Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Tuesday Tickle

I know the world of the Interweb can be a lonely one for some so as a favour to a *friend* of mine I'm putting this ad here for him. I have put forward the names of some of my readers to him so you may get an e-mail .

You can call me Yoda bear. On Blogger I'm a Pirate, on Myspace I'm a teenage girl and in real life I'm a dental technician , but I only want to be loved, to be loved and get lots of rimjobs, oh yeah baby. If you want to meet me you could come over to my house and we can watch Lord of the rings and I'll show you my model airplanes. Thursday is the best day for me as my mother has her bingo, don't be shy, you know you want the Yoda Bear.

e-mail me @

*when I say friend I mean I have never and never want to meet him in person, whatever happens isn't my fault.*

Dust Off The Diplomacy Handbook

The Bush admin has decided to talk to Syria and Iran in order to become more friendly and bring a peaceful solution to the problems that have raged in the middle east for the past oh 5000 years or so, they talked North Korea out of building anymore 'Big Dong' missiles so they think they are on a roll, or do they?

Its the same old shit that goes on in Northern Ireland politics, you invite the parties to join you and cast out some compromises, we'll do this if you do this and when the other party haggles then they are the fuckers and just look how unreasonable they are being after we said we want to be friends, if they would just do this one thing it would all be settled, and then its ok they may be doing it but we don't believe they are doing it right.
Sit back and watch the blame game unfold.

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Nietzsche Is Dead ............. God

Oh Yeah Uh Huh Lick It Good.

Gerry Adams on the campaign trail in Northern Ireland enjoying a Tootie Fruity ice cream. I don't know whose vote hes trying to get here but I hear hes ahead. Good on you Gerry give that Ian Paisley fella a good licking and cum out smiling.

Why Are Idiots Allowed To Breed?

I have long stated that Britain is becoming more like America each day. No you arrogant yanks that's not a compliment. As well as being populated by a low class of poorly educated aggressive morons with a sense of self entitlement we're all going to be big fat fuckers that sues everyone and hates immigrants.

Here is Connor McCreaddie an 8-year-old boy who weighs 218 pounds, the authorities are investigating whether or not his parents are guilty of child abuse. As well as missing doctor appointments they allow him to eat every 20 minutes, the mother sort of shrugs and says if he doesn't get enough food he goes and steals it from the cupboard. I think the parents are guilty of being stupid.

The doctors are looking for some medical reason why Connor would be a big fat fucker, if they wanted my medical opinion I'd say because he is allowed to eat too much but what do I know?
It reminds me of the Yanks with their foo foo dogs that are brought to dog nutritionists to help them lose weight, stop fucking feeding them and they'll lose weight how about that for an idea?
Its this kind of bad parenting that turns countries stupid, Mrs McCreaddie, don't buy so much shitty food and put a lock on yer fridge door, I suspect little Connor will whine like a bitch but he'll shed the pounds.
Maybe he is better off in protective custody, would you want to be around him when hes hungry?
If things don't improve he'll die by the age of 30.

A fat fucker, the way to do it is get fat when you're older so you only have yer self to blame so you can wallow in yer own gravy, "nobody loves me because I'm fat, the only thing that makes me feel better is donuts".................... future winner of the Darwin award I'm sure.

We here at old Bitter Balls fully realise that around 85% of our readers are American, if we have offended any members of that fine nation then we .............. A. have done our job well B. have no real opinion C. will slag you off till the cows cum home and still expect you to defend us from the nazis.

Flump a Lump

After a couple of us slagging off Kirsten Dunst for being a flump a lump I read a story about her on-line that had the title, "Did Kirsten forget it was Oscar night?" . Now I am scundered (embarassed) for her. I usually do not have much sympathy for pot heads as they are generally quite useless people but I have to say it, "poor gurl", well even though you have no taste at least yer dress didn't have pockets.

Monday, 26 February 2007

Jesus Found In A Happy Meal Box

A box that may hold the bones of Jesus H Christ, I say get Jim Caviezel and do some DNA testing.

Filmmakers and scholars unveiled two stone ossuaries (I looked it up a depository for the bones of the dead)they said could have contained the remains of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, but several other scholars derided claims in a new documentary as unfounded and contradictory to basic Christian beliefs so there.
What a nicer box to be stuck in and you get a toy too.

"The Lost Tomb of Jesus," produced by James Cameron Director of such movies as Aliens, The Terminator ,Titanic ,The Abyss, Rambo all their sequels and the TV series Dark Angel , says that 10 ancient ossuaries discovered in a suburb of Jerusalem in 1980 may have contained the bones of Jesus and his family. Being a film maker he should know about this stuff. He was also married to linda Hamilton and for the record we here at Old Bitter Balls have unanimously voted her to be a minger.

Linda Hamilton also played the beast in the TV series Beauty and the beast. A minger's best chance of stardom is marrying a famous director.

