Wednesday, 31 October 2007

What The Fuck Was That?

"Do you think hes dead? go on hit him again."

Did ya ever see the show about the ghost hunters from TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society) plumbers by day up to their elbows in shit and hairy clogs and bane of the spirit world by night not giving those poor spirits any peace, so do ghosts not cum out during the day? I wonder what they do, blog maybe?

Jason Hawes is the big baldy guy that looks like he'd be more at home on The Shield beating up pimps a real alpha male with a deep voice and Boston attitude, his partner Grant Wilson is the more approachable looking Bill Pullman type who is a fully trained Italian chef, both seem like nice guys but you know Yanks, they have to let themselves doon, they do this by a celebratory bumping of fists after each job well done, what are ya too cool for a high fives? and stop calling everyone "bro."

They have various plebs to do the grunt work for them, the most notable would be Brian, a dopey twat that was always about to get fired in the first couple of shows. Play the Brian game, everytime he asks, "did you see that?" or "what was that?" knock back a shot, and if he swears and runs out of the building screaming like a gurl do two. I'm pretty sure that off camera he gets smacked on the back of the head a lot.

His catchphrase became the ever so professional "Dude run."

He reminds me of a guy I know when I used to work in Tillyman's fish and chip shop. I had gone in on my day off to meet someone "Spence" was mopping the floor while walking backwards, and had a dopey grin on his semi retarded face and was singing, "Do you take it in the mouth Mrs Murphy?" I should have told him about the female customer behind him but no I'm a cunt , he ran the mop over her shoe and stocking while singing his lovely song.

I believe Brian left the show but came back for a bit, oh the drama .Then there is Steve, a heavily tatooed ex peeler afraid of spiders and flying, he always seems to be pondering something by the expression on his face and you expect him to finish each sentence with "hmmm." Dave tango is the permanent rookie type with the well groomed shapely eyebrows.

There are others who whip their heads round at every little sound and raise eyebrows.

The budget got bigger an office and SUVs were purchased, Jason grew a goatee and now looks like his own evil twin and they got a piece of totty, a young lady named Kris who looks good on camera but looks like she is ready to cry at any moment and needs a big strong man for protection, telling a ghost about how an ex boyfriend used to bite yer legs is just inappropriate, the dead hookers were probably thinking, "get some backbone, this was our living you had a choice."

I like the show, I don't like the way sci-fi teases you with every gasp and then goes to a break, it has been called pseudo science and the sounds they record are just terrible, they can be anything. What the fuck do experts know that these amateurs don't? how many times did the ghostbusters cross streams? its like a heart monitor, just because yer wearing it doesn't mean something will happen.

Some of the things that Taps capture on camera cannot be easily explained away. Similar things that many of us have seen with our own eyes.

The definition of Paranormal is: giving "seeing things" a better name so others don't think yer crazy.

I laugh when I hear people say, "I don't believe in ghosts, why haven't I seen any?" thats like wondering why a brick can't compose a beautiful symphony.

Some people are too um dull, mundane and immersed in their own bubble to notice anything, the only ghost they would see is a Scooby Doo ghost and we all know that's just a person wearing a mask.

Everything is energy, life is energy, when we die it goes elsewhere depending on the wiring. Think of people as radios, all tuned into to different stations, some are just stuck on one channel and that's all they know but others have seen that there are more channels than most people even know about and they pick up things others don't.

You don't have a choice about the next song played on the station or you'll just hear it as background noise and hardly pay it attention. Then you'll just catch yerself, "was that turning Japanese?" I haven't heard that in ages.

Anyway shit happens around us all the time. Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean a tree isn't talking to you. It does take things like electrical equipment to pick it up like cameras and tape recorders, remember when they made the machine to hear plants scream when you cut off its leaves?

On the Ghosthunters show they went to Lisheen ruins in Ireland, the worse thing about that show was how everyone and their dog spelt "Rath" (which means fort) as "Wrath" its like when Yanks say Celtic as Seltic.

It was creepy there as it was famous for its fairy activity , no not blokes in belly tops shouting "Go Gurl" and not tinker fucking bell.

The fairies/gentry/wee folk/Fey whatever can be good or bad just like people they were formerly what we call Pagan gods but after the Milesians from Europe who are now the Irish defeated them the Fey went underground to live no longer as gods because the Gods of the Milesians now replaced them but as cruel looking caricatures of themselves such as Leprechauns.

