Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Yes Mongs Its Yer Turn.

Isn't she lovely? if it wasn't for my common birth and hatred of Germans I could be Old Knudsen consort to the Queen and the Grand old Duke of Earl. Of course I have banged her. Is That indescreet telling that? sorry I've got Asperger's syndrome and Tourettes "fucking tit wank" so its not my fault.

Before I forget, "pinch 'n' punch the first of the month and no returns", sorry I can't be there to pinch and punch you in person.

What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?

You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.

From The Urban Dictionary

Asperger's syndrome

the only disorder where "sufferers" have fuck all in common with each other because all "symptoms" are normal personality traits that everyone in the world has at least one of.

There is no such thing as asperger's syndrome

Asperger's Syndrome

A state of mental existence often misdiagnosed as a disorder. Though this is probably to be expected, as people who do not benefit from Asperger's were the ones who decided to call it one.

Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism that has effects such as the ability to focus intently and a level of logical thinking that almost rivals computers.
Asperger's people also have a lower tendency to care about social interactions and graces, which is likely why neurotypicals (normal folks, often abbreviated NT) consider them disabled.

Asperger's is no more a disorder than sleep is. If anything, the mind of an Asperger's individual is more organized than a normal person's.


This term is an affectionate nickname for those with Asperger's syndromeIt was the idea of parents
relatives of aspies.
Aspies are healthy mentally, their brain's just wired a different way.
I am an Aspie. That is, a person with asperger's syndrome. Some of the definitions on asperger's on here are questionable at best, at worst, so ignorant as to be offensive.Someone who claims to be an aspie ((the one that mentions a pill about the size of a tic-tac)) would be more believable had they omitted the clause of it being made up.

Asparagus Syndrome

An unlucky cunt who is not only painfully autistic (asperger syndrome) but can't spell for shit (dyslexic)
He says he feels a lighter shade of yellow today but when I told him to write down "yellow", he wrote "hjsdf". He must have Asparagus Syndrome .


Aspergers Syndrome is a disorder similiar to Autism. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness.
They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest.
They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see.

The lead singer from the Vines has Aspergers Syndrome who ever he is.

Its a cop out for those with undeveloped social skills cos they are just thick and unimaginative, also the cultural divide happens too, a lot of yanks get so lost on my Blog because they don't know the cultural references or the surrealism is a bit too surreal for them, such basic stuff to me but I could put them doon as having Aspergers that would be 80% of America, they get all the hip mental illnesses and buzzwords first. I know there are autistic people out there I've seen Rain man I just think people are more quick to give themselves a label and and excuse than try to overcome. FUCKER, sorry one slipped out .

Is Bestiality A Step Up Or Doon From Harry Potter?

Erect nipples, hairy chest and a treasure trail doon to paradise, I give him a year and 2 months before this lad cums out of the closet.

Now I don't criticise anyone you all know that. I'm an open and carefree person, what ever depraved disgusting things you do in the privacy of yer own home or discreetly at a bus stop is up to you. I also have total respect for JRR Tolkien when she wrote those 30 or so Harry Potter books even though they aren't my cup of tea I am someone who appreciates good literature, you just have to look at my Blog to see that. The Harry Potter movies were on the other hand a pack of shite, its sad to see such formerly high class actors appearing in such goat licking turd crunching films. Poor Richard Harris died of shame to get out of his contract.
The head boy in the films Daniel Radcliffe has now grown up ish, thankgod for lighting and camera angles because this is one goofy looking mong. Well ok maybe I do criticise a little bit.

Steady on there Trigger my old son, you know you love it.

Mr Radcliffe is has now a few hairs on his sunken chest and a few million in the bank so now hes doing the most un Harry Potter thing there is, hes doing a play called ' The horse diddler' about a boy and his inappropriate relationship with his horse, this play calls for him to appear naked, not even a cap, all his shameful sinful parts will be on display for all to see, I'm trying to get some members of the Free Presbyterian church of Scotland to which I belong to protest somewhere near a pub about this outrageous display that none of us have seen or are likely to see but its the principal of the thing.
I hope these pictures will disgust you enough to join me, you're buying.

