Saturday, 30 June 2007

Its Called 'Great' Britain For A Reason.

For full affect hum "land of hope and glory" aka "pomp and circumstance ."

They want to kill you in the name of Allah with their bad driving, what fuckers.

So anyway I was standing at Glasgow Airport minding my own business waiting for Jimmy the stain to get through security hoping they did not check up his hole when "WHAM!" I saw George Michael then seconds later a car crashed into the terminal, I don't think Mr Michael had anything to do with it.

A Jeep Cherokee was a blaze, two Asians had rammed the building with a car full of petrol bombs in a terrorist attack. I just thought that chinks being the worse drivers in the world crashed into a big fuck off Airport by accident.

Along with the car bombs in London its just like the 80's all over again, the IRA were into blowing people up before they all became Bloggers (I know who you are) and the Iranians were into driving cars full of bombs into things.

Where is Tony when we need him? we can't give into pricks like this, Gordon Brown (texture like sun) had better not cave in like Spain did, that would be dishonouring those that stood up to Hitler, those wounded at Canary wharf the dead of the Brighton bombing the Harrods bombing not to mention Omagh , Enniskillen and the Iranian embassy .
If you back doon from these crazy fuckers it will be more embarrassing than the Hostages Iran held earlier this year . Who hasn't been bombed by terrorists? c'mon its been a way of life for Northern Ireland for the last 30 odd years, its not very nice when the masked cowards attack but you can't let them win, we'll have them beat by Christmas, it may be Christmas of 2037 but we'll still win.

Remember Muhammad Old Knudsen still thinks yer a cunt so cum and have a go if you think yer hard enough, I'll shove my boot up so far up yer fatwa you can taste the dog shit I just stepped in.

Dear Land of Hope, thy hope is crowned.
God make thee mightier yet!
On Sov'reign brows, beloved, renowned,
Once more thy crown is set.
Thine equal laws, by Freedom gained,
Have ruled thee well and long;
By Freedom gained, by Truth maintained,
Thine Empire shall be strong.
Land of Hope and Glory,
Mother of the Free,
How shall we extol thee,
Who are born of thee?
Wider still and wider
Shall thy bounds be set;
God, who made thee mighty,
Make thee mightier yet
God, who made thee mighty,
Make thee mightier yet.
Thy fame is ancient as the days,
As Ocean large and wide
A pride that dares, and heeds not praise,
A stern and silent pride
Not that false joy that dreams content
With what our sires have won;
The blood a hero sire hath spent
Still nerves a hero son.

Shit Its The A-Team.

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...the A-Team.

In the 80's I tried to get back into acting, hoping to slip in under the long noses of the Jews that had blackballed me from Hollywood, see previously on Old Knudsen. Little does the average punter know but I was one of the original members of the hit TV show The A-team, there was Colonel John " Hannibal" Smith, (George Peppard) Sergeant Bosco "Bad Attitude" Baracas, ( Mr. T, Lawrence Tero) Lieutenant Templeton "Faceman" Peck (as played in the pilot by Tim Dunigan) and me who played Captain B.B. "Howling Mad" Knudsen the mentally disturbed Nam vet pilot, and there was of course a token broad as a news paper reporter.

George Peppard was the star and he made sure everyone knew about it, the biggest trailer with a vibrating recliner, he'd always start off conversations to the director this way, "when I made breakfast at Tiffany's, this was my best angle" or "during the making of Operation crossbow close ups of me worked better on 90% of the takes."

The rest of us hit our marks and said our lines .

I am from the school of method acting, Brando, De Niro, Keitel, all pussies, I became Howling Mad Knudsen.

One day the director came to me, "Soren, I just don't think you're feeling the character, the man has been to war, hes seen things he shouldn't have seen, they all have but Howling mad, took it worse."

Its true I wasn't feeling my character, how come the Vietnam vet ex special forces couldn't hit anything they shot at, and no one ever died? was this why they lost Nam? plus my fake American accent was on power with Madonna's fake British one, the director finished with these words,"George thinks you should be more loopy." I didn't understand as character was up in a plane not chasing Charlie doon tunnels, why was he the crazy one? maybe a chemical imbalance?

What was with Mr T's chains? did he wear those in the jungle? oh no its a little bodybuilder with excessive jewelry quietly creeping up on us, camouflage lad shape, shine, surface and silhouette.

I went home for the day and thought about it all, I rented out Apocalypse now, One flew over the Cuckoos nest and Chitty chitty bang bang, I was going to become Howling mad Knudsen and become the breakout character of the 80's, this was going to make me bigger than Rocky.

The next day I went to the studios with a plastic bag filled with acting prop. I hid behind my entrance mark and prepared myself with prop on cue I ran out, my face covered in my own feces, licking it from my fingers and clucking like a chicken, I then jumped onto George Peppard's leg and started to dry hump it.

I had become Captain B.B. Howling Mad Knudsen, I was the greatest actor in the world.

After they fired me and I got out of the mental hospital hospital I heard that a Dwight Schultz had gotten my role and was now Howling Mad Murdock, he was somewhat successful and I hold no grudges, even though his name sounds like a nazi or something, that fucker.

Face had a nervous breakdown after seeing me rape George Peppard's leg and was replaced by Dirk Benedict. Peppard called me several times after that asking me out, I had to change my number, they just didn't understand the art that is acting.

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Gurl Interupt...............

Here it is people, I can vouch for the authenticity of this picture as I took it during our honeymoon on the Isle of Man. Angie as I call her was a ninja in the sack she liked me to take a dump on her chest and smear it in, little did she reckon on my stomach problems and I totally pebble dashed the poor gurl. The marriage was annulled when I refused to adopt 3rd world children that matched her handbags.

