Friday, 30 November 2007

Knudsen The Impaler

She never called me afterwards, I feel so violated but in a nice way.

I just heard that working night shifts can cause cancer. Fuck sake I used to work night shifts as a grave robber back when young doctors needed cadavers to fondle and cut up that's when I ran into Count Dracula ::::spits::::: dirty Slavs, that fucker bit me in the neck.

I said hang on a minute Boris I'm not ghey its these trousers they are just a bit tight around the crotch, look you can see my bell end through them.

The dirty Slav bastard wanted to bite that too so I tricked him, I pulled it out much to that coffin packers delight and peed on him blessing it as it flowed holy piss Batman.

I became a Presbyterian minister on the Interweb so it burned him like fuck maybe it was the asparagus that burned him well it fucking well burned me, like pissing razor blades I think yer ma gave me the clap.
I told you he was a fucking up hill grave digger.

He ran off screaming that he smelled like piss as if that's a bad thing welcome to my world.

I staggered to the ER as my life blood seeped out of my neck.

Two doctors were telling each other how they felt while a nurse in room 218 was saying goodbye to an old dying woman who taught her how to live again the place was like a fucking soap opera, "hello I'm fucking bleeding to death here" after I filled out a form I was put in a cubical my clothes were cover in blood and I was feeling weak, in walked a good looking male doctor with perfect hair, "hello I'm doctor McSweatyarsecrack and what seems to be the trouble with you?" I mumbled that I was bleeding from the neck after being bitten by a Slav, he looked angry "nasty things those Slavs I'll get you a tetanus jab and top up of blood" he turned to leave his soft bouncy hair gently lifting in the breeze and I was able to call out "make sure its Scottish blood and not Fenian " as I passed out through loss of blood.

"I've got some good news and some bad news, the bad news is that you're dying, the good news is that I'm hot."

So I became a vampire but no ordinary vampire I was a crime fighting an evil hunting vampire, nah only kidding.

While most vampires move to America for movie deals and where the sun (our destroyer) is very hot I stayed in Killamory.

I only had to be careful about twice a year or summer as we call those days. In the North of the UK when people see the sun they either think its the end of the world or a UFO we vampires can walk in the daytime during cloudy days.

The cleaning lady only cums on Tuesdays

So being a vamp didn't change my lifestyle too dramatically. I had to wear black of course and slick my hair back oh and drain the blood from three people a day, if I missed a person I got grumpy as fuck. Its not as easy as you'd think to find victims to suck dry.
Its not like sex were you stick it in doon there, its more intimate, the last thing you want as yer sucking away is to see some head lice crawling yer way or see a bad case of dandruff getting all over yer black clothes.

Its hard to suck them doggy style so you can't avoid looking at ugly meals, if they are fat then you might miss the artery.

I'm not biting a bloke, maybe if it was Gerard Butler or someone but no I'm not having the rest of the vamps at the Tatty Twister (its a pub for vampires) saying I've gone all Transylvanian or Bohemian or whatever.

Children are safe cos I'm no pedo so that only leaves hot weemen, there is a sore shortage of hot weemen in the UK especially in Scotland where a woman is judged by her axe throwing abilities than her looks.
American weemen taste like plastic out gassing due to all the fake tits, the Canadian weemen are the ugly meals you have to bite while they are wearing bags but they are very polite. French weemen taste like garlic, I just don't like the smell of garlic nothing vampy and Russian weemen get you drunk with their high blood alcohol levels I went to Moscow for a visit and it ended up more like leaving Las Vegas I ended up on the 12 step program for alcoholics.

Meet my three brides, more like common in-law brides. You'd think turning three hot weemen into vamps would be great, 100 years for triple nagging and then they are off biting other men.

The older you get the less you can be arsed with hot weemen and all you can do is look at them while they make sure to stay out of arms length and I'm not as fast as I used to be.

So if you don't see me during a full moon then you know why I'll be off howling at the moon, no wait that's werewolves and the thing I do when I'm drunk as a skunk, pissed as a newt or intoxicated as a bastarding Lemur.
So if yer bit by Zoltan hound of Dracula do you become a vampire or just get rabies and die? ah such uninteresting questions my bloggers of the night.

So much for the three brides, divorce is not always hardest on the children.

