Monday 16 April 2007

Ramming Speed.

One of the reasons why you should use a splash guard when you cook sausages in a frying pan while wearing a thong and high heels. I like the gurl in the picture learned the hard way, you don't have to.

I am the mighty Dinosaurous Rex, watch me flail about in the tar pit of life until I'm made ex-stink by hemorrhoids from space . Then the meek shall inherit the Earth.

Some cultures are different yet very similar. American men when they meet other men do the non threatening head tilt, they jerk their heads upwards as if to say " my jaw is exposed to you which shows I mean no trouble."

The same as reaching out their right hand to shake hands, the sword hand is open and shown to be clear and non-threatening.

My people when faced with a male of unknown quantity will nod downwards while keeping their eyes on the male at all times as if to say, " you don't mess with me and I won't mess with you, but I am ready."




The soft as shite Southern English wag their tails and sniff yer hole but thats just their way.



I started talking about the thing that cricket players do when they are about to bowl to the batter, they rub the red cricket ball against their trousers as you may do to an apple before you eat it but it all just sounded so very wrong.

So these guys are rubbing their balls against their trousers furiously and the thing is that they're dressed in white to you see a big red stain near the crotch but they don't care because this has become a habit to them so they stare off while they rub away at their balls getting a good polish on it until its time for the other guy to whack the balls as hard as he can with a solid bat made out of willow.




If I did this sort of thing in the High Street on a Friday afternoon the police would be called, not that I have of course.

Have you heard about those memorial T-shirts? it seems to be an African - American thing amongst the lower classes there, In America not Africa. When someone you know dies (usually by drive thru shootings and the like) you get a t-shirt with their face on it saying something like, "Rest in peace my Homies" or "Word up Cold T in gangsta heaven" you get the idea, "my niggas died and all I got was this t-shirt" I hope when I die (if I ever will) that all my bitches will honour me with a classy t-shirt with my face on it and before you take a swig of that Holsten Pils you dribble some out into the gutter for all the ex Bloggers that have been flagged along the way in Blog related violence.





Lord Milky it seems got a warning at work about logging onto my Blog due to the graphic nature of some of my images. I don't think sitting in the Hoose of Lords among the blue blooded inbreed twats of England is the best place to be surfing with yer lap top but who is going to tell a Knight of the realm that? so I thought for a bit and decided to be more careful with the images I post, then I had a bit of sugar which got my blood sugar level up and wised up. It is my promise to all you good folk out there that I would sacrifice any of you or yer jobs for the sake of my own pervertedness and freedom of speech, if I don't speak up then who will?



There was a bit of a reaction to the picture of the man with the bottle up his arse and as a bottle may be a bit extreme we all know that men like to stick their thumbs up their own arses while they're having a wank and I really doubt that we men are the only ones that buy butt plugs and beads of woe, then again I may just be the only one, ah fuck it.



Mecca or Makkah in Saudi Arabia is the birthplace of the Prophet Muhammad, and where the religion was founded not to mention the burial place of Adam from that famous fucking duo (as long as he was on top) of Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, those are the Uncle and his friend we don't mention. So it peaked my attention when it came up on my shite meter. Could our Saudi friends and allies be interested in the wisdom of my Blog or is it a bitter Muslim counterpart to me with a short fuse? From this holy city came a search for 'Rimjob.' That just struck me as funny, not as good as the search I got from the Vatican city for 'altar boys that like to suck off old men.'



The Pope Dirk Benedict IV turned 80 recently and no I'm not going to mention how he was in the Hitler youth during WWII I mean who wasn't? I just want to wish him a happy birthday and thank heaven for little boys.



Speaking of leopards not changing their spots the German army are in trouble for suggesting that crime in New York, the Bronx I believe is perpetrated by black people. Shame on them maybe in the rest of New York a large percentage of crime is caused by Blacks and Latinos but in the Bronx everyone knows the crime is caused by Irish and Italian immigrants over bootlegging rights so cut Johnny Black fella some slag ya fucking Nazis.



In case you hadn't heard, a German army training video was uncovered that had a shooting instructor shouting at the trainee to imagine themselves in the Bronx, "a black van pulls up in front of you and three African-Americans get out and start really insulting your mother... act!".



The soldier opens fire and shouts obscenities in English, as the instructor encourages him to curse even louder.



It happens to me all the time, my mother tends to break a lot of hearts and robs them while they are sleeping.