I haven't seen or talked to vagina mouth (my pet name for her) in years. I hear she just got a snakeskin Louis Vuitton and will be soon touring the 3rd world burn units for a new child, well good luck to her and Brad (or vagina mouth as I call him) and remember, if you want a long life together only co-star with really ugly actors/actresses, that Billy Bob Thornton cunt must slip the weemen mickeys or something I mean what was that about? the rebound from me?

On a non naked celebrity topic I visited two Blogs one Brit one Yank and left two of my amazingly witty comments , on the word verification on the first one was "Smenita" I liked the look of that word so I wrote it doon, about 5 minutes later commenting on another Blog the word verification also said, "Smenita" now I have to find out if this is a message from the grave in some dirty lingo or my computer is talking to me again. All I know is that its definitely Blogjinx©.

Blonk Of The Day.

Fame at last for Annie Rhiannon has made This Post Here the Blonk of the day. Not a nice subject but an important one. All the more special as Annie is a fantastic Blogger herself, a post inspired by her and so she has become a Knudsen Muse. I have also found myself to be on Chumster which is a Blog about Blogging, fuck my head is big, remember people when you stop talking about me I'll cease to exist.

He Has To Be English.

I love to get input from my fans that read my blog, not people I'd want to meet in real life but still I like to grace yer lives with my greatness showing you what with a lot of work and an insane amount of luck* you too could be the worlds greatest blogger.*

I get people sending me pictures saying, "I saw this picture and I thought of you," never a bold warrior holding a sword aloft shouting, "by the power of grayskull" but either something quirky or some painful testicle torture. Are you trying to tell me something?

The picture above has been sent to me twice, do all my readers have these fantasies about me? how many of you masturbate to my blog? I'm just asking as I do that to yer blogs all the time.

*only kidding*

Shooting People Gives Me An Erection.

A US soldier aiming at some Canadians probably, whose side are those Canucks on anyway?

The US military who being the most wise and highly trained group in the world and who have made blue on blue into an art form have decided to hit the insurgents hard.

The plan is to replace all the AK-47s as used by Iraqi soldiers and police with US made M-16 rifles. The M-16s require more training to maintain and correctly use it and takes different size ammunition .
A picture of the sand monkey and the serial number of the weapon will be taken to keep track of them as they don't have a fucking clue who has what weapon there at the moment and as the police and army are full of insurgents weapons and ammo goes missing.
If they have a more troublesome weapon that you wouldn't steal and a size of ammo that won't fit the terrorist rifles then you've cut doon on their supplies and cost to yerself.
The US government who are always quick to make a buck have charged the fledgling Iraqi government 2 billion dollars for the honour of buying these weapons and a steady supply of US ammo.

I like to watch the news and to look at the various armies of the world, in Thailand you see soldiers using M-16s and soldiers in India and Africa marching and dressing like British soldiers, its like writing "we wuz here."

Made by Mikhail Kalashnikov a Russian tank sergeant in 1947 which was handy as it was called a Kalashnikov, if it was made by Michael Shufflebottom it would just sound silly.

In my opinion the AK-47 or Kalashnikov is a better weapon, more powerful and you can drag it through hell and it will still work, hardly any jamming, you can fire its 30 round magazine with one pull of the trigger any mong from a 3rd world cuntry can pick one up and use it, and do, there are around 70 - 100 million worldwide you can pick one up in Africa for $50 or on yer QCV shopping channel.

The M-16 has been used in all the wars America has lost since Nam, "keep it clean or it will jam" as my old mother rest her soul would say, less power and fires in bursts of 3, around 7 million of these worldwide, a good weapon in well trained hands but training costs money.

So what they are doing is changing weapons for a less powerful and less reliable one than the ones they are up against , keeping US Marines there longer to train the men in using them and keeping a US lifeline or connection with the arms deal as I'm sure that's what the Iraqi government wants, I mean they would be fucked if the Yanks left .

It all sort of makes sense but then you think, nah its a silly idea and one wrote up by money grabbing pencil pushers. If a half decent soldier found a M-16 and an AK-47 and he had to go into war with one of them, which one would he pick?

And to think I was going to post a naked picture of Angelina Jolie, well its yer lucky day maggots.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

A Whale Of A Time.

Shes laughing at you man, no shes laughing at the death of history, Eskimo vampires have little or no regard for anything but bad apparel .

A part of an exploding harpoon dating back to 1890 was found in the body of a whale.
The bowhead whale was killed by indigenous hunters off Alaska as part of their subsistence quota.

The bomb like weapon lodged in the shoulder of the whale and went off but didn't seem to bother it too much as it remained alive to this day.

Fuck that must of hurt.

Those indigenous hunters or Eskimos to you and me have been allowed to hunt whales for the last 20 years because its part of their lifestyle, why are they not on reservations? its part of my lifestyle to beat up Catholics but some stupid law says that's wrong, it was ok for Cromwell and Henry the fucking 8th.

Imagine surviving an attack from civilised whaler types like myself only to have some Nan nook of the north in a canoe kill you 100 years later, fuck that whale must have been right pissed off.
I've survived the Crusades, Genghis and Chukka Khan, The charge of the light brigade, Flanders (no not Ned) Dunkirk and Normandy, Nam, Korea town, The Falklands and numerous others, my fear now is falling in the bath and breaking my head which is why I only wash with hand cloths and sand paper.

If I went round slashing up Picasso paintings people would be in an uproar even though he was a shite painter , well this whale was well over 100 years old, it 'was' living history so I say wise the fuck up Nan Nook, its the 21st century get a real job ya slitty eyed cunt, if I have to change my ways I'm sure you can too.

