Monday, 30 April 2007

I Miss Hanging.

Five Get Life Sentences in London Bomb Plot.

Sunday, 29 April 2007

Rob Harley And the Whalers.

Carlos the gay bandit, we loved that crazy fucker and how, this is his finest moment and the last time we were to see our bronzed Latin hunk, taken by Big Dick, his parents were not surprised when we told them.

I once sailed aboard the whaling ship Innuendo under Captain Harley . A big black ship full of seamen that ploughed its way through the water with stamina.

Admiral White of the pocket battleship HMS Flaccid could never keep up with the Innuendo. There would be the call "all hands on dick" (the first mate had a speech impediment) with a flurry of action we'd gain on the Flaccid and with a big swell we'd splash all over its aft and pull away laughing never to call again. Admiral White was Impotent in the face of our abilities.

Captain Rob Harley was a man obsessed, years ago the great pink sperm whale 'Big Dick' had taken his leg and his lunch money and now he wanted revenge or at least his money back . He kept himself locked up in his cabin until the shout "Derby whales" went out. He'd cum out in a foul mood and then we'd all pretend to work.

Apache Joe who was part Cherokee and part Irish as most Yanks claim to be was our chief harpooner and apple polisher, he loved to thrust his javelin at anything that moved.

In all my years of hunting Sperm whales and Jizz fish I only saw Big Dick (the whale that is) once .
It played with us cuming and going, up and doon, it knew what it was doing pure evil as many of us just wanted to get the job done and have a cigarette. The big pink bastard was trying to tease and get a rise out of Captain Harley.

Apache Joe with a full compliment of harpoons shot his full load but in his excitement he was premature which was very embarrassing for the old hand.
I could almost hear the whale laugh as it lifted it's fin and shot its sea custard all over us before it swam away.
Never one to miss an opportunity the captain sold the whale muck to Ponds who used it for face cream.

I left the Innuendo shortly afterwards as all that rough tossing seaman bit was too ghey even for my tastes. I heard that Captain Harley gave birth to a large fish like creature he named 'Little Dick' and calmed doon about the whole vengeance thing and can be heard saying things like "would you like to see a picture of Little Dick's first blow?" hes never short of crew but they always leave disappointed.

The Spector Of Death.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Going about killing hot weemen, whats that about? hang him high.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

Quote Of The Week.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Laurov said.
"I cannot understand it when people try to lay blame for historical events on somebody or try to compare communism with Nazism."
Well you're not too bright then.

There is a lot between saying and doing.

Great ideas on both parts but it didn't work out when it came to the deeds. Hitler was a crap socialist as he destroyed most of his cuntry and Stalin didn't want to share his toys. Russia under Stalin agreed with Hitler to split Poland in half to save the peace between them, that cunt Stalin went with the wind, just like current day Russia.

I think the war memorial in Estonia should be kept, those people that died in the fight against Hitler earned our eternal thanks and at least a monument where it was first built , the politics of today dishonour the war dead.

Friday, 27 April 2007

Warning Gere Is On The Prowl.

The vile despicable creature you see above you has an arrest warrant put out on him in India. He is not a murderer, pedo or a gerbil jammer, well maybe the gerbils. He is charged and soon to be found guilty of hugging and kissing on the cheek Shilpa Shetty, star of Channel four's Big Brother and some movies in India apparently .

If you see him do not approach him as he may shake yer hand and someone watching may be offended.

Effigies of Gere have been burned in the street because of this. I say those who have taken this to heart, "wise the fuck up you stupid twats."

Just avoid India mate, its not like they'll cum after you. Anyway its easy to avoid a cuntry whose food is guaranteed to give you Delhi belly. On a personal note, I'd so shag that Shilpa gurl. On the stage I'd be licking her face and nibbling her ear, and she would be hooked to the Knudsen mating method, it wouldn't be the first time my tongue has caused an international incident remember when I was the Scottish ambassador to Africa and I said the words, "slavery, was it really that bad?"

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Hey Bitches I'm Back.

Smiles are for the weak, have my scowl of contempt.

What the fuck has been fucking going on the fuck here? Rich get back into the wankers gallery, you lurkers get back into the shadows of my shite meter. What was I thinking?

I was a bit strapped for cash this week so in order for me to still afford me smokes I quit drinking, chasing the dragon, huffing petrol and solvents and eating food, well that last one is a lie as I found an old tin of Heinz baked beans (weapon of choice for Hugh grant) in the cupboard, back when they only had 7 varieties . I think that was from my end of the world supply when everyone thought the world would be plunged into chaos when it became the year 1900, "the pocket watches will not know the time we're doomed."

