Thursday, 31 May 2007

Pack Up Yer Troubles.

I was surfing through some of the Blogs belonging to my people from Northern Ireland and I was reminded of a quote from the mysterious flash in the pan perm headed Blogger Inigo Montoya, he once said about me.

"There is no funny Protestant, only ugly."

Heidi Says No!

Poor little orphan Heidi up a Swiss mountain tending her flock, this was before she became a supermodel, got a taste for Seal meat and had 12 children. Seal meat is way too fatty for me and I don't like the dark meat as much as I like the white .

Ok it has to be said, Switzerland is a cunt cuntry that's full of cunts. Cuckoo clocks , chocolate, pen knives, cheese , Heidi and bank accounts. They even used the second world war to boost their tourism, when I escaped from Salag 18 the rest of my escapees wanted to go to Switzerland as it was neutral as many brave nations were back then, I told them to go and fuck I'd rather head for the neutrality of Ireland and that's a real hole. My comrades tried to talk me out of it using things like logic on me, "its too far and why not just go to England as you have to go past it" but I was stubborn and once I made my mind up that's that.

The Nazis used to go to Ireland all the time to meet up with their IRA friends so I grabbed a hold of a U-boat and held my breath but that's another story and stop trying to distract me from those cheesy, chocolate making chicken shits.

The last time the Swiss went to war was 1798 against the French, the battle lasted 11 minutes before one of the soldiers got a nasty scratch on his chin, all the other soldiers who saw the blood fainted and then both sides bravely surrendered .

The Swiss have a team of crack troops guarding the Pope, I'm sure old Bene the dick feels very safe, it didn't help John Paul when he got shot .The bodyguards hadn't heard gun fire before and fainted when they saw the Pope's blood.

The largest party in Switzerland’s Parliament the people's party are a right wing Christian group that are pushing for a ban on the Minarets that go along with Islamic Mosques, even though Islam is the second largest religion in Switzerland there aren't any proper mosques and with this ban that means there won't be either. They just don't want there kind around there.

I can't blame them as you can never trust anyone who doesn't like dogs, all those cat people out there should be shot, no seriously a human/cat hybrid (unless its Jessica Alba) is an abomination against God, use a toilet ya dirty fuckers and stop spraying on my door, oh and people who prefer cats to dogs as pets should be hanged, then cut doon alive and have their bowels burnt before their eyes their head cut off and their body quartered and divided and scattered to the 4 points of the compass and buried at crossroads (no not the motel) well that's just my opinion no doubt my more liberals readers think some sort of educational program might work better, I bet liberals like cats. Purr fucking purr I'm so fucking cute here let me rub my hair and fleas all over yer legs as a sign of affection, don't patronise me you arse licking yarn chasing users.

So anyway The People's Party with their Neo Nazi supporters are just tossers who are getting on as badly as the insurgents in Iraq who destroy rival Mosques and Christian churches so I say Switzerland stop being racist wankers just find a Bible passage that supports yer argument in some vague sense and use that to defeat the dirty heathen with, its the civilised way then you can fire bomb their make do Mosques with a clear conscience and still get into Heaven, not that I want a load of poofy Swiss running around in the After life.

Heres what Islam needs, a reform and more of those Islamic cunts cuming forward speaking out against the extremists, the nuking of Iran and Muslims acting a bit more white can I make it any clearer?

The McCanns To See Cats.

In a bid to get their missing daughter back the McCanns are to see Cats the musical. Mr McCann said earlier," We have mixed emotions about the decision to see Cats but this is what Madeleine would have wanted, the wife wanted to see 'Rent' but its no time to be thinking about ourselves what kind of people do you think we are?"
Taken from Mr McCann's Blog @ find
20.30-23.00 We try to sit down for a family meal, again usually cooked by one of the small family group out here with us. Chat about the day’s events and plan the next day
23.30 bed and prayer for Madeleine that she will be returned to us safely ASAP.
In addition to above we try to attend various church services during the week, and make multiple phone calls to family and friends. We try to watch the main news early morning and late evening but have had almost no time to read the newspapers or even look at the pictures!
Kate is a keen runner and in the last few days has tried to include a run in the daily routine. Yesterday (Sat) at 7am we ran to the monument at the top of the steep cliff overlooking Praia de Luz. We reached it in 19 minutes.
And here is one of their comments:
Hello,we are a wholesaler of clothes from China, if you are interested in us, please click our website ;We are awfully sorry if we disturb you.
I may have to give him a few blogging hints that don't make him sound like boring cunt, nice to see what they are up to though, if I lost my child this is what I'd be doing too.
666 Posts, last published on May 31, 2007 suck on my evil you bitches it only goes doon hill into a pit of damnation from here on.

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

If In Doubt See The Pope.

"Well Have you seen her? look at the fucking picture you papal cunt, where were you on the 3rd of May?" "I'm the Pope I could have you killed you know like in the days of the Inquisition , besides I only like the boys."

The McCanns have met the Pope in Rome and had a photograph of Madeleine for him to bless. They asked if Pope Bene had ever made the mistake of leaving toddlers alone while they went out and partied, he replied with a shrug and said "I'm not infallible you know."

At a later press conference, Mr McCann said:
"In ordinary circumstances it would be a highlight for any Catholic to meet the Pope. Of course it's saddened by the marked realisation that our daughter is still missing, we're hoping to still meet with George Clooney for my wife and Halle Berry for me."

He then said the goodness that had been generated by "one evil act" had restored his faith and yes he would let God and prayers babysit the other two children they have. Those kids are still in the evil Algarve hopefully being looked after by Mr McCann's sister.
The McCanns have decided to eventually travel to Morocco where a tip was given over a week ago and also to Germany (the pedo fatherland) probably to see a Witchdoctor and a Shaman.


Cerebral Diarrhea.

It has happened to me before, the psychic waves of energy that floats around joining us all up to our collective conscious that makes up the universe. Being in contact with people who put their thoughts doon onto a computer not distracted by body language or the glimpse of cleavage who are disembodied voices in our own heads the energy intensifies and becomes more constant.

In older times it was the hunter using his instincts and senses to feel out the animal, like a form of radar, we still have that today thought its seldom used. Ever walk doon a dark street and get the feeling someone is watching you so you stop using sight and sound and just send out waves of thought into the shadows and you fine them?

Those who are bogged doon in the mundane unvisited by the muses of creation and inspiration will no doubt say "huh?" get back to yer one dimensional world of I-pods and bills or to yer loop of self contained misery with you at the centre of the universe.