If the whales could speak I'm sure they would say, "fuck this Global warming shit what about the crazy Nan Nooks with the pointy things?"

A Very Special Lady.

The Queen and her consort Prince Phillip toured Pinewood film studios this week and stopped in during the making of a new feature film 'The Bukkake Brothers 3' a movie featuring 80's pop princess Sheena Easton . Protective eye wear was given to the royal couple in case of rogue money shots during the exciting movie climax. The Queen and Prince Phillip then met the cast and shook hands.

Tina Callow one of the fluffers said afterwards, " The Queen had a good firm but gentle grasp I told her she'd be a natural fluffer." Ah miss Callow you don't know the half of that woman's talents.

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Where Do I Send The Bills To?

Here is a naked Jennifer Aniston who is Brad Pitt's partner in the Plan B production company.
Xmichra said about my Brad Pitt naked pic: "But to be fair you should show his partner too."

Done, I do like to please.

Jungle Jane asked for: Axl Rose nekkie please. If you can get a shot of his asshole too I can make it worth your while.

That was a toughie as he is a total has been and not news he is also walking asshole and posed for me at this club he was performing at.

Well thats what he told me his name was, he said he'd be whoever I wanted him to be, pretty handy huh?

Monday, 25 June 2007

Peanuts and Caramel.

Police suspect he might be a fucking nutter.

Bonney Eberndu, 36, of no fixed address, was arrested at Camberwell Green bus garage, in south-east London, the charge, shitting in trains and not doon the toilets, they caught him on the CCTV doing his big jobs 22 times over the last three months, he caused more than £20,000 worth of damage and earned the name "The Gravy Train Bandit" due to the consistency of his poo they could tell he was a big 'Snickers' fan (formerly called Marathon) as it looked like peanut soup and staked out sweet shops near the train stations .

When asked if he was responsible for these mindless acts of pooism he said, "I think I make a stinky."
I can't be arsed today so instead I'm off to look at yer Blogs and leave insulting comments, if I don't then that means,1) yer post was shite, 2) you posted a Youtube or a meme *donc* shite,3) I don't like you,4) I couldn't think of anything to say about yer cute kitten/baby which was really fucking hideous,5) the nazis got me,6) I gave up,7) there is no 7, 8) I'm too busy laughing at yer pathetic life,9) I have a crush on you and I'm shy, 10) just fuck off.
*silly French word for 'therefore', I like it.*

Sunday, 24 June 2007

Chip Is Food.

If yer parents named you 4-real, Chip, Rainbow,Tad, Britney, Normandy , Skip, Run or fucking jump wait until they are sleeping and punch them in the head, thats fair.

You Fucking Smart Arse.

"They killed Kenny, you bastards."

Two year -old Georgia Brown, from Hampshire, scored 152 in an IQ test - putting her in the top 2% of the population for her age and has become the youngest ever female member of British Mensa.

After 45 minutes the gurl needed a nap or she got cranky.

Georgia was crawling at five months, walking at nine months and, by 18 months, she was having proper conversations and running a small country.

She is able to answer questions five and six-year-olds can't. "The test uses questions like 'If brother is to boy, then sister is to ...?'. She can hold a pencil, draw a circle and knows her colours. Questions like,"who is the green Wiggle and why hasn't the one in the red shirt died yet ?" didn't fool her.

I don't care how old she is how cum she gets easy tests? I did a Mensa test years ago and only got my name half right. I can draw circles and know that sister is to disappointment and probably teenage pregnancy.

I could have an IQ of 200 and stick that on my resume and get a job as a Judge or Porn star or a Judging Porn star, " I sentence you to suck on my balls" or "Death by rimjob."

I'd like to ask that gurl some simples questions myself like,"what colour should the Starboard light on a boat be?" and "Is Tomato a vegetable or a fruit and what then is Simon Cowell?" we'll see how smart she is or is she just book smart and can't survive at the end of the world when it becomes Knudsen eat dog? those people will be my happy meals when I , "Mad Knudsen am the road warrior."

Free The Niolk Two.

I'm sure no one wants to see Brad Pitt's mutilated cock.

The slutty bird known as Fat Sparrow called in a few favours and has got me to join the repulsive campaign to "Free Niolks balls", it seems she has a thing for ginger Irishmen, I have a thing for them too, its called a death camp.

Niolk's purple papal bollocks, he has gone from blue balls to purple balls because hes 43 and still a virgin.
Due to my outstanding success with the "Get naked Brad" campaign that was more like a drunken dare than the need to see Brad Pitt's cock I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Niolks diseased purple balls in no time.

If you have anymore Celebrities (or Bloggers) you want to see naked just let me know and I'll send you my price list. I on the other hand have a compulsion to see everyone naked before I die which was why I had that short lived (no pun intended) job as a mortician. I must yet again apologise to the Brando family for any distress I may have caused them but the man was a fucking legend, sorry folks those pics have all been turned over to the authorities............or have they?

God Will Help Me.

I'm trying to quit the cancer sticks and to help me are two of my grand kids from Sadie's side, the one on the left is Alice and the one on the right, no hold on shes Alice, Alice Alice who the fuck is Alice? ach nevermind I just say, "hey you gob shite c'mere." Fags are a danger to public health and possibly the sanctity of marriage, you go out and smoke fags all night and then cum home to yer wife, what is yer breath going to smell like?

Please leave encouraging comments to help me fight against the fags.

Next week I'm going to a Clan meeting, fuck I hope its not the Campbells.

Saturday, 23 June 2007

Say No To Discrimination But Kill The Sods.

