Saturday, 31 March 2007

Pam Sunday

No relation to any Bloggers of the same name I hope as wanking to that would freak me out.

Its Palm Sunday I suppose, something to do with the end of lent that the Catholics talk about doing but never do, like New years resolutions its the thought that counts. It celebrates the time when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey from the south gate which fulfilled a prophecy saying that the Protestant messiah would do so, its all politics. Well I don't give a fuck you'll all be surprised to hear so I have designated this Pam Sunday, devoted to anyone named Pamela. To feel extra pammy today I will be having sex with Pamela and her five sisters while reading this Pam post. Here is the poem from that sex pot Pam Ayres, its the one that made her famous and the inspiration for the fine poetry that I myself write .

I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.
When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'Didn't seem worth the time...
I could bite!If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,

The murder of fiIlin'sInjections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.
So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."
How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

Pamela Anderson back in the day when she was actually attractive.

Pam Dawber from Mork and Mindy I heard she was 7 foot tall.

My favourite Pam, Pamela Stephenson. Born in New Zealand but quick to become Australian which shows good sense, she did a brief stint in Saturday Night Live, was in the film Superman 3 but became famous in Britain for being in 'Not The Nine O'clock News' which gave a lot of young stars their break, shes also married to that fine Scotsman Billy Connolly.

And I'm done, anyone got a Tissue? not to worry heres a dirty sock.

Bono Sells Out And Not In A Stadium.

Bono half hiding his face in shame receives the KBE which also cums with a set of matching ear rings.

Bono the lead singer of some obscure Irish group (possibly The Corrs I can't remember) was awarded a honourary knighthood in Dublin by the British Ambassador.
The singer's title is Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire or KBE for short.
He cannot use the title 'Sir' as he is not a British citizen but he now belongs to Great Britain and can be ordered to command a regiment to go off and fight the French at any time if needed.

The Knighthood caused a little friction with his band mates as Bono is not allowed to sing the song "Bloody Sunday" anymore but his KBE gives him 10% off at Tescos so he told his guitarist the Hedge, Curly, Larry and Mo to "go fuck."

Other non-Brits that got the KBE include Bob Geldof, Bill Gates, Placido Domingo, Rudolf Giuliani , George W Bush and Steven Spielberg .

Bono hopes the accolade (not alcoholic lemonade) will help him in talks about Third World debt and help him to pick up younger chicks as hes 46 and the tight leather pants just aren't doing it anymore, hes sick of the middle aged hoosewife groupie which is bad because older weemen know more.

Thursday, 29 March 2007

More Bush Babies.

Hey Blair! don't be such a pussy. Just go in and take them, remember when the Camel Jockeys captured Jessica Simpson and we sent in a team to rescue her? just drop a few nukes on them and say "woops we mistook Iran for Iraq again our bad" and even if they fire off the hidden rusty nukes that they bought from Russia those Sandsavages don't have GPS so they'll most likely hit France and who cares?
Being King means you can do anything.

Update from the UN ......... Getting tough on Iran

"No really it would be awfully nice if you could immediately no sorry I didn't mean to sound aggressive what I meant to say if you could see your way to releasing the sailors if its no trouble that would be super, thanks, maybe we'll do lunch some time?"

When Men Have Urges

The British military have always loved animals, especially the Welsh here is Billy the goat with his 'handler' (shall we call him) from the Royal Welsh Fusiliers.

When I was serving in Africa trying to catch Eyeties to shoot as they ran to the protection of their German Nazi friends our officer got shot from behind by a stray bullet so we were assigned a new one.

The new Captain during his first inspection of the outfit, noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked me who was a Sergeant then why the camel is kept there. Not knowing if he was a stuck up twat or not I nervously said "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post ..... and no women.

And sir,sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked me to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls his trousers doon,and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he was done, he stood smoking a cigarette with a big goofy grin on his face and asked me, "Is that how the men do it?"

No ...... not really, sir," ... " They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Aren't the English a strange people?

Now We're In Trouble.

Set the 15 free or I'll emasculate you more.

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Very Compassionate People......The Rescue.

British female sailor Faye Turney the 14 servicemen seized with her have been paraded on Iranian TV . Leading Seaman Turney was shown separate from the others wearing a headscarf and smoking, she has made statements along the lines of how friendly her captives are and that they are all unharmed .

"They were very friendly and very hospitable, very thoughtful, good people."
"They explained to us why we had been arrested. There was no aggression, no hurt, no harm. They
were very, very compassionate."
The gunboats surrounding them all had non aggressive smiley faces painted onto them.