I still had me smokes and my prescription medication but my mates noticed a change in me, when I refused to beat up that black ghey catholic lad from Latvia they took it upon themselves to give me an intervention.
True friends, all the pints,Whiskeys,Southern Comforts, pork scratchings,pickled eggs and scampi fries a man could ask for, Jimmy the Stain had his usual tube of Evostick to sniff and in no time I was chatting up the weemen, getting slapped by said weemen and having Billy One Ear chase doon students to take their money off them .
Then I got to my Blog and saw this hippy shit I was not pleased, just so it doesn't happen again I'm setting up a pay pal account for you cunts to send me money, its called "The Give Old Knudsen Relief Fund ."
Just to remind you lesser beings out there why I'm bitter here are those on my shit list, if you aren't on it then I probably just missed you.
Germans: The World Wars, being uptight bastards, talking silly and searching for rimjobs on-line ALL the time and The Scorpions.
French: The 100 Years war, being ungrateful cheese eating surrender monkeys and still thinking you're so superior, c'mon the Krauts took you in 45 days and that's with Holland and Belgium included, the most bravest thing the French have ever done was sink the Green Peace ship The Rainbow Warrior, ya smell like garlic ya sheep burners.
Spanish : The Armada, pulling out of Iraq when Al Qaeda blew yous up and the bullfighting.
Italians : Bombing Abyssinia when I was there on me Hols, being chicken shit fascists, fooling the world with yer Latin lover shite as you will hump anything that moves, hardly quality.
Slavs: Being dirty and talking funny.
Iranians: for having some of the most beautiful weemen in the world but being too insecure to appreciate them, and for taking our people this year and other years.
Iraqis: Fuck yous, you stupid cunts time to claim a victory and pull out and let them fight it out amongst themselves, they're all fucked, Sonny and Shia I got Jew babe isn't enough to stick around for.
Arabs in general: can't shoot for shit so they blow themselves up, they shag camels and are only interested in stuff that happened 2000 years ago, they need Desperate hoosewives, that will give them something else to think about.
Africans: What have you done for me lately? the stone age with AK47s , if we ignore them they will go away, yep no more food.
Terrorists: Only an out of touch romantic idiot would ever call a terrorist a freedom fighter, they are murdering cowards that kill weemen and children because it suits them.
Rapists,Kiddie diddlers, murderers and convicts in general: kill them all so they never have the chance to do it again, if you are anti death penalty then you are pro child molester, have that on yer conscience.
Russians: They have no feelings and just want to take over the world.
Chinese: They have no feelings and eat dogs and want to take over the world. Leave Taiwan alone, 10 years we've been without Hong Kong, ah no more Yellow Thread Street, enjoy yer new Pandas.
Japanese: Take responsibly for yer actions in the war, you were the bad guys and now are mindless ants waiting to be replaced by immigrants as you can't breed very fast.
Indians : Gandhi was a cunt ask his son, what were you thinking getting rid of the British? and the Battle of the Little Big Horn, what the fuck? Now there is an arrest warrant out on Richard Gere, if you execute him for kissing Shippla I might not be so bitter about yous.
Pakkies: you may very well just be Indians, well that's what brits call all the brown people, try harder with Al Qaeda and stop making excuses.
Americans: Late for two world wars, yer enlightened tourists cum to Europe with cowboy hats on and tell us how small and old everything is, you can't look after yer own people and send yer troops to get ass fucked by 3rd world camel jockeys friendly fire is a Yank tradition, remember when you torture people don't pose for pics that's silly, and they hear my accent and think I'm Irish cos they know no better, you know how to hurt a fella.
English: The old stiff upper lip image is being replaced by Burberry Chavs, you're out numbered and soon will be just like the States, you need national service and haircuts.
Welsh: They don't do anything but shag sheep............boring.
Irish : Lazy fuckers that go about being witty all the time and are stubborn when it cums to being conquered, neutral during the second world war? like fuck you were you pretend friend to nazis.
: The Falklands war, and being a haven for nazis and for Evita, you bastards.
Turkeys: no not the birds the people from Turkey, I've never liked you lot.
The Swiss : cuckoo clock chocolate eating cunts, where were you during the war? ach away and guard the Pope.
All the Benelux cuntries: Whats there to like?
Koreans north and south: I just don't get it but I do like Korean weemen better than most chink races and Kim Jong Ill cracks me up.
Burma, Thailand, Cambodia,Vietnam: Love you long time but I'll be mostly wearing a rubber ya dirty shites, where does that Pedo Arthur C Clarke live? I'll knock him and his space telescope out.
The Pope: Ex Hitler youth that diddles boys and refuses to wear a rubber, he tells people how to live and will forgive a murderer before he forgives a divorcee.
Anyone that isn't Protestant: you'll all burn in hell, hey don't blame me rules are rules, oh Mormons, Jehovah witnesses and Pentecostals don't count, they are just nutters.
People who are intolerant toward others: put the fuckers into dead camps.
People I have to explain my humour to as they just miss it: I bet you pretended to find Monty Python funny so you would look cool. Benny Hill was not funny but it was good to wank to.
Judges: morons with power.
Liberals: cum to terms with reality for fucks sake, its not trendy and can't be solved with a fundraiser, yer conscience can though.
Conservatives: try to think for yerselves, go on leave the angry mob for 5 minutes and meet the people you are against , you've got yers so fuck the rest.
God: c'mon lad pull yer finger out and do something.
Superman: c'mon lad pull yer finger out and do something.
People that post Youtubes : I have this thing called the telly, if I wanted to watch it I'd........
People that post memes: Shopping lists are more fun.
People that post dirty pictures: yeah whatever so I hate myself.
Anonymous commenters: why do you always have to be soooo boring, at least pick out a nice name for yerself.
The Morbidly Obese: ya fat fuckers use a shotgun to kill yerself so I don't have to look at you and hear how yer life sucks, its yer fault dopey, fat people are supposed to be jolly.
Skinny dying fuckers: eat up yer at yer aunties.
Snobs: I'll fight ya in a cage match.
Lazy people: You can't trust those who don't know how to work.
Weemen who reject my sexual advances: What the fuck are ya thinking? are ya a Leezer?
People who play the race card: you're such a pathetic victim and that's how you will stay.
Gangsta rappers: Stop playing the race card, I don't hate Black people I hate stupid people, and don't call me G.
Israelis: Once the victims of hate and now the perpetrators of it, did you learn nothing?
People who don't learn from the past: You are the reason Therapists exist, so self absorbed but so blind to yer issues. Woody Allen and the word "intimacy" make me want to boak.
White Supremacists: You dumb fuckers, just because yer hoor of a mother was white and yer father if you knew him was white and that you have a shotgun that you can shoot cans with, does not make you the master race.
People who walk in on me while I'm wanking: So fucking annoying and its never a hot woman who wants to help you, its usually the bus driver about to throw me off the bus.
Space Aliens: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like them, Just watch documentaries like Independence day and you'll see why oh and thankyou Americans for saving the world, yeah right. Aliens you can beat but Sandsavages.
Gypsies: those dirty fuckers stole my mother's soul and kept it in a broken microwave for 15 years.
Doctors: They know nothing and keep you waiting past yer appointment time without a sorry or a cup of tea.
Lemurs: Pure evil and have been killing folk for years but get away with it cos they look cuddly.
Environmentalists: Global warming, extinct species are bloody nature quit trying to stop or change it as then you are going against nature.
Do Gooders: Go and feed the homeless people at Christmas time and ignore then the rest of the year.
Homeless people/winos: no you fuckwit I can't spare 20p, shoot them all and make soap from their bodies.
Babies: You get on all useless with yer "mama I have a stinky" but you're really just sneaky lazy shites playing on yer cuteness like Lemurs without the claws of death, I know I was once a baby.
Young People: you don't know you're born.
People against same sex marriage: Why should the gheys not suffer too? let them get married as I am sick of their disposable income.
Homophobes: Gheys are an immense source of humour, names like Poo Pirate, Up Hill Gardener , Shirt Lifter and Leezer are priceless, they should be nurtured.
Bigots in general: I hate haters and won't rest until they are hung from a tree with a fork up their arse like the good old days.
People who don't like Old Knudsen: If you're not with me then you're against me.
The ancient Egyptians: What a load of cunts.
Prudes: I don't want to hear about yer dislike of vulgar language or sexuallity, being an adult means you can fuck away back to yer Alpine gardening club, I can smell yer issues from here.
Bullies: I'll knock you out.
Reality Shows: They insult our intelligence as much as memes do.
Smuggies: Cunts that drive hybrids and love the smell of their own farts.
Upper Classes: Ok I get it yer cousins were married, just like the inbred ancient egyptians, you're still twats.
Upper Class wannabes: Buy all the nice stuff you want and put on an accent but they still won't accept you.
The Hollywood movie Industry: What a silly world you think you live in, stop making shite films.
I actually like Canadians and Australians though their national identity is not what it used to be. In case you haven't worked it out yet The Scots are God's chosen people, bow doon before me plebs.

What Were You Expecting A Meme?

What the fuck did you people do to my Blog?

Just Because

Every Sha-la-la-la

Every Wo-o-wo-oStill shines

Every shing-a-ling-a-ling

That they're startin' to sing's

So fine.
Makes you think doesn't it?

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Even Hitler Had A Nice Side.

Adolf Hitler is known to the world as a monster who killed millions during the second world war, well I say he had a nice side to him c'mon no ones perfect. Hitler was an animal lover and had two dogs Blondi and her offspring Wulf so I think that shows he wasn't all that bad. Well sure he may of had a Doctor test the strength of a Cyanide capsule on Blondi before he committed suicide but still.

I'm plumb tuckered out as our American friends would say. I've been doing a lot of random acts of kindness and some charity work but I don't want to talk about it as that may seem like bragging. Did you see the sunrise today? wasn't it glorious? I stood there and wept thinking about our Lord Jesus and his sacrifice he made for us and I felt unworthy yet blessed.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Happy Old Knudsen

I have been looking over my Blog and was dragged doon by the hate and negativity of it all, no wonder I only get 700+ visitors a day, I can't blame you all for staying away.

I can blame myself but the more self - hatred and guilt our lives have the less our lives work. I choose to release the past and forgive everyone including myself.

I forgive you all for not being the way I wanted you to be . I forgive you and set you free.

I am now in the market for some self - love and the appreciation of all around me, I feel love for.

Life itself
The beauty I see
Other people
Our minds and bodies and how they work
Animals, birds, fish
Vegetation in all its forms
The Universe
Stuff like that

My mind is gentle and harmonious. I love and approve of myself. I am free to be me.

From now on I will only Blog about the positive things in life and will not swear or say anything negative about anyone. That means I may not post too much as I am off having nice thoughts and looking for harmony and loving the world. God is love and being a creation of God then that makes me Divine and thus God therefore I am love.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and maybe my ban from Heaven will be soon lifted.

I love you all, even the Germans that search for jobs concerning rims, I hope you get gainful employment soon.

I hope you like my new Blog colour, it is the colour of sunshine to brighten up yer lives.

Birthday Cakes Are Fire Hazzards.

Happy Birthday Mr Holden, I won't wish you many more as I know how this story ends. I loved you as the farner in babe, "that'll do pig that'll do."

In 1997 Alec Holden from Killamory put a 250/1 bet on with the bookies William Hill that he would live to the age of 100, being 90 at the time and looking pale the bet was taken.
10 years later Mr Holden is 100 and received £25,000 not to mention his birthday card from the Queen as per tradition.
he puts his longevity doon to eating porridge for breakfast and remembering to breath.
He joked about looking out for groups hooded thugs from William Hill .