You know I am not surprised that the Germans lose all their wars, what ever happened to controlling yer breathing, calm and collectedly counting the rounds you shoot off ? when you make war all personal and kill people out of hate well professionalism just flys out the window. I of course blame the Pope and Hans Gruber from Die hard as played by Alan Rickman, fucking cunts.



22 comments:

The Mistress said...

I'll bet the hospital emergency wards are full of people with foreign objects stuck up their arses.

I'll look into it and get back to you.

Fat Sparrow said...

"So these guys are rubbing their balls against their trousers furiously and the thing is that they're dressed in white to you see a big red stain near the crotch"

I'm fairly sure you should not rub your balls 'til they leave a red stain on your pants.

MJ -- There are whole websites devoted to it. Oh, the stories my Radiologist neighbor could tell you, if he wasn't dead.

Check out this one.

Momentary Madness said...

Being Black and being Irish is the same thing in certain parts of the world as you well know. "Blacks and Irish need not apply" You can put any two nationalities (at least one) into that category and hang the sign appropriately on the map.
I often wondered if a little turd had an identity (and in some cases it does, I know, however)
would it increse or decrease its turdness? (now how is that for a non sequitur)

Manuel said...

Seriously, where did you get the picture of Mrs Manuel and our child substitute "shirley the dog"? Its not on invading privacy like that. That dog's bashful you know.

"when you make war all personal and kill people out of hate well professionalism just flys out the window." nah, i've been doing exactly that for years now an i'm completely professional.

The Mistress said...

Fat Sparrow: Is that a revolver in your vulva or are you just happy to see me?

Anonymous said...

Hello gorgoeus, god how i've missed my daily dose of you and the perverted pics that saw me thrown out of the library by a mean chinese bitch who had no sense of humour whatsoever.
But i'm back now and look forward to catching up with my favourite blogger. xoxoxox

Old Knudsen said...

MJ I've heard from emergency room nurses about broken off candles and cucumbers and Richard Gere used to get small dogs to climb into his hole, sometimes the odd shetland pony.

fat sparrow the rubbing feels so good but then burns later, so I've heard.

paddy both make crap slaves, if it was a turd identity then it would be I hate people giving them names and dressing them up etc.

manuel you wish that was Mrs manuel, you could forgive bad cooking practices then.

kate either you've very happy to be back or the last batch of naked pictures really caught yer fancy.

Anonymous said...

Titties and Sausage...The Breakfast of Champions!

Old Knudsen said...

fat thomas I also wrote a bit beneath the picture.

NiolK said...

That bottle up the arse picture is the best thing you've ever done with this "blog".

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

"they jerk their heads upwards as if to say " my jaw is exposed to you which shows I mean no trouble."

That's the funniest thing I've read today and I was reading The Onion earlier.

Anonymous said...

Errr....by the miracle of science thats me in the pic . I wish I remembered it. The bottle pic was surprising, as is the whole of this blog. I think you are secretly a Cardinal in the Roman Catholic Church old Knudie! I like your scrotum like demeanor though...

tony said...

Was The Bottle Empty?
If so, it is a grand idea.I will go to The Halifax Rubbish Place (recently painted green by the council) And suggest it as a method of recycling.Save The Plant & have a bit of fun at the same time!Perfect!

tony said...

ps......"Save The Planet" not "Save The Plant".
:)

The Mistress said...

Tony's just performed cunnilingus on his PC. It's no wonder he's a little tongue-tied.

Eddie Waring said...

I have some sausages.
Mrs. Waring has a thong.
We have a dog.
The dog likes sausages.
It doesn't like wearing the thong.
I distract him with the sausages.
He forgets about the thong.
I laugh and drink some more.

fofufou said...

I'd let her fry my sausage. I'm sorry. Arf arf. - I'm sorry. I don't know what just happened to me.

D. C. Warmington said...

MJ -- for more bottle (etc.) pix, start at "Goatse.cx" on Wikipedia.

The Mistress said...

Warmi: Thanks. Obviously I've been living under a rock. May I consult with you in future? Only when Knudsen's unavailable, of course.

D. C. Warmington said...

MJ

By all means, though I am not the suave, dashing, devil-may-care fellow my picture suggests. You're better off with the infinitely more personable Mr K.

The Mistress said...

Warmi: I just wanted to make Knudsen jealous.

Unknown said...

I burned my nipples once, I learned my lesson, right then. Hey Knudsen, how ya been?