Seaman Turney, 26, said they had been seized in the Gulf because "obviously we trespassed" in Iranian waters - something the UK disputes."
The other Sailors and Marines have been shown sitting around a table eating .
It has been said that Seaman Turney the only female of the group will be released soon.
Why is she being singled out for special treatment? I fear the other men will be treated rougher if she does go as she will point out that they weren't harmed while she was there. I personally would tell the Arabs to fuck off, being a leading seamen I'd have a responsibility. I'd say all of us out or nothing, sure I'm not there so its easy for me to say that.
I'm going on my past experiences and actions I know what I would do, go on Arab slap me about a bit and then put me in front of a camera.
The only good weemen in warfare today are the Israelis, you wouldn't dare treat them as a woman you'd see them as a soldier and treat them accordingly which is what I hear that weemen want, equality.

Defence Secretary Des Browne said it was "completely unacceptable to parade our people in this way".
Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett said in a statement she was "very concerned" about the pictures.

Greatest Blogger of all time Old Knudsen said, " we have 185 nukes, what are we waiting for?"

I secured the use of a Navy mine sweeper so me and the lads headed off to Iran to kick some bottoms. The rescue attempt was all going well until we saw the Liberty statue. After grabbing a fellow off the street who we tortured er I mean questioned for 2 hours we came to the conclusion we were in America, no one could speak English very well so it was hard to say. Archie's blood sugar was getting low and he just remembered he had library books to return so we headed back to the boat and knocked back a few cans of beer and a bacon sarnie, as to the fella we grabbed, I'm very sorry Rich no hard feelings right? those cigarette burns on yer penis should heal in a couple of weeks you should tell yer wife to stop smoking in bed though.

After the UK pointed out that the position Iran gave for the merchant ship was in Iraqi waters Iran then provided alternative position, now within Iranian waters. Make up yer mind ya Sand savages. I don't suppose lying matters much anymore the moral high ground has been lowered over the last century, though this act was definitely out of order.

Its one thing to kidnap troops, I mean the cheeky Arabs do that stuff all the time just ask Hezbollah and how they bravely captured sleeping Israeli soldiers, how did that work out for you? I guess you must of liked being in the stone age.
To put our troops onto a reality show is unforgivable. The worse was when they were split into teams to see who could make and burn an effigy of Blair the fastest. Seman Stains showed his hidden talent with the glue gun and his team were allowed a plate of chips while the other team ate the Sand savage food again, sexual tensions among the group seems to be high and if we don't get them back soon Roger the cabin boy may be in some trouble.

Will it be chips or jacket spuds? will it be salad or frozen peas? will it be mushrooms? fried onion rings? you'll get Sand savage crap instead.

I will be going onto the Blog belonging to Mahmoud Admainejad and leaving some nasty comments, anonymously of course.

Mohammad and his 9 year old child bride Ayesha, still happens today in various cuntries in the Middle East and other places so no more yapping about slavery yap about this instead .

Little Yellow Cunts.

Yellowman which was the name of a hard candy I would eat as a child, we'd get it at fairs and the like along with Dulse, hows that for a non sequitur before the post even starts?

For the last two or three days I've been getting many hits from South Korea searching for the word 'cunt' yes I was shocked too as they came to my site while looking for this vulgar word and I hope they enjoyed my post entitled what else? CUNT . Old Knudsen is doing his part to educate the unenlightened races of the world . Remember my little noodle eating friends, cunt is not just a name for a vagina or a rude name like 'fucker', in the Commonwealth cuntries it can be used for many things including a term of endearment , "you pack of cunts " Shakespeare used it in Hamlet I believe, when he said cuntry instead of country pertaining to the lap of a lady, a cunt has many uses, use it wisely and repect the cunt and the cunt will respect you.

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

Taking a Woman to Bed

What's the difference between girls/weemen aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Before any of you sick shites say anything the 8 year old one is innocent I didn't write this, its not like Mohammed and his young bride. From 48 onwards I don't care for stories or lack of memory just lie there and the sex machine will be done in a jiffy, oh I take milk and two sugars in my tea.

Iran And Iraq Are Different Places Right?

You may see a group of old men wearing funny hats and one of them sneakily picking his nose but I see highly trained Celtic warriors, when yer biggest fear is a few steps and slipping in the bath facing an army of Sand savages is nothing.