One of the caskets bears the title, "Judah, son of Jesus," hinting that Jesus may have had a son, according to the film. The very fact that Jesus had an ossuary would contradict the Christian belief that he was resurrected and ascended to heaven, a church spokesman put his fingers in his ears and said " nah nah nah I can't hear you but you're still talking nah nah nah nah nah".

Every year several boxes are found and are said to be a bargain bucket of Jesus and are dismissed as fakes, this one had the name Jesus scraped on the side, so what? it was a very common name and after he died I'm sure it became more common as the Britanys and Justins of today.
There is no proof of Jesus ever having lived and that's where Christianity gets all messed up, you don't see people searching for the bones of Buddha or Odin so these single minded people will see what they want to see. It really does bend my shite that they refer to the story of Jesus as history and everything else is mythology, shame on you History Channel you cunts, next they'll say the earth is only 5,000 years old.

Remember a few years back they found in the Holy lands some big jugs around the place where Jesus did his party piece with the water to wine? they declared this must be the place. So let me get this right, time stood still in that place after the wedding like a snapshot in time just waiting to be discovered, oh c'mon, I know religion and commonsense are mortal enemies but powerful important people think like this and that is spooky.

"Holy big jugs batman".

Jesus is real, I know because we have all created him man creates God not the other way round, he comes round to my hoose all the time and tells me about all the fallen weemen he saves. I've heard of men using cute babies to pick up weemen and using lines like "do you like chicken?" and if she says yes "good cos my cock is fowl" but using the son of God angle, " my father never really loved me, he never hugged me or saved me from getting crucified". Jesus is a playa, no more scandals and nappies, he wears nike and Calvin Klein, the peace loving hippy phase ended badly for him .
God has been in prison for numerous years for crimes against humanity which is why so many convicts find him there.

This documentary is just out to score some outrage so it makes money and it will work, Protestants love to complain about anything that isn't what they say it is, combine stubbornness with lack of imagination and you have the scary Free Presbyterians who will no doubt hold placards outside any theater showing the documentary without having seen it, just as the Fenians did with the Da Vinci code.
So anyway why did his whole body ascend to heaven? I think we've been told a load of lies, oh don't worry yer soul goes to heaven, maybe the body carrying machine broke after he went up. I'll ask him next time he comes round.

What a ghey man hoor may look like, what a waste.

What about that preacher Ted Haggard who denounced gheys and same sex marriage all the time banging a 17 year old former male prostitute in speed fueled sex fests ? the manhoor recognised him on TV. The evangelist who used to have weekly meetings with George Bush then admitted it all and his wife got the blame for not being sexually available, that fucking bitch, how dare she not be a drugged up young lad that has sex for money.
Haggard spent a 3 weeks in counseling and is now back to being heterosexual. This has nothing to do with the Jesus in the box trick, just pointing out the hypocrisy and stupidity of some Christians. I must point out I'm only a Free Presbyterian because Ian Paisley is and he is my idol . I'm also signed up with several other cults to cover my spiritual bases though several have asked me not to cum back that Tom Cruise fucker has it in for me after my posts about him, he needs a good auditing if you ask me.

God Save The Queen.

Helen Mirren was just looking so tasty that I couldn't help myself but give her a good old posting.

Mugshots # 4

Charles Manson from when he was first picked up, I've seen other mugshots of him but not this one.

Another Thing I Didn't Win, Fuck Being Nominated.

A certain spice rack loving guitar playing gobshite will no doubt complain about me doing a Hollywood post so here is a Goth to placate him.

I prepared myself for the Oscars to be shite as the choice of films and actors was shite but then they started to hand out awards and it went from shite to severe diarrhea that turned to water.
That Ellen bird made me sigh and say "I miss Billy Crystal" she even made Chris Rock's attempt last year look good. Its all that Hollywood liberal mindset, if Johnny black fella and a woman can host the Oscars then they can be president.
I had them playing the race card for the supporting actors as Hollywood likes to be friends with the black man but if you got a wide view of the audience you'd see nothing but a sea of white faces but showing Will Smith his wife and the odd Jap every five minutes demonstrated their diversity.
Forest Whitaker is a ugly fucking fat cunt but a fine actor, but to get the Oscar for Idi Amin it just goes to show you how crap the choice was and makes you wonder how much influence my Amin post had on the academy voting, hey I did get rid of Donald Rumsfeld don't forget that one.
Jennifer Hudson robbed Cate Blanchett for best supporting actress. Hudson played a low class black singer with a lot of ethnic attitude, hardly a stretch of acting ability I want to see this newbie play a ghey cowboy. Just like Adrian Brody, I'll always see him as a world war II Jew.