Congratulations Mr Holden though I can't condone gambling but I'm sure the Lord will understand.

In Killamory today a family of 3 were burned to death in a hoose fire, it could have all ended in tragedy if it wasn't for firemen finding their pet cat 'Lucky' alive and well. Lucky was singed but healthy and enjoyed a meal of generic cat food, she'll be euthanised later this week in line with the Killamory stray cat policy.

Such stories make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Explain That Medical Science .

Mary Doherty, who lives at a care home in Manchester has just celebrated her 102 nd birthday, she puts her long life doon to not eating vegetables, the only acceptable ones are the traditional potatoes, peas and onions. Her friend at the rest home Maggie Redmond will be celebrating her birthday in June, and when asked what present she would like she replied, "to be featured on Old Bitter balls and to have Old Knudsen sexually defile me", well Maggie I'm a sucker for a pretty young lass so send me the train fare and you (possibly yer friend too) will be defiled by yers truly .
Maggie puts her long life doon to a healthy diet of cat fetuses and drinking the blood red headed children.

I am glad to have you two lovely ladies as a part of the Knudsen Nation.

Movie Night

I like Owen Wilson, his brother Luke doesn't do enough films though. Owen as you can tell by the picture is a sexy devil except his nose is shaped like a penis, this must really cum in handy.

I had a night in at the movies the other night, which was nice. Going to my friend Ron's hoose me and my old mucker Phil La Tour headed over on public transport. Yes La Tour isn't a very Scottish name, we suspect he came from those frog Templars that settled here in Killamory in 1307 when they were kicked out of France, when Phil drinks too much he claims to be part of a secret organisation that protects the grail, he couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

A wee fat fella with a glass eye, his sister as a child used to chase him with scissors and one unfortunate time she caught him, don't get me wrong the pair are very close and always have been in fact to this day they live as common law man and wife and the children are lovely.

We took our carrier bags of beer and cider and made it to the part of Killmory where Ron lived, the air there is smelly in a chemical way due to the *Du Cont* factory near by, the housing estate was quiet and empty except for a few bucktoothed mongs playing banjos.

Ron is about 50 years old and lives with his parents, hes the smartest person I know and has a degree in Geography. The only other people I know with degrees are some of my readers and the managers at the local McDonald's.

I meself have a degree from the school of hard knocks so I can have intercourse with those who have smarts on the level they are used too. Ron loves my jokes about the Ring of Fire and the rainfall in Valencia, I can sure tell em.

He works as a caretaker (janitor to you Yanks) at the Du Cont factory but is on the sick at the moment due to the third eye growing on the top of his head, it really plays havoc with his comb over but hes always the first to spot aeroplanes flying overhead. We suspect this abnormality has something to do with his great grandfather being Portuguese, a dirty people to be sure.

Ron just bought all three of the X-men films on that laser disc DVT thing that can kill you if you watch them on long plane flights, like exploding breast inplants I suspect. I'll never surrender my VCR its a lot safer ..
I suspect I'll be doing a post about the X-men and what I would like to do to Halle Berry at a later time.

Ron's mum 'Pat' supplied us with snacks , you know before she started growing a beard and getting a silver tint to her skin I thought she was quite the MILF.

The thing I like about going to Ron's is the intelligent conversation and the lad knows Hollywood. We talked about the Alec Baldwin angry abusive phone call to his 11 year old daughter Ireland and Ron put a political Sinn Fein/DUP spin on it about Alec and Kim supposedly working together for a united Ireland but both of them wanted Ireland for their own reasons, wow I was amazed, totally drunk at the time but I got the gist and laughed like fuck, some pee may have come out but we're all lads.

Phil was getting annoying, he kept wanting to watch the Da Vinci Code again, we told him no so he sat sulking with his hands in his pockets playing pocket pool.

As the evening got later and Ron got even more inebriated his issues started to cum out. His virginity, the whole 3rd eye thing and the fact that his penis was starting to fork, no really I saw it.
I don't know if you know this about me but I like to stir up shit and I know what buttons to push on this fellow, he loves Star Wars and I think its a big load of shite, I used to like Star trek and now can only watch the original crew films, only the even ones except # 3 is ok. So I say to Ron how crap Episode one was and how Fenian Liam Neeson is, this is usually enough to get him raging, he spits out his words spraying me with saliva like Kenneth Branagh in Henry V and starts to foam at the mouth when I say anything after the first 3 films don't count. He was yelling murder at me but then his 74 year old mother got out of bed and starting stroking his forking penis to sooth him, I wouldn't of minded a bit of soothing myself.

Phil and I made our way home on foot, and with the drink and the chemicals in the air we didn't remember our trip home . I woke after sleeping the next day away and found that I had a milkman tied up on my kitchen floor, it seems that Phil had the milk float and was going to have it chopped up and sell the parts I suppose I should do the same.

*The name Du Cont has been changed to avoid any lawsuits*

Monday, 23 April 2007

What Are You Wearing?

"I'll take the trash out in a minute mom, I'm on the computer."

The Anti meme

"I don't know what to post, I know I'll do yet another meme."

1) What do you hate about the world? fuckers that do memes all the time.

2) What do you like about yourself? that I don't do memes all the time.

3) Why do you think that anyone is really interested in you? because I'm so interesting.

4) Do you think they really care about your favourite mood? everybody hangs on my every word.

5) Has your head ever totally disappeared up your own hole yet? tastes like chicken.

6) Have you ever tasted sperm that's over 3 days old? I choose not to answer this.

7) What makes your shopping lists so interesting? repetition, more memes = more fun.

8) Why are you still answering? caught up in the moment.

9) Why haven't you deleted your blog yet? I really should shouldn't I?

10) What are you going to use pills or a razor blade? 12 gauge in the mouth.

11) Things I regret: doing this meme.

12) Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Shatner.

14) Things That Scare Me: Thinking that no one wants to read my memes.

15) Things I don't understand: life which is why I'll never truly be evolved and break this chain of reincarnation.

16) Things I regret: Wasting the time of others with memes.

17) do you ever see or hear things that aren't really there? How can I if they aren't really there?

18) Who is the most interesting person you know? Me , hence the meme.

19) If you could clone one person for an orgy who would you clone? Me duh!

20) What is your favorite curse word? meme.

Why do I post this? because you are all boring and self involved cunts that think someone else really cares about what you have for breakfast, really they only want to shag you or laugh at you so wise up you boring shites and quit it with the memes. Feel free to do this meme if you love the smell of yer own farts that much.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Ode To My Itch

I was a bit disappointed as Flo told me she was an 18 year old virgin from Arbroath, ach I should have known she was lying as there is no such thing.

My Itch it started a week ago,
Given to me by a hoor named Flo.
It was doon at the docks late one dark night,
She gave me the works though my wallet was light.
I got more than I wanted from her stinky wide slot,
Now I must see a Doctor so he can give me a shot.
I scratch in the morning and all night in bed,
The balls the shaft and the smegma clogged head.
I've learned my lesson please feel sorry for me,
it burns like fuck when I'm taking a pee.
No more hoors for me for the rest of my life,
I'll become celibate, good idea I'll get me a wife.

Don't Mention The War.

So the most perverted people in the world the Germans did a search for 'bestiality' and found my blog which unless you count my 7th wife (god rest her soul) has nothing to do with bestiality so in yer face ya dirty sick Nazis, and to further annoy and best the Germans they clicked out on my Tits and Ass Blog, so if you're counting its Britain 3 Germany nil .

My Fatwa Leaks When I Fart.

Getting yer head hacked off by a pre teen with a knife is not a fun way to go but this brutality and savagery is the reason why they are winning.

There is a video circulating of a beheading of an alleged US spy by Talliban forces in Afghanistan, the shocking thing is that it was done by what looks to be a 12 year old boy, he uses a knife to hack off the man's head while all the nice religious folks around him yell "God is great" , the boy then holds up the head by the hair.

Its worst than that folks, the 12 year old boy is actually Ralph Macchio the star of at least 8 of the 27 Karate Kid movies. Macchio while being 46 years old can still pass for a 12 year old and much to his embarrassment is asked for ID when he goes out for a drink.