I just thought I'd tell you this story as I heard that Dracula had just recently died of cancer, the night shifts of stalking virgin boys must have gotten to him, he got this big lump behind his ear, I blame his mobile phone I mean those signals just go through you to yer phone.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Nail That Coffin

A firm of Italian undertakers are using hot weemen in sexy calendars to show off its new range of coffins. They have sparked a flood of complaints in the staunchly Catholic country.

If this is in bad taste then call me tacky. I already equate dead bodies as being sexy so I don't see what the problem is, lighten up ya Fenians.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Evil Do-gooders

Appearing compassionate helps me get my hole, look how sensitive I am, I cry at sunsets.

Compassionate people piss me off, in fact at this time of the year the compassion button is flipped in many cunts and they walk about with a smile on their stupid looking faces humming songs about jingle bells which are as annoying as 4am car alarms and reindeers in need of a nose jobs, reindeers are dirty smelly animals that would either kick you or hump you to death during mating season, only fit for my dinner plate.

A rule of thumb, if it walks on all fours doesn't speak English and isn't Christian then the good Lord in all his wisdom has provided the soulless creature as food for the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong its ok to care about some things, like the safety of little children and hot weemen but if you also care about Africans, whales and world peace then yer just a walking pussy and need to be bullied.

Ever see the the film Beaches? I woke up in the middle and turned to my mate "sensitive John" and enquired " is that bitch not dead yet?" as he gurned away, he never forgave me for laughing at the end of that one, ah well that's what happens when you choose to watch that shite instead of a Lethal weapon film.

I understand about the likes of George Clooney going on about Johnny 3rd world fella, its good for his image but it gets draining after a while, emotionally and financially, everyone goes on about the cost of the war but never the cost of feeding the African militia that takes the food from the refugees they have just terrorised .

Africa is the place where civilisation started and then it got the fuck out and stayed out . (the middle east was the second home of civilisation funny huh?) The rock throwing primitives got their hands on some AK47s , even the so-called educated ones who say " I raped her because one time she came to my hoose wearing a skirt so I thought she wanted it" showers after sex because they think then they won't get aids. You want to stop the child soldiers? its called nukes the only language some people understand.

Speaking of which then there are those cunts who slag off the nuking of Japan in 1945, it all worked out well in the end did it not? people who say killing another person can in no way be justified are stupid twats, they hire others called the army or the police to stand up for them so they never have to be put into that situation and so can bathe in their moral superiority. A sheep with moral superiority is a thing to behold.

Get me a burka and 40 lashes stat!

Conscientious Objectors (CO) also annoy me, not the ones who really do believe not harming others due to religious beliefs or whatever but still go to war as medics or bomb disposal and show that bravery isn't an issue.

War isn't cool but I really do hate hippies.

The ones that are actually in the military and when a war breaks out they refuse to fight because they say "its an unjust war" or something stupid, those fuckers should be shot before they get the chance to run away.

I don't mind these hippies.

Or just those civilians who don't want to fight due to being cowards or political views, you know what they remind me off? when you work in the service industry there is always something dirty to do like unblock a toilet or clean up some mess, you get some worker that clearly states "I'm not touching that" as they go on yet another smoke break and talk to their friends, they are quite content to watch someone else do the dirty work, well that's what a CO does.

If you say "oh I just couldn't kill another human" then you haven't had someone break into yer hoose to do yer family harm or would you just stand and watch them rape yer children not wanting to get involved ?

Its the same with people that wouldn't kill animals for food but buy it in a shop that's delegating the killing so you can be morally superior.

Or people who say they wouldn't eat bugs as they squirm while watching Fear Factor, they just haven't been hungry enough, when yer hungry enough everything looks tasty, trust me on that. People say "I'm starving" when they skip lunch or if they have a cold "I'm dying with a cold" haven't suffered at all in my opinion .

In this post I've lumped compassionate fly by nights with cowards, the fact that they both hide in the left wing of hypocrisy is the common factor. You have to be a bit of both, left and right, good and bad to be of any use as a person or yer just a mouthpiece whose shit don't stink as you plan to go and feed the homeless at a shelter one time a year because its Christmas. Its handy that homeless folks don't eat during the rest of the year isn't it?

I've been feeling a bit bored and uninspired recently and have been posting on my news blog when I'm not here.

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Those Silly Sand Savages Are At It Again

Gillian Gibbons a 54 year old British schoolteacher in Sudan, may face blasphemy charges for insulting Islam's Prophet. This could mean six months in jail, 40 lashes or a fine.

She had a teddy bear brought in by one of her pupils and they voted on what they should name it. The six and seven-year-olds choose the name.