Best actress was a no brainer, if you didn't give it to the Queen the British troops in Iraq would say, "not our fight mate we're off" . Helen Mirren was looking rather good I thought and you could tell from her speech she really got into the role of Elizabeth Windsor as a person and not the figurehead/caricature that most see her as, I might want to see this one, wanking material if nothing , like getting yer gurlfriend to dress as a freedom maid (the French are cunts) I like them to dress like the Queen or Freddy Krueger both with long fingernails.

I had Martin Scorsese as a cert and when Clint got a lot of stage time and the 3 older directors came out to present the award I knew his time had cum but the best picture surprised me, I supposed they gave him that too so it didn't look too much like a pity Oscar.

Leonardo DiCaprio or as Al Gore calls him 'head boy' could he get any further up Gore's hole? oh Global warming this and that, we love you Al you're among friends here. I was going to go to a Global warming meeting but it was called off due to the heavy snow fall.
Leo has a Hybrid car but not a hybrid jet and I bet he flies more than he drives, then again Brad Pitt also has a hybrid car parked beside his 2 SUVs .

I believe that children are our future.

So Al Gore got an Oscar for best documentary, shows you what great actors Yank politicians are, if one more person burst into tears (men at that) at the mention of Global warming I was going to boak, go look at the starving babies in yer own cuntry and around the world who are dying now while you eat yer 50 dollar steak and cry about something that may or may not happen in 100 years, oh no we're going to have nice weather in Siberia, did it ever occur to you that the Siberians are well pleased at this prospect? start buying frozen tundra now while its cheap cos soon its going to be premo real estate.

The highlight of the show was the song about Comedians never getting Oscars for funny films as sung by Will Farrell , Jack Black and John C. Reilly . Will Farrell should be the next host for the Oscars as he is actually funny.
Someone prattled on about the Oscars being so international now , all I noticed was I couldn't understand a fucking thing the foreigners were saying. I turned all US redneck and shouted at the TV about how if they are going to take an American Oscar then they should learn how to speak English, yeah yeah they are just making the films the Yanks don't want to make and only getting 3 dollars a hour to do so.

Respect goes to the Screenwriter of The Departed who won and when his name was called he ambled slowly onto the stage looked a little dazed and confused and said "Valium works", no shit my friend, Tom Hanks was well amused.

Sunday, 25 February 2007

Ireland v England

Ireland got their Six Nations campaign back on track by demolishing England in their first meeting at Croke Park.
Ireland: 43 England: 13

I've always said what the Bible says is true, the meek shall inherit the earth. Its nice to see the Bog Trotters beat the English at something.

Hot Midget Sex Oscar Reminder

I'll be staying up late and watching the Oscars tonight with the ghost of my friend Ned, hes the one that tells me to kill the hoors and to post wicked wicked nasty things on my blog . Here is a reminder of my choices, pretty sad ones all round.

Best Picture: Babel............ it has to get something card
Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio........... Not a great choice card
Best Actress: Helen Mirren............. Queen card
Best Supporting Actor: Djimon Hounsou ............If not then Eddie Murphy race card
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett ..............we like her card
Best Director: Martin Scorsese..................... pity card

In Times Of Desperation We Gatecrash

Now this is what I call a target rich environment even Dive could get his hole here.

No one wanted to go anywhere, no cunt was posting on their blog so whats there to do? I'm bloody broke but I did find half a bottle of sherry when after me weekly bath I was looking for a half descent pair of briefs amongst my dirty laundry ,add that to the painkillers I borrowed from my mate Harold's hoose , I was feeling a little buzzed . I had fully expected to just sit in front of the telly and watch Casualty, for you Yanks its like ER but dull as fuck, then I heard it.
A dull thump thump thump of music, some cunt was having a party. I got up and looked out me window some young gurls outside screamed when they saw me that's when I realised I was naked, when I found the sherry I had lost interest in everything else, I had better be careful as I don't want to get a reputation as a pervert .
The music was doon the street abit, probably at Andy's hoose. I don't know him too well hes one of those little boy racers with a Honda Civic who lives with his parents I suppose his folks were out as they are a nice respectable people, church elders and all.
I threw on some clothes and headed out, there were quite a few cars at Andy's hoose and a lot of young scummy types with baseball caps and gold chains drinking from cans of beer and smoking some wacky backy in the porch just outside the front door. One of the hooligans said to me, " this isn't the senior citizen centre try doon the road", I put his face into my people to beat up some day file in my head and said, "I'm the fucking stripper, stick a round for a lap dance laddie". Maybe it was the painkillers but I felt a little more than buzzed when the air hit me and me stomach was starting to bubble. I went into the hoose quite a nice place except it was full of Neds ( Non-Educated Delinquents) drinking Buckfast in their shell suits and Gap Hoodies.

Youngsters have more fun now than we ever did, if you're not shagging yer teacher you're watching gurls going wild and raising their tops for beads, in my day the only thing we got for beads was Manhattan.