Its not that the roles of awkward teen ran out its the fact that he got so bitter at not being taken seriously as an actor and getting the roles to suit his age that he ran off not to join the Circus but to join the Taliban, they are still a bunch of clowns but their dancing bears are way cooler than any fucking Circus.

The gimmick to the Karate Kid films was a special move he'd learn and after he took a beating worthy of Rocky he'd use the move in the last 5 minutes, winning the day the gurl, restoring his honour and getting a smug slitty eyed smile from his trainer. Pretty shite but the kind of mong that would pay money to watch this in the cinema or to rent it out deserves it.

Friday, 20 April 2007

All Aboard The Sky Lark.

A 36-foot catamaran, was found adrift 80 nautical miles off Australia's northeast coast , its 3 crew was missing.

The only damage was to one of the sails, the engine was running, there was food on the table (Vegemite and Fosters lager probably) the laptop was turned on and was still showing the Blog 'Old Bitter Balls' on the screen. That explains the reader who has been viewing me for 58 hours and only one page, heres me thinking I was popular. The radio and GPS was all working, the emergency gear was all aboard but no life rafts.

The theories as to why the 3 men aged 56, 63 and 69 disappeared are:

Madness and suicide after reading me Blog.

Vicious Stingray attack.

Vicious Seal Lion attack.

Somali Pirates into the Old man slave trade business.

The mystery of the 3 man crew of the Kaz 11 has been compared to the 'Mary Celeste' an abandoned "ghost ship" found off the coast of Portugal in 1872. None of the Mary Celeste's crew or passengers were ever found. Though a copy of the book 'fighting, shagging and sailing round the cunting world' by Young Knudsen was found aboard.

This is my 32 ft bilge keeled Ketch "The Floater" which that cunt Bluto won from me during a game of cards . I suspect he cheated and some day I'll get my Floater back and kill Bluto for having bested me, yes I'm a bad loser got a problem with that?

Don't Shoot Until Ya See Their Big Bug Eyes.

Bekily the name of a baby ring - tailed lemur, pictured above with his mother, Mo. What is the point of me educating the world to the threat of Lemurs and flying to Madagascar out of my own pocket to lay poison traps for them if Belfast fucking zoo is going to breed them?

Because Shes Worth It.

Why do I have a picture of Salma Hayek up? maybe because shes probably the most perfect woman ever created and let me snap this picture as she walked along the beach at killamory the other day.

It must be Friday night, a nice wee run up for the weekend. I've already had searches for Rimjob, old naked, naked fuckers, wank tard, to take dump photo scat and kick the pope. I am now questioning the quality of my language usage, fuck it they can suck my big warty cock.

A Voice To Be heard.

Not many people are able to impress Old Knudsen but this one has. Author of the book 'Trouble with Islam Today: A Muslim’s Call for Reform in her Faith.' Irshad Manjl is a Canadian leezer with a brilliant intellect and uncommon courage. Death threats come with the territory but this doesn't stop her asking her questions and trying to understand the moronic Islamic extremist mindset, something all right thinking Muslims should be against.

Irshad looks at the way many Muslims cry discrimination and call for beheadings when the Prophet Muhammad is insulted and say this is merely freedom of speech, never minding the freedom of speech of those who say anything that the Muslims don't like, a nice wee double standard there.

She points out that offense is not discrimination and living in a diverse society you run the risk of being offended, that's the price you pay.

I guess in other words if you don't like someone pointing out what oppressive 7th century thinking you're living by then fuck off back to your 3rd world sand box and fuck a Camel.

Its refreshing to find this gurl with a passion to discover and understand with a ton of common sense which helps her cut through the bullying and bullshit. I will seek out her book and read it. I am now giving her the dubious honour of being an honourary Bitter Balls.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

The Friday Slag Off

Travolta has really let himself go.

I've never been too impressed with that John Travolta fella, ugly as fuck and has the acting abilities of my 4th wife faking her orgasms which is pretty crap. Now he makes geezer movies with Tim Allen, I hear its a sort of Deliverance but on motorcycles. Anyway the fat fucker can put away more pasta and chicken than Steven Seagull the famous pony tailed bad acting martial arts guy which is a lot, look at him now he looks like a big fat woman, maybe he should cut doon on the Grease if he wants to be Stayin alive, ok that last one really didn't work .

He flies his own passenger jets even though hes not allowed to park on his own home's landing strip at the moment due to the state of it but the thing I could never understand is how can those big metal planes stay up in the air as they go by so slowly? I think the only reason they crash is that the pilot has a moment of clarity and says, " how the fuck are we stayin up in the air? I don't believe in this voodoo magic anymore" and crashes.
If I flew planes and I was a big fat fuck of a Scientologist I'd hit the Slim Fast so it wouldn't crash nose first with the weight of my big belly and over sized face.

Before anyone says it, no he wasn't good in Pulp Fiction, that film sucked arse juice the only good thing that saved it was Bruce Willis and the bum sex rape scene, none of that contrived dialogue about burgers or the dopey music thats supposed to be cool but really its lame, are you really going to take cool lessons from Tarrentino as he sits in his shell suit and gushes over American Idol contestants ?
Samuel L Jackson, controlled, loud and angry, in every fucking role .

Nicolas Cage, the amount of crap you're making at the moment tells me that you're trying to make yer money before people start to notice how you haven't aged well and you have to start actually acting.
Acting yer age, Harrison Ford, you're 64 and definitely no Old Knudsen I suspect on the 4th Indiana Jones film they'll be hiring more stunt men, whats the title of the movie, Indiana Jones and the quest for senior discount ? I hear that the only bag you'll be wearing will be a colostomy bag . They killed off Kirk by making him fall off a bridge in which he broke his hip, Picard was too intimidated by him to let him live, that fucking French pussy , so Indi stay away from any icy paths and Frenchmen with English accents.
Edward Norton is going to be the next Hulk, I'm surprised anyone would do a sequel to such a shite first film, as for Norton, well done on picking yet another great role whats yer secret? do ya pick them drunk? out of a hat? or do ya not give a fuck anymore?

For those who want ta know who I like, well little Matt Damon can do no wrong (I blame Clooney and Pitt for Ocean's 12) with the next Bourne film cuming out soon 'The Bourne Absolutely' he is taking over from that crappy Bond franchise well done lad, he doesn't forget his friends either, Ben Affleck is in this new one billed as "tall thug" he gets killed in the first 15 minutes and isn't given lines as they don't want him to spoil it.

I wonder if he lets just anyone stand and watch him workout, er I mean lifting weights is just so ghey.

If I Don't Say It Who Will?

Shes thinking, " well I did the dishes, folded the clothes but I get the feeling I've forgotten something." Can you see what this Maoist Guerilla has forgotten? answer at the bottom of this post.

I'm no fan of people going into schools and killing people, ones I can think off straight off are the Hungerford massacre, the Columbine shootings, the attack on the Amish school which as far as I know doesn't have a catchy name and now the one in Virginia.
I have sympathy for the 32 victims and the families of the victims as much as I do for the 183 people who have just died in Baghdad in four bomb attacks but I really doubt they'll be getting face time on the telly or even onto t-shirts, now that makes you think and if it doesn't you're a plonker, get off my Blog.

Life is a lottery and not everyone can win, you just never know. How can anyone feel safe anywhere on a planet spinning in space full of meteors and aliens and in a world over population by self destructive dickheads?

I've been around the Blogs a bit and I see a fair bit about gun control, every time something like this happens that's the cry you hear. What about car control everytime some drunken twat on a cell phone ploughs into the family Mini van? Cars kill more people every year than guns do. Hey even the Empire state building has its own body count.

Cho Seung-Hui the 23 year old turd stain with a small penis was a nutter, he wanted to kill people and would have found a way no matter what, legal guns, illegal guns, bombs made out of shit, a hammer, knife or a can of petrol he would of found a way and it was his choice, what are you going to have petrol control? well about fucking time , you never hear of people getting doused with solar panels and burned alive.

One of the victims was a Jewish professor Liviu Librescu who had survived the Holocaust and now was shot by a pathetic mong as he helped his students escape, and this on Holocaust memorial day. I bet Cho was well too busy being a fruitcake to even notice the irony.