Twenty out of the 23 children chose Muhammad as their favourite name, no shit as the little buggers constantly get brainwashed about Muhammad.

The other teachers are calling this an "innocent mistake" I myself think maybe she should have put some thought into it as the people she is dealing with aren't big thinkers, it was some of the parents who made the complaint.

A threat to Islam

Men are gathering outside the jailhoose where Ms Gibbons is being held in Khartoum and her safety is in question.

Ignorance of the law isn't an excuse but c'mon those Muslim cuntries do have some stupid fucking laws.

Monday, 26 November 2007

Its A Whacky World

Raymond King the 67 year old Belfast man who was one of 154 people on board the M/S Explorer when it struck an iceberg in the Antarctic on Friday can't wait to get back to the safety of Northern Ireland.
Remember the blind man with the guide dog from Northern Ireland who escaped the Twin Towers on 9/11? fuck they get everywhere, I'm not saying they are jinxes but just watch them ok?

Aaron Dallas could hear and feel things in his head and thought he was going nuts, it seems he had about five botfly maggots growing in his head after a trip to Belize this summer. His wife thought he had something on his mind.

A woman who has been eating her hair for five years, had a 4.5 kg hairball removed from her stomach, she used to say she was retaining water but in reality it was soft bouncy silky hair, she was discharged from hospital and sent to a shrink.

An Indonesian man has been nicknamed "Tree Man",because he has tree like growths growing out of his body after a cut he got on his knee as a teenager and it became infected. He was sacked from his job, his wife left him and he was shunned by his neighbours but you should see the wood he sports.

The 35-year-old can't work because hes lazy and is a bit creepy with a thorny personality , he cannot use his hands and lives in poverty with his two teenage daughters.
He hopes that US Doctors can help his condition, (good luck on getting health insurance stick boy) he spends his days whittling small animals onto the feet.
His dream is to live a normal life and put doon roots somewhere nice.

Donna Campbell became suspicious of her husband when he kept turning the TV off and disconnecting the telephone. It seems him and his mates at work won 5 million on the lottery and he didn't want his wife to find out.
Being a sneaky woman she googled her husband and found him to be among the winners.
She confronted her husband with the words: "Do you have any news you want to share with me?" and is now suing him for her share.
I would have said, to her, "pack yer bags I've won the lottery." Take that what ever way you want to.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

I Need A Hero

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

The Protestant Orange Order of Northern Ireland hopes to win a new generation of fans with their own superhero.

The Orange Order may dates the 17th century battle for supremacy between Protestantism and Catholicism (the prods won BTW) but now they have high hopes for this 21st century makeover.

No more King William 3rd of Orange, the small skinny bloke with the curly wig they now have a muscular cape wearing superhero type who can beat the evil T.A.I.G. (Terrorist Arsehole and Irish Gheylords) empire run by Darth Fenian and his legions of Stormstickys.

Orangeman David Hume says the idea is to make themselves more relevant to the young and "appear less stuffy and more homo erotic ".

They are to send out the superprod on Christmas cards but still need a name for him, Orangeman is too obvious.

Born on the 11th night of July beside a bonfire and a bottle of "beat the wife" with the mystical red hand birthmark on his neck he was taught the ways of the Prod by his mother Mrs Fishwife who wheeled him in his stroller to Fishwife road blocks where they shouted "No Pope here" and called anyone who wanted to get on with their lives "Fenian fuckers" while blocking the roads with their babies.

The superhero has the power to be pigheaded and close minded, his battle cry is "No Surrender" and can go into a steroid induced rage at any moment knee-capping all around him including his fellow Prods, he also has sex-ray vision and thinks hes god's gift to weemen because hes tough.

He does have his weaknesses, he flinches if you say, "power sharing, peace process and decommissioning of weapons."
Here are my suggestions:

Captain Taig hater
Pumped iron to make up for his small penisman
Captain Shit-stirrer
Looks Ghyer than Johnny Adairman
The Knee-capper
Catholic master baiter-man
Bitterballs (I may have to copyright)

I can't wait to see his young side kick "Ulster fry" who has the power to throw half-bricks.

First Love Never Dies

I was just thinking about the first video film I ever watched, it was Hawk the slayer and it was at a friends hoose who could afford such extravagant top loading hi-tech machines known as a video recorder. Fuck they were expensive, TVs only had 3 channels back then and there was nothing on after midnight.