If you've been paying attention to the news you'd know about the 14 sailors and marines being held by those Iranian cunty baws. Tony Blair has hinted about getting tough if diplomacy doesn't work and that's all I needed to hear. I went doon to the British legion and scrounged up my old ex commando buddies to go over and rescue the lads.
We are all a part of the legion's unofficial fight club so we do practice our skills every week.
I had to look through my stuff for my Fairbairn-Sykes #2 fighting knife, my 16 inch Smatchet and my # 4 rifle and my factor 15 sun block , is that a high enough sun factor ? I've had it for 10 years so far so it should be ok right? The only problem so far is that Razor McGee doesn't have a passport and mine is being held by the police after the whole stalking of the Pope mix up, did you know that the pope has monogrammed underwear? I really doubt his holy unmentionables get washed along with anyone else's so why does he need them monogrammed? The man is on an ego trip thinking that God talks through him, maybe on my way back from Iran I'll swing by Rome and take him doon a peg or two of course if we don't get the passports sorted it could be difficult.
You never see James Bond have this trouble, oh no the boat he uses for special ops doesn't double to take tourists around the coast and so isn't available until the end of the season, his boat is a invisible to radar has its own bar and wide screen TV.
Don't worry lads we'll get ya out, Conway isn't coming due to a bad back, Ivor said he was raring to go and even though he died on Sunday I'm holding the cunt to it.
I know what I'm doing I've killed and oppressed more 3rd world people than you've had hot dinners and that's including the Irish, while I'm over there freeing yous I may just stab that wanker Qaddafi so he doesn't do this ever again.

Old Knudsen, a man of peace in a time of war.

"I can't believe they wanted you to apologise for slavery, thats sooooo funny Tony" "Well I thought so, tell me have you had Old Knudsen killed yet?" "Its on my list."

I'm Not That Big An Elvis Fan.

When my pain killers start to wear off I get the odd moment of clarity when all becomes clear and I know what the answer is, a bit like corny TV shows like 'Hoose' when our hero stops talking and frowns and the next scene is him curing the patient.
The way how Anna Nicole Smith died, well she was stupid enough to want to die like Marilyn Monroe so maybe this is the tip of the iceberg. You all know that America is populated with people that really don't have a clue so I wonder how many have emulated the death of a favourite star I mean 39 people killed themselves at Heaven's gate waiting for Jesus and his spaceship to turn up so Yank stupidity really isn't in dispute.
I think the police when looking for a motive for death should look to see if the pilot of a light aeroplane was a John Denver or Jim Reeves fan or was the guy that parted his hair with a shotgun into Nirvana?
Light aircraft are dropping all the time, if you hear the song 'Peggy Sue' coming from an aeroplane above yer head I suggest you move.

The Look Of Love.

Its been well documented that I dislike the David Beckham, not just on the grounds that hes a spoiled ponce and not a very honourable sportsman but also he has that squeaky voice and gives his kids stupid names so he can get tattoos. I also dislike Posh Spice his wife, what a face her sexy look is being angry while sucking a pickle, c'mon shes got a nice smile but oh no she thinks if she looks angry she's hot .

Young gurls in the street do this too, the surly looks that means "I want you to want me" would scare me off if I was a young man. What ever happened to looking friendly and approachable? is this some kind of self defenses method I don't know about because being on high alert like that all the time can be draining.

Here is young Leslie demonstrating the sexy bunged up nose mouth breathing look with a hint of eye allergy for effect, weemen sure do know how to turn on the charm. So men the next time a woman is rude and dismissive to you and squints at you with streaming eyes and nose you're on to a sure thing.

Bleach Kills Off Harmful Brain Cells.

1)Who shot JFK?
2)Where is Lord Lucan?
3)Was Marilyn Monroe murdered?
4)Was Harry Houdini murdered?

now its how did Anna Nicole Smith die?

Just to answer those questions

1) A lone commie of course (maybe Dive)
2) last seen Lord Lucan riding on the racehorse Shergar towards a glue factory.
3) of course she was, the Kennedys are cunts.
4) When you chain yerself up and get into a box and lowered into a river what do you think might happen?

To be honest I don't really give a fuck, the Anna Nicole Smith thing has lasted longer than her allotted 15 minutes of fame.
Since her death her name has been used in the same sentence as Marilyn Munroe on way too many occasions. Anna being a fan, saying she wanted to die the same way, dying of an overdose as Ted Kennedy wouldn't do it as he has sworn off killing weemen , she also died at the same age as Munroe 39, and oh she was blonde.

I'm no fan of Marilyn Munroe, she had a nice arse and that's about it. Not a great role model for weemen but the thing is even though she was an alcoholic drug addicted tortured soul she was actually a smart woman playing a sex object dumb blonde. Smith actually was that stupid.

It would be sad if Anna Nicole Smith was the Marilyn Munroe of today as it shows you just how low our standards have gotten, a pathetic copycat.
I talked ill of Smith when she was alive and I'm not going to be a hypocrite now, its just a pity they let mongs like her breed.
Remember when she was fat? she was a joke and no one went "boy is she sexy" then she got back into shape and the media went gag gag, to me she was the same thick as fuck dozy talentless gold digger with the drunken slur and glazed look.

I don't like to be told whats sexy by the media, so and so is sexy because they are on TV and we call them Dr McDreamy or something, never mind that he is a known wife beater and torturer of small animals and don't tell me the Desperate Hoosewives are hot, the little Mexican one would be if she wasn't such a silly bint.