I'm for guns, sure do background checks and make sure they are sober etc but why should I a military trained weapons handler be unarmed when the yellow hordes are carrying Glock 17's ?
Would this wanker take on armed teachers just waiting for a student to turn bad? the fuck he would, he maybe nuts but he was no doubt a coward as well.

I say put a control on Koreans, its them that kill people not guns.

Cho was such a nice little boy, there was never any sign he would turn out like this.

I do like to set myself up for the moral high grounders and the guilt trip comments, you do a funny story about brain cancer and then someone leaves an anonymous comment about how their poor old Ma died from it, whats that supposed to achieve? I do believe I mentioned about not giving a fuck, callous sure but there go I but for the grace of God.

The Maoist Guerilla forgot to make the effort with her appearence, c'mon gurl with a bit of makeup and a smile you might not be so ugly looking.

Monday, 16 April 2007

Ramming Speed.

One of the reasons why you should use a splash guard when you cook sausages in a frying pan while wearing a thong and high heels. I like the gurl in the picture learned the hard way, you don't have to.

I am the mighty Dinosaurous Rex, watch me flail about in the tar pit of life until I'm made ex-stink by hemorrhoids from space . Then the meek shall inherit the Earth.

Some cultures are different yet very similar. American men when they meet other men do the non threatening head tilt, they jerk their heads upwards as if to say " my jaw is exposed to you which shows I mean no trouble."

The same as reaching out their right hand to shake hands, the sword hand is open and shown to be clear and non-threatening.

My people when faced with a male of unknown quantity will nod downwards while keeping their eyes on the male at all times as if to say, " you don't mess with me and I won't mess with you, but I am ready."

The soft as shite Southern English wag their tails and sniff yer hole but thats just their way.

I started talking about the thing that cricket players do when they are about to bowl to the batter, they rub the red cricket ball against their trousers as you may do to an apple before you eat it but it all just sounded so very wrong.

So these guys are rubbing their balls against their trousers furiously and the thing is that they're dressed in white to you see a big red stain near the crotch but they don't care because this has become a habit to them so they stare off while they rub away at their balls getting a good polish on it until its time for the other guy to whack the balls as hard as he can with a solid bat made out of willow.

If I did this sort of thing in the High Street on a Friday afternoon the police would be called, not that I have of course.

Have you heard about those memorial T-shirts? it seems to be an African - American thing amongst the lower classes there, In America not Africa. When someone you know dies (usually by drive thru shootings and the like) you get a t-shirt with their face on it saying something like, "Rest in peace my Homies" or "Word up Cold T in gangsta heaven" you get the idea, "my niggas died and all I got was this t-shirt" I hope when I die (if I ever will) that all my bitches will honour me with a classy t-shirt with my face on it and before you take a swig of that Holsten Pils you dribble some out into the gutter for all the ex Bloggers that have been flagged along the way in Blog related violence.

Lord Milky it seems got a warning at work about logging onto my Blog due to the graphic nature of some of my images. I don't think sitting in the Hoose of Lords among the blue blooded inbreed twats of England is the best place to be surfing with yer lap top but who is going to tell a Knight of the realm that? so I thought for a bit and decided to be more careful with the images I post, then I had a bit of sugar which got my blood sugar level up and wised up. It is my promise to all you good folk out there that I would sacrifice any of you or yer jobs for the sake of my own pervertedness and freedom of speech, if I don't speak up then who will?

There was a bit of a reaction to the picture of the man with the bottle up his arse and as a bottle may be a bit extreme we all know that men like to stick their thumbs up their own arses while they're having a wank and I really doubt that we men are the only ones that buy butt plugs and beads of woe, then again I may just be the only one, ah fuck it.

Mecca or Makkah in Saudi Arabia is the birthplace of the Prophet Muhammad, and where the religion was founded not to mention the burial place of Adam from that famous fucking duo (as long as he was on top) of Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, those are the Uncle and his friend we don't mention. So it peaked my attention when it came up on my shite meter. Could our Saudi friends and allies be interested in the wisdom of my Blog or is it a bitter Muslim counterpart to me with a short fuse? From this holy city came a search for 'Rimjob.' That just struck me as funny, not as good as the search I got from the Vatican city for 'altar boys that like to suck off old men.'

The Pope Dirk Benedict IV turned 80 recently and no I'm not going to mention how he was in the Hitler youth during WWII I mean who wasn't? I just want to wish him a happy birthday and thank heaven for little boys.

Speaking of leopards not changing their spots the German army are in trouble for suggesting that crime in New York, the Bronx I believe is perpetrated by black people. Shame on them maybe in the rest of New York a large percentage of crime is caused by Blacks and Latinos but in the Bronx everyone knows the crime is caused by Irish and Italian immigrants over bootlegging rights so cut Johnny Black fella some slag ya fucking Nazis.

In case you hadn't heard, a German army training video was uncovered that had a shooting instructor shouting at the trainee to imagine themselves in the Bronx, "a black van pulls up in front of you and three African-Americans get out and start really insulting your mother... act!".

The soldier opens fire and shouts obscenities in English, as the instructor encourages him to curse even louder.

It happens to me all the time, my mother tends to break a lot of hearts and robs them while they are sleeping.

You know I am not surprised that the Germans lose all their wars, what ever happened to controlling yer breathing, calm and collectedly counting the rounds you shoot off ? when you make war all personal and kill people out of hate well professionalism just flys out the window. I of course blame the Pope and Hans Gruber from Die hard as played by Alan Rickman, fucking cunts.

I Blog Therefore I Am.

In Iran the government is putting restrictions onto Iranian Bloggers telling them to register themselves.
They already control the papers so now they want to control not just what the people read and hear but what they think and write.Blogs will have to come into line with government policies or they will be closed doon and no doubt a prison sentence with a side of torture.

In that other cunt of a cuntry China there are 30 thousand people employed to control the Blogs, it makes you appreciate our civilised world a bit more, our governments are not total wankers and if they get on like wankers we can complain about it in our Blogs now that's civilised.

Preach To The Trekkies And Hope They Stop Their Terrorist Activities.

Even Beta Liked a little head.

A next Generation Star Trek 1990 episode called 'The High Ground' predicted the reunification of Ireland by 2024.
The Android Beta said it had happened due to a successful terrorist campaign, then made a post vanish and closed doon for maintenance for an hour.

Shows you what the fuck they know as we won the war get over it and the words success and terrorist never lead to peace and reconciliation but leads to the murder of weemen and children on a Saturday afternoon while at their shopping.

The episode is being shown as part of the Art's Festival in Belfast not to rub it in on how stupid Star trek is or to make some lame political statement but to get some sad trekkies to attend and explain about censorship as back then in the 90's Republican politicians had to have actors dub their voices on TV as politicians that supported terrorists where not allowed to be heard, something I myself believe in when you listen to Evangelicals and White supremacists. Also many songs were banned from the radio if their content was sexual or unagreeable in nature, if it was up to me I'd ban the lot of them and only Bagpipe music and Dame Vera Lynn would be acceptable, put that in yer I-pod and smoke it .

The BBC and RTE both refused to show it but I believe that cable has shown it since. The episode takes place on a planet dripping with terrorism and Dr Crusher is taken hostage while caring for the wounded .
Is it just me or should Picard really be someone's butler/manservant? and that big brown turd fella Worf, does that not sound like someone boaking?

Close But No Haggis.

The Jacobite forces of Prince Charles Edward Stuart (Bonnie Prince Charlie) met again with the British Army under the Duke of Cumberland. (Butcher Cumberland)
This reenactment of the battle of Culloden is being filmed for a new visitor attraction centre near Inverness. It could not be filmed at the actual battlefield due to the modern buildings and roads around it so they went to lauder moor..

In the reenactment as in the actual battle of 1746 the English beat the snot out of the Scots causing the chicken shit Prince to bravely run away and to become a part of romanticised history and for years of oppression against all things Scottish by the English, a quick reminder to the my English readers, you're all cunts.

I'm no fan of the Prince and the highland cause as their tastes are a little bit too catholic for me and the Prince was a dirty Eyetie anyway but the English went after everyone Scottish, even the lowland Scots that fought for England. Yet again the English thought they could overcome a simple people with might , a lesson the Yanks so far have not learned from .