That Fenian cocksucker Patrick didn't help either, after him and the Romans got rid of all the Druids the Fey were doomed.

Pissed off rightly they are so when a big baldy Yank comes round to their Rath, no showing respect they will go after you, in my opinion the Ghosthunters were extremely close to being fucked with big time.

There are things out there Mulder, things that go bump in the night, ghosts are nothing, most are just replays in time fixed on an area waiting for the perfect storm of time and conditions and someone there that can see them, if no one is there I'm sure they still turn up, I know cos I wasn't there once.

Some ghosts can interact with you, maybe they don't know they are dead or just have issues still to resolve, then there are the spirits and actual entities . I have all ready covered the Fey, they are worldwide,and have lots of branches to their family the good ones don't make dreams come true but they don't fuck you up unless you mess with them, the bad ones get you when you get their attention, you don't want to do that, a killer picking a victim or a pedo singling out one child in a playground.

Many reasons to get noticed, your own energy for one, several spirits feed on fear and depression and when yer doon you shine like a beacon for them, or if they think yer ready to crack they will help you, whispering their hateful words to you that you don't even hear but become yer own thoughts, blinding you with their empty darkness.

If you pray, do magic or dabble with Quigi boards that is also a beacon or you shouldn't have gone where you did.

We are surrounded by spirits, if you don't know what yer doing I suggest be polite and keep yer distance.

Halloween usually feels no different than any other time to me but I'll play along with the spooky thing, people are too busy thinking about getting sweets and dressing up as twats than preparing to store food for the winter and giving thanks for what the harvest gave them and remembering those passed on. Halloween or Samhain got changed by the Christians who tagged a Christian celebration onto it or nearby it (all souls day or evil dead day I don't know) so the dirty Pagans would join in with the dirty Catholic stuff and eventually phase out the fun sex magick shit, it worked well with Christmas and Easter, you have people painting eggs and putting up trees and not having a clue why, its not like its fun.

If you made it this far without dirty photoshopped pictures well done (skimming doesn't count)

Have fun just don't expect to see any more spirits than usual unless yer pouring them.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Get Out Of That

Starring in the 1920 film "Terror island" don't worry it was only a name as it was really a peninsula .

On this day in 1926 Harry Houdini died of peritonitis caused by appendicitis aged 52

Monday, 29 October 2007

Spooky Turds On A Stick

I remember Samhuinn as I grew up in the tiny village of Frigadoon. I'm just going to take it for granted that my readers aren't complete morons and know all about Samhuinn or Samhain ............... ok yer right I had better explain it, slowly and clearly without the use of big words.
means summers end and marks the first day of winter, you'd bring the animals into the shelter of the barn, collect whatever harvest yer growing to feed you and the beasts, collect wood peat or dried shit for burning and get to baking, preserving , slaughtering and salting meat , just getting ready for the winter a head.

We'd have a feast because in November the Faeries blast every living plant with their icy breath.

We would eat nuts and place apples in a bucket of water and dunk for them grabbing them with our mouths, sacrifice homeless people and we would remember those who had passed on to the other world and set out extra food in case they turned up hungry.

You always put food outside for the Faeries to keep them happy , they like Shepherds pie (with real shepherds) or a KFC bargain bucket but no coleslaw, the Roberts next door put out some coleslaw and look at them now, well you can't look at them cos you can't bloody well find them.

In Frigadoon we didn't get many pumpkins, I suppose where ever you are you use what is grown there, my ma used a turnip, she or my da would scoop it out and carve a face on to it to make a small pathetic Jack'O'lantern, then we would be fed turnip with our dinner, fuck I hate turnip. Now when Halloween comes rounds I get the phantom taste of turnip in my mouth of Halloween past

The Irish legend says that the Devil once came to claim the soul of a no-good man named Jack. But Jack outsmarted the Devil several times and stayed alive.
When Jack eventually died, neither heaven nor hell would claim Jack.
Cursed to roam the earth forever, Jack begged the Devil for a live coal to provide light so he could navigate in limbo.

The Devil, was a soft touch when it came to Jack and not such a bad bloke , gave him a piece.

Jack put the coal into a turnip. And Jack is still walking around with his lantern until either heaven or hell will open its door to him.
The Legion is having a scary costume competition, the prize is a bottle of whisky. I think I'll be haunting a few dreams tonight in this outfit.

We never had trick or treat that's some strange American thing designed to make you fat on chocolate, I think that's the way most of their culture is set out, big is better.