You'd have children just so you would have a human remote control to get up and push the big clunky buttons. One of the channels was BBC2 which only showed crap so you'd be doon to two choices.
That same friend with the video recorder exposed me to all things Ninja in years to come, the America Ninja series taught me to hate. Eventually Radio Rentals made it possible for me to rent my own VHS machine in the late 80's, by then we had 4 TV channels, ah the choice was too great.

John Terry who played Hawk the slayer recently played Jack's drunken surgeon father on Lost, I didn't know that until I did this post.

I still haven't gotten over the phasing out of records and now VHS is vanishing, fuck the rain forest and the whale, save the video.

Do any of you cunts remember yer first video?

Just What Am I Trying To Say ?

I like doors, the way they open and let you walk through them. I do not like opening them to see who is on the other side as I do not like surprises in fact I hate surprises fucking bastard surprises invented by lemurs probably.

I don't like buying a sofa and getting it home only to find the doorway is 5mm too short, that's not the door's fault, nor is it the doors fault when you have to strip the fucking door frame off to get the sofa in and yer doing it on yer own cos fat Billy who said he'd be over didn't bother his arse, I hate people who do not follow through with what they say, it shows lack of moral fiber and low character like what young people have.

Old Knudsen has the strength of a bear and I don't mean a fucking Panda and did it himself.

Remember if you are going to get a door reinforced and bullet proofed get the wall around the door bullet proofed and reinforced ya silly cunt or they'll just shoot through the fucking wall as you hide behind yer door.

I don't like front doors with windows in them, they can see you coming doon the hall, you can't sneak up and look through the spy hole (I love those things) Remember when train had doors that you had to open the window reach over and open the door from the outside? I was always worried I'd miss my stop, now they have those Star Trek doors with the big square buttons I hate trains.

I used to have to take one to my crab fishing job and sometimes I'd have a duffel bag full of live crabs to boil up at home. Depending on the time I was getting home at there might be school kids on the train, those wee fuckers would be complaining about the smell but didn't know where it was coming from.

There is always time to shove yer finger up someones bunghole.

I don't like sleeping with an open door, that's just an invitation for some sex starved woman who has seen me wiggling my booty around Tescos to come in and molest me, waking up with my dick in some hot woman's mouth may sound like a wet dream cum true but us oldies need our sleep, I usually just Dutch oven the nympho, if ya can stay horny after that then yer not human.

Speaking of not human Bogeymen also love an open door.

Yes I know this is Amy Winehoose but close enough, I left a comment on a story on my AOL news page about how Britney's granny shot herself in 1961 and how Britney lost her virginity aged 14 but pretended to be a virgin when her career took off (like anyone believed that) my comment said who cares? and called her a junkie white trash hoorbag, AOL deleted my commented and put a written warning on my record, I don't know why as she is all of these things and its not liable.

As one door closes another door opens, no wonder I feel a draft, keep a bit of bambo over yer front door for good luck.

Knocking on wood for good luck is invoking the tree spirits.

Saying " Bless You" when somebody sneezes. came from when the great plague swept Europe, sufferers began sneezing violently which was a sign of death. The Pope therefore passed a law requiring people to bless the sneezer and covering yer mouth keeps yer soul from leaving. The Pope and his law can fuck off, I bet he has shares in AOL.

The dried body of a frog worn in a silk bag around the neck prevents epilepsy .

If a dead person's eyes are left open, they will find someone to take with them.

A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege and a naked woman on board a ship calms the seas.

I wonder how many superstitions are written by men.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Double Baggers

I know this young couple who are to put it in a nice way "fucking ugly" these two people fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way doon and then angry villagers clubbed them with ugly sticks.

Everyone says fat people are jolly, that isn't true, fat people are mean nasty fuckers that would eat you if you show any weakness. Now Mr and Mrs Ugly are quite jolly, she has the face of a horse, like Princess Margaret meets Amy Winehoose and Mr Ugly is a chubby were-pig. Lovely people, well into the church and like a lot of mingers they have great singing voices.

They had a baby 2 years back, and he looked a bit were-piggy and they gave him a trendy modern name, now I hear that in July they had two more children (talk about bumping uglies) they sent me a picture to announce their births and these two wee sprogs are the creepiest creatures to be born of humans, like bald monkeys with a skin disease.
I've said before that god has a wicked sense of humour when he not only makes twins but makes them both ugly. Thank fuck for plastic surgery.