The battle happened 16th April 1746 and ended any hopes for the exiled Stuart dynasty to get back on the throne of Britain, for more about it go here to a post I did a while back.

The Battle

Towards 1pm, 251 years ago, the Jacobite guns on Drummossie Moor opened fire which prompted an immediate response from their Hanoverian opponents. The government fire power was to prove superior and around an hour later 1,000 Jacobites lay dead, rising to 1,500 in the aftermath of the bloody battle.
The Gaelic poet and Jacobite soldier John Roy Stuart summed up the Jacobite defeat -'Woe is me for the plaided troops scattered and routed everywhere at the hands of these utter foxes of England who observed no fairness at all in the conflict; though they won the battle, it was not from the courage or the skill of them but the westward wind and the rain coming down on us from the lands of the lowlanders.
'It was not of course a Scots versus English affair, it was much more complicated than that but the outcome was vastly different for the two royal cousins who opposed one another on that fateful day. Prince Charles Edward Stewart was forced to take to the heather before escaping to France, all hope of restoring his father to the thrones once occupied by the Stewarts gone for ever, but for his cousin, William Augustus, Duke of Cumberland, the adulation for having safeguarding his father's Hanoverian throne lay ahead.
The German had defeated the Italian!
The Battle of Culloden fought on 16 April 1746 only lasted as long as it would take you to walk round the battlefield but it put in motion the death of the Clan system and the death-knell of Gaeldom. Loyal and Jacobite clans were to suffer over the following months - indeed right down through the past 2 ½ centuries.
Culloden is one of the most important battles to be fought on Scottish soil and a battle which still divides Scots and emotionally rugs at the heart. Standing on the field at Drummossie, hearing the pipes play is a great heart-rending experience, for regardless of one's opinion of the Italian Prince, no one can.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Old Knudsen Doon

If you catch crabs in Iraq you really catch crabs, these fuckers itch like Hell doon yer trousers, they are known as Camel toe spiders.

Its official, its been 8 months since I started this piece of shit otherwise known as a Blog. We've had hard times, sad times and times you have just wanted to slap me but we've made it through. I still have no idea why you read but I see you on my shite meter and I say welcome, read what you want and then fuck off until next time.

Another landmark is reaching and passing 20,000 visitors, well actually my meter is 100 behind but I like to see the pretty numbers, so just like crossing the Equator I follow the tradition of drinking a bottle of Rum and spilling some onto my keyboard for the Gods of Blogging, well that didn't work out too well but I had a spare keyboard from the time Alan used to live here, that's the guy I left for dead in the potting shed, a lovely family the kids call me Uncle and always send me shortbread at Christmas.

Due to all the attention the 15 detainees from the Navy and Marines have been getting I would just like to remind people of my story. I was a prisoner of war and though I have a hard time talking about it I feel like you lot are my friends and know you won't judge or condemn me, well MJ might, and Kav, Kieran and that cunt Niolk, oh and not to mention Foot Eater, Eddie, Sam problem-child-bride, that primal sneeze fucker and all those ever superior Yanks , apart from that I should be ok, well not really people go out of their way to annoy me it seems.

Here is my story.

In the closing years of my 'official' military service I was a member of 21 SAS. I was old and tired and had 2 weeks to my retirement, then Saddam Hussein decided to teach me a lesson. He had been sending me nasty letters and making crank calls at my home saying that I had an extra week on my contract of training his troops how to handle chemical weapons. I'd worked week-ends so he could go and fuck off. He said he'd teach me a lesson and a day later he was invading Kuwait for slant drilling oil across the Iraqi border what a fucker, he knew they would call me in.

Lieutenant General Sir Peter Edgar de la Couer de la Billière called me himself they needed the old 'Storm bringer' no one else could do it, sure my ego was inflated, he always knew how to rope me in.
I'd be on my own (as nobody would work with me) getting dropped in by helicopter into Iraqi territory to sabotage their Scud missiles, a piece of piss in and out.

I was flown in under the cover of darkness and dropped at the wrong fucking place, bloody fly boys all hopped up on caffeine tablets. I found myself in Scud Alley and 35 kilometres to the south of my target.
I tightened my 210 pound backpack and proceeded to walk. 12 kilometres into the yomp I needed a dump (even heroes have to shit) in line with special farce procedures I shat into a bag which I would carry with me for fear of detection, you don't leave a trace that you were ever there.
While I was bearing doon on my load awaiting the turtle's head a young boy herding goats appeared, we froze for a second which seemed like forever staring then he turned and ran, I was discovered.
Since then many have asked me "why didn't you just didn't kill the boy?" and I've always said some noble rubbish about how I couldn't face myself if I killed him but really I was in the middle of a KA and I only managed to get 2 shots off which missed.

I packed up my shit and continued on, soon the Sandsavages were onto me like a swarm of bees. I killed at least 150 by my left hand and 200 by my right, my blood was up and the rage was on then they pulled a fast one, they got 2 beautiful naked weemen (must of been Iranian) which lured me into a bath of cold water which then cooled my thirst for slaughter and they were able to capture me.
At some base they interrogated me for hours flicking my neck and measuring me with a tape but I wasn't going to talk, all they got from me was my name, rank , mumber, how I took me tea and my views on what the fuck was wrong with the middle east and how Muslim men all have penis issues. That didn't go doon too well and several of my interrogators ran out crying, poor lads.

When I had ran out of officers to question me they threw me into a cell and played at full blast a CD called, 'that's what I call shite music now' . What seemed like years of listening to Vogue, The Love Shack and worse of all Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini as sung by Bombalurina headed by Timmy Mallet, did you know that Andrew Lloyd Webber produced that shit? no wonder I hate the pair of them.

In the middle of Milli Vanilli's 'Blame it on the rain' it got turned off and in walked Iraqi secret police otherwise known as the 'White Socks'.

Interrogation turned more aggressive, I was slapped and given chinese burns on my wrists, at one stage they forced me to clean the toilets and eat the feces, well as its rude to talk with my mouth full they had to wait until I was done eating.

I must confess that I cracked, when they refused to let me clean the toilets anymore I told them everything, from the time I was separated from my mummy in a market to the time I had came home from school to find my parents had moved hoose. I offered to go on TV and confess about the Aberdeen genital wart epidemic of 82 but the bastards refused, for fucks sake I just wanted to get onto the telly.

They did mock executions to break me further, well it was more like performance art, being a former member of the RSC (Royal Shakespeare Company) I gave them tips and called them darling a lot.
It seems they were in a hurry to get me back to coalition forces but they had a hard time finding someone to drive me, only the most suicidal of the bombers could handle the 5 hour drive.
Poor suicidal bombers, those lads are really depressed in fact my one was crying by the end of the journey and kept saying "whats the point?" and I thought I had reached him, he blew himself up after dropping me off and shouting, "thank fuck, peace at last" I guess some folks just don't like conversation.

I got back and was debriefed and then got counciling for my abandonment issues, those fucking Ragheads never called me once.
I only really got closure recently when I was flown in to hang Saddam.

Its People That Kill People Not Buildings

Strawberry jam everywhere what an inconsiderate shite, fucking Lawyers, probably just a cry for help anyway.

Moshe Kanovsky, a lawyer in his 30s jumped to his death from the 69th floor of the Empire State building, what an excellent way for a Lawyer to commit suicide it shows real class and style and I bet he sniggered about the 69th floor on the way doon too.

So far 30 people have killed themselves by jumping from the building since it was erected in 1931 so its a real danger to the public .

Friday, 13 April 2007

Old Knudsen Declares.

I thought medicine was a science.

Because Paul Is A Nice Guy

A man you can trust.