Physical attraction started out in animals to pick the strongest, most intelligent mate we could as to multiply our species as our DNA imperative compels us to do. Nature seeing that humans were getting far too successful which as you can see is a bad thing as the Earth cannot take it so Nature finds a way, it makes Gheys so there is no breeding, and it makes men be attracted to dumb blondes who are voted most likely to drop their babies if they have them. All this celebrity 3 rd world adoption is against Nature so expect a backlash .

Getting back to Anna Nicole Smith, did anyone not know she was high all the time? I bet when she gets to heaven Marilyn will say,"keep that stalker away from me."

Sunday, 25 March 2007

Body Count Of Love.

I think people wake up everyday and say "how can I annoy Old Knudsen today?" The picture above is of the baby Polar Bear King Knut. It was born in a German Zoo, it's twin died and little Knut was rejected by its mummy, are ya crying yet? ya hard heartless bastards.
I am no fan of Zoos, to me they are like places where you put animals in cages and people pay to watch them or something like that. I do like Polar Bears though, with all that muscle their meat is quite lean with a salty flavour to it, not bad, also they look lovely and cuddly right up to the moment where they dismember you.

Some animal rights activist called for King Knut to be clubbed to death as it would now be dependent on humans and what kind of life is that? Well its bad when the Germans that ran the Zoo said "nein ve cannot do it Vuck off " I mean the Germans love to kill things, they'd bugger it first no doubt, a sick people.

I now call on everyone that knows an animal rights activist to club them to death as what kind of life are they having among us humans? they are dependent on humans for their Dole money (Welfare) and other funding as its not like dirty hippies to do a drop of work, too busy crying about the seals that go out clubbing. Go on people, its for their own good, get me a body count of love.

Multiple Choice.

The only thing I see wrong with this gurl is that sometimes too much choice can be a little over whelming but I can look past her inperfections and 3 erect nipples and love her for the person she is inside because I'm a deep and sensitive person.

I like my weemen the way I like my food, genetically modified. I prefer the taste of artificial Strawberries, Bananas and Pineapple. I refuse to be bossed around by fresh fruit that doesn't even taste as good due to lack of additives. Old Knudsen hates to be told what to do so when the fruit goes "you can't eat me until I'm ripe " or " you had better eat me before I good off" I say "fuck off!"
What the fuck is this vitamin C shite? in whos interest does vitamin C work ? the produce farmers that's who, the same people that we turn our clocks forward and back for, those cunts.
The only concession I make for fruit is a slice of pineapple or tomato on me burgers, that's healthy eating for me.

I don't want to hear anything about me being a semen and should know all about scurvy, fish are at sea all the time, no fruit for them and they are (except for the tasty mercury) one of the most healthy things to eat, go ask the Nips, they have the world's oldest man and woman because of all of the dulse and fish suppers they consume .

The battle against men eating fruit has been going on for 5 thousand years ever since Eve yapped at Adam for not eating healthily enough, if God wanted us to eat fruit he would of said, "see those Apples? knock yerselves out" .
Since apples need cold weather in order to grow its been suggested that the garden of Eden was originally here at Kilamory in Scotland , is it only a coincidence that over in Ulster which is just separated by 13 miles of sea is a place still called Eden which is where the parents of Yank President and all round cunt Andrew Jackson lived? theres a little tourist centre there now, ah to have been around when Scotland and Ulster were joined and man and Dinosaur all lived in peace according to the word of God until Eve saw her arse and decided to go on a health kick involving apples, no I'm not blaming my female readers for all the sin in the world, but the Bible is so watch it, is it any wonder that I have been forced to rewrite the Bible ignoring all the made up shite they put in there?
Here endth the lesson.

Kav of the ever changing avatar has the three boob issue sussed, that lad is so smart sometimes I forget hes Irish .

I have toyed with the idea of changing my avatar to something like this as hot chicks always seem to get their profiles checked out the most, I don't see why an old man in a cap wouldn't get as much interest.

Friday, 23 March 2007

Spare Parts And Broken Hearts.

Due to excessive gambling, drinking and hiring professional weemen to fulfil my manly needs, manicures , getting my dishes washed and the like I find my funds are at an all time low.
I've heard about people selling their kidneys for transplants or whatever so I'm going to sell mine. The early birds will get the best deals and its 10% off if you buy in bulk, no really I've got loads of these things in my big chest freezer doonstairs.
I also have a lot of spare parts, a black shriveled penis on yer coffee table makes a real conversation piece, ever want to get a head in life or would you just like a little head? Old Knudsen is yer man, want a bum deal? well I'm up to me arse in arses.
Not happy with yer nose, I have a huge selection of noses you can pick from, go on pick yer nose.
Skin suits will be the next cool thing this fall, skin is the new denim.
Need a hand with yer blogging? well I have a load of hands it'll feel like someone else is publishing yer post, if you know what I mean, or I can just give you the finger, buy four get a thumb free.