Cum In Sassy Sundry Yer Time Is Up.

I did warn ya gurl. I have time traveled to 2008, its a time when I am the biggest and most influential Blog in the universe and delete those from my sidebar that displease me, in fact you can't have a blog unless I approve you for my sidebar and when I mean delete I mean delete with extreme prejudice.
Thanks to my endorsement and Blogjinx MoJo the new president above takes to the oval office.

John M'Cain for prez in 2008, and why? cos hes not Bush or a Democrat.

Does the title sound dirty or what?

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Cum Dippers

Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love, some people call me a racist, misogynistic hateful old spoiler and I say "and? if you have a point make it and then fuck off".

Asian Weeman Past 30 Can be Hot.

The Japs rule the world, well the world of competitive dying. Emma Tillman 114 lasted 4 days as the oldest woman in the world until she mysteriously died peacefully, they saved the baby.
The world's oldest person is now Yone Minagawa a 114 year old from Fukuoka Japan, now the oldest man and woman in the world are Japanese, this super couple are thought to be the next Becks and Posh or Brad and Angelina, stay tuned death junkies for more exciting updates or click next Blog I'm not too worried, its really shite.

I Just Want To Thank All Those I Stepped On Along The Way.

On the 25th February its Oscar night again, firstly I don't care if you don't give a shit about the Oscars and say its all Hollywood politics with everyone scratching each other's backs, go read a more witty and interesting Blog then, whats that? can't find one ok then this is what I have to offer.

Old Knudsen hasn't gone ghey, last week in that public restroom was a misunderstanding and we both shook hands about it afterwards, of course I couldn't look him in the eye. (a short fella)
I can't wait to see what Versace or Vera Wang come up with , its my dream to walk up the red carpet and have some dopey hoor like Joan Rivers ask me "who are you wearing" and I'll say "Burtons" or "Marks and Sparks" and then up comes Matt Damon who plays the Young Knudsen and Antony Hopkins who plays the Old one.
"Is it true Old Knudsen that you're dating Salma Hayek?" being a gentlemen I like to be discreet where the ladies are concerned,"no I merely fucked her in the ass as she was on her moons and played with her tities, check out my Blog for the full story".

Don't worry when I'm famous I'll still remember you little people that read me during the time in which I was Blogging in a local Burger King while holding doon two jobs and supporting a family of 6. I have no idea who the family were, parasitic fuckers the lot of them. Of course you lot will disappear when I start charging £10 a post or £29.99 a month, what a bargain.

The movies this year are really really shite and I have not seen any of them but that doesn't stop me from having a go, I'm so disappointed in these films, so anyway any other categories I don't care like Sound Editing, who gives a fuck? and you can tell how bad a movie is when all its in is Visual Effects, Superman returns and Poseidon. If Scorsese doesn't do well this year he may very well cry, its his turn.
Here are Old Knudsen's picks for the 2007 Oscars.

Best Picture: Babel............ it has to get something card

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio........... Not a great choice card

Best Actress: Helen Mirren............. Queen card

Best Supporting Actor: Djimon Hounsou ............If not then Eddie Murphy race card

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett ..............we like her card

Best Director: Martin Scorsese..................... pity card

For each I get wrong I will donate £50.00 to charity. Or I'll just say fuck off, yeah that sounds better .

Monday, 29 January 2007

Old Lady Mexican Hookers.

How come the skinny dying fuckers (SDF) always get the birds? must be a musician.

There was once a boy who while out watching his sheep with his lap top blogging away he decided it would be funny if he cried wolf, have you ever cried wolf? that's when yer tears come out wolf shaped, just like crocodile tears . I knew a gurl that cried poodle once but it was her period so she was well emotional also she had just ran out of milk and how can you eat chocolate without milk? for that's what separates us humans from the Slavs , you know what that's like.

