Wednesday 21 March 2007

Straight to DVD.

Catholics are advised for their own safety not to look into Big Ian's eyes for too long.

The family of Northern Ireland political leader and God's representative on Earth Ian Paisley has revealed it has commissioned the writer Gary Mitchell to come up with a movie script about the DUP leader's life.

I kid you not, since the Queen film was a hit and now they are planning one about Margaret Thatcher so Mr Ian Bitter Balls Paisley has jumped on the band wagon.

Some of the money has already been raised through the usual fund raisers and protection rackets and they say they will be using Northern Ireland talent, that last bit may be a little bit difficult.

Mitchell has in the past wrote plays sympathetic to the Protestant Loyalist cause so expect the Paisley in the movie to rescue kittens and fight off groups of armed Taigs.

They are hoping a big star will play the role of Paisley but instead Liam Neeson has said he is interested in playing the part. A big tall man with a god awful Northern Ireland accent a role Neeson is well suited for as he is quite limited in his roles. Neeson did play the Irish hero - ish Michael Collins.

Tall, ugly as fuck and a bad accent . Neeson was made for this role except for one thing, he looks too much like a Fenian, we can tell you know.

The DUP (Paisley's political party) don't really like Neeson (probably something silly like him being Catholic) and a few years back objected to him being offered the freedom of his home town of Ballymena and that led to the actor refusing the honour.

Ah Ballymena, I was stationed at St Patrick's barracks for a while, I can't really tell you what kind of work I was doing there, not that its classified its just that I drank a lot back then and can hardly remember it.
The town was in Northern Ireland's Bible belt and full of hard drinking farmers. Those stupid enough to leave the barracks looking like a soldier would get beaten up by the locals, me with my Scottish accent could blend in enough with their culchie dialect as it can almost sound Scots sometimes.

The Protestants always tried to get rid of the Catholics out of Ballymena but they hung on like a chav to Burberry. Big Ian Paisley or as he is affectionately known as Alien Paisley would walk in front of the Protestant parades during the 12th of July waving and shaking hands, sometimes he would cure lepers and heal the blind if he had the time.

The movie is said to end in a car chase and a fight with the Fenian cock sucker Gerry Adams on the roof of Belfast city hall which Paisley obviously wins by throwing Adams off and impaling him on a handy spike of some kind and utters the line," I said NO SURRENDER! you terrorist cunt".

Paisley is big news it seems, a county Down film company has also gotten funding for a Paisley movie but it has nothing to do with the Paisley family.

Sinn Fein cock sucker er I mean leader Gerry Adams is wondering why he isn't getting a film. Hes already dispatched his minions to the morons in America to raise funds for one and has sent a few good men (the only ones with fingers left) to teach South American guerillas how to make bombs in return for drugs to sell. Colin Farrell and the guy that played Gollem have shown interest in the lead role.


Who will play scumbag Gerry Adams?



Gollem sure does have the look.

A cold blooded murdering Lemur would be ideal, I suspect Adams of having Lemur somewhere up his family tree.

15 comments:

FirstNations said...

i seem to have missed these on my recent rampage across the emerald isle.

thank GOD.

The Mistress said...

Does the script call for Paisley and Adams to engage in nekkid wrestling?

They're going to need to hire a fluffer for the Fenian Cocksucking scenes.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Liam Neeson playing Ian Paisley? I might say that continually from here to eternity and still never quite believe it.

Liam Neeson is gorgeous! Ian Paisley is a wicked old man with his twisted soul written all over his bitter face. I just can't associate one with the other. It's beyond me.

Gerry Adams is even more wicked. Some sort of reptile or crawling thing would have the best shot at portraying him accurately on screen.

Old Knudsen said...

Liam Neeson playing Ian Paisley

I was just as shocked when I heard about it on the news, I doubt they'll let him.

Mike said...

A movie all about Ian Paisley's life.

I can't wait zzzzzzzzzzzz

Momentary Madness said...

There is no doubt a likeness between Gerry Adams and the Lemur
a slight whiskers touch up and a shite pair of sprctacles like Gerry wears and Ian's your uncle.

ellie said...

Oh I can't wait, especially for the scene in the European Parliament when the Reverend Rt Hon Ian Paisley addresses Pope John Paul II ....

"I denounce you, Anti-Christ!
I refuse you as Christ's enemy and Antichrist with all your false doctrine."

Jesus, this could give the Da Vinci code a run for its money!

tony said...

wouldnt it help the Peace Process if they made an Irish Brokenback Mountain?
adds a whole new meaning to fuck The Pope

Pickled Olives said...

how odd to think of an Irish Bible Belt. I'll need to think on this. I can't imagine it's as scarey as the USA southern Bible belt.

Old Knudsen said...

Mike, we meet again glad to see you're all up for it.

Paddy, If only Ian was my uncle, ah to be of his holy blood.

Ellie, a bowel movement could give the Da Vinci code a run for its money.

Tony, shame on you, remind me to kill you later, or at least put you into a post, yes i have a plan.

Pickled olives, where do you think the southern Baptist types got it from?

D. C. Warmington said...

I for one am looking forward to the film. In particular, the scene in which he is courting the future Mrs Paisley by shouting sweet nothings in her ear.

Old Knudsen said...

very good, I hear he shouts "Ulster" when he cums. I mean who doesn't?

Pickled Olives said...

Ah, the southern baptist are a sober group. At least they drink in your bible belt. That has to loosen them up a bit.

Old Knudsen said...

Yeah the Yanks do go to extremes but you do get the odd sober fanatic.

Old Knudsen said...

He swallows for Martin Mcguiness.