I went to Sodomia once and they were indeed Godless. They didn't wear clothes at the dinner table, ate little crackers and laughed about how they pretend they are people, wouldn't eat pork but would pork a pig it was disgusting, instead of shaking hands they flick feces at you from a small pot they carry. I'm not into discrimination but if the Scouts could go and wipe them off the face of the Earth that could only be a good thing. I don't care about a Christian America, as long as its Protestant and run by a white man then that's ok.

Discrimination Weekend .

Ian Paisley jnr has refused to retract claims he made about gay people, he said ,"he was repulsed by homosexuals but didn't hate ghey people."

Part of his job is to ensure equality to all people, can he do this or not? aren't we all bias in some way? are you not allowed to have any opinions now? I think as long as you do yer job fairly its ok.

I'm not repulsed by homosexuals, I do cringe when I masturbate to ghey porn (whatever you have at hand) I don't want to see some poo pirates at their business, if they keep it to themselves in their own homes or dark back passages ways then go for it I defend yer right to pack fudge. Mr Paisley Jnr should learn that in politics you have to keep yer big free Presbyterian mouth shut sometimes. Politicians lie and change sides more than the CIA do that's the nature of the beast.

Just Pose For The Tourists Ya Cunts.

150 years of bad treatment from the whiteman and now they can't even get drunk, might as well off yerselves.

Australia is to ban alcohol and pornography in Aboriginal areas in the Northern Territory in a bid to curb child sex abuse. A report found evidence of abuse in each of the territory's 45 communities. High levels of alcohol and poverty for the situation.
Well that's what happens with people who have no future, they start to self destruct. It reminds me of 100 years ago with the Native Americans before the books made it cool to be an Injun and they got their casinos.

The lefties have already shouted, "racism or fascism" and will no doubt run alcohol up to them for a profit or to protect their rights, these are the same morons that shout "racial profiling" when the peelers question Muslims or Black people. If they weren't the biggest cause of plane to building murders and crime levels they should be left alone but driving a stolen car high on meth, I don't care if yer green, yer going doon lad its common sense.
I have drawn up my own measures to ensure fairness, you'll get no racism on this Blog.

To protect Johnny black fella from diabetes and the urge to steal cars and beat his wife we will ban him from BBQ chicken and malt liquor .

To help Muslims live in the West without persecution I suggest we get rid of those silly robes they wear and put them into camps and make them Protestant, they'll be so happy to have a sensible religion, and once they taste bacon it'll make up for them never being able to get into Heaven.

Cuff Links, Asians whatever will have their cars and bad cigarettes taken from them and I'm sure modern medicine can do something about those eyes.

Poles and Irish will get make overs so they don't look like time travelers from the 80's.

The Germans will have their children taken away to put a stop to any future wars and because Germans are all Pedos if you go by the shite meter searches.

Latinos and Eyeties will be degreased and given counseling to explain why siblings aren't fair game for a shag.

The Africans, I hate to see the Hollywood celebrities close to tears when they talk about Dafur or the Congo (who the fuck is DR Congo?) so to save George and Angelina the pain we'll just seal up the cuntry and nuke it, that's yer aids and immigration problem well solved .

So Darkies, you aren't so special yer just easier to shove around, well I'm off to look at some porn and have a drink and wogs observe, its grown weemen, not children I'll be thinking about, well maybe George Clooney too.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Warp Factor Sex.

"C'mon, you have to be able to feel it now, its ready to launch."
A while back when the fishing wasn't bringing in enough money to live on I looked for work further a field, well not exactly a field more like a space.
I signed aboard the USS Enterprise which was just about to embark on its 5 year mission , to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations and liberate whatever things of value they had, to boldly go where no man has yet messed up.

The aptitude test was easy, "Do you like science?", "Do you like responsibility?", " Are you good with machines?", "Do you like to thump people and brag about it?" I bet ya can't guess my answers. They thought it best I go into security.

The flaming red shirt and tight black Capri trousers seemed abit ghey but you know me, I'm ghey for pay besides I liked the camel toe it gave me balls.
The captain was a nut job named Captain Kirk, a strange fella, from Iowa I believe which is famous for the crazy bastards that live there. I think the corn those corn fed fuckers eat has been genetically altered a bit too many times .

The Enterprise was the only ship that required the men to wear the skin tight trousers and the ladies to wear fish nets and mini skirts. Kirk would always be ripping his shirt and offering to wrestle nervous crewmen, the nickname he got was Captain Grab ass, he heard it being said one time but thought they said, "bad ass" and that added to his swagger.
Doctor McCoy loved to watch the wrestling, he had the nickname "Boner." Kirk was always saying things that you didn't know if he was joking or not, his favourite was, "Phasers on date rape" which would always get an excited giggle from the doctor. When he was to be beamed up he'd say,"Scotty beam me up" then he'd mumble, "in the ass" and Scotty not hearing that would say,"aye Captain" causing the doctor to almost wet himself.

The executive officer 'Spock' was a cool character, half Elf half English man, a queer combination if ya know what I mean, looking doon on everyone cos he went to public school to learn how to be buggered and fire off sarcastic quips, that bloke was always on his Pon farr it seemed, penis issues no doubt going by ear size is no indication .

Everyone knows that Asians and people with Jesus stickers on their cars are the worse drivers ever but still we had a fella named Sulu drive the Enterprise , he made me feel uncomfortable the way he undressed me with his slitty eyes.
Just something odd about that fella, I can't place my finger on it.

The only other Jock on board was Scotty the chief engineer, he liked his drink but it made him depressed and insecure, he was always looking on the dark side, "ya cannae do it" or "shes not gonna blow shes a leezer" he really got on my tits, he caused half of the engine's problems just so he could fix them and look like the hero, that's how insecure he was.

