Sunday 29 April 2007

Rob Harley And the Whalers.

Carlos the gay bandit, we loved that crazy fucker and how, this is his finest moment and the last time we were to see our bronzed Latin hunk, taken by Big Dick, his parents were not surprised when we told them.

I once sailed aboard the whaling ship Innuendo under Captain Harley . A big black ship full of seamen that ploughed its way through the water with stamina.

Admiral White of the pocket battleship HMS Flaccid could never keep up with the Innuendo. There would be the call "all hands on dick" (the first mate had a speech impediment) with a flurry of action we'd gain on the Flaccid and with a big swell we'd splash all over its aft and pull away laughing never to call again. Admiral White was Impotent in the face of our abilities.

Captain Rob Harley was a man obsessed, years ago the great pink sperm whale 'Big Dick' had taken his leg and his lunch money and now he wanted revenge or at least his money back . He kept himself locked up in his cabin until the shout "Derby whales" went out. He'd cum out in a foul mood and then we'd all pretend to work.

Apache Joe who was part Cherokee and part Irish as most Yanks claim to be was our chief harpooner and apple polisher, he loved to thrust his javelin at anything that moved.

In all my years of hunting Sperm whales and Jizz fish I only saw Big Dick (the whale that is) once .
It played with us cuming and going, up and doon, it knew what it was doing pure evil as many of us just wanted to get the job done and have a cigarette. The big pink bastard was trying to tease and get a rise out of Captain Harley.

Apache Joe with a full compliment of harpoons shot his full load but in his excitement he was premature which was very embarrassing for the old hand.
I could almost hear the whale laugh as it lifted it's fin and shot its sea custard all over us before it swam away.
Never one to miss an opportunity the captain sold the whale muck to Ponds who used it for face cream.

I left the Innuendo shortly afterwards as all that rough tossing seaman bit was too ghey even for my tastes. I heard that Captain Harley gave birth to a large fish like creature he named 'Little Dick' and calmed doon about the whole vengeance thing and can be heard saying things like "would you like to see a picture of Little Dick's first blow?" hes never short of crew but they always leave disappointed.

13 comments:

ellie said...

I find this tale a bit hard to swallow!

Momentary Madness said...

Admiral White obviously lacking firmness, with impotency thrown into the bargin couldn't expect to keep up.
"Derby whales". No wonder Rob was in a faul mood when he came out, he thought he was at the races -too much laudanum.
I myself was on the Mayflower with captin Robert Dylan. we were singing:
"I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, "Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline"
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea"
Y:-) Paddy

Gorilla Bananas said...

Big Dick met his match when he was swallowed by Captain Hornblower.

The Mistress said...

"Thar she blows!"

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

ooh gosh just imagine all the surf that thing would produce! :0

Old Knudsen said...

ellie its all just a bit of a gag.

paddy do all yer comments erupt into song verse? if so I'm horny, horny horny horny, so horny horny horny horny. I love that song.

Mr Bananas How did I miss that one? I should have thrown in Long John Silver too.

MJ unless yer married to her, the tricks weemen play on men to enslave them.

fat Sparrow I'm sure you have a short list.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

I miss the yellow :(

Old Knudsen said...

I just typed I miss hanging then looked at yer comment.

Blogjinx!

Old Knudsen said...

Oh read what it says above my profile pic from the word 'You'.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

lol well you didn't imagine, that i imagined, you'd change it back, did you?

Yes Blogjinx indeed! Oh we're such a happy little family on here aren't we, Old K. Games are omnipresent. Jaffa?

Eddie Waring said...

I just saw what you have been saying about banjo music and it's a fuckin' ukulele mate so I'm not offended.

I'm getting worried about you. This post confirms my fears.

Old Knudsen said...

lynnI magined you would and no.

Mr waring you haven't lived until you've been up close and personal with Big Dick.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

All the more for me then.