Paul Wolfowitz who is the President of the World Bank and the chief Architect responsible for invasion of Iraq even though he was excused from military service in Vietnam through student deferments so knows fuck all about war like the rest of the Bush Admin is in a spot of trouble for promoting and advancing the career of his gurlfriend who is also a World Bank employee. There was reports of them having broken up but we here at Old Bitter Balls know a load of old balls when we hear it.
Wolfowitz is descended from Polish Jews who moved to the states in 1920 to escape persecution though many of his family left behind died in the Holocaust . You'd think being the ultimate targets for hate would bring you to some understanding of hate itself but it seems to make you just like those who persecuted you in the first place, much like the abused becoming the abusers. Paul's father was a Zionist so he was a bit unstable to start with, Paul's sister immigrated to Israel so ya got some bitter Jews here and throw in a smidgeon of Slav and you have a recipe for destruction.
He has apologised for promoting his gurl and claims it wasn't self interest so that should be ok then. I'm not sure if hes still paying her the big bucks for her um rent.

Has it not occurred to anyone that maybe the woman in question Shaha Riza is worth the big bucks? maybe she is just better than everyone else.

Shaha Riza, she can't type but she gives good dictation , she can't use a computer for fear of breaking her nails but who cares, this gurl is worth the big bucks and the scandal.

Ok then this is really Riza, different story now, crucify the fuckers. Would I give her a big raise?

Cure For The Middle East

The Genghis Khan way, kill anyone that's taller than the axle of a wagon.

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Want To Play Spin The Bottle?

Soooo unlucky you had to check out my Blog today, hey it must be Friday the 13th, well if you haven't shorted out yer computer by boaking over it the post below tells you all about this special day,"hey Jimmy, stop hogging the drink and give me a swig."

Friday The 13th

Ohhh love ta love ya baby. Old Knudsen is very unsure but strangely aroused.

It is Old Knudsen's aim to make everyone lucky today by putting up a picture that is so nasty you'll curse yerself for clicking onto my Blog of misfortune, if this picture or the one above it is the worse that today can bring then by my logic you'll be lucky. If not then I've just added to yer woes and got Kav and Sassy fired for surfing the web when they should have been working, ah well.
This post is dedicated to all those Paraskevidekatriaphobics out there, thats people afflicted with a morbid, irrational fear of Friday the 13th, before we start I should just say wise up ya fucking wusses I bet ya also sleep with the light on too.

Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor. If you have 13 letters in your name, you will do the devil's work ,Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and Theodore Bundy . Yes Jack the Ripper was his actual name.

There is a superstition that if 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year, please try it out. the Norse had this fear as played out in their mythology.

Twelve gods were invited to a banquet at Valhalla. Loki, the evil one and greatest Blogger in the world had been left off the guest list but crashed the party, bringing the total number of attendees to 13. True to character, Loki raised hell by goading Hod, the blind god of winter, to attack Balder the Good, who was a favorite of the gods. Hod took a spear of mistletoe offered by Loki and obediently hurled it at Balder, killing him instantly. All Valhalla grieved and left nasty comments on his Blog. The Norse Gods at this party did all die.

There was said to be 13 at the last supper and that didn't turn out too well and Friday was the day of the week on which Christ was crucified.

It was on a Friday, that Eve tempted Adam with the forbidden fruit. The Great Flood began on a Friday, God tongue-tied the builders of the Tower of Babel on a Friday, the Temple of Solomon was destroyed on a Friday and it was on a Friday that I got my test results about the rash.

In pagan Rome, Friday was execution day (later Hangman's Day in Britain those were the days), but in other pre-Christian cultures it was a day of worship.
The name "Friday" cums from the Norse deity Frigg or Freya, both figures have intertwined over time.
Thirteen had been revered in prehistoric goddess-worshiping cultures, because it corresponded to the number of lunar menstrual cycles in a year, its all about the Vadge with those weemen.

When the Patriarchal religions grew stronger the early Christian leaders made Friday a day not to worship on as that's what the dirty heathens did, you can call it 'Good Friday' all you want but Jesus didn't think it was so good.

Over time the unlucky 13 and Friday bumped uglies and for those with nothing better to do became a thing to be feared. Unlucky Friday + unlucky 13 = unluckier Friday. Then there was those Friday 13th slashers films which were all shite and as scary as a puppy.

The Chinese regard the number 13 as lucky, as did the Egyptians in the time of the Pharaohs but the Chinese are dog eating morons and the Pharaohs are long dead so what do they know?
Enjoy yer Friday, 13th or no because it is a Friday and its the weekend yay! drink! gurls! party! and those that work on weekends well you're just naturally unlucky, God has to fuck some people over so the others can have a good time.

An American Of Course

Enjoy yer coffee in yer Caffe with the one too many 'f's , you have doubted the manhood of my entire nation (even the weemen)and I suspect you to be in collusion with the Iranians how does yer coffee taste now? bitter like my balls?

I just knew you cunts would annoy me when I started this Blog and here it is. A couple of days short of my 8 month anniversary and I've had to put one of my long time insulters er commenters into The Gallery of Wankers. I actually thought I'd have more of you in there but no one bit with all the brabbling bait I've been writing.

Poor old Rich, the constant amount of coffee combined with a marching band addiction has been his doon fall, please feel free to click on the gallery to view his shame.

After we finish our coffee we'll have lots of cowboy bumsex, that should cheer you up spidy.

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

A Slice Of History

The Cromarty Lighthoose, lets hope this light works.

In 1914 Winston Churchill who was appointed as The first sea lord went to visit the fleet which was moored at Loch Ewe on the coast of Ross and Cromarty in northwest Scotland.
While aboard Admiral Jellicoe's flagship Iron Duke and drinking the Admiral's brandy Churchill convinced himself that the owner of a near-by hoose was signaling the Germans with a searchlight that was mounted on the roof.
The hoose was owned by a senile 75 year old former conservative member of parliament Sir Arthur Bignold and the light didn't even work.
The tipsy First lord got some pistols and with a Rear-Admiral, Vice-Admiral, the Director of Naval intelligence and two Commodores he held the senile old bugger and his butler at gunpoint while they investigated.
The raid was of course quite silly but the first World War had just started and they were in no doubt eager to kill some Huns, I know I always am.

Not a complete waste of time as one of the Commodores pointed out to Churchill the vulnerability of Bacchante class cruisers that had been on patrol since the start of the war, these ships because they were manned by cadets and young married reservists had been given the nickname "the Livebait Squadron" this horrified Churchill and he made changes the next day.
Later Churchill was to use the term Livebait in referring to Bacchante class cruisers and the next day 3 of them were easily sunk by German U-boats killing 1,459 men, the press made sure the Livebait comment would haunt him and tried to blame him for endangering the lives of the sailors.

Old Knudsen In Love Again.

I spied this young lass on Eddie Waring's Blog and fell for her immediately. I have no idea why she has been put with that post as she is clearly a lady of beauty and class and I must buy and import her NOW!
Eddie for the sake of eternal love please return my e-mails with her name and any details you know instead of the rude replies calling me a sick fucker, I'm not sick I just have a dodgy tummy, Delhi Belly to my readers in India.

Old Knudsen's Big Adventure.

I've been talking about the Sun newspaper recently and was put in mind of the cartoon strip Axa, a blonde hottie in post-apocalyptic Earth in the year 2070 who wore a bikini and swung a sword, she tended to get naked alot which was in line with the rest of the paper, ran from 1978 to 1986.

Old Knudsen's life isn't all just about private jets, drinking Cristal and large hairy men, oh no I'm just like yer average Joe Blogger on the street, except maybe better. I was at the shops getting my messages (grocery shopping you dumb yanks) and as of late I've had a dodgy tummy so when I got the gurgling of the squirts I clenched my cheeks and hobbled my way to the back of the shop in a dignified way but some fucker was already in there. I could hear the toilet paper rattling out of the dispenser. I eyed up the ladies' toilets but as the staff know me they watched me like a Hawk. I started to have hot flashes and cramps and that's when I started to rap the door with my walking stick, well I don't want to go into all the unseemly details but that bastard was in there for good and a bit too late for me, with my flashes pasted I walked off to do my shopping and then the bastard came out. A short man, wearing grey trousers and a grey jacket and he looked a little foreign to me, not in a dirty Slav way or a slimy eyetie way but sort of Iranian if you know what I mean. The bugger headed straight for the exits so I suspected some kind of terrorist action in the toilets or Restrooms as a Yank would call them though it can be sometimes hard work and no time to rest, then again we call them Bathrooms and they don't have baths did I go off topic again? did I have a topic? so anyway I looked towards the rent 'a' cop security guard who looked about 12 and could be knocked doon in a stiff breeze he would be no help, not even as a human shield. I headed over to the bogs with grim determination set onto my face and a stain that was get larger in the arse of me trousers, this was hero work, how does the same shit happen to the same guy every other day? maybe I should see a Doctor.