We started out with a compliment of 50 security guards, in no time it was doon to just me and Ensign Pulver, it was like Nam all over again, you weren't there asshole I don't want to talk about it.

We'd draw straws to see who would go on away missions with weemen in the landing party. I made sure Pulver drew the short straw, he wasn't much of an artist.

Weemen on the landing party means the rest of the party are distracted by trying to see her giblets when she bends over or kneels doon, and while I like giblets I also want to see the Liver Ripper from dalron 4 creeping up on us to rip our hearts out (misnamed it was) anyway the charming and powerful alien on the planet usually gets the gurl, she stays behind to "study" them if you get my meaning.
"Aren't you a pretty one? you're going to be ripped apart by my lovin."

Poor Pulver had his head blown up by a piece of alien rubber with tinsel on top a week before the 5 year mission was canceled due to lack of interest.
The crew went their own ways, Spock was slipped some acid and went through a hippy phase trying to achieve some form of uptight enlightenment. McCoy defended himself against charges of fondling unconscious patients he soon found peace in the Priest hood (which is the neighbourhood where all the Priests live) Scotty was tried for sabotage and Kirk became a Rear Admiral with Sulu as his head man.

Chekov didn't exist as even in the 23rd century they wouldn't have a Russian on the command deck. Ahooryou didn't exist either, who would put a neck wiggling angry black woman on communications ? "we be axing you 2 surrender or we'll open up a can on your whitey/greeny ass. " Its funny the shite some people make up.

Watch And Shoot.

Currently having computer difficulties so if I disappear for 2 - 6 years depending on good behaviour don't be surprised .

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Making Friends All Around The World.

Ah the creatures of the night.

I found some people talking about one of my many posts and just loved the comments that followed so I thought I would share with you all. I shall expect a Fenian version of a Fatwa. "Wa? you calling me fat?" No comment was left on that post by the person that owned the blog that didn't like my post but they did put a link in the post, ah inviting the Devil in that was. Remember, pedos I don't care if you are the Pope, I'll take ya doon.

"I have read some ugly things like this too in the past and I got so sick I felt strongly that God did not WANT me to read them.That was a good and probably very truthful response you gave that pitiful soul, but just don’t let innocent eyes have to look upon such evilness very often…it will make you sick…physically after awhile. God bless."

I feel that God wants you to touch my willy.

"What a terrible post, it was written by a very pathetic individual.He’s obviously got some seriously deep issues in his own life."

And yer point is? I bet yer in the IRA, you seem the type.

"Ignore him, and all losers like him. He’s an enfant-terrible, a churlish provocateur, a moron, and an intentional jerk. If you feed the monkeys, or you hurl abuse at the monkeys, you still get the same treatment from monkeys. You have to stay away from the cage if you want the poo to stop flying. "

"I wish I could say something nice about him, but I can’t. "

Monkeys will feed you? you don't know much about monkeys you poopy head, nah nah!what about my shoulders? say something about how strong they look.

"The devil is alive and well."

Did I ever tell you what a convenient dumping ground for all the bad stuff the Devil is, that's why he was made up. I mean how can God be a God of love if he lets the bad shit happen? Satan is the fall guy a patsy.

"I just read the post. The guy is obviously very, very broken. Why are he and the other commenters so entertained by idiotic vulgarity? Lord have mercy on them, suxh wounded souls."

I ask this question all the time. I think they are sick of self righteous arseholes without a sense of humour and can clearly see talent when they read it, also I think they drink alot.

My as always intellectual reply to these back biters was, "I heard the Pope drinks his own jizz." gurn up ya silly buggers and remove the stick from yer pompous arses.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Take A Chill Pill Mohammad.

Ah true love conquers all, that and millions of pounds. Can ya picture them having sex? disgusting isn't it?

Salman Rushdie who was famous for writing The Satanic Verses in 1988 which describes a cosmic battle between good and evil and combines fantasy, philosophy and farce with lots of tits and Islamic hand jobs which also pissed off the Iranians enough to issue a Fatwa on him and then he........ I don't know, what else has he done? oh yeah he married that honey Padma Lakshmi as shown in the picture above giving rich ugly fuckers all over world hope.

Well for his services to literature and to annoy the Ragheads he was given a Knighthood. Probably an idea from his hot young wife to use him as bait to flush out Islamic Extremists, a very helpful and succulently moist gurl, God bless her .

Pakistan's Religious Affairs Minister Ejaz-ul-Haq and promoter of Islam as a religion of peace said in response to the Knighthood.
"If someone commits suicide bombing to protect the honour of the Prophet Mohammad, his act is justified,"

Pakistan's National Assembly unanimously condemned Britain's award of a knighthood and demanded it be withdrawn and if they don't then all Muslim countries should break off diplomatic relations with the UK. Fuck will that hurt our feelings.

Sir Rushdie commented about the situation saying," who gives a fuck ? just look at how hot my wife is" he then smiled and grabbed her arse, she squirmed uncomfortably.

Indian supermodel ,actress and award-winning cookbook author, her first name means Lotus in Sanskrit and Lakshmi is the name of the Hindu goddess of wealth. A fucking Hindu, just goes to show you that no one is perfect. It may be fun to convert her except after Rushdie shes probably converted to a leezer.

I have no idea why he got this, give it to Tom Clancy, he may be a Yank but what talent, that should piss off the Ragheads too.
Things like this show you who the pretend friends to the West are, " we are doing all we can to hunt doon Al Qaeda, well except for looking for them as they are our mates after all."

I haven't read the Satanic Verses, Rushdie is as ugly as Stephen King so therefore I have no interest in what he has to say, studies show that good looking people like me deserve the most attention, thank god for Blogs so you ugly fuckers out there get to talk to the likes of me.