My village had an ancient tradition in which Mr Brooks the village cross dresser would put on an old Boggy mask and chase you around the streets and if he caught you he'd give you a right diddling and a lolly pop and told you it was our secret and you'd get bad luck if you told. I was forever getting caught, I ran as fast as I could honestly, I'm surprised I still have all my own teeth as Mr Brooks would give you a massive lolly , one time he caught me but I had just been freshly shaved to get rid of my nits, I only got a candy apple that year.


Samhain was not the fat hobbit and is pronounced "sa-wheen."

For last years timeless Halloween post chock full of sex and violence CLICK HERE.

Glory Days

Gerry Adams of Sinn Fein seen here sucking on a big , ugly, funny looking dick, its must be Ian Paisley. This crappy post was done purely for the benefit of MJ who likes this sort of thing.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Toronto Home Of The Left Handed Pedo

A pedo convention in America of course.

I read about this at Cyberscroll and then investigated more. A study done at Toronto's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has come to the conclusion that pedophiles were about an inch shorter than the average Canadian man, who stands at 5 feet 10 inches tall, three times more likely to be left-handed and have received one or more significant blows to their heads in their lifetime .
1,200 men, were studied for this report between 1995 and 2006, pedophilia is a uniquely male condition, those female teachers that are attracted to young teenagers are known as hebephiles .

Before you go round to "shorty's" hoose with yer rope or lynch "leftie titch" none of this means that small left handed blokes with headaches are automatically kiddie diddlers but do keep an eye on them .
Bare it in mind that over the past five thousand years the average height of men in Britain has remained stable at about (5ft 7in), and women at (5ft 3in) we are just starting to reach the Canucks and Yank's heights probably due to bad British food being replaced by hormone enriched fast food .

Left handed people are considered more intelligent than average right hander in academia but lack social skills, the left hand has always been considered somewhat demonic with the old saying that a left handed person owed the Devil a days work, children who were lefties were forced at school to use their right. Sometimes I wank with my left hand and talk dirty with a French accent to make it feel like someone else is doing it but thats just me.

Harry S. Truman, Gerald Ford ,Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush ,Bill Clinton, Joan of Arc ,Alexander the Great, Napoléon Bonaparte, Queen Victoria, Buzz Aldrin ,Jay Leno, Uri Geller,
Matt Groening, Bart Simpson ,Jack-the-Ripper, Boston Strangler, Mark Twain, Kurt Cobain, Phil Collins, Jimi Hendrix, Paul McCartney, Michelangelo, Robert DeNiro, Steve McQueen Robert Redford, Oprah Winfrey and John McEnroe are all cunts, oh and left handed.

So as usual its another study which is a load of bollocks used to get funding, waste funding or to make someones name famous.
You study 1,200 that you know of, what about the 10,000 tall right handers too clever to get caught you don't know about ?

A confession to make, Old Knudsen is shorter than 5 foot 10 inches, he has received numerous blows to the head and he is not left handed, I do have a bad right shoulder and try to do more with my left hand so maybe I'll turn into one some day.

On one of the sites I read, there was this comment:

whew. 6'4-6'5, right handed.


Saturday, 27 October 2007

The Sew Master 4000 Wasn't Picard Friendly

I'll Protect You From The Hooded Claw.

I haven't goaded the Ragheads for a while.

Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Masri is a crazy Muslim extremist cleric who looks more like a Bond villian. " I do not expect you to pull out of Iraq Mr Bush, I expect you to die."

Abu Hamza lost both hands and one eye in either A) clearing landmines in Afghanistan B) cut off for theft in Saudi Arabia C) A nitroglycerin accident at an Al Qaeda training camp. His hole hasn't been properly cleaned of shit since the 1990's.

He is currently in prison for inciting hatred and being sympathetic to Al Qaeda, what did he think there was free speech in Britain? away and fuck what a stupid idea that is, as an inciter of hatred myself my advice to Abu would be do it in a satirical way, they think they are being insulted and that I'm serious but they just aren't sure and don't want to say anything in case they look stupid.

Police do not think he had a hand in 9/11 or the London bombing.

Fenian Monk Cock Sucker

Lucky he had a Crucifix and not a Star of David......ouch!

Ashin Kovida a 24-year-old Buddhist monk, made his escape to Thailand with a false ID , dying his hair blonde and wearing a crucifix.
He was one of the organisers of the September marches in Myanmar and was wanted by the authorities.