Think you're a heart breaker? well you can be, just eye up the prices of my eyes, I hear the eyes have it and I heard that with my boxed ears set .
Want to give yer gurl the elbow? or a work colleague the cold shoulder? literal is funny, I know funny cos I'm a fucking Clown fish.

When you entice a gurl back to yer bedsit you don't ask her if she wants to see yer etchings you ask her if she wants to see Jimmy Hoffa's or Lord Lucan's skull? weemen go gag gag over that sort of stuff or to get them "in the mood" what about Glenn Miller's coccyx?

I've often heard that the largest sex organ we humans have is our brains, I'm willing to bet that my cock is bigger than my brain but that's neither here nor there. The brain isn't much of a sex organ, pretty tough to get that initial thrust into, maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Remember, you don't need a backbone to make highly illegal deals with Old Knudsen as he has all the spines you could ever need. Custom orders may take up to a week depending how picky you are.

Goodbye Farewell.

Just a short farewell to fellow Bloggers Taihae and her sister Kasplotte who have decided to give up their Blog in favour of the real world. I framed Roger Rabbit. Good luck in all yer future endeavours and it was nice knowing you both.

Is It My Turn To Drop The Soap?

15 Royal Navy men from HMS Cornwall, who were on a routine patrol in Iraqi waters inspecting merchant ships were surrounded by sea going camel jockeys of the Iranian flavour and taken to an Iranian base along the Shatt al-Arab waterway which not to worry anyone translates loosely as 'shit eating Arabs' as that's the schei├čen video capital of the world.
The sailors boys weren't armed as the British government still supports the theory that all a cheeky Arab needs is a good cuff round the old ear and the rest will fall into line, this shows you that the Sandsavage is losing his fear and awe of the white man and his strange tea drinking ways, this lack of respect is probably due to the surge of Americans who have been visiting the area in the past 4 years.
I appeal to the British government to either arm our navy with Blackjacks,pokers or at least train them to give stern withering looks and carry an air of superiority while in savage lands.
You Iranians, hands off our lad's lads, what they do between themselves is fine, you touch them and Britain will be mightily pissed off, I am e-mailing Mahmoud and telling him to read this post as he may not have checked my Blog today with capturing semen and all.

I Did It ........... Ish.

I just wanted to tell you all that I have finally made it to Blogs of Note, no not the we only pick boring and safe Blogs of Note as done by Blogger but I found myself on the links belonging to D.C. Warmington entitled Blogs of Note, so the Oracle at Delphi was right about my greatness and fame . I just hope she got the bit about the syphilis wrong or I have several e-mails and phone calls to make, I will start doon my links first.

Monster Of The Week.

I was feeling a little bored today so I got on the bus and headed into town. I like to watch people and observe life in order to get inspiration for my on-line lies. Some of you may know that I have in the past worked for the CIA and if it wasn't for that dopey shite Dan Quayle blowing my cover I would still be drawing a paycheck. Did you know that Bush Sr wanted me to assassinate the fucker on many an occasion? they were like father and son so I don't think he meant it, he was always saying to George Jr, "why can't you be more like Danny?" and George would start crying and promised he would try, a strange family. The weemen in the family all seem to be alcoholic nymphos so I always had to wash me parts when I visited.
Its true, you never leave the CIA, my speciality was wet works and disinformation and yes I practice both on a regular basis, though thanks to adult nappies I can live a normal life with the wet works.

Ever hear of that's a CIA run web site to infiltrate the psyche of the people and to get some of the more outlandish CIA schemes dismissed as bollocks.
The last time I was on the Interweb years back I was trying to get people in Britain to put doon Jedi as a religion onto a cenus form. I told them that if enough people do it then it becomes a religion, its amazing how many people believed and still do today, another was about the kid that died on a hospital operating table because someone used their cell phone outside in the hall, funny stuff.

I've had loads of good ones that include, black helicopters, men in black and black men all having big willies, before you ask yes the Moon landing was real its just we were warned off going back by the aliens that live on the Moon.
Bluffs and double bluffs its mostly the Yanks that believe anything you tell them its all a matter of conditioning, get them fat and complacent with all the aggression and sense bred out of them and when the alien overlords land they can be offered up as an act of appeasement , operation 'fat cow' started in the UK 20 years and should be on track with the states within 5 years.