So he was Blogging away and along came a spider and sat doon beside him so he took off his shoe and killed it like you do, so anyway most of yous didn't believe I was going anywhere which is fine because I never said when I was going to take two weeks off.
I read recently in a newspaper that 2007 was going to be the year Blogging gets burned out, its seems people think they have a lot to say and when asked to step up and say it everyday and making it interesting they falter, or can't take the pressure of posting all the time, it also said there are already 200 million ex bloggers and it will level out to 30 million active ones.
I of course e-mailed the paper in question which is a local one with high aspirations and naturally a fear of Interweb use. Yes I did tell them to fuck off, the example of the Blogger they used was quite sad no wonder he gave up. You would never admit to paying money in the cinema to watch 'The Devil wears prada' nevermind posting about it.
Yes Dive I will draft a constitution about what you can or can't draft about without looking like a woman (no offense to any weemen out there, you know I love you all, even you DH) anyway Weemen are allowed to post like weemen or like men, its a double standard so fuck off.

Where was I? oh yes I was stalking through the undergrowth looking for Charlie,I got my wish there he was standing in the pale moonlight wearing his customary black pajamas and talking to Jane Fonda. I aimed and shot a short burst from my M-16, and he fell like a sack of shit. Fonda freaked out I took out my trusty David Bowie knife and advanced on her. I'd teach her for making such shit films and being a traitor . Charlie was still alive, damn those M-16s and their crappy stopping power, AK-47s now they are the shit, why does the west use such small calibre weapons? because they aren't serious about winning.

Now being so close as to smell his piss stains from Charlie I saw he was wearing a paisley smoking jacket over his PJs , fuck sake! it wasn't Charlie it was Hugh Hefner my meds started to kick in and I remembered I was in Burbank studios advising on the latest movie 'Platoon 2 the return' a bit like Saving private Ryan but with Charlie Sheen (who I thought I had just killed) and it had an animated monkey that only he could see,It was a look at post traumatic stress disorder and jokes about throwing animated poo very hardcore. Ocsar material for sure.Fonda was there to protest something or other who cares? and Hefner was there to hook Sheen up with some hookers er I mean Playmates. The movie was scrapped for some reason, maybe for the shooting or the 10 hour stand off I don't know. I escaped to Canada, don't go there boring as fuck , and where do all these Muslims come from? even Sweden is full of them now. America rightly so said it doesn't want all those Iraqis displaced by the war but Sweden is soft as shite and doesn't even require you to speak the language.

Oh yeah that newspaper. I fully expect a centre page spread about the best Blog ever and how I'm the guilty pleasure of those on Bloglines who won't admit to reading me, yeah I know, with my lack of punctuation and harsh salty semen terms I'm just a bit of rough for you, snobby cunts.

This Blog needs to be pruned if its to last another year and it has way too much fertilizer on it, oh and it needs more minge.

Now that you thought you were going to lose my wisdom for two weeks (its never 2 weeks is it?) hopefully you've examined yer hearts and cum to the conclusion that you love me more than ever, now we can advance to the pay pal section of the Blog. I expected some cunts to go yay! as they are not in touch with their feelings but the rest of you just filled me with shame with the nice things you said as I would happily turn you all over to the KBG if things got a little rough or if money, sex , tea or pickles were mentioned, did I ever mention before how much I liked pickles?
Ok I've had enough attention, I'm bored now .

The boy that sat up on his hill crying wolf was very dear to me, for I was the man that used to rent him for sex, its ok he was 16 with parental consent and I was married so it wasn't like I was ghey , sheep blogging makes fuck all money which is why he was so dear to me, that lad grew up and became a movie star, £10 a pop which was big money back then, considering a packet of chewits cost 10p and you could buy penny chews. Ewan my lad you were worth it.

Speaking of which I have only mentioned Hitler in 2 posts of this Blog which is bad as he is such a hysterical wank stain just like yer American President Bush.
Hitler gave a new meaning to "eat shit and die".
Hitler had stomach problems as I have mentioned before so his personal Doctor took bacteria from shit of a 'vigorous' Bavarian peasant and put it into capsule form so Hitler would swallow it and the bacteria would grow and dominate Hitler's bowels and thus making him healthy , who hasn't had Doctors like that huh?