No one was over 23 I reckon, the gurls wore things like leopard skin mini skirts and tight tops that showed off every well defined roll of fat, many of them must of bought their clothes, had half a dozen kids and still believed the clothes fitted them, maybe stretch marks are the new sexy thing like when they all got those tramp stamp tattoos on their lower backs.
The dirty looks I got from everyone, I headed to the kitchen and raided the fridge. I always go to parties with my shop lifting coat on as I added numerous pockets to the inside of it and I bring baggies for any food delights I happen upon.
One slack jawed cunt challenged me being there so I told him I was Andy's Uncle there to supervise, we chatted as I chugged the beers I found in the fridge, he was a boring wee shit only talking about getting high and driving fast, I found that kind of behaviour quite irresponsible and told him to repent before the Rupture when we, God's people would be taken up into heaven, he just blankly starred at me, probably a Fenian so then in which case he was fucked anyway.
My stomach was really going for it, I kept getting hot flushes but I didn't let that interfere with a par....tay. I hit paydirt when I found a bottle of Southern Comfort someone had stashed, I have an uncanny ability to find drink I could be an X-man or something, soon my head was spinning. I was dancing away to the shitty music they played while others looked on in what I can only describe as awe . Andy came over and asked me what the fuck did I think I was doing there , I said "John I'm only dancing" but he didn't get it, through my drunken haze I sensed danger I saw the lads at the back muttering to each other and looking at me . I just looked angry Andy in the eye and said,"that music is shite do ya like *Korn*?" Andy looked confused so I dropped my kegs and took a big Korn filled shite on the carpet, I'd wipe later if I remembered, it sure was a stinker that emptied the room. I held my Southern Comfort bottle up as a weapon as I slowly staggered out of the hoose then I proudly proclaimed, "I am the party pooper" .

*A crappy musical group that are famous for being on Southpark*

Mugshots # 3

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

Sunday Skin

First nations said in the comments:

was this swimsuit day at the orphanage? please. and tits like a dogs lips in the bargain.
start posting up quality skin or ill have to post up those pictures you thought i destroyed

Our hero says

The statute of limitations should of ran out for those photos now. I was young and I needed the money. I hope this makes up for Saturday's skin job.

Friday, 23 February 2007

Saturday Skin

A lovely looking gurl from the Czech Republic named Anetta keys. I thought she had a pretty face otherwise I would have posted the naked pictures, it turns out shes a porn star, what a shame, I mean that I'm not in the business anymore, she does need to put on a few pounds though. Born in 1983 boy doesn't that make you feel old, what happened in 1983?
That twat Reagan was president and just wouldn't shut up, he called 83 'the year of the Bible' and declared that the Soviet Union as an 'evil empire' way ta go to make friends ya bad acting penis discharge. Sally Ride was the first American woman in space, I'll never forget her name, firstly because she isn't a ride and secondly the film The Commitments sang Mustang Sally and had "ride Sally ride" in it. The IRA bombed Harrods at Christmas time killing 6 people, go on tell me what brave freedom fighters they are, and on a happy note I guess Japan got Disneyland and went into camera snapping overload.

Skank Is All Around Us

To remind everyone what cunts the French are only two slappers like Britany and Paris can be named after places and parts of France.

For the ladies that are into dudes you have the choice of David Hasselhoff for yer romantic penetration.

Remember the film Seven when the killer cut off a vain woman's nose and superglued a phone in one hand to call for help and in the other a bottle of pills so she could overdose? she chose to die because she thought she was all that.

Here is my dilemma for you victims, you have to choose one or both of the lovely ladies or that bloke above, STDs and all to have sex with or I'll feed you alive into a wood chipper while playing the greatest hits of the Pet Shop Boys and reading out aloud my blog posts.

A Paris Hilton fan story.

In an airport I think, a young 16 year old gurl spotted Paris and ran up to her and gushed, "I'm yer biggest fan, I have yer picture all over my walls and on my desktop and I even have yer song as a ring tone on my phone" and grabs for the phone.

Paris looking bored said "I don't care" and walked off.

The teen shouted after here, "well I'm taking you off my phone".

I suspect Paris didn't care.

Some more crap

When you talk to weemen you find out a lot of strange stuff like when they are having a shit they will do a courtesy flush as soon as the fudge comes out so they or anyone else doesn't smell it. I thought having a sniff of yer own stuff was part of the fun. What do people expect to go on in a place where shit is dumped?

I'm the guy that goes into shops around Christmas time and activates the whole shelf of dancing and singing Santas while the cashiers who have been listening to that while they have been non-stop busy all week pause to give me the stink eye.
So many toys have buttons that say 'try me' or 'push here' and I do, my favourites are the singing fish and the dancing singing hamsters, I can and have stood and played them for hours, I'm weak to the power of suggestion........ heres where you tell me to fuck off.

So I'm searching the net for horny pictures. I click on a site that might have one but no its an article about how hot some bird is and the worse thing is they don't even post a picture, boy does that piss me off.