Maybe Christians take this shit more seriously as Peter in the New Testament felt great shame when he denied knowing Jesus after the crucifixion.
Then again I always though that Christians were a bit thick with that turning the other cheek rubbish and if a man takes yer coat give him also yer cloak.
Fucking pussies, if someone hits you you hit them back, treat them as they treat you, eye for an eye which is also Christian, if someone takes yer coat and you can't get it back then you'll be needing yer cloak for the cold, won't you?

Then theres the Christians that are asked if they are Christian by Roman soldiers, if they answer yes they know they'll be thrown to the lions if they say no then its freedom, they smile and say "Yes we love the lord " stupid fuckers.

St Peter caught on to this and to ease his guilt he came up with confession and absolution of sin, well done that man, personal responsibility is for the weak and the Protestants if it suits them at the time.

Kovida held the safety of his own skin higher than his religious convictions, Buddha is probably very proud of him as it shows common sense, hes no doubt rubbing his fat belly and laughing at all the stupid mongs that God has over in Heaven. Reincarnation is the key, so you don't get stuck for an eternity with morons or Mormons, same thing really.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Hillary In Her Birthday Suit

Hillary Clinton has just celebrated her 60th birthday, she did so not with a quiet dinner with her family but rather with a star studded campaign fundraiser, remember the richest wins. The poor rich Republicans are all trying to invoke the spirit of Reagan and sniping at each other, "I'm Reagan" "No I'm Reagan" "No I'm Reagan and so is my wife."
I no longer believe that McCain will be the next US preez, he kinda fucked it up.

Back to Hillary sweet cheeks, all her lot are biting their lips so they'll get a chance at being her running mate. Don't get me wrong, I'd so ride Hillary but it would just be dirty nasty sex with some biting and hair pulling nothing more , I don't respect the woman, shes too cold blooded and calculating in her bid for power.

I've known weemen who have been badly beat by their husbands and then warm the bed up for him when he gets out of prison for it , also I've known weemen ready to forgive all when the husband cheats on her, they actually beg him to stay even after the philanderer was found to be abusing his own kids.

The man being the bread winner and children are usually a reason these weemen stay in the home because they can't see any other way to live but Hillary a lawyer now a senator was humiliated in front of the world, why is Bill's bendy willy not hacked off and put doon the garbage disposal ? no she stood by him smiling like a dolt and holding hands and no doubt said, "you had better help me run for president bitch or else." An ambitious couple you can tell but there is just so much wrong here, is this really the kind of person the Yanks want as the first female preez? or is it as usual just a matter of what is offered? is manipulation really freedom and democracy?

Happy birthday Hillary, you are a scary prospect for the world.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

The Future Is Now

In the future there will be no white Jewish Canadians with big phasers.

Evolutionary theorist (who gets on like a blogger) Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects humans to divide into a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass by the year 3000. Did this not start in the 80's with Yuppies and now chavs? shit I bet I'm a part of the dim-witted underclass.
This bird looks upperclass to me.

People will become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species. I thought weemen were already picky, well the ones that I try to get off with anyway, maybe I should change my chat-up line, "you remind me of my daughter."

No over eating in the future.
The upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative a bit like me except for the tall, slim, healthy part. I wonder if the Upperclasse's farts smell in the future.
The movies have been portraying leading men and weemen this way for years its like 5% of the population, Hitler would cum in his nazi shorts if he was alive.

Prussian blue here are quite welcome to die in a fire, no offense gurls I just hate haters.

The underclass humans (or spammers) will have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures. You mean like normal people?

What the fuck is wrong with this ladies? you know you want it.

Humans will be 7 feet tall and live to 120 years, what Curry doesn't tell you is that for the last 30 years they are frail and have dementia and shit into bags, what a great way to live .

I feel like I've forgotten something.

Men will be more attractive, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises.

Its like he just looked at my avatar and described me.

I take it that they'll look like this without working out for hours. Curry and his over educated silly English ideas, this is bullshit and let me guess, Curry is white.

The man of the future, no Brad Pitt , no Daniel Craig just tall dark and slimy.
Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and even features. This part sounds good, ah life is great in the upperclasses.

Of course those pert breasts aren't real but I'd still do a *lying week* on them.