This information is totally true, it is my duty to ridicule such famous historical figures especially when neo nazis and white supremacists worship him .

This Blog is very important to the running of the world, depending on who I back or who I'm against my obvious influence is great, it is bigger than I am. I proclaimed this Blog Shilpa shetty friendly and now she has won Big Brother, I can only hope that she thanks me in person.

That blog of yours is massive. I'm not used to anything that size, me cumming from India and all .

Expect big changes on this Blog from now on, I can also promise you more of the same, so its the same old shite but totally different, tell yer friends.

Vulcan The God Of Fire In The Hole.

" Oh my god I was so drunk last night I had anal intercourse with a midget, highly illogical ".

"you loved it ya big eared cunt".

Its So Long Though I Don't Like To Brag.

To cut doon on harmful emissions that are destroying the Ozone layer, killing the red eyed tree frogs and giving the Lemurs a foothold in Somalia (backed by the US) I must cease Blogging for a period of at least 2 weeks. Keep up the good work and hope you are all (well not all of you) here when I get back, to help my growth as a person I have decided to work servicing the community or some sort nonsense.

This picture is how I would want to be remembered.

Sunday, 28 January 2007

Ewan In A Kilt

More Ewan for the masses, you could totally see his lad. I had to blacken it out, no need to thank me it was huge.

Why do scotsmen wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

If ya can't laugh at yerself then pick on a Pole.

Smells Like Piss Stains And Raw Fish To Me.

Not only am I old but my penis is this big and boy am I going to use it.

I've been inundated with e-mails asking me who the new world's oldest man is. I thought I took this shit seriously but Mutley the dog you really need to wind it doon a bit, talk about competitive . Due to the recent deaths of Japan's oldest man and the world's oldest man Japan's second oldest man Tomoji Tanabe now rules the world. I told you it was a cut throat geezer eat geezer business.
Tanabe aged 111 years old drinks milk, avoids alcohol and doesn't smoke, which shows you years of discipline in order to get to where he is today.
The world's oldest person competition as run By the Guinness book of records throws the winner into the seedy world of drink drugs and sex with people young enough to be their great grand children, this is when the old gits make up for years of being a boring old shite and is why, once you have the title you don't hold it for long and unless a competitor gets to you , you will die high and sexed up.

If he mated with the world's oldest woman back in the day I wonder how old their children would live for.

Idi Amin Says "Cunt "

Master Of Beta.

You all know me as a whiny cunt that complains about everything. Well this time its different ish.
I had a post a while back about what a bastard Yahoo is because it wanted me to switch to beta with my mail and kept pressuring me, then I had posts about what a bastard Blogger was because it wanted me to switch to beta and kept pressuring me.
Yahoo had that annoying Chris Evans bouncing on his green testicle for ages as it loaded up and what for? a load of features to try to sell me stuff and sign up for alsorts so I resisted, after a while I said ok I'll give it another try.
Now Yahoo has that annoying Evans fella being chased by an ostrich with the suggestion that it might do him harm, it didn't catch him but it loaded up faster and I'm not getting so much spam now so yay!

Its like a Hitchcock film, the violence is not seen but implied, I hope it catches that wee shite.

Blogger, any chance of improvement? you were doon the other day, my sidebar still slips and you still mess up with pictures and took off all my closed comments on older posts as I noticed when some Slav from Romania tried to sell me a Ford capri, so i have to do that again, c'mon you bastards pull the finger out, also since I've been on Beta Bloggers my posts have not been so witty, I'm like a normal Blogger what gives?

Update since writing this and letting it rot in my drafts, I changed my old Template over to the new Beta one but copied and pasted it first, now I have everything a lot better, I got rid of wanker as he was crushing my text and that annoyed me, I'm now back to telling you all yo fuck off at the bottom of my page, and I really do mean that, now get back to yer Idi Amin day.

Saturday, 27 January 2007

Idi Amin Sunday.

