Sunday 12 August 2007

Exploding Hamsters.

Sadly most of the following post is true.



A man eating badger with what is probably a piece of sandsavage flesh in its deadly jaws.

Rumours have been going around Basra, Iraq that the British soldiers have been releasing man eating badgers into the area. Several of the creatures have been killed by farmers and have been identified as "Honey badgers" indigenous nocturnal carnivores that don't attack humans unless they are cornered, their local name is Al-Girta.

Their numbers dwindled when Saddam drained the marshes but now they are recovering with a vengeance, ok not with a vengeance.

A hoosewife claims to have been attacked by one of these zombie flesh eating vampire badgers while she slept.
"My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," she said. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey."
Maybe it was one of them Monkeydogdeer monsters the Sci-fi channel did a film about starring the guy from the Stargate series, no not that guy the other guy.

So the question has to be asked, "what the fuck are we doing trying to help these mongs?" I'm all for killing rowdy Sandsavages in fact I want to take some scalps something rotten, don't like the west? I'll bust a cap in yer arse, the west is the best. Blow us up and Mr Badger will cum to town and hell will follow. Lets take their oil, some slaves and get the heck out of there the jobs a good un.


Bum sniffing dogs.

Other silly rumours are that soldiers planted snake eggs in waterways and bomb sniffing dogs that have been purposely infected with rabies let loose in the city. Next they'll claim we gave them blankets with smallpox in them or something daft like that.

Excuse me but can we have our spy squirrels back please?

The Iranians who are crazy all night and stupid all day and still smarting from my post about the 300 claim to have captured 14 spy squirrels. We demand you release our squirrels and not parade them in front of the cameras as you have done with other captives. I heard about the special Iranian squirrel catching task force, fuck they are good. I guess we'll have to dust off the spy satellites again, that's what we get for trying to lessen our carbon footprint .
Yes I have still got plenty of Offsets to sell, buy them now or the planet will die you cunts, and don't go asking awkward questions like "If its Global Warming then why hasn't the Southern hemisphere increased in temperature in the last 25 years?" this isn't science you know just buy my fucking Offsets before the next scare monger craze cums along.

It reminds me of Hartlepool in England. During the Napoleonic wars a French ship wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey wearing a French uniform. The locals decided to question it and as it was unable to answer they concluded that it was a French spy and hung it to death from the mast of a fishing boat. Please feel free to call the people of Hartlepool, "Monkey hangers" they love that.

If this is the level of stupidity we are dealing with then lets use it. I have hand reared (no hand up bum remarks thankyou) attack ducks, trained only to kill sandsavages (or swarthy Italian types) I shall send them to Basra and with the man eating badgers and our secret squirrels we shall be victorious.

She didn't say anything about pecking.


10 comments:

Momentary Madness said...

Never mind the carbon offset I know how you can make a fortune. I've got a stack of Sub-prime mortgages you can have. You'll be a rich man beyond your dreams.
Don't worry, the talk about recession, that's only: A hymn sung during the departure of the clergy and choir after a church service, and not the rats leaving the boat- so, Sir Richard Branson sold all his shares weeks ago- what does he know.
Y;-) Paddy
Y;-) Paddy

Old Knudsen said...

paddy as soon as some punters buy my Offsets I'll invest in yer mortgages anything that Branson doesn't want must be a winner.

Mrs Cecrux the second largest immigrant population of Sweden beaten only by the Finns, I can't blame them for wanting to get out of Iraq but I'm sure it gives so many problems to the countries that takes them. The badger part is true those silly buggers are shitting themselves.

Ms. Kimba said...

yeah i am sure they want out of there too....but i swear i am living in iraq now and not sweden..its crazy!...problems are so many because of them....i hope the badgers dont mind shitting themselves some more :) i've got plenty o' grub for them!

Bock the Robber said...

Thanks for the alert, Knudsen. I'll immediately despatch my tinker-hound to assist the fearless British forces defending the people of Iraq against, ah, against . . . eh, against stuff. And things.

Foot Eater said...

A joke which depends on poor punctuation

Police today were out in force after a man eating chicken was spotted in Watford town centre. It turned out to be a man eating chips.

Old Knudsen said...

Cry havoc and let slip the Tinker hounds.

Old Knudsen said...

Very good Mr eater but leave yer poor punctuation for yer own Blog I'll be having none of that here.

Fat Sparrow said...

With stories like this it's hard to believe the Weekly World News is ceasing publication. Maybe I can get a loan and start up an Iraqi version, it sounds as if it would sell well over there.

And that squirrel picture is fucking brilliant.

Old Knudsen said...

WWN is all true I tell you.

Old Knudsen said...

You quack me up.