He ran off screaming that he smelled like piss as if that's a bad thing welcome to my world.
So I became a vampire but no ordinary vampire I was a crime fighting an evil hunting vampire, nah only kidding.
The cleaning lady only cums on Tuesdays
So being a vamp didn't change my lifestyle too dramatically. I had to wear black of course and slick my hair back oh and drain the blood from three people a day, if I missed a person I got grumpy as fuck. Its not as easy as you'd think to find victims to suck dry.
Its not like sex were you stick it in doon there, its more intimate, the last thing you want as yer sucking away is to see some head lice crawling yer way or see a bad case of dandruff getting all over yer black clothes.
Its hard to suck them doggy style so you can't avoid looking at ugly meals, if they are fat then you might miss the artery.
I'm not biting a bloke, maybe if it was Gerard Butler or someone but no I'm not having the rest of the vamps at the Tatty Twister (its a pub for vampires) saying I've gone all Transylvanian or Bohemian or whatever.
Children are safe cos I'm no pedo so that only leaves hot weemen, there is a sore shortage of hot weemen in the UK especially in Scotland where a woman is judged by her axe throwing abilities than her looks.
American weemen taste like plastic out gassing due to all the fake tits, the Canadian weemen are the ugly meals you have to bite while they are wearing bags but they are very polite. French weemen taste like garlic, I just don't like the smell of garlic nothing vampy and Russian weemen get you drunk with their high blood alcohol levels I went to Moscow for a visit and it ended up more like leaving Las Vegas I ended up on the 12 step program for alcoholics.
Meet my three brides, more like common in-law brides. You'd think turning three hot weemen into vamps would be great, 100 years for triple nagging and then they are off biting other men.
The older you get the less you can be arsed with hot weemen and all you can do is look at them while they make sure to stay out of arms length and I'm not as fast as I used to be.
So if you don't see me during a full moon then you know why I'll be off howling at the moon, no wait that's werewolves and the thing I do when I'm drunk as a skunk, pissed as a newt or intoxicated as a bastarding Lemur.
So if yer bit by Zoltan hound of Dracula do you become a vampire or just get rabies and die? ah such uninteresting questions my bloggers of the night.
So much for the three brides, divorce is not always hardest on the children.
I just thought I'd tell you this story as I heard that Dracula had just recently died of cancer, the night shifts of stalking virgin boys must have gotten to him, he got this big lump behind his ear, I blame his mobile phone I mean those signals just go through you to yer phone.