Recently I have been experiencing a lot of Blogjinx © . I write posts and put them into draft only to have someone mention something weird I've written but not published. Go on discount this as coincidence. I say there is no such thing, maybe saying "we're on the same wavelength" is apt. I'm not saying we all agree just merely tuned to the same station, we are all just energy and impulses right?
I struggle to visit all those in my lists and make sure I get round them at least once a week, there are plenty of slack non-posting cunts out there and will sometimes get missed but every now and again I just hover the cursor over a name that hasn't done anything for a while and find they have posted and it meant something to me. This carrys on to yer real world existence as you have been working out 3rd eye or what ever hippy crap you want to call it. Not thinking but still having thoughts is a way to invoke it.

I believe that people have found my blog for a reason and I find others for a reason, its all about learning. Not just knowledge but about yerself. The meaning of life is to touch other lives recognising and seizing opportunity when it when it shows up .
Learning from past mistakes or trauma is pretty crap but necessary to survive, it makes the difference on sinking or swimming and something from the past may lead to yer destiny in this life.

Yer little gurl was abducted so rather than just drink to blot it out ruining your life and those around you more you set up an organisation in her name and save other little gurls those gurls in turn go on to cure cancer or give birth to a serial killer whatever, thats someone elses lesson to learn, the circle of life with its checks and balances who are we to question the almighty power of the universe?

Like the Charge of the light brigade they saw different cannons from where they stood so based their decisions on what they saw not the whole picture, ours is not to reason why ours is but to do and then eventually die, get used to it. Just do the best with what you have and pray there is order in the chaos, as individuals we are so important and yet so insignificant .

Many go through life in a bubble, they think they are open and self aware but really the dumb shit they have no concept of .People live their life as stagnant as this, the expression "a fool at 40 is indeed a fool" is something to consider not that they see themselves as fools, its everyone else that has the problem or is to blame.

I am in a form of psychic connection with many other bloggers as they are with me. I think this kind of bond or link is what a community or tribe is built upon. I could be a lot more open but it messes with my posts enough as it is.

Yes I know I already posted today but if I don't get this out there then the terrorists have won.

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

All You Read On This Blog Is True.

Old Knudsen shares with his readers.

I never want any of my readers/browsers/anonymous insulters or click next blog ADHD fools to ever think that what I tell here on my blog is anything but the absolute truth or may God strike me doon right now.

Nope still here. I just did a post about being an archer at the glorious battle of Agincourt (promote the victories and ignore the defeats) and though I no longer have my 6 ft 6in Longbow made out the finest Yew I do have this modern recurve bow similar to the one I used in the Roman imperial archers when I had a summer job guarding Hadrian's wall from my people, well I was more like a doorman than a guard, I'd hand out travel leaflets to Scottish raiding parties heading south, "Darlington is lovely this time of the year great B&Bs super value."

I can't use my bow at the moment as I had this target range set up in my back garden but a few arrows got loose the legend of the Apache serial killer of Killamory was born, you may remember all that from 2005 thankgod Tom Cruise jumped up and doon on Oprah's sofa and thus distracted the media.

Beside my bow is the sword Joyeuse. I knocked 7 shades of shite out of Charlemagne the great for that one. I looked at him lying there bleeding , crying ,cursing me for the Pagan Dane I was (I went through a pagan phase) and I said, "you aren't so great now lad." He was a Franconian and you know what that lot are like, call them German and they flip, like the Catalonians not being Spanish and the Ulster/Scots not being Irish, we have the Queen on our money and I don't mean Freddie Mercury.

A few years after losing his sword Charlemagne died aged 72 a broken swordless man tormented with flashbacks about a skilled cap headed warrior.

I'd love to stay and chew the fat about my exploits and conquests "WOOF" but many of those weemen are still alive and full of vengeance and there are still Nazis looking for their gold and Leprechauns wanting their lucky charms back so I have to be careful what I say and anyway I'd hate to offend anyone.

Monday, 28 May 2007

The Archers

Don't ya hate it when your arrow catches on the rim of yer cap and you send it flying into the chest of a French man-at-arms ? boy did I feel naked. I can imagine just how weak and vulnerable you all must feel every day I pity you.

Do ya remember in the film Highlander , Connor MaCloud of the clan MaCloud (a bunch of wankers) stood amongst the battle with his sword drawn but no one would engage him ? well I felt a bit like that at the battle of Agincourt 1415 for you poofy civilians 1415 is a quarter past two in the afternoon, 2.15 pm if ya like.

Good King Henry # 5 had fought a tremendous season against the French, away matches can be quite stressful but he wanted the land and the nobles for ransom so he went out and got it by Jove.
On our way home all we were thinking about was getting on the ferry at Calais and getting pissed but the froggies wanted a re-match.

To rally the men Henry gave a great speech, he was always doing that, you couldn't even go onto the breach with yer dear friends and fill up the hole with our English dead without him rattling on about it. I don't know why but Irish and Welsh dead are not so filling.

The speech at Agincourt started as such. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, after that my mind started to wander, he sure spits a lot when he rants, that Kenneth Branagh bloke had him pretty well from Northern Ireland ya know, Branagh not the king.
I always thought St Crispin's day sounded a little ghey, probably because of Christopher Biggins and Quentin Crisp, yes I had all these modern type thoughts I'm a fucking Time Lord ya know it says so on my blog, my Tardis looks like a garden shed, the graffiti and dog piss all over it totally detracts from its selling price.

So anyway I was an archer, one of the most fearsome weapons of the time, it really pisses me off when a historian who wants to get published tries to change the way you look at a historical event by making up a load of bollocks, were they there? no so fuck up.
The battle of Agincourt wasn't won because of the weight of the opposing armies crushing each other in a big muddy medieval mosh pit as some modern historians have claimed, it was won by me, well er the other archers did help too, we were out-numbered three to one our English or Welsh Longbows each launching 60 - 70 arrows a minute no smoke breaks allowed.
The French in a crazed man rape frenzy did indeed reach the English line and were fought off by the archers with hatchets and knives, well I missed that part as I was off having a smoke break, may that be a lesson to you all but I was shaken up after losing my cap.

When the battle was over we were fucking knackered, my right arm felt like the time when I got free porn on my cable by mistake and didn't change the channel for a week incase I lost it.

The next morning we went round and killed any wounded Frenchies that had survived the night. I managed to pick up some nice wee trinkets along the way and a rather bloodied cap. I was hoping to find a noble among the dead but that very seldom happens as they get ransomed and not killed its a rigged game alright.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the Hundred years war but I hear that crazy bint that heard voices from God in her head Joan of Arc was very hot, well she was when we burned her at the stake, fucking witch.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

It Could Always Be Worse.

