Thursday 21 June 2007

Warp Factor Sex.

"C'mon, you have to be able to feel it now, its ready to launch."
A while back when the fishing wasn't bringing in enough money to live on I looked for work further a field, well not exactly a field more like a space.
I signed aboard the USS Enterprise which was just about to embark on its 5 year mission , to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations and liberate whatever things of value they had, to boldly go where no man has yet messed up.

The aptitude test was easy, "Do you like science?", "Do you like responsibility?", " Are you good with machines?", "Do you like to thump people and brag about it?" I bet ya can't guess my answers. They thought it best I go into security.

The flaming red shirt and tight black Capri trousers seemed abit ghey but you know me, I'm ghey for pay besides I liked the camel toe it gave me balls.
The captain was a nut job named Captain Kirk, a strange fella, from Iowa I believe which is famous for the crazy bastards that live there. I think the corn those corn fed fuckers eat has been genetically altered a bit too many times .

The Enterprise was the only ship that required the men to wear the skin tight trousers and the ladies to wear fish nets and mini skirts. Kirk would always be ripping his shirt and offering to wrestle nervous crewmen, the nickname he got was Captain Grab ass, he heard it being said one time but thought they said, "bad ass" and that added to his swagger.
Doctor McCoy loved to watch the wrestling, he had the nickname "Boner." Kirk was always saying things that you didn't know if he was joking or not, his favourite was, "Phasers on date rape" which would always get an excited giggle from the doctor. When he was to be beamed up he'd say,"Scotty beam me up" then he'd mumble, "in the ass" and Scotty not hearing that would say,"aye Captain" causing the doctor to almost wet himself.

The executive officer 'Spock' was a cool character, half Elf half English man, a queer combination if ya know what I mean, looking doon on everyone cos he went to public school to learn how to be buggered and fire off sarcastic quips, that bloke was always on his Pon farr it seemed, penis issues no doubt going by ear size is no indication .

Everyone knows that Asians and people with Jesus stickers on their cars are the worse drivers ever but still we had a fella named Sulu drive the Enterprise , he made me feel uncomfortable the way he undressed me with his slitty eyes.
Just something odd about that fella, I can't place my finger on it.

The only other Jock on board was Scotty the chief engineer, he liked his drink but it made him depressed and insecure, he was always looking on the dark side, "ya cannae do it" or "shes not gonna blow shes a leezer" he really got on my tits, he caused half of the engine's problems just so he could fix them and look like the hero, that's how insecure he was.

We started out with a compliment of 50 security guards, in no time it was doon to just me and Ensign Pulver, it was like Nam all over again, you weren't there asshole I don't want to talk about it.

We'd draw straws to see who would go on away missions with weemen in the landing party. I made sure Pulver drew the short straw, he wasn't much of an artist.

Weemen on the landing party means the rest of the party are distracted by trying to see her giblets when she bends over or kneels doon, and while I like giblets I also want to see the Liver Ripper from dalron 4 creeping up on us to rip our hearts out (misnamed it was) anyway the charming and powerful alien on the planet usually gets the gurl, she stays behind to "study" them if you get my meaning.
"Aren't you a pretty one? you're going to be ripped apart by my lovin."

Poor Pulver had his head blown up by a piece of alien rubber with tinsel on top a week before the 5 year mission was canceled due to lack of interest.
The crew went their own ways, Spock was slipped some acid and went through a hippy phase trying to achieve some form of uptight enlightenment. McCoy defended himself against charges of fondling unconscious patients he soon found peace in the Priest hood (which is the neighbourhood where all the Priests live) Scotty was tried for sabotage and Kirk became a Rear Admiral with Sulu as his head man.

Chekov didn't exist as even in the 23rd century they wouldn't have a Russian on the command deck. Ahooryou didn't exist either, who would put a neck wiggling angry black woman on communications ? "we be axing you 2 surrender or we'll open up a can on your whitey/greeny ass. " Its funny the shite some people make up.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Old man you're awesome. I'm sorry but fuck it's the best profile I've ever read. I'm definitely coming back here cause you make me laugh too damn much.

Old Knudsen said...

I haven't laughed in 32 years since the accident, it must be nice for you but I can fart out of my mouth, the ladies love it.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Kirk clearly has no idea about women. He seems to think her boobs are on her back, in that picture.

Gorilla Bananas said...

There were hardly any girls on the Enterprise and they were all in love with Kirk, you must have been playing with yourself like a fiend and chatting up Wesley Crusher.

Fat Sparrow said...

I changed my mind. I no longer want your picture of the Pope to be my avatar. I want that picture of Sulu.

Anonymous said...

Does your doctor know you're off your meds?

Ms. Kimba said...

I put you on my blog because I think others need to read you....

I also think your mother not only dropped you on your head as a baby...but I think she threw you across!

fofufou said...