So Islam are ya listening? the Prophet Mohammad is a big child molesting dog licker with a small penis, his premature ejaculation and inability to sexually satisfy a woman has turned him against all weemen and he is now a hateful, twisted individual who can only get his way with brute force and stupidity, he was doon the town the other night talking shit to Jesus and when Jesus lifted his hand to brush his long hair, Mohammad thought he was going to hit him and started crying,"don't hit me please, for I am a craven coward" did ya get that?

Ok Mrs Queen, crown me, c'mon knight me up cos boy would that piss off the Sandsavages. What not enough? Mohammad is so ugly when he joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals, when he walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras, his ma had to be drunk to breast feed him.

Here is Padma Lakshmi wife of Salmon Rushdie in case you missed her the other two times, did I mention she can speak 5 languages?

If this post offends any Muslims I just want to say, tough shit ya should all be protestants anyway so get over it, and stop blowing yerselves up you stupid cunts, at least the IRA only lost the odd finger, fucking amateurs.

The Big BM Is Dead.

Bernard Manning the foul mouthed comedian died aged 76, he had a kidney condition. Famous in the 70's he scared people with the jokes he might tell next, sexist, racist whatever he did them all. Its ok to make fun at the expense of others as long as you are willing to make fun at yerself, I think Manning knew this, he worked through the working man's clubs in the North of England and became a British institution though not always a popular one.

Baby Blogging.

Hot from Hollywood the latest picture of Suri Cruise, as you can see she is a nice mix of both her parents and whatever alien DNA was used. There is a little staff shortage at the Cruise mansion as little Suri tends to strangle the nannys with the power of her mind when they scold her for levitating. Doctors say they expect Suri to be fully grown within 2 years when she will start her plan to conquer the world with her army of giant transformer robots, be afraid be very afraid. Enjoy her while you can Tom and Katie, she won't be this cute for long.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Sex On The Beach Please.

I was feeling lonely and disconnected from the Universe so I did what I usually do, I drank till excess and masturbated over the comments on my blog but that wasn't enough . I took a walk along the sea shore to see if Mananan had washed up any gifts onto the beach. To my surprise I found something beautiful and amazing lying on the sand just waiting for me.

Right behind that stupid bint in the picture was a Bitters glass bottle, it had a note inside from 12 female porn stars, trapped on some island ,they are sick of the leezer action and need a man, they said they would be very grateful to whoever rescued them, yeah I'm sure they would, silly tarts imagine throwing away a Bitters bottle not too bright.

I got rid of the note and carefully washed the bottle like any sensible person would and I named her Maxine.

Bitters were alcohol disguised as medicine from the 1800's, they added a small amount of herbal bitters to gin so it may be sold without tax as medicinal liquor. The bottles came in various shapes and designs and are quite collectable. So a good day in the end, it doesn't get much better than that.

Happy Father's Day.

Meet Carlos, he is the founder of the Spanish branch of Knudsen Nation, a fan club/sect who will kill themselves or post rude anonymous comments at my bidding.

He claims to be my son which is highly unlikely as he is 34 and 34 years ago I may have been dating numerous "ladies of Spain" while I sailed aboard the "Lusty" but I made sure they washed their parts with Coca Cola after sex to avoid pregnancy, using Pepsi or Fanta would be just silly, condoms are for the afraid and besides they just don't feel right, anyway that birth control crap should be up to the weemen, yes I know by giving them this big responsibility I am sending the message "I trust and respect you as almost my equal" (like I could have an equal)
So Carlos who claims to be my son but sends me pictures of his erection all the time sent me this picture to show his devotion to the Knudsenite cause just for Father's day, what a fine fella and cum to mention it, what have you fuckers done for me lately?

I've had a busy Father's day this year . On Father's day I got more than the usual amounts of angry phone calls, messages wrapped round bricks and thrown through my windows, people causing scenes at my door , "you were never there for me, you never hugged me" yeah yeah yeah, that's the last time I give out my address to fellow bloggers.

For future reference people, I do not want to see yer babies, I don't care if they have a passing resemblance to me and lick at yer tities when they should be feeding.

Salma Hayek, it was great what we had and I love you but I'm not in love with you, after the baby is born and you get back into shape give me a call and we'll hit the pubs for old times sake.

They have to go and spoil it all by aging and getting pregnant, weemen can be so cruel sometimes.

The son I recognise (for legal reasons and the fact that he buys me stuff) Trevor sent me a card, then he phoned me up to wish me happy Father's day. I asked him what the fuck was I to do with a card? he eventually made it up to me by dropping off a case of beer and renting out a couple of movies 'Debbie does Dallas meets Cockzilla' I've been wanting to see that for ages I hear its got great special effects, a lot of Oscar buzz when it came out and the artsy film Cunt Gushers 2.

Based on a true story I hear and stars Toni Braxton, hubba hubba.

I hope all you Daddies had a good Father's day and remembered to point out to the wee fuckers all the stuff you have done for them and will do for them in the future (lie) so they don't bust yer chops about the lack of child support, hugs or general interest in their well being.

I sent my father an envelope full of Anthrax, its an on going joke we have, he sent me a box of feces for my birthday, ah we brabblers may argue and cut each other with broken bottles but you can't deny the love that's there, ach I'm getting all teary eyed, it must be the CS gas that some funny fucker just threw through my windy.

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Deport Them All.

The great deceiver, she had us all fooled, a Yank in Scots clothing.