White people are dying out as white is a recessive gene and the wogs breed like flies. The world will have only one coffee-coloured race of people. Fuck diversity, its not natures way apparently, the Japs and their evil ant mentality have had it right all along.
The Africans will die out too after we wise up and stop feeding the greedy fuckers but I reckon there will be different shades of skin, not just coffee, Curry didn't mention the Chinks, billions of the wee slitty eyed shites I think the future human will look a bit slitty and yellow also. I think the world well be so vastly overpopulated as no one listened to me to execute criminals and tards etc that the only 7 ft tall humans will be basket ball players as the rest of the world struggles for nutrition. Growing corn for fuel will starve the world you fools.

I think the only way we will become stepford people as Curry says is with constant plastic surgery.

Social skills, such as communicating and interacting with others, could be lost, let me guess, texting and a world of LOL! kill me now. When a 30 something says LOL!;) an angel loses its wings.

There won't be any emotions such as love, sympathy, trust and respect. Just like now then?

People will become less able to care for others. I shall look after the hot weemen, they don't need to return my love just lie there, I like it when they lie still.

Physically, they would start to appear more juvenile, which I don't believe as I've seen 12 year old boys who look 18 , Ten year-old gurls get their periods now by 3000 people will be born as adults........ouch! so glad to be male.
Chins will recede which has been happening in the south of England for centuries but will now be because people have to chew less on real food but going on what hes already said they will be small square chins.

I think evolution is a load of bollocks as its not in the Bible and especially if you believe Curry, obviously its radiation from the sun that will give us huge willys and the power to be beautiful people, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder who decides who is in the upper and lower classes? will there be tests? what if yer tall but ugly and stupid (Adrian Brody, Liam Neeson) or small and perfect (Salma Hayek, Dakota Fanning) what if yer a little bit of each?

All this talk of classes is oh so very British , one thing you can say about America is you won't find any class there, it makes no difference to them if you used to be a Hillbilly pig farmer, as long as yer rich you'll be accepted.

Dr Oliver Curry, he currently teaches Political Theory at New York University in London.

What is he 14 or something? doctors are getting younger everyday, why doesn't he get a real job? hes been courting the media rightly giving his over educated guesswork that can never be proven wrong unless I blog about it in the year 3000 opinion, it looks like this boy could be the next Richard Dawkins though I don't know why you'd want two of those boring cunts.

Oliver Curry who was hired by the bravo network must have been told, " Pseudo science gets ratings, don't over think it. Just read H.G.Wells, no here watch the movie Time machine, no one reads these days."

Get out in the world and you'll see how regressive the white gene is, Europe is desperate to get rid of anything brown and the birthrate is slowing amongst the whites, even in Russia they give away prizes so you have more Russian babies, in America theres widespread immigrant fear and hate and thats from a nation of immigrants. There won't be two forms of human, we are still too diverse for that, Curry sees things in black and white, speaking of white I'm sure the last of the Caucasians will be put into a nice reservation to live out their days until science can make them. Its doesn't matter what colour we'll end up even if we are all the same or just two different forms we will still find a reason to kill each other.

I have one thing more to say to these experts of the future, its 2007 where the fuck is my flying car and robot hoosemaid?

*A lying week* is an expression hardly used these days. When you start a new job you don't get paid the first week, thats called 'A lying week' you get that weeks wages if you leave that job and have to do a lying week for yer next job.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Mystery of history solved!

Portrait Of A Spammer

I was having such a *hard time thinking of what to post* due to being so distressed about people typing wanker in my comment box, oh the pain so here is a post about them. If you want the full story just go HERE

Everyone says ignore the spammers I say make them work for me and take the piss out of them at the same time.

The Spammer:

I wake up in the morning after a sleepless night because my court order ankle bracelet is chaffing like FAUCK FAUCK FAUCK YOU'LL DIE, my tourettes is quite bad today. Why do the police need to know where I am all the time? I swore I'd never go near a school again.

I look at myself in the mirror but not in the eyes and say, "you're a funny intelligent person and well liked, no matter what everyone says." After my daily affirmation its time for some fruit loops then off to the office.

To stay fit I skip to work while smacking two coconut shells together, I'm a unicorn named Dennis. I often stop to accuse people I don't know of being out to get me, its what I do.


I knew Manuel Noriega was in on it, go on say he'd never do a thing like that, as you have e-mailed with him twice and therefore know him, don't piss on my leg and tell me its raining. Next its oh you are so paranoid, these are the kind of people who get killed in slasher movies.