I was walking doon Calder street and I saw this new Polish restaurant that had just opened. Me being open to new cultures and new ways went inside to take a look. I must say I felt a little over dressed as the staff only wore tight red short shorts. In the corner I saw a familiar face, it was none other than Tony the pole vaulter from Bench. He was surrounded by four big boned weemen with hairy upper lips they were laughing and playing around all the while snapping photos of each other, that Tony is a real playa. Tony knew I was there, he could sense my manly presence as most of the rest of the room were round shouldered Slavs but he never made eye contact, not to worry I get that a lot. The Ill man crosses the road to avoid me when he sees me.
I think many people have a problem with my legend actually being legendary in real life or it might be the smell of piss, I don't mind it so why should they?

I didn't know what to eat so I settled for Polish Sausage as seen in the top picture which was not bad.
I got talking to this Yank woman named loretta Swit who acted as 'Hot Lips' in the TV show 'Mash' she was of Polish descent and was able to tell me about the various dog dishes on the menu, she said she was actually the inspiration for Miss Piggy, that may have been one of her lines but I believed her. It was a fun day, Tony and his weemen had to be told several times to kept the noise doon and to keep certain body parts out of the food.

I ended up banging Hot Lips over a wheelie bin in the back passage way, she gave me her number but I don't think so, terrible smell of piss from her.

Thursday, 22 March 2007

Belly Of The Beast.

If I sacrifice enough of these things to the dark God Cheneybub I'll be invincible, of course Iraq is still fucked.

"This looks like a babie, get in my Bellie."

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Straight to DVD.

Catholics are advised for their own safety not to look into Big Ian's eyes for too long.

The family of Northern Ireland political leader and God's representative on Earth Ian Paisley has revealed it has commissioned the writer Gary Mitchell to come up with a movie script about the DUP leader's life.

I kid you not, since the Queen film was a hit and now they are planning one about Margaret Thatcher so Mr Ian Bitter Balls Paisley has jumped on the band wagon.

Some of the money has already been raised through the usual fund raisers and protection rackets and they say they will be using Northern Ireland talent, that last bit may be a little bit difficult.

Mitchell has in the past wrote plays sympathetic to the Protestant Loyalist cause so expect the Paisley in the movie to rescue kittens and fight off groups of armed Taigs.

They are hoping a big star will play the role of Paisley but instead Liam Neeson has said he is interested in playing the part. A big tall man with a god awful Northern Ireland accent a role Neeson is well suited for as he is quite limited in his roles. Neeson did play the Irish hero - ish Michael Collins.

Tall, ugly as fuck and a bad accent . Neeson was made for this role except for one thing, he looks too much like a Fenian, we can tell you know.

The DUP (Paisley's political party) don't really like Neeson (probably something silly like him being Catholic) and a few years back objected to him being offered the freedom of his home town of Ballymena and that led to the actor refusing the honour.

Ah Ballymena, I was stationed at St Patrick's barracks for a while, I can't really tell you what kind of work I was doing there, not that its classified its just that I drank a lot back then and can hardly remember it.
The town was in Northern Ireland's Bible belt and full of hard drinking farmers. Those stupid enough to leave the barracks looking like a soldier would get beaten up by the locals, me with my Scottish accent could blend in enough with their culchie dialect as it can almost sound Scots sometimes.

The Protestants always tried to get rid of the Catholics out of Ballymena but they hung on like a chav to Burberry. Big Ian Paisley or as he is affectionately known as Alien Paisley would walk in front of the Protestant parades during the 12th of July waving and shaking hands, sometimes he would cure lepers and heal the blind if he had the time.

The movie is said to end in a car chase and a fight with the Fenian cock sucker Gerry Adams on the roof of Belfast city hall which Paisley obviously wins by throwing Adams off and impaling him on a handy spike of some kind and utters the line," I said NO SURRENDER! you terrorist cunt".

Paisley is big news it seems, a county Down film company has also gotten funding for a Paisley movie but it has nothing to do with the Paisley family.

Sinn Fein cock sucker er I mean leader Gerry Adams is wondering why he isn't getting a film. Hes already dispatched his minions to the morons in America to raise funds for one and has sent a few good men (the only ones with fingers left) to teach South American guerillas how to make bombs in return for drugs to sell. Colin Farrell and the guy that played Gollem have shown interest in the lead role.

Who will play scumbag Gerry Adams?

Gollem sure does have the look.

A cold blooded murdering Lemur would be ideal, I suspect Adams of having Lemur somewhere up his family tree.

Russian Holes Are Deadly.

I heard on the news that 62 miners in a Russian mine in a gas blast died now its up to 107, the thing was I wasn't expecting to hear the next part, "Its thought that one Briton is thought to be among the dead" , every fucking disaster in the arse hole of nowhere will always kill at least one Briton. I've wrote about this before among my 500 odd posts I just wanted to point this one out. You expect to find the Irish doon a Russian hole as they breed like flies and are everywhere but c'mon.