I love this picture, it reminds me of those blaxploitation films of the 70's. Action Amin in 'I'll busta cap in yo ass'.
Join the Old Knudsen what is he thinking about competition "I ordered a triple thick shake, what the fuck is this?"

Idi Amin Dada (c. 1924–16 August2003) The president of Uganda along with him and the Planet of the Apes movies Old Knudsen has a fear of Large primates.
He persecuted other Africans,Indians,Jews,Hindus and Christians, the death toll during his reign was not less than 80,000 and as much as 500,000 as compiled by Amnesty International though they are not to be trusted.
It is said that he gave himself the title "His Excellency president for life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in particular

In 1946 he joined the Kings African Rifles (KAR) as part of the colonial army and worked bravely in the laundry and kitchen. In 1947 he transferred to Kenya as an infantry man and claims to have served in the Burma campaign during WWII but I never saw him there and records show he joined up after the war was over.
In 1954 Amin was made a Warrant officer which was the highest rank a black African could get to in the British Colonial Army. He earned the nickname Dada while serving in Kenya, everytime he was caught with a woman in his tent he claimed she was his dada which is Swahili for sister and got away with it, just to clear this up further, only sex with yer sister or young boys is only allowed in the British army, everything else is just not cricket old chap.
During this time Amin exercised and became Uganda's light heavyweight boxing champ 1951 to 1960.
After getting independence in 1962 Milton Obote Uganda's first PM promoted Amin to captain and then deputy commander of the army in 1964.

On hearing that Obote was going to arrest him for mismanagement of army funds Amin seized power in a coup in 1971 when Obote was at a Commonwealth meeting in Singapore.
Amin was welcomed by Uganda and the international community, the British Foreign Office described him as "A splendid type and a good football player", hey the Americans liked and supported Mussolini right up to the time he joined with Hitler, both splendid types.

1972 Amin told the 50,000 Asians that lived in Uganda they had 90 days to get out, he said God told him to expel them in a dream, I wouldn't be surprised, God can be a right cunt sometimes, he drinks a lot. Most Asians got asylum in the UK. During the 90 days Ugandan soldiers engaged in theft and violence against the Asians.Amin severed diplomatic relations with Israel as he was heavily connected to the PLO and also got support from Libya and the Soviet Union.
In 1973 the US closed it's embassy in Kampala and in 1976 the UK closed it's High Commission in Uganda..
As the years went on, Amin became increasingly erratic and outspoken. He had his tunics specially lengthened so that he could wear many WWII medals, including the Military Cross and Victoria Cross. He granted himself a number of titles, including 'King of Scotland' and 'Lord shake 'n' Vac of the Glade'.

War hero and alround nice guy he was neither, if you had a head and he had a shovel it might not end well.

In 1978 Amin with his troops at the brink of mutiny he invaded Tanzania, the President of Tanzania Julius Nyerere said 'fuck you' and declared war on Uganda and attacked using a large amount of Ugandan exiles.
In 1979 Amin bravely ran away and got asylum in that nice ally of ours Saudi Arabia.The new Ugandan government chose to keep him exiled as they didn't want him to face war crimes if he returned, the Saudi's gave him a good life as they wanted to silence him as he was doing harm to Islam.
Idi Amin died in 2003 and was buried in Jeddah where he lived his last 20 odd years.
David Owen who was the Foreign Secretary 1977-1979 suggested that Amin be assassinated but the idea was promptly rejected Britain's Prime Minister, James Callaghan, being a fucking liberal and nicknamed Sunny Jim and all. Owen said "Amin's regime was the worst of all . Its a shame that we allowed him to keep power for so long"

AKA Idi Amin Dada Oumee
Born: c. 1924Birthplace:
UgandaDied: 16-Aug 2003
Location of death: Jeddah Saudi Arabia
Cause of death: unspecified
Gender: MaleReligion: Muslim
Race or Ethnicity: Black
Sexual orientation: Straight
Occupation: Head of State
Nationality: Ugandan
Executive summary: Former dictator of Uganda
Military service: British Army
Father: Amin Dada (d.)Brother: Ramadan AminWife: MaliamuWife: NorahWife: KayWife: Sarah
Son: Haji Ali Kirunda Amin
President of Uganda 1971-79

The name Amin was used 23 times in this post.