My, you have led a life Knudsen! Piss, vinegar and space travel. Marvellous.

savannah said...

so, opus dei got to you, eh? i figured you to be made of stronger stuff, sugar...

Megan McGurk said...

They never showed women's belly buttons or Kirk's nipples in all his shirtless scenes. Weird.
I had such a crush on Spock an early indication of my prediliction for brainy Jewish men.

Eddie Waring said...

Not one mention of the Captains Log. I'm proud of you Knudsen.

You and George Takei would make a lovely couple.

Dick Headley said...

You have excelled yourself Knudsen. It must have been quite a night. I love the picture of Captain Kirk in the butcher's shop.

Metody Jankowiak said...

I once met George Takei on the set of 'Ice Palace'

Ice Palace is always given short shrift when it is viewed in comparison to Showboat, Cimarron, and most importantly Giant. Actually it is Giant that Ice Palace seems to have the most in common with. Two men grow wealthier during the history of the area's growth and are changed by their love for the same woman. Carolyn Jones had quite an effect on the two men panting after her, the same as Elizabeth Taylor did to Rock Hudson and James Dean.

I viewed Ice Palace again after seeing it many years ago and it is as good as I remembered it the first time. Two fine portrayals of rival empire builders are given by Richard Burton and Robert Ryan. You can feel the hatred they have for each other come crackling right out of the TV screen as on the big screen. Carolyn Jones as she ages from comely young Scotch lassie to matronly spinster because she won't commit to either man, makes you forget her as Morticia Adams.

If Ice Palace has a weakness it's in the direction. I think if George Stevens had done this one it would have been a cinema classic like Giant is. Still Ice Palace is a fine film that is often overlooked in retrospectives of either Richard Burton or Robert Ryan.


Thank you for this opportunity for shearing this with you.

Captain Smack said...

Sounds like that Kirk fella wasn't running a very tight ship.

Never had a chance to go aboard the Starship Enterprise, but I was Captain of the Starship Capitalism, which was really just a Walmart Supercenter that flew around in space and put local planets out of business. Not much happened in the way of adventure, but we had some great deals on red jumpsuits and we were open 24 hours a day.

SamD said...

Heheheheheh. Good one, Old K.

Portia said...

can't wait to hear about the formative years..

jungle jane said...

Yes well that's all very nice, but did you get to have any alien sex?

Anonymous said...

I swear Spocks ears say "nibble on me" every time I see them! :>

And for the bible thumpers, the book says no sex with animals, but there's nothin' in there about no sex with Aliens, so we're all free to explore. Yippee! The trip just wouldn't be as much fun without any morally conflicted Christians on board.

-P

Old Knudsen said...

sam probelem-child-bride if weemen had an extra set of boobs there that would be so lovely.

Mr Bananas Kirk loved himself. Wesley was a fine young man, I groomed him for command.

fat sparrow well they're both ghey.

AZ I killed my GP and put him in the chest freezer for later, I think he has a fair idea.

Mrs Cucrex you shouldn't encourage folks like me, when I was born they slapped my Ma's face.

yer Lordship hasn't everyone gone into space?

savannah the crazy Taigs have been trying to get me for years, its the nazis that scare me.

medbh Thats the kind of things I look for in a show too.

Mr Waring I don't think they hade toilets on the enterprise, they beamed the shit into space which will probably go on to evolve into life.

DH we really aren't reading the same blog are we?

a hussey Con air kicked fucking arse though, and the Rock, no over-rated crap there my son just pure class.

Captain Smack we had great deals on.......DESTRUCTION, his ship wasn't tight but his trousers were.

Samd I'm a giver not a taker(unless for pay)

Portia My childhood was full of sex, drugs and sausage rolls so not much difference.

jungle jane I did get a handjob from a German gurl I was sneaking out of east Germany once if that counts?

proxima no sex with animals? that must be a typo.

Anonymous said...

Entenscheiß? You mean we are talking about Entenscheiß?

If time be I'll go with the Vogons, ya wankers!

Anonymous said...

It appears that Kirk liked fuzzy balls!

Old Knudsen said...

Mago Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.

Ah those Vogons.

dear prudence he liked to wrestle bears too.

the ghey types.

Chris Morris said...

I still want to see a three-way, no holds barred, fight to the death between Kirk, Sulu, and that nameless guy that dies in every episode.

They'll be locked in a cage, tied hand to hand, and the only weapon in there they can use is a blunt pair of scissors.

Sassy Sundry said...

Knudsen, you didn't need to go on the Enterprise. You boldly go where no man has gone before all the time.

Old Knudsen said...

mr beefy that nameless guy had a name and I wish people like you would respect it by saying it, he was called..... hold it'll cum to me.

sassy I thought it was a gurl.