Marguerite Grimmond was born in Detroit but moved to Arbroath home of hoors and slappers with her Scottish mother in 1929 when she was two, has been told she could face deportation as an illegal immigrant.
She left Scotland for the first time for a holiday in Australia. but when she returned, was told her American passport wasn't valid and that she could not stay in the country.

80 year-old Grimmond never applied for British citizenship and has been told after 4 weeks shes going back to the land of the free (range morons that is)

Her husband Dave from Angus has now talked to solicitors and sent off a cheque for £750 along with an application to become a British citizen. Five days to go before the deadline to leave she has to wait and find out if shes been successful or not.

Her mother was Scottish, she married Dave who was a policeman, her children were all born in Scotland and she assumed she was a Scot too, she didn't know she wasn't British, which leads me to wonder why she had a Yank passport.
Old people make me sick with their total disregard for laws of the land and rules of society, pushing in front of you in shop lines, their need to tell you what to do or what they have done in their long eventful lives. Grouchy fuckers with no patience, pretending to be so clueless while hating change as much as an Anne Rice Vampire, well that's enough about me .

Grimmond said "I don't know anyone in America. I would just be fair lost, to put it mildly, but I really don't think there's any more I can do. I don't think it will happen but I'm just leaving it in the lap of the gods."

Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law, we need to form some kind of armed vigilante group to protect Scotland from these Illegal immigrants, maybe we'll call it the "15 minute tea-break men" coming over here,marrying the men our weemen don't want to marry, posing as Scottish all the while laughing about how small everything is compared to the States.
I bet she sneaked across the border from England, we need a fucking big wall like in the olden days. Whats that lap of the Gods crap? what is she a heathen too? oh the shame.

People like Marguerite are a threat to our way of life send her back to her people before they all start to sneak over to live their dreams of the Scottish way.
In a recent poll 67% of British said they thought there were too many immigrants in Britain, the rest couldn't understand English well enough to answer the questions.
Remember Immigrants aren't like real people, they eat babies and steal all yer garden ornaments , they don't have feelings like you or I so feel no pity, we have ours so fuck all the others.

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Schadenfreude Friday # 2

I told him not to go doon on Bloody Mary from the bakery but would he listen?

Howay The Lads.

Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne wearing his three lions England strip, no doubt about to say, "Howay the Lads" as Geordies are prone to do, a lot.

While tucking into my fish supper I was watching the news. Being a bit of a Geopoliticer I try to keep informed as a way to defeat the Nazis and the Islamic extremists is to stay knowledgeable, cold steel up them and knowledge they hate both of those things.

In Palestine that dirty terrorist group Hamas who a lot of the people support that would remind you of a certain Irish group with the initials SF has captured Gazza, we don't know if he is fit enough to endure captivity without alcohol and we don't know what strip he was wearing, no really Gazza's strip is vitally important to the whole stability of the region will it be Newcastle United? Lazio? Rangers? who knows?

The impotent gunmen of Fattah have holed up in the most secure place they can find 'The West bank' biggest vaults in the cuntry but tough to get a loan from and are shouting out threats and abuse to the more powerful Hamasoids .

I do not fear for Gazza and would like him to be martyred as I will never forgive him for singing 'Fog on the Tyne' and I think they should just nuke the whole area as those primitive cunts have been at it for 5,000 years since the earth was created and I'm not really caring too much anymore.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Fuck Me Blind Elmo.

Elmo loves you whether you like it or not, what a wee fucker can he not respect my wishes?
I was sitting in front of the telly with my service revolver drinking heavily to blot out the horrors of my past and to deaden the pain of my present existence then Sesame street came on, doesn't time fly went you're having fun, soon it'll be lunch time. I watched the little furry creatures singing and dancing in their patronising high pitched American way and I said to myself, lucky that Jim Henson fella is dead or I'd have yet another murder I'd have to explain.

That Elmo fucker was very annoying, whats his deal ? is he retarded like the big yellow bird? fucked if I can remember her name. I know I've mentioned the little red bastard before but that's what I do, I harp on and say things like, "will no one rid me of this retarded muppet?" in the hope someone takes the initiative. Any way I have always thought that 'tickle me Elmo' sounds like a euphemism for double clicking yer mouse, you ladies know what I mean, if you don't then take some time out and explore the land doon under, the stench trench of delight.
A stench trench on Valentine's day, yep washed and shaven just in case.

I did some research into Elmo for a new product to replace the tickle me one and this is what I came up with.

'Abuse me Elmo' I will await the anonymous comments saying,"I was abused by an uncle named Elmo this is not funny" well I disagree, an uncle named fester or Elmo is hilarious besides you were probably asking for it.

'Insider trade me Elmo' Martha makes me all full of the horn, I wouldn't mind trading inside her, or I wouldn't mind doing some time in her or I . You know what? I think you get the message, I'd give her the message alright.

'Eat me Elmo' the gift that keeps on giving.

'Whats the fucking point me Elmo?' after Mr Noodle the brother of Mr Noodle died things just weren't the same. hang all the reds.

'Suck me dry Stalin' Ever notice how much Elmo Looks like Stalin?

London Falling.

See we ain't got no high .Except for that one with the yellowy eyes.

Bush Is Loved By Albania.

What the fuck do they know?

While in Albania Bush was mobbed by hundreds of happy peasants one of whom stole his watch. I don't care what the Shitehoose spokesman said, you can see someone taking his fucking watch.

I'm not sure why they love him so much, maybe they saw the film "Wag the dog " and actually believed that the US would go to war with them. Let me guess there is a military base in Albania, lets hope it isn't Marines or the rapes and fights will put them off Yanks as what happens with Marine bases everywhere.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Bitter Time.

The fine heritage of Scotland, sold for a cheap photo op.

