yes female readers I do know what weemen want.
Our marriage only lasted a few years as Sally or Sara was murdered by the Aberbrothock Slasher who went around killing prostitutes, he must have mistaken her for one. She used to wear micro mini skirts in the dead of winter, not very practical I used to say but she like her fashions. I shielded little Charlie Chan our son from some of the accusations made. People can be cruel.
As you can see the post about Vince Vaughn is still up, I believe I can last more than 3 weeks.