Are any of my readers attracted to the people above and if so who? maybe my standards are getting higher since meeting the Gobbling Granny.

Mugshots # 2

Whoever this guy is/was you just know the ladies all loved him. I myself being *100% pure hot blooded heterosexual * find myself drawn to his Donald trump like hair.

*Terms and conditions may apply*

Mugshot # 1

During the 60's I knew the lady that worked for the yank police taking mugshots. I have always held a special place in her heart as I do with most weemen I unmercifully shag in various positions with her achieving so many orgasms a wheelchair is needed for a week, but no details as I am the last of the gentlemen.
When she passed on I got this little book with a collection of actual mugshots from the 60's inside.
I will be posting them incase any celebrity reads this blog and needs some mugshot tips as a good mugshot is great publicity, heres the tease, there will be a famous person included along the way, the only clue I'll give you to his identity is that Roman Polanski thinks hes a cunt, and its not Foot Eater or Kav, a tough one huh?

So Whats Going On Then?

Prince Harry (or Harry pot head as the press called him) will save the day.

News just in from Iran, "go fuck yourselves, yer sanctions only tickle us we'll get the nuke if we want to, come and have a go if ya think yer hard enough".
Iran being one of the middle eastern countries full of crazy fuckers (but the weemen are beautiful) are going ahead with their nuclear program against UN wishes. Thousands of students protested against the west yadda yadda and have promised themselves as potential suicide bombers I've just posted that the Arabs can't shoot for shit hence the bombs.
I really don't mind students blowing themselves in general especially the law students who are always big mouthed wankers that cause trouble, go ahead sand savage make my day.

Update from the pub last night, this gurls tits just about fell out during a game of Snooker. Old Knudsen was then able to chalk the end of his erect penis and do his very funny party piece, well I thought it was funny.

I reported on the UK having done a good job are pulling out of their region in southern Iraq, now they are going to send in Prince Harry. Do not fear my camel shagging friends, one royal prince is worth 4000 common soldiers.
I don't like Harry, no not just because hes a ginger, but hes also a twat, he has that ruddy complexion and you can just imagine him dressing doon a servant because the inbreed fucker thinks hes better than them.
Hes in a tank he'll be pretty safe, I'm sure they'll make him out to be a hero but taking out the troops before you send him in? what a tasty target he will be for all and sundry.

Dick Cheney is in Australia to thank them for sending extra troops to Iraq and Afghanistan, its called flirting, hes gone there to make Britain jealous. Cheney was met by people protesting about something, probably the shooting of Quail, don't worry the Quayles are lifelong friends of his.

Quails/Quayle ? potato potatoe.

What about the judge in the Anna Nicole trial? as the body lay downstairs rotting away the judge was blubbering (as a BBC reporter put it) and telling his life story, it was clear that the reporter telling about the trial wanted to shake this hormonal judge and tell him to "snap out of it" , I request a mistrial on the grounds of the judge being a big gurls' blouse.

Killer Squid Found On Mars.

Its no secret that men go through life wandering what it would feel like to stick their dicks into things, this guy is onto a winner. It may have a beak or vicious razor sharp teeth like a corgi but thats what I was told weemen had when I was a lad and it never stopped me.

The squid, weighing an estimated 990 pounds and about 39 feet long, took two hours to land in Antarctic waters, New Zealand Fisheries Minister Jim Anderton said.
The fishermen were catching Patagonian toothfish, sold under the name Chilean sea bass, south of New Zealand "and the squid was eating a hooked toothfish when it was hauled from the deep."

I warned you before about the Giant squid menace, at least lives weren't lost this time. I like the way they rename the Patagonian toothfish to Chilean sea bass excellent marketing skills.

The giants of Patagonia used to live off the big squid when there were more of them about , and that was before I had a safari service that hunted the giants doon. The Chilean government didn't recognise them as people until 1957, a little like the US black slaves, Native Americans and Australian Aborigines. Too late for them .
Anyone 6 foot and over should be killed anyway, using up too much air and resources. In the ancient world people started out small, the Romans that conquered half of the world were only 3 foot 10 1n, now with the genetically engineered beef pies and fasty food people are getting too big, maybe I should start up my safari business again.

Thursday, 22 February 2007

Old People Kick Ass

What are you looking at wanker? we will so fuck you up.

San Jose, Costa Rica an American senior citizen killed an alleged mugger with his bare hands.
The have a go hero a retired member of the US military who was about 70 put 20 year old Warner Segura into a head lock and broke his clavicle and his thug image.

The two other accomplices armed with a knife and a gun in order to rob the tour bus the oldies were traveling on fled after were accosted with stories of the old days by the other oldies onboard. They then drove to a Red Cross station where Segura was declared a dead wuss and one of the other close to death bridgade aboard the bus was treated for anxiety .