The Last King Of Scotland

Here is the Last king of Scotland. James VI of Scotland and who was also James I of England, the first King of the United Kingdom 1603.

Here is the next King of Scotland when it breaks away from England, c'mon who is with me? no one? don't blame ya I can't even get onto Blogs of note, those bastards.

Keep It In The Family.

One of Idi Amin's sisters.

You can have Mothering Sunday, Remembrance Sunday and Sunday service on the buses, well I only recently found out that today is Idi Amin Sunday, yes that big Gorilla in the mist who whacked more people than Al Capone has his own day, an interesting life he had and though he was a fucker he well deserves a mention on this Blog, burn in Hell Dada.

Hes Back.

The world's ex oldest man made a startling recovery after dying earlier this week, he sat up in bed and said "tell Old Knudsen to put more minge on his Blog its the Lord's will", he caught up on what the Blogs were saying about him and then watched a re run of Married with children and said " I'm bored, fuck this shit I'm off again ".

I shall carry out yer last wishes now would someone drive a stake through his heart before he comes back.

Celebrity Sanchez # 2

Just getting this one in for Dive, Lisa Leob seemed like a very nice young lady, a little too New Yorker Woody Allen type for my liking. Her career used to be good when she was boning Ethan Hawke but has since gone into decline, afraid to loose any fans she posed for all photos, showing her tits and doing gang signs whatever the fans wanted, when I asked if I could smear my feces across her upper lip she was ever so nice about it . She was really pleased that her picture is going up on Blogger's # 1 Blog, any publicity at her age, she said a dirty Sanchez was better than doing a reality show .

For Sheltered Minds.

Everyone enjoys their own brand.

Just to clear things up as to what a dirty sanchez is, here is a short instructional public information film from that Blogger who is dying from the clap or something Fat Sparrow.

I Aim To Please.

I aim where I please.

We here at Old Bitter Balls like to fulfill the requests of our readers (as long as its no trouble) and one such request was to see my nipples, in sympathy with Filthy Friday that goes on at The Infomaniac yes I know its Saturday but it all makes sense to me here is a picture of my nips as taken in the old lion photo shoot I did when I joined The Doors, there were 127 of these taken and I've had to set up my own Blog to show them as no one else would leak them on the Interweb.
I've been Blogging for 6 months now man and boy and I've realised you can't just meet a fellow like myself and not be afflicted er sorry I mean effected, I've always had a certain something no not the clap, men want to be me and weemen want to do me, on occasion its been the other way round but I don't mind so much.
That shifty fellow Dive with the Spice rack even made up a word to describe my style.
'Knudsenesque ' , I want to go one step further and impregnate the world and how we live it, this shows the effect I've had on others.

You know you've been Knudsened when:

1) you call out my name during a sexual climax. this is according to confessions from Kav, Kieran, Footeater, Gaijin Gurl, Eddie Waring, ame and Lynn. Dive calls out his own name.

2) you get aroused when you see anyone wearing a flat cap.

3) you notice that you start spelling it 'weemen'.

4) you get fired for staring at a picture of a naked guy in a cap at work all day.

5) you ask yerself What Would Old Knudsen Do?

6) you have given up on Oil of Olay and Ponds in favour of bathing in the blood of runaways and snorting lines of stem cells in order to look young.

7) your language and grammar has gotten worse even though you teach English and have 10 PHD's .

8) you slip historical facts and hidden meaning into posts and write about Northern Ireland to annoy people.

9) you claim things are in the bible and actually believe it.

10) you come here for up to the minute news.