The main thing the hospital are worried about are lawsuits as she won't have a leg to stand on.

Kellie Lim, who lost both legs and an arm at the age of 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from University of California, Los Angeles' medical school , she plans to focus on childhood allergies and infectious disease.
The 26 year-old doesn't use a prosthetic arm and does most medical procedures like giving injections, taking blood grabbing a pair of balls and saying "cough" with one arm. She walks on a pair of prosthetic legs.

She was raised by a blind mother in Detroit and went through years of being in a wheelchair and painful therapy after toxic shock from the meningitis claimed her limbs and three fingertips on her remaining hand she was given 85% chance of dying, not only that she was right handed and had to learn to use her left, are you crying yet?

"I hate failing," she said. "It's one of those things that's so ingrained in me."

For fucks sake what a gurl. I'd hate to be the person she trains on, I had this trainee able bodied nurse put an IV needle right through my vein. Now this post is designed to make you whiney shites think about how rough you have it and the next time you say you can't do something think about Ms Lim who only has a short window to have sex before the Asian gene turns her into an old minger, mid thirties I believe.

And she can swim (unlike me) and has become wanking material (just like me)

Well done Ms Lim you've put us all to shame. I wish you good luck and hope never to be yer patient. For inspiring us all you've been given the dubious award of honourary bitter balls, isn't life so looking up now ?

Madeleine's Parents To See The Pope

For fucks sake enough with the prayers its well past noon lets drink.

Madeleine McCann's parents are going to the see the Pope, not sure why. The obvious reason would be that he fits the profile of the kidnap suspect, hes white, 5 ft 10in and short hair. I never did like that nazi fucker, something shifty about him. Never trust a man who wears designer dresses and refuses to wear a condom.

Spam And Cliche.

I recently learned that you cannot not say certain words without people getting all enthusiastically into Monty Python dialogue.
Firstly I would like to teach the Yanks how to say Python, its not piefon its piefin get it fucking right, that annoys me something rotten.

You can't say shrubbery without some cunt getting into the Knights of Ni or complain about being oppressed (unless you're Irish then who cares?) or mention the violence inherent in the system because then the riot police start to laugh as they lawfully club you into unconsciousness.

I spend hours preparing lecture notes for the local killamory college on history subjects such as Scott of the Sahara and the Spanish Inquisition only to have stoned students snigger all the way through, what is their problem?

I do not think about Monty Python in my every waking hour, if I say "intercourse the penguin" or complain that "my brain hurts" it may be because I'm mentally instable and not a sad twat who knows all the words to the Lumberjack song, I actually do but that's besides the point.

I want to talk about that delicious meat substance Spam, yes Spam is 70 years old this year. Created by Sam Spam also the creator of Disco it was first called Sam Spam Disco luncheon meat but because of the ghey American city that was trying to get Rice 'a' Roni up and running the name was cut to just 'Spam'.

The meat was famous during World War II and fed British, Russian and even American troops, some yanks were eating it 2 or 3 times a day. The GIs would swop tins of Spam for bottles of wine with the French troops, the French called the meat Le Sange (monkey) but the snooty cunts ate it anyway.
Later Soviet Union leader Nikita Khrushchev would write, "Without Spam we wouldn't have been able to feed our army" then he gleefully thumped the table and made history.

Spam sometimes almost tastes like a pork type of meat depending on how drunk you are and how much mustard you put on it, along with baked beans you could eat well at the end of the world. I once killed a man with spam, not something I'm very proud of but I was impressed with the versatility of the luncheon meat, well done yanks you may have fucked up the meat in the first place but you pretended that's how its supposed to be and thus made a success out of yer lack of quality, clever in a moronic sort of way sometimes those Septic Tanks (Yanks).

Ok I give up, what about the Monty python sketch in the cafe when the guy sitting in amongst all the Vikings asks whats on the menu?

Egg and bacon
Egg, sausage and bacon
Egg and spam
Egg, bacon and spam
Egg, bacon, sausage and spam
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam
Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam
Spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam
Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam .

I think all my posts should end with Spam like arses.

I didn't want to be a Blogger. I wanted to be... a Lumberjack! leaping from tree to tree."

Saturday, 26 May 2007

That Will Teach Them.

"Are you sure this would of happened in the 18th century?" "oh yes laddy time to feel the burn."

I read the headline "Tough justice for ASBOs at museum." Now an ASBO for dirty foreigners means Anti-Social Behaviour Order which is a court order to cease certain activities such as vandalism, theft, begging or in the past a 13-year-old forbidden to use the word "grass" a 17-year-old forbidden to use his front door also an 87-year-old man ordered not to shout, swear or make "sarcastic remarks to neighbours or their visitors which really did spoil my fun those fucking cunts .

I thought ah finally they are cutting thumbs off hoods that graffiti or kneecapping joyriders yes, my letters have been read by Blair who wants to sort out the cuntry before he leaves, ah no amount of ghey English education and a posh soft southern accent can take his Scottish blood and passion away .

Alas what they are now doing is taking offenders to the York Dungeon Museum to see what grisly punishment they would have faced had they been alive in the 18 th century, back when the punishment fitted the crime not a good fit but better than today.

No not a waste of tax payers money at all, I'm sure yer average 17 year-old chav was really shaken up by a history lesson he had no interest in or else he would have actually went to school. I'm sure they are having a good old time seeing how soft modern day law is and how oh no we don't want to offend a criminal by hanging them for murder, those graffiti tagging wankers, yes including that Banksy cunt would have been hung for that back then, art my arse the Fenians in the Maze prison were just as artistic when they smeared their shite on the walls.......... someone else's wall too.

The 'Bloody Code' was introduced in 1783 and had 220 crimes to die for.
Other death sentences would be given for shooting a rabbit, adopting a disguise and impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner Stealing a pocket handkerchief, horse stealing,buggering dead Frenchmen ,damaging a public building,threatening violence to those in duty of the king and offences against civilian residents and being Welsh while intoxicated.
A Chelsea Pensioner is a military veteran who lives in the Royal Hospital Chelsea back in the day when service men and weemen had value and we were grateful.

Chelsea Pensioners talking about the war probably.

Since hanging was abolished in 1969 the ABSO was seen as a serious crime deterrent, they were first used in York and now its estimated that 75% of ABSO's in York are broken .

To cut doon on prison overcrowding rapists are to be made to swear on the Bible not to do it again and asked to report to a police station every 6 months if they have time to spare and they're in the vicinity. Child molesters are to be sentenced to work with children to teach them empathy and put something back into that community and serial killers are to be given a jolly good talking to.