I'm sorry that you're ugly.

Since my last post about ugly twins being a funny joke played by the Almighty (God not Oprah) I've been made to think about their feelings and how such criticism during their vulnerable teenage years could stay with them all their lives and make them feel bad as any of us.
So I've posted a picture of MJ and her brother MJ and urge you all to look past the features and see what good people they are inside, no matter what hes done and what shes said about me having a large penis, cruel talk indeed.

Maybe then a complex about Barry Bondage's nipples here would have stopped him from posing for pictures dressed like this and putting it on the Interweb, so this leads me to think God has a plan for certain cruelty in the name good taste so I am therefore being used by God, wow what a leap of logic.

A Random Musing.

You have physically and mentally retarded people and yer general dipshit type people but I think that God's funniest joke in a world that prizes beauty over brains is the creation of twins that are ugly as fuck. Not just one that fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch but two and they look at each other / themselves all day, hey I'm no Alan Ladd as I'm taller for a start and didn't kill myself with alcohol and sedatives aged 50 but I can rightly say who is a minger and who is not. It says in the Bible, "judge before ye be judged thyself" yes I'm so shallow and like to laugh at the expense of others but hey that's me.

Meet The Real MJ.

I have for a while been trading e-mails and dirty pictures with a fellow Blogger but its not Foot Eater that I want to mention here is the beautiful MJ of The Infomaniac.
She sent me this picture and her beauty should not be hidden anymore, as she has featured me on her Blog the it is only right that I do the same. I suggest you click on MJ's Blog here as it may have changed a bit since you were last on it.

MJ works as a Pole dancer and snake handler at the 'Sweaty Crotch' one of Canada's most famous bars, go in on Monday nights for her ping pong ball act but be warned if you have any open cuts on yer hands do not try to catch the balls.
When you tip MJ tip generously with paper bills and not coins as they tend to work their way into all the nooks and crannies and its no fun pissing and shitting coins, trust me on the latter.
MJ we here at Old Bitter Balls love you in dirty and nasty ways that a Canadian would be shocked about, we honour yer contribution to womanhood and Blogging.

Fucking Africans With Fucking Computers Fuck You Bob Geldof and Bono.

Isn't it amazing just how many banks in Western Africa has unclaimed millions and corrupt bank officials? Now they use Hotmail and Yahoo addys to get past the spam so my Yahoo spam control was useless, well it pretty well all is, you get what you pay for and Yahoo sells yer name. I can hit the Spam button but then they use a different addy. I recently changed my Yahoo address for a gmail one and what do ya know? I got African bank mails after a day.
I now pretty much use my Yahoo addy for sending back angry replies like "fuck off", "show me yer norks and I'll think about it" .

Now recently On my Yahoo UK addy I got mails trying to sell me a book called 'The Evil Empire' its about the evil imperialism of the British Empire, fuck away off, the best thing that could happen to the world would be getting run by the British, at least we were honest about it, what about the fucking Italians in Somali? Mogadishu is their fuck up beautiful architecture but Warlords everywhere and children with guns stoned out of their skulls.
Northern Somali or Somali land which was run by the British is virtually crime free and self sufficient, so much so that they want to become independent from the south. They give credit to the British for their current good fortune as the Brits didn't come in and change the whole place by setting up their laws and government to run all, they kept the tribal law system in place.
Yes I did tell whoever sent me that advert to fuck off, I also blame wordpress and haloscan as you have to add yer e-mail addy in order to comment.

So Africans fuck away off, I don't want yer millions.


The Interweb Insurgents.

The good old days.

Monday, 19 March 2007

The New James Bond Sucks

On Werthers Originals.

The New Bond film is out on DVD and if you look at the credits you'll see that some of it was filmed on location right here in Kilamory . I hung around the set unnoticed because I can blend in with the world of Hollywood and you may see me in the film if you look closely. I not only waved at the camera but I also mouthed the words, "hello mum".
One on the secrets of the shoot was that Daniel Craig sucked Werthers Originals in order to achieve that blue steel expression on his face. During a fight scene he accidentally took a hit and spat out the sweet and I got it. I will be selling it on e-bay, I expect to get thousands for it as you can also see the face of Jesus on it.
Now thats what I call acting, suck it Daniel suck it.

I was also able to hide in the attic space of the hoose Daniel was staying in, as you can see he has all his working parts and likes his bath water cold. A word of advice Danny boy, a courtesy flush may be in order for the massive dungies you take, and light a match or something.

Sunday, 18 March 2007

How To Save The World.