I work in Information Technology as a cleaner, not of hard drives but of shiny surfaces, its company policy to hire a mentally challenged window licker like on "L.A. Law" I love that show, I watch it every night though it ended years ago and I don't have a TV, I'm special. I tell people I'm an information technologer but spend the day making tea and cleaning when I'm not spamming and arguing with the water cooler.

I use lots of computers when the others are on their lunch breaks and have so many different faces, fuck I'm so clever and your not, I'm a dog, a monkey , a hat stand , several hot girls and one ugly girl, and many boring lords and ladies as I am ashamed of my working class parents, I have nightmares about having to do actual work .

Most of my blogs are victim blogs, these are half-assed boring as fuck blogs so when I spam people and they accuse me I say but look, I'm a blogger a victim myself, Lord Lookin, Goober the dog and monkey nuts comment on me I must a real bone fide blogger, clever huh? disinformation is the key, bloggers are sooo stoopid.

I check into my Nemesis' blog "Old Bitter Balls," yet another fantastically funny post, I don't know how he does it, yes! he has his comment moderation off , now to get the attention from him that I yearn for as he is the father figure and hunk of loving I have always wanted.

:::::sticks tongue out and starts to type::::: "The Monday club said.......wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker "etc :::takes a break:::: "Fiona said........looser looser looser looser "etc ::::::mis-spells it 20 times ah the irony::::::: oh no, Old Knudsen has slapped on his moderation and foiled my efforts to fill up his comment box, this isn't over Old Knudsen someday I shall destroy you for some reason I haven't thought out yet.

Later in the day I try again, but huh? my IP is blocked? I use another server to post ::::sticks out tongue again::::: "Mandy Onslow said....... . . . . . . ." fuck I'm so clever just dots heh heh I may go through a lot of trouble, time and effort but I'm sure Old Knudsen is crying because I type nasty things on his blog, I'm sure hes never gone through anything as bad as this in his life hehe.
Nothing good has ever come out of the jungle.

My mother did cheat on my drunken child molesting father by fucking a retarded monkey at the zoo but look at me, do I look I got any of the monkey retardness? (it was actually an ape, did you know that Gorillas have penis' no bigger than a pencil? true fact that, maybe they should have rubbers on the ends)

Oh no there goes the moderation again ,this isn't over Old Knudsen someday I shall destroy you for some reason I haven't thought out yet.

After a hard day of spamming , crap blogging and wiping up coffee spills I stick some sewing needles into my groin.

My life ambitions is to break my father's cycle of abuse, get off probation and destroy Old Knudsen but not in that order, now its off to stalk some of **my old boyfriends**, they think they can change phone numbers and addresses but I find them and their little bunnies FAUK FAUK WE WILL NEVER STOP, sorry there goes the tourettes again .

I wonder why I have no real friends, oh yeah, I know why.

*I'm only kidding duh!*

**I never said if this particular spammer was male or female or both.**

The funny thing is that the day before these people that are known to me started to spam me, I was considering taking a break from blogging. Now I can't/won't take a break I just keep making new blogs, they have suceeded in doing the opposite that they wanted to do, well done spammers, here have a banana.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Most Britons Could Be Obese by 2050

I'm fat but ya still want a taste of me Fatty Arbuckle. Call me a fat fucker if ya want, I can diet but you'll still be ugly.

I think it will happen in the next 10 years as we are well catching up on America, the country that saved us from the Hun only to make us fat and apathetic. (no offense to the fat apathetic Yanks) and I'm a bit of a chubby chaser anyway.

It took 250 experts over two years to come to the conclusion that fast food and lack of exercise will make the British fat. Experts in what? I want to see their time sheets and see what the cunts have been doing for 2 years, did ya clock out for lunch? how many sick days did ya have? when I worked for Tillyman's fish and chip shop I never took one sick day in the whole seven years I worked there, not even when I had pubic lice or leprosy, people all insisted that I should go to a doctor but I said "no, doctors are for the weak."

60 percent of men, 50 percent of women and a quarter of children and young people would be obese by 2050. I take it the non-fat people will be the ones with the eating disorders who work in the entertainment industry.

The government has pledged to draw up new plans to combat bulging waistlines, obesity problems costs Britain 45 billion pounds a year in healthcare, instead of treating fat fuckers wire their gobs shut and sign them up for a gym or send them out to dig ditches, 100 years ago there were hardly any fat people, bring back the days of poor nutrition and hard work, just look at the films from then, no gangs of chavs and people walked faster, they weren't happy but oh they were grateful for what they got.