Repeat offenders that are still in prison along with celebrity's who drink while driving will have their spa time cut doon and their cable package reduced to 108 channels, this will make prison a cruel and hard place to be and make them think twice.

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Never Trust A Primate.

Just look at the tits on that monkey, is she horny for it or what?

I've been meaning to write about the time when I worked for NASAL that's the National Aeronautics and Space Administration League. In 1968 I was launched in Spastic one for deep space travel, we slept in regeneration pods for the numerous years of space travel.

The last thing I remember was having a boner thinking about Ann-Margret and then we were awoken automatically by the ship's computer. Lieutenant Hot pants died in storage and all I was left with was Landon and Dodge, a Jew and a nigger but in the 60's we were more enlightened and had that free love thing going on so I tolerated the fuckers.

We walked for what seemed like minutes before we were captured, not by human but by grotesque gorilla type creatures on horse back with knee high boots and whips, kinky but bad.

We were taken with other humans who wore furs and couldn't speak to a town made out of adobe and put into cells, a couple of the primitives must of thought themselves catholic as they started smearing shit on the walls. I don't know, you cum millions of light years and still get Catholics, they fucking well breed like flies .

I asked for a lawyer which got their attention they looked me up and doon and seeing I was superior they put me into a cell with a hot primitive gurl. I hurled abuse and feces at them and asked,"do you want me to mate with her you filthy animals?" they nodded so *2 minutes* later there was a satisfied cave gurl and a less anxious Knudsen.

I was taken to Van Galen the main Chimpanzee doctor, his bleached blonde hair and leopard skin tights didn't do much for his professionalism.
They were amazed at my ability to talk and reason as they mainly had only Yank astronauts so far, they lobotomised Landon and Dodge which was no great loss and not much difference to their performance.

Dr Sayes came in, a dirty big Orangutan who liked to climb up onto you. His erect Orangutan penis stuck well out but no one seemed to mind, it was his way. He humped my side as he asked me about my Space ship, he got his happy ending just as we splashed doon and then he rolled over and fell asleep, fucking apes all the same never a cuddle.

I had had enough. I busted out and ran for it, some Gorillas grabbed me and I yelled, "get yer filthy black paws off me" they protested, "listen dude we're Apes of colour, be colour blind man", with that I grabbed the nearest hottest cave gurl and a horse and legged it.

We rode for hours, then we got onto the horse and rode for hours. Along the beach we came upon the half sunken statue of Liberty that obsolete figure of freedom. I shouted at the Gods with my fists raised "damn you all to hell, its a mad hoose" then I rode around the bluff and found a Tim Haliburton station there. I gave them the gurl for shampoo experiments and they got me back home so no probs.

The thing I've regretted after all those years was that I never got to ride one of the Chimpanzee weemen, now that would have been interesting, the closest I've gotten has been greek woman.

*yes we did do it twice*

Soylent Green Is People And So Are Kebabs.

No one is horrified by the fictional tale of Sweeney Todd the demon barber of Fleet street who killed his clients and his accomplice put them into meat pies to sell. Its been a film and even a musical, the tabloid press of Fleet street are a lot more scary.

It is alleged that a 14 year-old gurl Charlene Downes was killed by Iyad Albattikhi, who owns a fast food shop on Blackpool Promenade. He joked to his friends that he chopped her up and mixed her in with the kebabs.

Mr Albattikhi and his business partner 50-year-old Mohammed Reveshi who is accused of helping dispose of the body are both Jordanian immigrants said Charlene was one of a number of gurls who like to have sex with older sandsavage type of men who worked in the fast food shops on the promenade, its the new craze it seems. All the workers at Funny Boyz fast food joint liked the white gurls and bragged about it constantly.

Charlene like so many have just disappeared off the face of the earth the case is on-going. I say on the strength of police suspicions we hang the cunts, even if we're wrong which I doubt we'll have gotten rid of child molesting kebab makers, no good cums from a kebab.

Damned If You Do Damned If You Don't.

So Many Weemen So Little Time.

Old Knudsen has not always been the smooth operator that he is today, once I was clueless to the wants and desires of females.
I went to an all boys school that was a strict and serious place smack in the middle of the local bible belt.
The teachers were a bit too fast to cane you and taught you respect that came from fear.
The religious education teacher was also the music teacher which fit in quite nicely with the protestant way of worship if we weren't learning the uninspiring hymms and prayers for RE we would be learning very uninspiring songs about Zulus and fire doon below (no not the clap) everyone that taught there were very dour and only showed passion when swinging the bamboo doon onto some ones hand for getting the wrong answer .
For all the harsh discipline it was a good school that actually educated the children,on days when it was too wet to kick a football about during the lunch hour we went to a class and played chess or draughts not too many schools like that now.

I moved to another town and another school, a mixed one (boys and gurls that is) I had sisters but they were older and the female was a creature I had no understanding of nor the jealously of other boys when I got the attention of a gurl they liked.
My new teachers were burned out didn't give a fuck types who didn't cane and were tickled pink when I turned up in full uniform and answered them as 'sir' and 'miss'

Gurls liked me because well who knows? I was pimply had a broad country accent and was quiet, maybe it was the cap.
Gurls would punch me on the arm bump into me with their breasts or hip checked me which really annoyed me as I don't like my killing zone to be invaded.

One gurl would chase me doon and ask if she could carry my books, was she implying I wasn't strong enough? the bitch.

Being from a family of brabblers I lived a life of defending myself from the sarcastic remarks from my older siblings I assumed this was how everyone was so when a gurl asked "hey wee lad would you see me?" I'd take that for sarcasm and knew if I said yes they would say "fuck away off I wouldn't see you if my life depended on it" so to not give them that power I always said no.

Another gurl always seemed to be at the same part of the school as I was all the time, she set up scenarios in which she had trouble opening doors because of the books she was carrying or she'd drop them near me, such a clumsy gurl I made sure I avoided her, I got to turn her doon when she asked to see me.

Thinking back on all those times I like to give myself a punch in the face for being so stupid, all the gurls became really beautiful weemen and ignored me in later years for breaking their hearts I suppose.

I learned that weemen are just the same as men but totally different and that they are the better of the sexes, sure you get exceptions but I'm talking generally here. I love weemen their look their strengths their (nice) smells the way they make me suck in my belly and puff up my chest and bless me with a smile that puts me into a high for the rest of the day. Except for my exes who are all dumb hoors.

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Time Waits For Nomads.

"Ach this Whiskey is older than my last wife but it does taste better."