I stepped inside and yes it was a terrorist act possibly gas, the toilet bowl had been pebble dashed the paper was all used up, on the floor was some kitchen roll the workers had been using to clean with, it had been urgently pressed into action as shite wipe.

I didn't find any dirty bombs or crazed Muslims, there were some wads of tissue on the floor which I cleverly avoided, and yes the kitchen roll was quite soft and I was impressed at the suction of the toilet.
All cleaned up I went to wash my hands in the sink but it look a little grubby so I didn't bother. Its a well known fact that germs wear off the more stuff you touch so as the produce section was nearby I touched a lot of fruit and veg unnecessarily as I didn't want to go home with dirty hands.

I was standing in line at the checkout glancing at the front pages of the impulse buy magazines and I saw Cosmopolitan or Cosmo as we in the know call it, well I haven't actually ever read one but this cover peaked my interest. "Top ten things men crave in bed" wow some weemen really want to please their men, just not the ones I end up with. What would I crave in bed? well the obvious of course which is a nice cup of tea, Nambarrie being my brand and maybe some Ginger nuts to dunk, and sometimes maybe a Big Mac, to think a woman would go out at all hours to get her man a burger, they taste like shite but I usually don't care until 5 minutes after eating it. Sometimes when I wake up I fancy a nice can of beer or some Chinese barbecue ribs. The woman to fulfill my every craving may just be a keeper but as for 10 cravings, c'mon lads wise up don't be greedy.

The same magazine had on the other side of the page, "how to climax together" I may have to go back and buy that issue as who the hell climaxes together? the man cums and the woman takes care of herself later, that's in the fucking Bible and you can't argue with God, well you could but you'd be wrong.
Silly New age crap, don't upset the balance of things. I think that magazine had its head up its hole maybe I should write into to them.

I got my things rung up and you should have seen the dozy cow that was bagging my stuff, she kept looking at her cell phone every 2 minutes and giving an attitude, Among my items I had bought 4 packets of salt and vinegar peanuts but when I got home there was only 3, the bastards, the total fucking bastards, I got so mad I kicked the cat and sent it flying, oh don't worry its not my cat I'm looking after it for a neighbour.
Heres what I think, the baggers are given a commission by the store management on every item they can get rung up but not give to the customer, people think I'm paranoid but those are the ones that become food for the Alien Overlords.

Now for something completely different we regret to inform you.

Mark Langford who ran an accident compensation firm that collapsed with £100m in debts in 2003 died in a car crash in Spain, this fucker told 2,500 of his staff by a text message they were not going to get paid, to quote " "Urgent. Unfortunately salaries not paid. Please do not contact office. Full details to follow later...."
This man also knocked doon and killed with his Ferrari a 73 year old man and was only fined £1,000 for it .
What was I saying about different rules for the rich? well you rich cunts, even you can't escape Karma.

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Talking Out Of Uranus.

The Yupik Eskimos of western Alaska in yet another try to goad the Kola Norwegians of the Russian Kola Peninsula into a war have made the claim that they are enriching Uranium on an industrial scale and will defend their raw meat eating ways against any UN resolutions.
The Kola Norwegian ambassador in a statement today said " we are very concerned about these claims but doubt we'll have any sort of Armageddon for at least 10 years, though you should keep an eye on those cunts."
Old Knudsen the greatest Blogger in the world commented from his Malibu home, "When I was frying eggs today I got a yoke with some blood in it, we're all proper fucked to be sure."

Let Them Eat Cake

While I'm on the subject of angry sex did you hear about the Tsunami about a week ago in the Solomon islands? about 39 people dead which is always unfortunate. They have been complaining about the lack of government aid to help them.

Then I got to thinking if a disaster happened 100 years ago what did they do? did they go on about the bloody government? what about Pompeii when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD hiding the city for 1,600 years, did the people expect Rome to send out a task force and help the survivors live, if so would it be ROMA and not FEMA?

When Katrina hit a lot of the people huddled in a Stadium and waited for help or on their roof tops, then they complained when it wasn't fast enough, and played the race card, victims to be sure.

Heres my point, poor people in a disaster are just as fucked as those 100 years ago, no in fact Oxfam will send you mosquito nets for yer bed, you know the bed that floated away on you but getting a package always cheers people up.

Everyone thinks they live in a socialist country when mother nature destroys their town a most convenient attitude, sorry folks if you were rich or famous you'd get help stat as rich and famous people are at least 1000 times more better and important than poor people, that's the way it is their lives are far more valuable and their shit don't stink. A 1000 troops could die in Iraq but if one of them was a famous American Footballer guess who gets the air time? poor or unfamous families don't grieve or feel pain, that's a proven medical fact.

The most vile and widely read newspaper in Britain by the common man 'The Sun' would have headlines like this and in this order.

'The Queen is recuperating after her ingrown toenail surgery' full story centre pages.

'Off To Phwoarr' Page 3 beauties Ruth, Becky and Mel visit the troops.

' Is Robbie off to rehab again?'

'3000 killed in an earthquake in Wherethefuckistan' see blurb on page 12.

Monday, 9 April 2007

Young People, They Don't Know They're Born.

Giovanni Ribisi wants his DNA back.

One of the sailors that was held captive by the Iranians for 13 days has revealed what was in the gift bags they were given before they were freed. 20 year old Arthur Batchelor the youngest of the servicemen/woman complained about having his £160 i-Pod taken from him and given a lot of junk in return.

I didn't know that i-pods were standard Navy issue, it seems as if they aren't taking their job too seriously.

They're out there surrounded by Iranian gunboats with 50 mm guns trained on them and suddenly a cell phone goes off, the chavy sailor looks at it and says, "its me mam I'd better take it." I'm sure the Iranian motherfuckers would understand, they may possibly have mams too, and maybe even a short list of fathers as well.

When I was serving (oh here we go again) we weren't allowed no Gramophones or Walkermans, maybe if they weren't plugged into Kenny G they might have noticed the gunboats speeding towards them, and as for Faye Turney you don't keep taking smoke breaks when captured by hostile Sandsavages.

I don't know what the services are coming too, someone did point out that never in any other era have British servicemen acted in such a way when captured .

Now they have the option of selling their stories to the press, too late for damage control Blair this has embarrassed the nation and also the 15 detainees who will forever question themselves and be held to scrutiny by their brothers in arms, especially the Royal Marines as they are an elite unit.

This whipper snapper Batchelor then slags off the gifts he got, young people don't appreciate anything these days.

11 books on how and why you should convert to Islam excellent reading I'm sure, a CD of Mohammed's greatest hits including "Goat rape at the Oasis" and " One is the loneliest bomber", he also got a DVD of the Iranian made film "Uncle Sam Screwed My Mother" starring Sean Penn and Jane Fonda and strangely enough it wasn't about healthcare or social security.

The last items were toffees and pistachio nuts, I mean who doesn't like them? at least it wasn't those stinking figs those animals eat.

He was also given a camel pocket pussy which he has decided to keep out of diplomatic etiquette.

I don't know what his problem was I'm sure the ungrateful little oik has put in some kind of claim form for his i-Pod and the tax payer will foot the bill.

On top of all that he got a new outfit of clothes, those grey suits were quite popular in the 80's, now that hes home he should buy a nice pink tie to go with it, is that not the height of fashion or what? he also complained that his Hugo Boss shirt was a fake, send this little whiner back to Iran for fucks sake, to quote, " I could pick up a better outfit at a jumble sale."

You joined the Navy, that shows right away you know fuck all you're all the big man now, the lot of you should just keep yer heads doon and mouths shut and be glad you got out of it alive.

Now we get to look forward to the BBC dramatisation of it starring Peter or Colin Firth and maybe Sean Bean if we're lucky, if only Colin Farrel could do an accent other then Irish, I doubt the BBC could afford him

I could be a casting director, "now Giovanni , say after me, cor blimey gov."