The tourists left on their Carnival cruise ship after the incident and the authorities do not plan to press any charges against them.
In a media statement, Miami, Fla.-based Carnival Cruise Lines said the Wednesday incident occurred during an outing at a Limon beach which a group of a dozen passengers had arranged on their own. "Trouble making fuckers these old people are, always looking for a fight" said the spokesman.

Neither the Costa Rican police nor Carnival identified the man involved in the struggle with the mugger, though he was carrying a copy of Old Knudsen's best seller "How to kill in 2 easy steps".

The ship, The Carnival Liberty, continued on its scheduled itinerary, with a port call scheduled in Colon, Panama which is if you've ever been to it a real hole but worthy of inspection.

Something For All The Family

I just like the dopey grin on the dad's face.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Walk Like An Egyptian.

"The sands of Saqqara reveal lots of secrets," said Egypt's antiquities expert, Zahi Hawass, he showed reporters around a 4,000-year-old tomb of mud bricks that belonged to a scribe of divine records, Ka-Hay, (not Ka-Chow!) and his wife.
"It doesn't look great because it was built from mud brick and not built of limestone, but I really believe that this tomb is very important," said Hawass.
Of course its important its got Egypt on the news again which is all you live for Hawass. Have you ever seen this fellow? everytime a camera crew turns up in Egypt to get a shot of a mummified turd from Ramses the Regular they have to get permission from Hawass and he says, "how much film time will you give me?" a middle eastern gentleman with an Indiana Jones style hat (what else would you wear?) and everything uncovered is vastly important to understanding history.
If there is a special on the History channel he'll be on it in fact the man even won a Emmy for a documentary he did, not bad for a secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities and Director of Excavations at Giza, Saqqara and the Bahariya Oasis which is what his over inflated job description is.
he has his own web site and fan club, I'm waiting for him to bring out "Hawass the fragrance, smell like an Egyptian" or his own clothing line.
The guy has qualifications and awards up the yang and I'm sure one has to be 'Media hoor of the year' the man is worse than a Blogger .

He just found a necropolis that was dedicated to a Dentist, the last dentist I had only had my bite marks on his hand as a dedication from me, those needles they stick into yer gums, sore as fuck and do nothing I can't imagine what they had back then that was better .
Egyptians are boring as fuck, building pyramids in the desert with little access to the shops, wearing shirts and bad liz Taylor eye makeup,the Royals shagging their own family to ensure a pure bloodline, well that parts ok as the Windsors have been at it for centuries, remember World War I was just a big family argument .
The ancient Egyptians also put to death children with blue eyes as part of their superstitions. I wonder if that's like the old Scottish fear of blondes as they may be Vikings and those randy Vikings did make it to Egypt , even discovered America, a fellow called Knudsen as I remember.

At the start of this year Hawass flew to Florida to have treatment for an eye condition called macular holes, his third world Doctors who were stoned all the way through medical school in the Bahamas saw Nip/Tuck and thought it was better to send him to the States for treatment and a happy ending.
It is thought that the ailment occurred when a stone fell on Dr. Hawass' head during a recent excavation, his sense of smell has increased, he craves the taste of varnish, in my opinion Spar Urethane clear semi-gloss can stand up to any stinking Chardonnay.
Dr Hawass also feels permanently horny and has had to be manhandled away from the murals he was trying to give money shots too though this may have saved his marriage.

Held together with tape and Hawass jizz, he must really love his job.

His The King Tut Exhibit will be in Philadelphia through to the 30th September 2007, Dr Hawass has made great improvement so is not expected to be adding to the collection with his own personal touches.

I don't care what rehab problems Brittany is going through, she has shaved off the lice on her head and doon below and isn't making music, everyone is a winner, except the lice.

Maybe the King Tut/death camp look has cum back into style.

See Ya Later.

Unloading their weapons into a sand bank before going inside.

Well the Brits are packing up most of their troops and leaving the security of southern Iraq to the more than incompetent Iraqi security forces, some troops will be left behind as is always done to mess in the affairs of the country.

The Americans are sending more troops over to Iraq and thanking Britain for their vast participation. I'm not saying that the British military are better than the American, well ok maybe I am, c'mon Yanks pull yer finger out.

The Parachute regiment, hard as fuck, spot the odd one out.

Ass Thursday.

To make it up to all of those red blooded men that don't read this Blog here is a female arse to gaze upon, word has it that shes real ugly and as dumb as a box of frogs..................yeah who cares?

Ass Wednesday.

Two untrustworthy shitehawks, just like the Klingons, don't trust them don't believe them.