For those concerned I'm fucking pished so fuck off.

When you spread some dead persons ashes out to sea as they requested you don't go out and bring them back in now do you? so when Canadian James Doohan 85 when he died ,the most famous fake Scotsman in the world, Engineer Scotty of Star Trek wanted his ashes to be shot into space did he know what all that entailed?

Along with the remains of 200 other people it was shot up to the edge of space via rocket and then it fell back to earth.
I pictured something grand like being deployed into space into a decaying orbit to burn up on re-entry .

Nope, they launched it in New Mexico which has less calories than the old Mexico and it landed there too. It landed in the mountains and was lost for 3 weeks. Doohan did have Alzheimer's at the end of his life, maybe he just wondered off.

So what happens now? he sits in a vase on the mantelpiece while his 31 year-old widow looks after their 5 year-old and entertains her boyfriends? seems like a bit of a con to me, maybe they also do burials at sea from inside their bathrooms, a Viking funeral on the barbecue or yer more conventional burials were you're put into a skip and end up at a land fill.
I don't care what happens to me when I'm dead, its not like I'll feel it. Maybe I'd like to be varnished till I'm solid and water proof and used by the village elders to de-flower young gurls in some kind of Pagan entering womanhood ceremony .
Remember water proof not water resistant theres another con, things are only water resistant until they actually get wet then they are well ruined , and when you buy a watch thats shock proof what are ya a mong? who the fuck jumps out and scares watches? while we're on the subject, those self winding watches, all lies. I got this big fuck off Sekonda self winding watch, I sat it doon on the table and waited, 3 days had passed and never once did it wind itself up cos I was watching.

The Birthday Boy.

Listen up niggas today is my birthday so I'm gonna celebrate cos its my birthday. No I'm not going to tell you how old I am, you fuckers are just so rude some times. It all makes sense now doesn't it? I'm a Gemini, that means I'm a great communicator but also I'm not playing with a full deck but to balance this out I have Cancer rising which has been in remission for 8 years now.

I don't expect presents or drinks getting bought for me though that would be nice as I sit here typing all alone on this special day. I do expect you cunts to comment and wish me well or something like that so c'mon ya bastards I might not be here next year and then you'd be sorry.

Let me feel the love and maybe yer tits if ya have em.

Monday, 21 May 2007

Am I On The Same frequency? Are You Getting My Signal?

How many of you fuckers can do this? ha ha the goat is better than you.

On some comments on a Blog far far away I was asked not to joke about killing weemen as it happens all the time in the world and how weemen are devalued as trash.
From now on I shall endeavour to be deadly serious about killing weemen.

Not an attack at this person as I feel their vibe man I just have some thinking on the subject I wanted to put out there, where ever that is.

Well I understand this about weemen being devalued thing , if you check out my Fake Old Man Balls blog you'll see that I am equally outraged by such things. I recently posted about the honour killing of a 17 year old gurl in Iraq, that's that free country over on the right. I am also angry at the treatment of the world's children as shown on my World of Evil blog.

I'm a man and proud of it, not a guy or a bloke but a man. I suffer from "a white knight complex" though my armour is shit coloured I want to save the world and protect the weak.

In my life I have stood up for weemen against abusive males on numerous occasions as its the right thing to do even strong weemen need backup or defending sometime. I have found many males to have no problem saying something rude to a gurl but when I ask them if they have a problem they go all gentle Jesus meek and mild.

Yes I'm old fashioned, yes I believe in chivalry and no I will not apologise for it. I will hold a door open for a woman and even though she sneers at me for doing so and doesn't even say thankyou because she thinks its some male power thing , you allowing her to go through fuck off its called being polite. I've had shopping bags in my hands and have had other men open the door for me, again being polite.

I know that everyone has their limits with what they find funny, dead babies, dead puppies or erectile dysfunction if ya don't like it change the channel I too have my limits I just try to work through them as I am a well fucking rounded human fucking being and if you have a problem with me being in touch with ma feelings I'll gut ya like a cod, do you believe in cod?

I had also in the past made remarks about people putting a dooner on my humour, you do a post on mongs then someone comments how they have a child that's a mong, or crazy Alzheimer loonies and someone talks about their sad old mother who just passed away, well shame on you and you , put yer moving stories on yer own blog, take it outside.

I will make fun of everything because once you start to draw the line at what can and cannot be said then other things start to become taboo as well then the whole political correctness thing which goes too far or the whole its in the Bible so you take it as "the gospel truth" what a load of bollocks, some camel jockeys thousands of years ago write a best seller and people use that as a guide to live their life today? stone the gheys, stone the children, stone suspected hoors, heres an idea lets just get stoned. Those sandsavages couldn't even tie shoe laces, I have no respect for them, toilet paper? what the fuck?

Blacks and Jews are a touchy subject because they were both highly oppressed and movies have been made about them, now everyone pussy foots around them, if a black kid makes a racial slur to yer white kid at school nothing will be done as its a hot topic but if yer white kid did the same by God there would be trouble.
White police beat up a black crackhead who is trying to attack them and the city goes into riots but if some old granny gets caught up in a gang shooting then who gives a fuck? not trendy enough.

Only the BBC with their lefty agenda will show the Palestinian dead but more is made of the Jewish loses even though Israel is being fucking wankers just like the nazis.
Sex education in schools,"Now the man takes his tom tom and inserts it into the woman's va va and they die of a nasty disease, sex is bad don't do it, now I don't want to hear it mentioned ever again."
Look I can see that woman's dirty pillows while she breast feeds, stone the filthy hoor.

You can't even question the McCann's parenting technique and motives without someone getting all bent out of shape because the parents have had enough loss and you should be thinking about Madeleine and the bastard that took her, well fuckwit I can have more than one thought in my head at once unlike you who gets carried away with emotion.

This rant is merely to point out what a fucking multi faceted individual I am I don't care if you don't get me due to issues I don't need/want to hear about because you can't please everyone and I don't aim to, blogs are all about ME.
Men die, cattle die only re-runs of 'The sound of music' at Christmas time lasts for ever.
As popeye once said, "Lifes not worth a damn till you can shout out I am what I am."

On a more positive note, the best thing about Blogging is when people 'do' get it, having had my genius misunderstood for madness for most of my life and seeing that I'm not alone and being a mad genius is a good thing really means a lot and I may very well cry, but I won't as there is more tasteless, tiresome humour funny or not to be had and I'm going to have it.

Sunday, 20 May 2007

Land Of The Free For 4 Easy Payments Of $29.99.

Matthew McConaughey in Reign of Fire, a kick ass film, for fucks sake look how big his chopper is.