I don't believe that the children are our future, I think of them as a pack of lazy lay a bouts that may become a source of food in the future.
Its up to great thinkers like Old Knudsen to cum up with a plan to save the world..... again, what you don't remember the attack from the Uranians? them and their sneaky spaceships from Uranus came in from behind Earth and attacked by shooting insanity rays at the Earth with the hope of us self destructing. If it wasn't for the tin foil under me cap I might have gone crazy too, lucky the severed head in my fridge told me to wear it.
It was only the sanity and commonsense to be found on this Blog that caused the rays to turn back on the Ukrainians, Iranians no I mean the Uranians and drove them insane and to open all the windows on their rocket ships thus dying.

They tried to get me with their spies but I was able to kill several Ukrainians, no I mean Uranians , you know I'm old and I get confused by thick accents so I killed and asked questions later.

Anyway Kilamory is short a few migrant workers and panhandlers so I don't think it turned out all too bad, however I may need some fall guys/weemen and alibis so feel free to step up, yes I'm sure all the weemen will want to claim to the police that I spent all night in their beds making wild passionate dirty messy love, can't blame you bragging rights and all perhaps a book deal to tell all, yes Mr Frobisher you too can claim it .
I was lying in bed the other night fondling myself to sleep and then I thought about Al Gore, one thing lead to another and I solved Global warning.
The Earth is 70% water right? and what do you do to cool doon a drink? you put ice cubes into it, fuck I'm brilliant and none of that sciencey stuff involved.
Never trust a scientist or a Thetan, did you know that Tom Cruise wants to produce a movie about the Thetan aliens of Scientology? I'm sure that will be really interesting :::yawn::::

Getting back to my brain fart er I mean wave. large floating ice making machines at the mouths of all the rivers , run by hydroelectricity of course, or coal whatevers handiest. Thousands of them dispensing foot long ice cubes into the ocean's currents. the seas cool doon the air cools doon and finally we might get some snow, can any of yous remember what snow looks like? for fucks sake its been so long, "DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARNING", to be honest I'm not sure I believe its that serious a problem, over population is, but my mass extermination plans as a means to save the environment always get me investigated by the Peelers.
Throw Ice cube into the sea as well, couldn't hurt, well it would hurt him but I'm not caring so much.

Now I have to contact Richard Branson who has put up 25 million dollars for anyone to make a machine to stop global warming , 25 mil isn't that much considering what a dollar gets you these days and they only give you 5 mil up front and the rest after 10 successful years , lucky I have me pensions and if I drain the blood out of enough runaways and proper sacrifices etc I should last 10 more years, the dollar had better be worth something then.
In about 15 or 20 years with the aid of make up Matt Damon will be able to play me in the story of my life, not a movie for all the family to see, no wait if young children can be taken to see the Passion of Christ to make them better Christians then they can see me banging Helen Mirren and getting head from Judi Dench, they might learn a thing or two, I just hope Matt can get my climax face right.

Saturday, 17 March 2007

So What Did You Do This Weekend?

Well I didn't do that gurl in the picture, that's called poetic licence or wishful thinking.
I got turned doon by 14 weemen and 1 man. I suppose the chat up line "do ya buck or what?" has seen its day.
I got drunk, acted a lad threw up and woke up in the middle of the night wet. I had got my hair cut like George Clooney beforehand but I suppose my Playboy hat hid my charms.
I didn't get mistaken for Irish but I did get to kick an American tourist twice in the ribs who asked about kilts.

Just my luck to pick 14 weemen that were leezers and one guy that was very pretty who must of been ghey or something.

This is my post, like it or lump it but I'm kinda drunk so fuck ya.

Kiss Me I'm A Quarter Irish......Maybe.

The only day in which people get congratulated for being from Ireland. "You're Irish? well done."

Friday, 16 March 2007


Orange Cauliflower.

True Bitter Balls Protestant food.

Happy St Patrick's Day Niggas.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?" The first man responds "Neither I'm Jewish." In a hail of gun fire he falls dead.
The second man starts to walk away and thinks to himself, I'm the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland.

Interestingly, the first St. Patrick's Day parade took place not in Ireland, but in the Irish soldiers serving in the English military marched through on March 17, 1762 .

I've been giving the Mucksavages a pretty hard time this week, if any took offense about it my words to you would be "joke you if you can't take a fuck", no one is safe from a slagging on this Blog including myself, mongs, jews , blacks, cock jockeys ,yellows or greens I really don't give a fuck, part of my charm I reckon.
Here is the climatic end to the week running up to St Patrick's day where Old Knudsen will get totally shit - faced. I will be so drunk by the end of this day I may attempt either time travel or flying again, who knows? well enjoy yer day, its Saturday and Paddy's day two good reasons to hit the bottle and if ya don't drink then maybe ya should ya boring old shite.

I've probably posted loads by now, read it or not I don't care I only do this fucking Blog as part of my community service and remember people flinging yer feces in a fast food restaurant isn't big and it isn't clever so think before you fling.