King's Own Scottish Borderers veterans will continue to fight in court against the regiment's merger with the Royal Scots and combine them with the Black Watch, the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders, the Royal Highland Fusiliers and the Highlanders in a new Royal Regiment of Scotland.
Their court case collapsed but they will continue with the idea that the Borderers could not be merged or disbanded as it was raised by an independent Scottish Parliament.
They said that if a law was required to create a regiment, one was also needed to scrap it, lets hope the English law makers play fairly for once.

Margaret Thatcher has made a call to save Scotland's six historic regiments.
She has condemned Labour's plans to amalgamate the regiments into a single super-regiment using the logic that everytime old rock has-beens make up a super-group its always shite.

She said that with the current threat of "evil", the nation's defences should be "strengthened not weakened the campaign to stop Labour's disastrous decision is a vital one,"

Conservatives claim that Tony Blair is guilty of "stabbing soldiers in the back" and whether or not you support the Conservatives or even like Thatcher they are standing by the armed forces and if you don't like them then you're just a civvie cunt, or an oppressed Irish person.

Think of the pride and the history that will be lost if the regiments are melted into some sterile new regiment. I think the world places too little value in heritage and those who have given their lives in the past, yep just forget them and their sacrifice.

The English have already started their mash up they will merge the Royal green Jackets,the 1st Battalion The Devonshire and Dorset Regiment Light Infantry, the 1st Battalion The Royal Gloucestershire Berkshire and Wiltshire Regiment Light Infantry into The 4th battalion The Rifles.

Lt Col Patrick Sanders, of the former Royal Green Jackets, described the merger as a "very happy marriage", which had not been forced.

C'mon, Colonel Sanders? I shit you not. I doubt the troops are happy, they joined some other regiment not The Rifles. Now all the other merged regiments can call their soldiers riflemen instead of private, something only the Green Jackets did before. Who gives a shit what the English do? they don't have souls you know, just like dogs and cats.

One time me and my boys were interviewed and photographed for soldier magazine, we were warned before hand by our superiors not to say anything derogatory so when you follow orders you have to be happy, I wanted to complain about the muskets we were issued but no it would be the Stockade for me if I did.

The logic to all of this is that if you make it 'generic' it will be cheaper and easier, you can have 10 generic rifle bases rather than 4 different expensive bases with different uniforms and traditions etc.

Back to the Jocks

A row has broken out over a £1.4m contract to supply 5,000 sporrans to the new Royal Regiment of Scotland, the Scottish feel it should be a Scottish firm that gets the contract, an English firm got it but sub-contracts to a Scottish one, scraps from the Sassenach table as usual, an Edinburgh firm of Sporran makers hadn't even heard of the contract, its a rigged game alright.

Don't worry a knitwear firm has made a special Shrek tartan for the ogre with a Scottish accent.
Its thought that there is over 50 million people across the world who can claim Scottish ancestry and at least one Ogre too.

So you fuck with the history of Scotland by getting rid of regiments that were hundreds of years old and who had taken the Eagle at Waterloo, been called "the ladies from Hell" by the Germans when they wore their kilts into battle and now you celebrate Scottishness by making an animated monster a kilt, next they'll do a movie tie in and make Shrek the mascot of the new Royal Regiment of Scotland. I like the way they put 'Royal' in the title just to remind us whose bitch we are.

Scottish history has mostly been made by the English through brute force the 8,000 villagers of Berwick on Tweed put to the sword in 1296 for example and the actual regiments that are to be merged themselves were of English device, the Jacobites had to go somewhere after their defeat.

Having been a soldier I understand regimental pride and also the feeling that part or yer own history has been taken away when yer regiment has been dis-banded and re-packaged as what happened to one of the ones I was in. Go click on ROAR in my news and stuff links if you want to read more about the group who is fighting to save the regiments.

Look how upset Grandpa is, go on just step into his killing zone and he'll knock ya into next week.

On the ROAR you can read how a Cavalry kit for the Queen's hoose hold guards cost £6,000 and their combat trousers cost £2,000 just for trotting about on horse back with swords for the tourists, never mind equipment for those in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Kieran You

So anyway you know the way the "yay I'm first!" bugs the hell out of me? this lad Kieran from the fool stop on my links there went into my archives and typed "Yay I'm first!" on to 12 posts that had no comments. Now my chest feels tight, my left arm is tingling and I have a copper taste in my mouth, I probably just need a shite. Ah Kieran my lad, I always knew you were an adversary worthy of me, it will be an honour to kill you in battle and rape yer dead behind as is the ancient Scots sign of respect, cutting yer head off to keep in my fridge will just be gravy.

On a side note, all of the weemen and the three young men that Kieran has had sex with in his life have all said that Kieran is always first and he does shout "Yay I'm first!"

Monday, 11 June 2007

Flash Gordon Will Save Us.

The future Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain (sometimes including Northern Ireland and at the moment Scotland) on the left talking to 110 year-old war veteran Bill Jenkins .

"Intelligence should be kept separate from politics. " Well Mr Brown you are spot on, the Americans cannot be accused of using intelligence as Bush is on his second term and everyone knows *America is #1 fuck yeah.*

* this would be sarcasm incase you Yanks didn't know.*

Yay! I'm A Cunt.

This gurl has manners, note how her pinky is erect as she sucks on her sicky cock treat. I wonder what this picture has to do with this little post not much I suspect.

Before I forget I'll tell you something that mildly bugs me, yes I know then you fuckers will be doing it more. When you are the first to comment and say something like "Yay I'm first" and then you say fuck all, what is this like some kind of OCD for commenters? you have to comment to say you're first? if I get any comments on this post I wonder what the first will be.