I think that people who say that they don't watch much or any TV sound a bit too smug for my liking, suggesting that they are special because they don't know who anyone one is in the world of celebrity, especially when they are on the computer all the time instead. Anyway I don't watch much TV as its mostly shite but I do spend hours on the computer and like to watch films.
If I'm depressed I'll watch any old shite on the idiot box and loathe myself afterwards for what I have become the usual, but even in a suicidal gloom with my shotgun in my mouth I still refuse to watch reality shows about dancing and singing, how fucking ghey can you get?

America is probably the most hated country in the world right? yes even Iran and North Korea are nicer.The media has not helped this with their little snipes at the Yanks and its just not on.

Two animated movies,'The Rescuers' and 'Finding Nemo' make derogatory comments about the Yanks, both pitting Australian characters against the land of humping apple pie and Uncle Sam who is not really yer uncle and we won't tell yer da when he gets out of prison.

Then there is Reign of Fire, a story set in the near future when the world is ruled by vicious Dragons. A Buff Christian Bale and his Scottish side kick Gerard Butler (Murdarrrrr! the 300) watch as a tank rolls towards them with a crazed Matthew McConaughey sitting on top looking like a muscular penis with tribal tattoos , it wasn't established what tribe he belonged to.

Gerard Butler mumbles to Bale, "Theres only one thing worse than dragons...........Americans."

"In Texas everything is bigger even the Dragons, we use their claws as butt plugs cos we are tough hombres cum to save yer ass again."

Who will save our arses from the Yanks I ask? its tough being cute.

28 Seconds Later

Its happened again we're all doomed. Bikini clad weemen infected with PMS and the Rage virus have escaped a bikini inspection research facility. The general public are warned not to approach these angry nagging flesh eating zombies with anything less than chocolate and factor 30 sunscreen, water proof if possible.

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Ulster/Scots Are God's Chosen People.

A Northern Ireland butcher has become the youngest ever Scottish haggis champion. 22 year-old Alan Elliot runs a shop in Dalbeattie and has been making haggis since 2004, originally from Cookstown famous for its sizzling sausages he has almost reinvented the haggis recipe, not bad for someone who left school aged 15 to work at cutting up dead animals as they do in the real world, who needs education when you've got a trade? unless yer trade was making oil lamps, fucking electricity.

Well done lad, even with the peace in Northern Ireland and those Nationalist cunts ruining Scotland the ties will always be deep.

Adolf Wants To Play Around With The Boys.

A golf club near Bristol has lifted a rule that banned Germans and Austrians from playing on their course.
The rule was put into place when 9 club members died in World War I fighting the bloody Hun .

The rules, drawn up in 1919, state: "No person of German or Austrian extraction, whether naturalised or not should be allowed in the clubhouse or on the course."

The rule was long forgotten about and was recently rescinded by Kraut lovers at a general meeting .

The only hole in one I want Hitler to have is the one I shoot in his head before I burn his body to a crisp, hmmmmm crisps.

Alfie Lockheart a club member said,"whats next? letting in the blacks and Slavs?"

The "no shirt no shoes no service and Jews no allowed " rules still stand, you don't want anarchy now do you?

Have You Cringed Lately?

Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

A: Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

I am so disgusted at the taste this post leaves in my mouth especially between my teeth. I want everyone to know that I have nothing against pizzas, the Jews however did kill Christ, not an easy thing to forgive and forget.

Only kidding ya hooked nose money lenders ya know I love yas, though quit being dicks in the middle east.

Scent Of A Woman.

I also like to rip off a stinker on any occasion then I laugh, breath it in and observe the others around me as they look on admiringly, the work of a social butterfly is never done.

Its Sticking Out

The age of the average Blogger is in the mid thirties and they are full of issues and insecurities, doomed in other words so I am here to help. If you want to engage in psychological warfare with yer mother for not hugging you enough as a child and have already done the getting pregnant, getting someone else pregnant, smoking and staying out without calling home etc then here is the ultimate passive aggressive ploy for attention and annoyance. Continually walk around in her presence with the label of yer shirt sticking out and pretend not to hear her when she mentions it .

Warning this act of non aggressive may trigger the onset of OCD in yer mother if done correctly.

Those Zany Irish Harlots

A village in Ireland named Doon whose more original Feniany name was Dun Bleise which loosely means "the stronghold of immoral women" or "Fort of the Harlot" either way it was a fun place to visit back in the day. Some also believe that Mary Magdalene fled there to give birth to the child of Jesus but really if you had any sense you'd cum to Scotland now wouldn't you?

Those folks from Limerick have always been trouble makers anyway I don't speak Irish, in fact I barely speak English I will not be molded by the wills of others. You never see place names like that anymore, 'Village of the damned' or 'street of the dirty slappers' a distinct lack of colour and imagination, though I suspect in this case the Irish just want to set up a hoor hoose for the tourists, c'mon Yanks while you're searching for yer distant relatives for the price of a cabbage you can shag someone authentically Muck savage like. I don't think an American will worry if they're related or not.

Here is the village that I used to be the mayor/ditator of until they turned on me, they would of hung me from a lampost but in my wisdom and farsightedness I had them all removed. They still keep the sign as they now know how well off they were with me as now the place is full of Poles and Muslims. No lamps on the poles still.

Here is the Austrian town of Fucking again, remember German/ Austrian pedos not so fast .

Friday, 18 May 2007

My Perfect Woman Smells A Bit.

Many weemen have asked me what my perfect woman was. I was always a little cagey with my reply so I wouldn't inadvertently lead them on, you know what weemen are like. So anyway me being the closest thing to God that any of you lot will ever see have made my own perfect woman out of some spare parts I had lying around. I call her Chesty La Rue.

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Take Me To Yer I-pod.

What a goofy looking twat, happy or terrified ? hard to tell though he does have more range of emotion than Charles Bronsan ever did.

One of the funniest things I've seen this year was Professor Stephen Hawking floating about in the vomit comet. A Boeing 727 that dives allowing 25 second bursts of weightlessness he had 4 minutes zero G in total.

The Professor suffers from a motor neuron disease and it would be wrong if I mocked the great man who has over cum all to become one of the greatest thinkers of our time, I said it would be wrong I didn't say it would stop me, besides whats he going to do beat me up?

The man is paralysed and in a wheelchair and talks through a Metal Mickey (Robbie the robot for yank cultural references) device that is funny as fuck to hear.