Well don't worry, the International Obesity TaskForce have promised to respond rapidly and decisively....... After lunch.

I may have packed on a few pounds over the weekend, water retention and I'm big boned, especially in me arse, I will not be attacked rapidly or decisively. I shall sue those fat experts, the task force and the government for discrimination against fat people, then I shall get lipo and a tummy tuck as a gym sounds like hard work and it smells.

Abu Gravy

The inhumanity of war but with weemen, when will it stop? all I need is one more minute then it can stop.

Ogre Love

Now fellow blogger Eddie Waring claims er I means states convincingly that he is not ghey (no matter what his wife has told me in confidence) so him dreaming of giving a blow job to Shrek , a grumpy ogre with a Scottish accent doesn't mean a thing, it doesn't mean hes obsessed with anyone of the same sex though I have woken many times in the night to just find him standing over me wearing nothing but a smile, yes lad it is cold in my bedroom its not just you. For the full disgusting account click HERE

To answer Eddie's question to me from a private e-mail, yes lad its ok to shout out DON...................KAY! while having sex with yer wife. Thinking about it is not cheating.

Monday, 22 October 2007

If You Can't Make Friends, Make Friends

I say I'm Lord Lookin, did I tell you about General Calumny Warner's funeral? I met him in [insert boring lifeless post here]

I was trolling the blogs today (not on my blog roll) and you know what? there is the biggest pile of shite out there complete with their yes men to comment.

When someone has B.O. you tell them they fucking stink right? so when someone is is a dry shite and the only funny bone they have is when their boyfriend shoves one into their arse then you should tell them right ? yes I know I'm setting myself up to be told I'm not funny, don't be silly, I may have the odd miss but every day?

Anyway I must be funny as so many have started to copy me.

Notice the odd older established blogger posting titty pictures and being more daring? ok they can't really do it but bless their tiny brown willys, or others pretending to be as interesting as old Knudsen and think they call themselves some kind of lord people will want to know? been there twat, I'm a time lord.

Some hints and tips.
If yer southern English don't try humour.
The aristocracy are not interesting.
Write what you know, in fact I told my old mate Ernie Hemingway that one.
Stop thinking about how yer going to make money blogging all the time and just blog.

In my opinion the Irish make the best bloggers but can hold themselves back, of course me not being a full bloodied Bog trotter is the exception to that rule as I have to be the best blogger in the world, well do you lot get spammed as much as me? Elvis, John Lennon, Lincoln and JFK didn't get shot because they were mediocre, others were threatened by their greatness .

I'm Monkey Nuts, I grind my own organ, yes its a small one.

Goober the dog here.

Holly Hatstand, c'mon put some thought into it.

There wasn't anything like me in the Blogosphere when I arrived but there will be when I'm gone so I'm going to invent all the aristocratic and anthropomorphized characters I can think off so those who "hate but emulate" will owe me big time, not like those soft living over educated cunts have ever been to sea , war or work so me working class characters are safe.

The Cabinet Is Burning

Blair: And then he'd corner me and thump me on the shoulder, saying that I was asking for it.

Bush: Don't put up with that shit Tony, reshuffle.

Blair: No G Dawg I honestly believe he'll change, hes promised me it'll be like it was before.

A new book by political writer Anthony Seldon claimed that Tony Blair felt like an "abused and bullied wife" as speculation grew over his resignation.

Not only did tempers flare between Blair and Brown but one of Gordon Brown's allies Ed Balls was increasingly rude to Blair and *exacerbated* feelings in both camps by blaming Brown for not having the "balls" to lead a revolt against Blair.

Mr Balls has denied all of this as nonsense, and said that Blair was just a little bitch, "Ex Prime Ministers are like gardens" he said "They need a good dig every now and again."

Tony Blair was in therapy at a safe location and was unavailable for comment and Gordon Brown (texture like sun) didn't want to deal with it .

*Old Knudsen increased his wordpower by watching "Shawn of the dead."*

Sunday, 21 October 2007

I Wonder If The Ball Gurls Grunt

Woo hoo I need my stray balls handled missus.

The Madrid Masters tennis tournament they have fired the shitty wee local kids and hired Hugo Boss models as ball gurls, that sounds hot doesn't it?