I feel obligated to send a well done you ugly fuckers card back to them but I can't find one that advises them to stop breeding.

You'd think Hallmark would have something that covers that, I see they also don't have "why are you not dead yet?" cards and "she meant nothing to me" cards. People breakup by e-mail and texts and dear John letters, what about "I think we should see other people" cards ? I see a niche in the market and who doesn't like getting cards?

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Tea ? Coffee? Or Ka-Chow!

The US Airline "Frontier Airlines" are putting their flight attendants or air stewardesses as I like to call them (even the ghey blokes) through self defense classes so when you ask for a pillow you may get yer nose shoved up into yer brain.

The course is being taught by Air Marshals who are known for ......................... I don't know not being on the same flights as terrorists maybe.

Get some Israelis over they'll show you how to kill someone at close quarters.

Ha! I dress to the left you facist bitch.

The Trolley dollys who are famous for their scary fixed smiles and chirpy impersonal voices will now become mile high killing machines who laugh at ragheads with box cutters, "what are ya going to do Abdul open a box?"

Old bat gets them out for the lads.

An Old Knudsen optimistic reconstruction of Nora in all her glory.

Nora Hardwick, who will be 102 next week, decided to pose topless behind the bar of her local pub in Ancaster, Lincolnshire as Miss November in a charity calendar for a children's football team.

Born in 1905 Ms Hardwick (which I'm sure she has seen plenty of in her time) didn't pose bottomless as then you'd be able to see her tits.

You never see the people naked that you want to see naked, as you can see I'm very pro active about that.

Its Thanksgiving for the Yanks today so instead of being smug and thinking how your people abused, tricked and murdered the Injuns that helped them survive look at my naked picture and give thanks that I'm such a big spunk and willing to share myself .

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Unfortunate Headline Of The Week

Ex-Press Secretary Fingers Bush In CIA Leak.

A Train To Catch

A man in California was struck and killed while crossing the train tracks on foot. Witnesses say that he was distracted by talking on his mobile phone. He waited for a train to pass and then stepped out and was struck by a second train in the opposite direction.

Ha ha ha and fucking ha! was yer phone call really that important? what did we ever do before mobile phones? well I walked miles without feeling the need to talk to me mammy. I don't stand about shouting in the street nor do I drive around corners narrowly missing pedestrians and not noticing red lights.

Mobile phones and those I-poddy walkermans are Gods way to thin out the herd, no fucking train is going to creep up on Old Knudsen, hes a coffin dodging expert .

The McCann Circus Is Still In Town

Kate McCann has been accused of being hot, I second the motion.

Retired solicitor Tony Bennett has failed in his bid to issue a summons against Gerald and Kate McCann for offences to do with section 1 of the Children and Young Persons Act 1933. Which makes liable anyone aged 16 and over who is in charge of a minor for their safety.

It has been refused as the court didn't have the necessary jurisdiction. C'mon lad you should have known this, I suspect self promotion.

That's what happens when the crime occurs in a 3rd world country like Portugal. Mr Bennett who is a qualified social worker was concerned that no action was being taken to prosecute the McCanns for child neglect .

No shit mate, since the abduction of Madeleine McCann which happened on the 3rd May this year its been a media circus full of concerned rich celebs all conveniently ignoring how the crime was allowed to happen in the first place.

The McCann's family spokesman Clarence Mitchell said the couple had committed no offence under UK law or any other country's law.

So because no one wants to prosecute neglectful parents that makes it ok? the UK went to the trouble of writing out a young persons act in 1933 so I actually think its an offence in at least one country .

It reminds me of parents who drown their children and then fight in the courts to get off with it. Maybe I'm the type of person to feel guilty if I had done such a thing that whatever happened to me I'd figure that I deserved it.

I don't want the McCanns to go to prison for their neglect, I think in this case that would be counterproductive and not very popular. I want them to admit neglect and for the government to announce that its not ok to leave yer toddlers home or in another country while on holiday unsupervised while you go out and enjoy yerself , sure popping into the back garden to hang up yer washing is ok but to physically leave the premises out of ear shot while you drink wine and enjoy the witty conversation of yer friends is not acceptable.

It fucking well annoys me the attitude and pussy footing around this case, finding a technical legal loop-hole supported by the international laws of a 3rd world country does not make it right.

I was raised to be respectful of authority figures and that included Doctors as they were supposed highly educated but these two Doctors are fucking mongs as are many other authority figures these days.