I was sitting doon at the social security office waiting room, one of my cheques hadn't cum in and to be honest I was shitting bricks in case they had found the body of the true claimant. Sitting opposite was a child with an electronic spelling game, his mum was on the phone talking about her holiday she'd be taking soon, those fuckers on unemployment benefit are fucking millionaires it makes me sick.
Well this boy must have been a bit of a tard as he kept hitting the game to spell out new words fast and repeatedly, on and on. I noticed the voice was very similar to a certain professor so then I listened to the words it was spelling out , spit,lap,sick,hit,rat,big,lick,sad,cut,stub,slot,bun,rot,jug and fellatio, well ok maybe not the last one. These are all words used in common Blogging vocabulary only the most skillful use them as innuendo.

My theory, Stephen Hawking has been dead for years now and no one has noticed, the nanites that help him speak have taken over his brain the man is now part dead part computer, his trip on the vomit comet helped him transmit orders to electronic devices like a satellite all over the world . Rather than take over humanity by force they get into our psyche and kill the human imagination and power of basic reasoning (I notice this in others all the time) so the next generation of people will be bloggers who can only use 4 letter fucking words to get their fucking point across all the while there is the rise of the machines and before you know it we're all talking like Metal fucking Mickey . Its a fucking scary thing.

I was called in to a cubical and sitting across the desk from me was a Dalek , it pointed its plunger right at me, its toilet must have been bunged up as shit was still dripping from it then in a Stephen Hawking voice it said "exterminate exterminate" I blinked and shook my head and the Dalek was gone, sitting there was a petite large breasted gurl with red hair, it was the hair that set off my hallucination, fuck the yanks and the use of Agent Orange in Nam, I was there in 68 worse holiday ever.

Vision Technician Drowned In His Bucket.

Window Cleaner Mark (buckets) Fairhurst aged 35 of Wigan, Greater Manchester was found by his customer, Elizabeth Bebe in June 2006 with his head submerged in water .

The Coroner said that Mr fairhurst collapsed and fell with his head in his own bucket of water, a heart condition may have caused the collapse but the cause of death was drowning because he was unable to save himself.

Fairhurst had been assaulted in August 2005 which had led to memory problems so a blackout may have also caused it too, who knows? its not like medicine is an exact science or anything.

Incredible whats the fucking odds in that happening?

Its all very tragic I'm sure but c'mon how unlucky do ya have to be? its like that film 'Final destination' when yer number is up its up no cheating death he would have been hit by a bus on his way home anyway.

I was a Window Cleaner or Vision technician as they prefer to be called now. The work tied in nicely with my hobby as a peeping Tom, its sad when a customer outlives their window cleaner . I packed it in out of fear, I heard on the news that Jack Frost had killed 14 people mostly elderly and a few of them were my customers, I wasn't hanging round waiting for no serial killer which was when I became a Tramp herder aboard a tramp steamer (cattle are cleaner than tramps anyday) it was about 2 months later when someone told me they must of meant the cold weather had killed the people off boy did I feel foolish. the job has changed now, its all aluminium ladders and plastic buckets and you need a degree.

The good news is that Mr Fairhurst had finished all the windows and that Ms Bebe didn't have to pay that week.

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Try To Get The Point.

Over the last couple of days I've seen people stand up for the neglectful actions of the McCanns that lead to their 4 year-old daughter being abducted and also for Don Bartch the assistant principal in charge of the teachers from Tennessee who staged a mock gunman alert to demonstrate to 69 11 year-olds what it feels like to think you're about to die. Now I'm not interested in any more comments on the subject these people may be great in their social circles and kind to Africans and puppies that's not the point . I just have two words to say and please don't just read them or have someone else read them to you but think about them too,"personal responsibility."

Shite Meter.

A picture of a nice Christian lass, Jesus breast fed you know so therefore tits are sacred.

Yes again its a post about my shite meter searches, I just can't understand how these people end up at my nice and respectable Blog.

How to make a priest horny...............Ireland. Show him a young boy.

Sophia lorens tits.................................Belgium. They were nice weren't they?

My uncle raped a donkey....................USA. The usual then.

If you suck cock while drunk are you ghey?....UK. I know who you are by the way.

Hairy naked weemen..........................Russia. Nothing wrong with that.

Slavic Apes............................................Ireland. They're human I say.

Is it safe to drink urine........................Australia. I do all the time and look at me.

Is molesting other people's food normal?.....Northern Ireland. It is for you Manuel.

Lets give praise or at least a hand to boobies.

Skinny Dying Fucker.

" I couldn't sell my hoose for 20 years because of that fucking mural now its a tourist attraction, funny how things work out."

The last weeks in the life of IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands are to be made into a film, called 'Hunger' it will be shown on Channel 4 next year.

Sands aged 27, died in Northern Ireland's Maze Prison in May 1981, shortly after being elected an MP I suppose MP looks better than terrorist. The Maze (or Long Kesh) is the prison that held terrorists which is now closed doon and all the prisoners released in one of Blair's stupid moves for peace.

Bobby Sands refused food for 66 days in a protest over political status and the treatment of republican prisoners in the Maze prison. He was the first of 10 men to die but no one remembers the names of the other 9 losers, well the Fenians might but who cares?

I hope they include the smearing of shit all over their cell walls or dirty protest as it was called, the guards soon came to the conclusion that if they want to live like that and not eat then fair play to the dirty cunts.
The hunger strike centred around "Five Demands":

The right not to wear a prison uniform;
The right not to do prison work;
The right of free association with other prisoners;
The right to organise their own educational and recreational facilities;
The right to one visit, one letter and one parcel per week.

The significance of the hunger strike was to be declared as political prisoners not as criminals, in my own humble opinion the IRA are all criminals much like their Prod counterparts the UVF. You're in prison for a reason laddy.

The film maker who goes by the name Steve McQueen is a Turner Prize-winning artist or twat if you will, is all set to make Sands more of a hero for protesting and dying for his cause in the only way he was able to at least its only on Channel 4 , no need to dig up the past so close to the fragile peace well unless you're going to dig him up to show off in a side show.

Murals of Bobby Sands have been up on the sides of hooses for years now, hes got his 72 virgins and will always be remembered for his slim figure and bad hair do .

General Says Prince Harry Won't Go to Iraq

It looks like we're stuck with spare to the throne Harry Pothead. he won't be going to Iraq as its too dangerous for him and those around him, well duh its a fucking war zone. Lets hope this is a trick to sneak him in though you can see the glow of his ginger nuts from miles away.

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

Being A Hero Cums Naturally.

You may know British actor Edward Fox from such movies as Force 10 from Toblerone, The Bounty Bar and Day of the jackoff seen here holding the medal he received from the Queen the Token Of Fidelity and Fortitude or TOFF.