I get so incredibly horny when I see a miserable looking anorexic gurl built like a 12 year-old lad bending over.

The models were given two weeks of training to learn how to pick up stray balls and when to hand towels to players to wipe off their sweaty rackets, difficult stuff. They aren't given any lunch breaks as they have to be retrained afterwards, also they are weak from the after lunch from all the vomiting .
Many have slammed this ball gurl idea as sexist but I shall answer this call by calling them anti-sexists, shame on you, show some tolerance, would you rather have yer *average male tennis viewer* wanking off to a couple of local teens or some skinny tarty ball grabbing weemen? I rest my case.
*If a male is watching tennis then hes either ghey or is watching female tennis players that do that hot grunting and flash their knickers.*

Saturday, 20 October 2007

Porn Or Acting?

I'm not sure if this is method acting but it doesn't look very impressive, here is Robert De Niro and Gerard Depardieu in the movie "1900" which I believe is about the 1900 Spartans who fought the Iranians at Thermopylae but don't quote me on that as I may be drunk and high on pain killers.

Here is a piece of the dialogue at this moment:

DeNiro: Did you see the footie on last night?

Depardieu: oui l'arsenal était merde.

Touched By A Dumbledork

Jk Rowling the hack that wrote the Harry Potter books was answering questions from the audience at Carnegie Hall, New York and when one of the audience members said that her books were so ghey she said, "funny you should mention that because Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts is a wand stroking flaming homo ."

Everyone was stunned except the gheys as they think that everyone is ghey anyway.

Well it explains why Harry was made "head boy" and got such good grades, stay tuned for Daniel Radcliffe cumming out of the closet in years to cum, its so obvious, and no I'm not ghey.......... well maybe just a little bit.

Genghis McCann

My old friend Genghis McCann from Glasgow had dozens of children and never lost one of them.

Lock Up Yer Children

I don't know what the deal with the giant dripping cock is, something Feniany no doubt.
It has been suggested that the Pope is to visit Northern Ireland.

By the power of Christ I compel you to let me touch yer willys.

Those Zany Swiss

The Swiss show their tolerant, sensitive side with this poster explaining what will happen to immigrants who break the law in Switzerland. The white sheep being the Swiss and the black sheep being the law breaking wog, funny as fuck the Swiss are.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Golf Is So Ghey

We stood side by side in defiance under the Saltire against tyranny until it was time for tea.

Billionaire Donald Trump has earned the nick-name Donald Cunt around Aberdeenshire. I read about this from Manuel as who the fuck would read the Times except for a pretentious jumped up control freak waiter? So anyway Michael Forbes, a salmon fisherman who has lived on his 23 acres for 40 years was asked to sell his land by Donald Trump so he could put in a billion dollar golf course. When Mr Forbes didn't sell they went nuts and threatened him with a life of misery, what were they going to do? spam his blog? oh dear scary scary.
Trump and his people are doing the usual thing by making Forbes out to be a cunt who has been abusive and his land is messy and full of junk , this rather attractive man who may or may not be one of my many children was living in quiet simple peace when these bullies came round to spam er to force him to sell his property.
I care not for Trump hes an arsehole, I mean just look at that hair and his lack of class, if I see him in the street I may very well give him a dig in the head.
I quickly jumped into my private jet and joined Forbes for a photo op of support, Trump doesn't stand a chance, off to the wanker's gallery for you Donald Cunt, yer fired!

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Questionable Questions

I was going to do this deep and intellectual post about the inner city latch-key kids but then I remembered who reads this shit and I can't stand kids so here are some hard hitting questions to tide you over until work finishing and you get to the pub.

1) Is it safe? Is it safe?

2) try to get past the pink shirt, why does David Arquette look like hes shit himself all the time?

3) If those lazy scrounging fuckers in Africa stopped wasting all their money on laundry detergent so their clothes are always clean and colourful would they still be starving?

4) Is this lad yer new hero or what?

5) Is it the herbs and spices or the way its cooked that makes them taste so delicious?

6) I'm too manly for sports but I could watch cheerleaders jumping around all day, am I the only one?

7) Why does bush keep doing this?

8) Who was that masked man?

9) This lass keeps begging me to shag her, should I give into her to give my head peace?

10) where has the First Minister of Northern Ireland's thumb been?
The first one with all the correct answers wins a holiday to Zimbabwe. The exchange rate is great right now, something like 300,000 Zimbabwe dollars to 30p or 60 cents.