I now value those with common sense more than those with power over others and diplomas .

Monday, 19 November 2007

Cut It Out

In Ohio Mike Wood got sick of motorists speeding doon his street so instead of climbing onto a roof and taking pot-shots at windscreens with a rifle as Yanks are so keen to do he made full size cardboard cutouts of children and placed them at the roadside.
Drivers got scared seeing a little child so close to the road in case they threw a ball or something damaging their cars and slowed doon.

Being America several people did stop to try to lure the children into the vehicles but drove away angry when the sexy little children turned out to be fakes.

Now Mr Wood is getting phone calls from police departments and neighbourhood watch associations all over the US.

What a fucking brilliant idea it reminds me of the film 'Police Academy' when the guy puts a Dirty Harry cutout in his shop before he locks up and goes home, he also has a policeman cutout pointing a radar gun.

In New Zealand they have cutouts of the back of police cars sitting by the road.

The idea has backfired in London though. The guards at Buckingham Palace were replaced by cutouts due to a lack of soldiers because of the war of terror, this was soon noticed by Japanese tourists who wanted to pose with them for photos and the palace was swarming with nips.

I want an Old Knudsen cutout for some court dates I have coming up and maybe for alibis when I commit some more of my hate crimes, now is a Synagogue and a Mosque the same thing? both Al Qaeda right?

In the future if you are a victim of a crime or witness one and go running up to a police officer only to be ignored its not a cardboard cutout, the police just don't want to get involved.

Britain's Oldest Newly Weds

James Mason aged 93 and Peggy Clark aged 85 have married after a three day romance. You can't base a marriage on great sex alone. Old Knudsen's verdict: It will never last, they'll be lucky if they make it through the winter.

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Mad In China

Chen Ruyan, who worked at a recycling station in the Chinese central province of Hubei, was preparing lunch last Sunday.

The rice dough he was preparing for making rice dumplings was quite watery and he decided to add more rice flour.

The silly cuff link mistook a box of rat poison that was placed with the other condiments as flour , probably due to his eyes not being able to open fully (slitty eyes) and mixed it in.

Chen who sold rat poison as a business had put the chemicals there by mistake, six people including Chen himself were killed.
Who is going to miss 6 chinks out of over a billion that look the exact same? I think its funny that they trust a seller of poison to cook for them, they won't make that mistake again.

Never trust a priest, a gym teacher, a bald barber , a politician or government official its as easy as that and keep everyone else at arms length.

I bet those hungry little gooks wolfed the food doon, the only fat chink I ever saw was Buddha, that bloke ate out of self loathing due to low esteem and because Muhammad kept making fat jokes and sly comments about teaching others self control.

I was going to boycott Chinese products after the Aqua Dot fiasco but found it too difficult, is Taiwan China? I know the Chinese think so. I'll just stick to boycotting Burmese blood rubies, not like I was going to buy them anyway, the Chinese buy them off Burma and use them in jewelry, the cunts are all in it together.

While we're being political, "Hey China!" stop imprisoning and torturing the followers of Falun Gong, its been going on too long now and is pissing me off. There, thats that taken care of.

And remember:
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Men Rule Weemen Drool

68-year-old ex-Manchester City striker Rodney Marsh, who lost his sports pundit job after making a joke about the Asian tsunami on-air, made some sexist remarks while appearing on the reality show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here.

Talking about fellow contestant some PR chick Lynne Franks, he said: "She believes in equality of women and that women should be paid as much as men and that women are equal to men."
I don't want to upset any weemen, maybe a fair way would be to pay the hot weemen a little bit extra, wisdom of Solomon here folks.

Then Marsh said, "My point was what has a woman ever invented?" Well Mr Marsh here is an impressive list of female achievements. I cannot stand by and let you put weemen doon, they are not merely sex objects to be lusted over for yer animalistic cravings. Please visit my Blog full of naked and half naked weemen. MY PORNO BLOG

Mary Anderson invented the windshield wiper in 1905.

In 1886, Josephine Cochran invented the first practical dishwasher.

The Barbie doll was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler.

Ann Moore Invented the Snugli baby carrier.

Bette Nesmith Graham invented liquid paper, also known as White-Out™.

Madame Curie doesn't count as she had help from the "man" and only got credit cos she out lived her husband, in reality she only made the tea, but where would we be without Barbies and windshield wipers? in a ditch with nothing to play with that's where.