I like to sit and rememberise sometimes. Once I was on holiday in London staying in a crappy wee hotel in East Finchley, that was a right dive, at dinner time I was served by a smarmy waiter that would yell and argue with the cook all the while throwing pots and pans and then he'd cum through the swing doors, smile and quietly talk as if nothing had ever happened, the arguing made dinner take a long long time, he'd bring out a bit of bacon covered in some tomato and basil sauce for us to try and to keep us happy as we waited and then they'd get back to the shouting.

It was such a crappy place I had to go out and scour the streets for my own hookers don't worry, if you threw a stick you'd hit a working gurl, in fact I did many a time do that to get their attention, the Sassenachs doon south are a dozy lot, ungodly and immoral as well which is why you go doon there for a holiday, just ask any of the Yanks who were over here during the war.

The thing I remember about that trip most of all was not the weapons deal that went bad but saving the life of one of the royal family. It wasn't really a royal it was Edward Fox a thespian (which is Latin for poo pirate) he has played so many royals and has that posh accent its easy to get confused, well it confused someone.
A splinter cell of the Provisional IRA known as The really real and serious IRA wanted to cause mayhem and chaos by killing a royal. Mr Fox or Foxy as he now lets me call him was receiving an award from the Queen for his contribution in appearing smug and upper class in countless TV and film roles.

I was walking along the street checking the ground for change and cigarette butts when the car carrying Foxy was boxed in by black taxis, out jumped several masked gunmen with guns who then pumped the driver of the trapped car full of holes.
I stood and watched and thought to myself, "hang on a mo something is going on here" then I heard it, the accent I'd heard during countless of drunken pub fights and interrogations in Northern Ireland, one of the gun men shouted "get out of the caa to be sure" fucking paddies I'd teach them to discharge weapons within the city limit. I charged them knocking one to the ground and letting them step into my killing zone, I used one of their own guns to kill two of them and capture one the rest fled as if they were being chased by horny priests.
I was slightly wounded in the shoulder, merely a flesh wound and well you know the rest had you read any news papers in 1992, medals honours reuniting with the Queen and taking a shag doon memory lane with her, ah good days.
I sued the really real and serious IRA for mental anguish which put them out of business . Foxy still keeps in touch but hes a boring old cunt so I wish he wouldn't.

Only The Crumbliest Flakiest Chocolate.

About 250,000 chocolate bars have been stolen from a dairy in Lancashire. Police said £140,000-worth of Cadbury Flake bars, packed in a trailer, had been taken. The thieves put on their own truck and drove off with the trailer.

Detective Constable Joe Murphy said that some of the chocolate bars have been offered to ice cream sellers. They may have to bring in an LA cop burnt out and on the edge to partner DC Murphy, they will argue about who will drive and not using guns thus providing buddy buddy hilarity.

Police wish to contact this man before he gets hungry if you see him call Crimestoppers.

Burn Baby Burn.

Falwell on the right (as usual) with another prince of lies Karl Rove.

Televangelist Jerry Falwell has died aged 73, his last words were, "if I'm not doing God's will then may he strike me dead ."

A campaigner against stem cell research ,abortion, homosexuality, pornography and bans on school prayer, he called aids and that big fuck off Tsunami and any other disasters punishment from God. The founder of the moral majority building the religious right nuts into a political force he was like a mong with a loaded gun.

Satan was heard to comment earlier,"ah fuck off, that cunt isn't coming doon here is he?"

Monday, 14 May 2007

This Is Not A Drill, Its A Gun.

During recent discussions we have debated in a lively fashion about the responsibilities adults have in relation to children under their care. In Tennessee a place I know nothing about and would never want to go there teachers in charge of an Elementary school trip to a state park decided to thrill the sixty-nine 11 year-olds by convincing them there was a gunman loose in the building and to all lie doon on the ground. A teacher cunningly disguised in a hoodie pulled at the locked door. They turned the lights out on them and about 20 kids started to cry thinking they were going to be killed.

The terror lasted for 5 minutes as the teachers wanted it to be a learning experience and I think the kids learned that the Assistant Principal Don Bartch who was in charge of the trip puts the ass in assistant.

Last month a few days shy of the day the Virginia tech shootings happened killing 33 people, what the fuck were these slack jawed cunts thinking? I bet they are a real hoot at home,"honey I just got a call and your father just died in a car crash, no I was only kidding but how did that make you feel?" "Timmy Worf the dog ran away, I'm so sorry, nope only kidding but what were you thinking for those 5 minutes when you sat and cried?"

Fucking mongs, no wonder the kids are growing up stupid with these people teaching them.

A Pack Of Lies.

Old Knudsen can smell a lie like a fart in a car, here are some lies for you to pass 2 minutes of bordom at work with.

Richard Gere: "I'm actually very sexy and a talented actor."

Muslim Woman: "Islam is a religion all about love and peace."

Vladimir Putin holding the ass master 3000: "Poisoning I don't know anything about no poisoning."

Fat Bloke: "I'm going to start a diet at the end of the month."

Richard Nixon: " I'm not a crook, that whole bugging thing was a big misunderstanding, hey look its the King."

Bill Clinton: "I did not have sex with that woman. I've have fucked my Lab several times and my wife at least once ."

Adolf Hitler: "Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph. Don't worry I won't invade Poland or Russia, I'll be quite happy with Czechoslovakia ."

Tony Blair: "I have never once sucked the master's er I mean George Bush's cock."

The Terminator: Kate brewster:"hey you said you'd let me go." Terminator; "I lied."

Speedo man: " I'm not ghey and I don't have a rolled up sock doon me front."

Old Knudsen: "Don't worry lass I'll pull out before I cum, you can trust me."

John F Kennedy: (F for fathead) " Ich bin ein Berliner" he was from Massachusetts, makes you wonder what else he lied about. Wasn't he sooooo good looking? um no are we looking at the same picture?

Michael Jackson: "I just slept with the children its perfectly natural and I never fondled them."

Gurl I've never met before: " Its you're son Old Knudsen meet Soren Jr or wee Gobshite as I call him."

Gerry Adams: "Sinn Fein has no links to the terrorist group the IRA, all we want is to live in peace with our protestant neighbours."

A.Doctor: "Don't worry you'll be alright now and I won't talk doon to you and treat you like a moron, stat ."

George W Bush: " Saddam used a remote control to fly planes into the Twin Towers, he also has big bombs that he wants to use on America but the thing is they're invisible, like Wonder Woman's plane, and it wasn't me that just farted. "

Templar with the sword: "Christianity is a religion all about love and peace."