Young People, They Don't Know They're Born.

Giovanni Ribisi wants his DNA back.

One of the sailors that was held captive by the Iranians for 13 days has revealed what was in the gift bags they were given before they were freed. 20 year old Arthur Batchelor the youngest of the servicemen/woman complained about having his £160 i-Pod taken from him and given a lot of junk in return.

I didn't know that i-pods were standard Navy issue, it seems as if they aren't taking their job too seriously.

They're out there surrounded by Iranian gunboats with 50 mm guns trained on them and suddenly a cell phone goes off, the chavy sailor looks at it and says, "its me mam I'd better take it." I'm sure the Iranian motherfuckers would understand, they may possibly have mams too, and maybe even a short list of fathers as well.

When I was serving (oh here we go again) we weren't allowed no Gramophones or Walkermans, maybe if they weren't plugged into Kenny G they might have noticed the gunboats speeding towards them, and as for Faye Turney you don't keep taking smoke breaks when captured by hostile Sandsavages.

I don't know what the services are coming too, someone did point out that never in any other era have British servicemen acted in such a way when captured .

Now they have the option of selling their stories to the press, too late for damage control Blair this has embarrassed the nation and also the 15 detainees who will forever question themselves and be held to scrutiny by their brothers in arms, especially the Royal Marines as they are an elite unit.

This whipper snapper Batchelor then slags off the gifts he got, young people don't appreciate anything these days.

11 books on how and why you should convert to Islam excellent reading I'm sure, a CD of Mohammed's greatest hits including "Goat rape at the Oasis" and " One is the loneliest bomber", he also got a DVD of the Iranian made film "Uncle Sam Screwed My Mother" starring Sean Penn and Jane Fonda and strangely enough it wasn't about healthcare or social security.

The last items were toffees and pistachio nuts, I mean who doesn't like them? at least it wasn't those stinking figs those animals eat.

He was also given a camel pocket pussy which he has decided to keep out of diplomatic etiquette.

I don't know what his problem was I'm sure the ungrateful little oik has put in some kind of claim form for his i-Pod and the tax payer will foot the bill.

On top of all that he got a new outfit of clothes, those grey suits were quite popular in the 80's, now that hes home he should buy a nice pink tie to go with it, is that not the height of fashion or what? he also complained that his Hugo Boss shirt was a fake, send this little whiner back to Iran for fucks sake, to quote, " I could pick up a better outfit at a jumble sale."

You joined the Navy, that shows right away you know fuck all you're all the big man now, the lot of you should just keep yer heads doon and mouths shut and be glad you got out of it alive.

Now we get to look forward to the BBC dramatisation of it starring Peter or Colin Firth and maybe Sean Bean if we're lucky, if only Colin Farrel could do an accent other then Irish, I doubt the BBC could afford him

I could be a casting director, "now Giovanni , say after me, cor blimey gov."