Marsh then asked: "Would you fly on a plane flown by two women? ... They would be putting their lipstick on in the wing mirror and all that." He may have a point Amelia Earhart was fixing her bangs when she crashed .

Referring to the show's public voting system, ex-Changing Rooms presenter Anna Ryder Richardson warned him: "Do you know how many women's votes you just lost with that chat?"

Marsh then insisted: "It's a joke. That's why women have no sense of humour either, that's the thing, it's a joke - I'm only kidding."

Well that's true, um oh shit no that's not true as many of my readers are weemen that proves they have an excellent sense of humour or they are all just sick fuckers..... feminists have no sense of humour but that goes with the territory and not expected.

Warren Beatty who claims to have shagged thousands of weemen, go on if ya did him admit it.

Ex-model and walking reason for sterilization Janice Dickinson defended woman by saying: "We give birth." (with the help of men I must add)

Its a lucky thing that weemen give birth to more men than weemen or nothing would get invented.

Marsh added "I don't know why you make such a fuss about it but you do. I don't think it can be too painful actually ... You know, when you break your leg playing football that's got to be more painful than giving birth?"

Or to have yer leg bitten off by a great white Panda but I don't go on about that do I ? Another True Story

I give birth to 8 monster turds a day so I know about childbirth I think weemen go on so much about it because its painful and dangerous to both woman and child and they are totally bitter that men have their fun for 20 seconds and don't have an 8 lbs screaming sprog getting ripped out of their bodies after 9 long months of back ache and looking fat.

A typical woman.

Yes today Old Knudsen is a champion for weemen kind, you can show yer appreciation with more naked pictures and a nice cup of tea.

Friday, 16 November 2007

Is This A Sign From God?

Yer at the end of the line, whats the fucking point of going on? yer wife has run off with another woman and won't let you watch them having sex, the dog was happy to go with her (that wee traitorous fucker) you have a flesh eating rash on yer penis, you've lost yer job as a brain surgeon because after you lost that last patient they ran a check on you and found you never went to medical school and to top it all off yer football team lost 5 - nil . Jumping off the bridge seems the most easy way out.

Wait, crisis counseling, I'll talk to someone, what do you mean "out of order?" I'm no using my minutes up on my mobile phone, away and fuck I'm jumpin, its probably a recording anyway.

Where The Streets Have No Shame

Six homeless people have died on the streets of Belfast in the last 18 months.

Having lived in Belfast I'd see on certain streets and even in parks you have to run the gauntlet of dodgy half drunk people with out stretched hands shouting, "Hey fella, got 20p?" once I had my cap off my head and was holding it as the weather had gotten warmer and some dirty cunty baws shouts over to me, "If ya don't want to wear it I'll have it, " that fella got some of me most choice words and a kicking when I found him asleep in a doorway later on.

I'm Not sure how to take the news of the homeless deaths, is it yay! 6 are dead ? or is it ah c'mon we could do better in 18 months ? I mean whats the right reaction to this ?

I did once find myself walking in the same direction as one of the people who sit and drink bottles of "beat the wife" all day in Ormeau park once, he must have been on something as he was talking a mile per minute, he volunteered such information to me about how the government was paying the rent for the flat he lived in and how he was expecting a £300 bonus benefit near Christmas that was going to pay for a ton of drink and he was getting this and that, doing better than me he was I mean I couldn't afford to get drunk everyday even with the odd 20p tip from a stranger I was working for Hunter Glazing as a glass cutter, the bomb blasts of terrorism was great for the glass business.

I never saw desperate doon on their luck people on the streets of Belfast I'm sure they exist but I just saw people who chose to be there so no sympathy from me, just like in Canada where they have this centre where junkies can go and get clean needles and a room to shoot up or chase the bloody dragon under supervision so they can get medical attention if they overdose, what the fuck? I say overdose yay!

San Francisco even considered the idea for such a place but it was too ghey even for them, no offense to the fudge packers of San Francisco, I loved the "Streets of San Francisco" just not the dirty back alleyways.

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Saudi Justice An Oxymoron ?

More Saudi justice as a 15 year-old boy gets beheaded in August 2007, bare footed and facing Mecca.

You'd think that a 19 year old gurl getting gang raped 14 times was the worse that could be done to her, well not in Saudi Arabia.

The gurl who was from the Shia minority was raped by seven Sunni men, these men have been caught and sentenced to terms in prison from under a year to five years.