You all know me to be a fair and just man that gives anyone a chance in life no matter what race, religion , gender or sexual orientation. So the Fenians with that shit on their heads whats that about? I saw the Da Vinci code I know what a pack of crazy cat killing bastards they are, no offense to any crazy cat killing bastards reading this but c'mon wear a fucking rubber, yous are like flies.
You have to respect a religion that has an ex nazi cross dresser as its head man, mainly because if you don't respect them they'll blow ya up.
So today I'm not going to post, I'm just going to insult people with the hope I get flagged, if I'm no getting Blog of note then I want some prize,I should get something merely out of pity. I've got arthritis in my fingers, one leg, the clap from getting too many dodgy pedo searches from Germany, erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation at the same time, its not easy you know, then again its not hard either, its kinda hauntingly limp with a mocking slouch to it .
So where was I ? oh yeah not only did the Catholics kill Jesus on the cross but they go about pretending to give a shit with a bit of ash on their forehead. I knew an Irish guy who was of the altar boy persuasion if you know what I mean, he got out of bed, popped a bit of ash onto his forehead from his coal fire and came into work just to be noticed that he had it on his head, "hey John you have yer ash still on yer head, did ya not wash today?" he'd look all forgetful "oh that, I forgot all about that" and wipes it off, so unhygienic. I was sure you had to do to a chapel to get a kiddie diddler to put it on yer head but what do I know ? I'm in a sensible religion.
That fella John was a real twat, he was obsessed with that Rick Springsteen guy and his born in the USA shite, he went over to work in the New Jersey area and got to see Asbury park which was the name of one of Bruce Springfield's LPs, I know this cos the fucker wouldn't shut up about it. He worked construction there with a load of other Irish lads and stayed in the same building, one day he came back from work and found a note saying they had all fucked off back to Ireland, and I was not surprised.
John had this gurlfriend and she thought because I talked to John I was his friend, wise the bap up wee doll, (means get real young woman) look at my Blog, I talk to wankers all the time, they aren't my friends they are just waiting to see weakness before they attack. I can't remember the gurl's name so I'll just call her 'easy rider' she wanted me to talk to John because whenever she sucked him off he always thrusted which nearly choked her half the time, who am I Dr Ruth? that was one conversation I wasn't going to have, if he had BO or farted too much (can you fart too much? I don't think so) no problem, I did tell him plenty of times how stupid he was and how he'd burn in Hell for being a Heathen but the thrusting thing no way, that crosses the line.

Two untrustworthy shitehawks, just like the Klingons, don't trust them don't believe them.

I'll be walking about all day telling people they have a bit of shit stuck to their heads, I think anytime after noon if they still have it on you get to pinch them or something and say "Ass Wednesday is dead and gone and you're a fool for carrying on" .

Sassy Sundry, you were my muse for putting asses up today, an old Scottish blessing " May you always be regular and the dock leaves be big".

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

A Bit Of Crack.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Previously on Old Bitter Balls

In the comments Mj said:

Since I'm newish to this blog, I don't know whether or not you've ever posted a pic of yer own posterior.
If not, isn't now the time?

Our hero replied:

I knew you wanted me.

Mj passionately gasped:

Post the damned arse pic. Your full frontal did nothing for me so I'm not sure I'll want you from behind either.

Jesus Would Kick Allah's Shite In.

Typical Londoners just asking for an interment camp.

Many years back around 1916 if I remember correctly me and a friend T.S. Elliot. went to play sand politics in order to talk the Arabs into joining up to aid the British and fight against the dirty Turks who were allied with the dirty Hun.

I was just thinking, the main reason why the sand savages strap on explosives and go off and die for Allah and their 72 virgin goats is because Arabs can't shoot for shit, put a camel jockey up in that book suppository in Dallas in 1963 and even with JFK's massive head bobbing away someone in the crowd was more likely to get hit.
The only reason the Arabs have won any battles is the enemies' fear off brutal Arab bumsex which they are legendary for.

"Goats are less trouble than Weemen and I'm not afraid of them."

Happy Fat Arse Day!

What a strange day, I was over at Boudica of Suburbia who had posted a picture of her arse (I suspect she may get a few hits knowing the pervs on this blog) and then I was talking (respectfully without making eye contact) to Sam problem - child - bride and bottoms keep cuming up so here is a picture from my hospital rounds the other day, no idea who these two blokes were but they legged it when they saw me, also as a strange coincidence I'm talking out of my own arse more than usual today.

I pronounce this day which is Pancake day or fat Tuesday 'happy fat arse day'

The Deleter

" Vould you like to vide bitch unt my motorcycle?"