The gurl was sentenced to receive 90 lashes for being in the car of an unrelated man in the first place thus breaking the segregation laws. Pretty fucking barbaric huh? was the rape not enough punishment ?

Her case was appealed but the judge said she was using the media to aggravate and influence so he doubled the rapists sentences which is good for them as they could of got death and her sentence was raised to 200 lashes and a six month prison term.

The victim's lawyer was suspended from the case, has had his licence to work confiscated, and faces a disciplinary session.

Fucking sheet wearing savages, these are our allies so what does that say about us?

Then you have to have President Musharraf being funded by the US in power in Pakistan because hes strong and an ally against terrorism (allegedly) in a dodgy area and its better the Devil you know even though he just had all the lawyers arrested, I am mostly being disgusted at the world today.

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

The Five Most Ugh-Sexiest Weemen ALIVE!

Do people really see her as sexy and if so why? no arse, no tits, as deep as a bird-bath with a sly/smug, smirk on her face and a selfish mean personality, and piss stains.

Maxim magazine that sexist wank rag that keeps the sista doon has named "The Five Unsexiest Weemen Alive" as opposed to "The Five Unsexiest Weemen Dead" I like it when they lie still.

At # Five is Britney Spears. I must remind all of those who used to think she was hot until they saw her true colours , she packed on a few and squeezed out a couple of wee nippers. Remember that I never said she was sexy, I said something like, "look at that slut with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, she can't sing or dance why the fuss?"

At # Four is Madonna, I can still remember her humping the stage on Top of the Pops (chart music show) in the early 80's and wondering why everyone is going on about her unshaven armpits when she is clearly hot. After a while it turned out she only had one side to her so her films flopped but the music was massive and now at 49 she is working out too much spouting off crazy shit like Tom Cruise and dancing like shes 29, now she is most unsexy.

At # Three is Sandra Oh, I object at this entry because not only do her eyes not open fully but she doesn't put herself out there as a sexy creature she is the solid friend type. She may be a minger but she is likeable, stick that dopey bitch Paris Hilton in her place, that an unsexy built like a boy no talent/no personality hoorbag, Sandra Oh does not belong on this list.

At # Two is Amy Winehoose, if singing junkies with flat arses are yer thing then yay! but I really don't give a shit, its like Anna Nicole, you see the shit she gets up to and get sick of the over exposure and drama and think can we not just cut to the inevitable drug overdose?

At # One is Sarah Jessica Parker, it could have been any of the Sluts in the city but no its her, as with # two she has a long face a cow would be proud of. SJP hasn't looked attractive since LA Story . I feel validated by this list except for # three because you knew she was mutton not mutton dressed like lamb.

If she is having sex in the city I hope a paper bag is used.

This has been my shallow, judgmental post for the day, can anyone picture SJP and Ferris Bueller having sex ? I'm outta here before things get ugly, woops too late.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

The Name Is Brown, Gordon Brown (Texture like sun)

A BBC reporter went a round Washington DC with a picture of Gordon Brown and asked Americans if they knew who he was, the closest was a woman who said "Golden Blair."

Its all been happening in the UK, The Queen opened Parliament (it seems she is the only one with a set of keys) and gave a nice speech about what "her" government will and will not stand for.
Remembrance Sunday of course and then there was The Lord Mayor's dinner.
The reason that drew attention was because over the past few years Gordon Brown a wise Scot who is frugal with his purse strings only wore an ordinary suit to it which outraged the old toffs who wear dickey bows and tails.
Now as Prime Minister he has been forced to spend £3000 of tax payers money on a suit with a white tie and tails in order to be a guest of the Queen and to hob-nob with our special friends the Saudis who themselves wear bed sheets.

Not just following the dress code but Brown also mentioned the US who have been giving attention to the French and the Germans so hes following the diplomatic code too. The UK and the US swap intelligence info and we buy US missiles for our subs, we can't be seen as getting too distant. In his speech unflash Gordon said:

"It is no secret that I am a lifelong admirer of America. I have no truck with anti-Americanism in Britain or elsewhere in Europe and I believe that our ties with America - founded on values we share - constitute our most important bilateral relationship."

Blair would totally rim the US but this is about as much gushing affection as you can expect from Brown. Its obvious that in the future there will be wars with Iran and China and whatever mates they bring along, do you think France or Germany will have yer back? what has their sucess rate been like in the last 100 years? losing, surrendering and blowing up Greenpeace.