There was that time when a cyborg from the future came after me to stop me from writing this Blog because one of the posts gives one of my readers an idea for a new computer system, one that would never crash, was compatible with everything and had anti- pop up and spam that actually worked and could find free porn that was totally free.
I was sitting in the living room reading the newspaper with darts being played on the telly so the house wouldn't sound so quiet .
My then wife Rosie was in the kitchen cooking, as it was Friday and we always had a fry up for breakfast and dinner for good luck you know like the bloody Dutch.
All of a sudden my 2 Jack Russells Roger and Todger starting barking and going nuts, then the door bell rang,"Rosie the fucking Mormons are at the door again get the bucket of water".
I did feel sorry for the American lads who come over here to convert us savages, but where the fuck were they in 1941?
Rosie answered the door and from the hall I heard some intercourse a thud and a splash yes that does indeed sound like intercourse but something was wrong. "what the fuck is going on with the Osmond clones? are they giving you shit?" usually I'd set the dogs unto them but they had buggered off somewhere. I proceeded to strap on my prosthetic leg to kick some Yank arse like I did in 1812, speaking of Yank arse that Dolly Madison sure had some junk in her boot as the young uns say.
The glass door of the living room opened and it seemed as if a giant shadow had poured in dimming all light .
Standing there was a big fuck off crew cut muscle bound ghey biker with an Uzi 9 millimetre long slide lazer sighting,"queer Barry lives 3 doors doon if that's who ya are after?" "Are you Soren Knudsen?" I dyed my hair back then and could pass for 70 so I wasn't called old, his accent was thick, greasy and definitely German which raised my heckle and got my back up straight away, like nails on a chalk board.I recognised this wanker to be a cyborg from the future, always happens on a Tuesday "no ya dopey big poofer I'm Ava fucking Gardner do ya want my autograph?" he looked confused though his range of emotion seemed to be that of a dead starfish, he slowly raised his Uzi, I was ready to kick off my leg at him and get laid into the nazi cunt, I'm a Terrier, I never know when to back doon even though my two were behind the sofa shaking like Michael J Fox. I was about to make my move then he said one strange word, "voal", and his shoulders slumped , the bastard had crashed.
I speak 12 languages so was able to work out he actually meant to say 'Woal' but like the chinks say fluck the nazi cyborgs say 'V' for 'W' quite funny really not as good as a stutter but still good comedy.
So my bacon was burnt, no dinner for me, my dogs were wimps and now I'd have to shoot them, my hall carpet was soaking, there was fuck all on the telly tonight and I had a dead wife stinking up the place, why does this always happen to me?
I did the only thing there was to do, I pulled doon the cyborgs trousers and looked at his willy, I mean who wouldn't ? do ya want to know what I found? no? well ok then that's the story of the cyborg from the future , I drilled a hole up his arse and fed a wire through and he made a great standard lamp, a focal point for the room and a conversation starter .

I never get Terminators like this, c'mon future Bill Gates pull yer finger out, oops sorry you don't have fingers as you're just a brain in a jar connected to computer.

Ok then he was a smoothie and had a Microsoft logo instead of a knob.

Monday, 19 February 2007

We're All Gonna Die!

Not wishing to scare anyone but we are soooooo going to die.

Well I wished for it and here it is an Asteroid is going to strike the Earth on 13th April.
Our one best hope is the UN, so people we are royally fucked, we're all going to die.
Its actually has a 1 in 45,000 of a chance of hitting us and depending on the angle and speed may just take out one of the Earth's capitol cities or a region, as we know from the movies its always a city with well known landmarks, and as we also know the debris will block the sun and boy does Global warming sound good during a Ice fucking age.
The nerds er I mean scientists have named the Asteroid Apophis after the Egyptian God who really kicked ass in Stargate, they were going to name it Buffy because she kicks high but then the show got canceled.

So anyway back to the death and destruction, mankind came along, fucked the planet all up, totally enabled by weemankind so I'm not to sorry to see us go, its not the end of the world just the human parasites that invest it, nature always has a plan.

Rusty Schweickart who spends alot of time wandering around and watching the skies, he always carries big rocks incase he has to twat any aliens that want to probe him, "they never use lube" he says shaking his head, " I don't care what planet you cum from, there is always time for lube, its interglactic manners".

Former US astronaut Rusty Schweickart which sounds really painful says we should upgrade our Asteroid monitoring systems as there are probably thousands out there waiting to kill us, yeah hes a proper ray of sunshine, this guy was an astronaut in 1969, that was the year Monty python aired its first episode on the BBC, John lennon went solo the My Lai massacre in Vietnam, Ted Kennedy killed campaign worker Mary Jo Kopechne and the
Reverend Ian Paisley, Protestant leader in Northern Ireland, is jailed for 3 months for illegal assembly and refused to take it up the ass in the showers, "NO! I'm a giver not a taker" he proclaimed, it makes me proud to be bitter.

So what the fuck does rusty dick know? he has some half arsed idea involving a space ship that fires out gravity to deflect asteroids, I'm sure a 460 foot long rock would be so easy to deflect, Rusty also says "live long and prosper" a lot too.

This is not a Rusty Schweickart its a syphilitic ulcer and the least of yer worries, see what happens when you wear Calvin Kleins? I took this picture while I was doing my rounds at the local hospital Mr Johnson didn't mind.

This plan would only cost 300 million, so hes not so nuts after all, the 13th of April is not too far away so tell yer boss to fuck off and shag the hoor next door who gives a fuck what you catch, oh and did I mention it was in 2036 so mark it on yer calendars.