Celebrity Sanchez # 1

No expense in either money or good taste has been spared here at Old Bitter Balls. I bring you a collection of celebrity Sanchezing on people that are right stupid cunts but still game for a laugh.
Liam Neeson this big tall bad acting fella from Ballymena Northern Ireland even joked around with me by saying "hey Old Knudsen, I think you've too much iron in yer diet".
I never liked him much until then, even in Schlinder's List I liked the nazi guy more but there was some fine naked fanny in that film and er I mean, terrible it was so touching and thing, not as sad as Episode one, was the rent due that month Liam?

Friday, 26 January 2007

Wake Up And Smell The Lemurs.

If Lemurs were 4 foot tall they would rule the world, this could be a frightening reality if Global warming, Bush, El Nino, The Devil, Osama and all the other famous distracting scapegoats have their way.
Humans would become a slave race building evil Lemur temples, they would use us as cattle to feed off and a few would be used to create a race of hybrid Lemurs that can Blog and spread their lies across the world, maybe this part of the plan has already begun, doesn't the name Kieran sound kind of Lemury ? and everyone knows Pandas are the ancient Lemur adversary , see? it all makes sense, lets get Kav while we're at it to make sure, I get those two confused all the time, which one is the funny one? 'me' that's which one hahaha.
Contact yer local MP at once and insist that the government has a Lemur eradication plan that wasn't devised in the 1950's . We must go to Madagascar, fight them and kill them all, because if we don't do it there then we'll have to do it here and the publicity control on that would be a nightmare, how can you rape and kill Lemurs with 100 camera phones pointing at you?

Australia Day.

Way too busy to be Blogging, leave it to the weemen.

Today is Australia day which means absolutely nothing to me. I love Australians as you know and have posted about them a few times before. Australian men are thick as pig shit but have that simple honesty about them, you will never see them on the Interweb as the way a fly cannot comprehend a pane of glass they cannot understand how to work a computer and continue to try to cook their pop tarts in the DVD opening. Too busy staring at tits drinking beer and calling each other Bruce.
Australian weemen are a bit brighter which is why you might meet them on-line, as I have mostly met Australian females I hold out hope for that strange race of people, fine ambassadors.
Those from New Zealand who get called Australian all the time are just a bunch of hobbit diddlers.

To demonstrate the stupidity and arrogance of people we turn our attention to those that wear slogans on their T-shirts. I read the T-shirts of others as isn't that the reason for them? to show everyone how wacky you are and show off yer opinion as if anyone cared, get a Blog then you'll see who doesn't care. My eye sight isn't that quick to focus anymore and people don't stand still for you so you may need several attempts for it. The amount of dirty looks I get from weemen that think I'm staring at their tits, ok they may be perky and yer T-shirt tight but don't flatter yerself I want to read something about you being yer own family or something or that you're a juicy princess. Then when they see you reading they get all self conscious about it and cover up.

Not the fool who was trying to catch a plane in Melbourne Australia to London (England for all you Yanks) he was turned away from the Qantas gate for refusing to change his T-shirt. Allen Jasson (mong) had a T-shirt with a picture of Bush on it saying "World's #1 terrorist", now maybe I'm missing the facts but Bush is the democratically elected President Of the U.S of A , if he was a terrorist the people would oust him, so this man is like Rain man or something, "uh oh Allen made a fart, Qantas the safest airline in the world", no offense to any mongs reading this ah who gives a fuck you happy moon faced bastards you aren't going to get this, away and dig in the garden.

Remember when everywhere had the right to refuse service signs up? well just because you can't see them doesn't mean they don't apply, and if you go on about free speech I will kick you in the balls for being stupid, its free as long as everyone likes what you are saying. I don't believe in free speech, I think you fuckers should pay me.
Qantas stated that Jasson had the potential to offend other customers and threaten the security of the aeroplane.
Next time wear yer Dead Kennedy's too drunk to fuck T-shirt moron.

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Burn's Night Comes Around Again Like A Record Baby.

I was recently asked about the Scottish Sporran, "Mr Knudsen sir, what is up with that minge like thing you vastly superior Jocks carry around on yer kilts?" first of when you talk about Scottish culture like that we Scots feel the quickening and will most likely kill you, then we'd cry at our loss and write a terrible song of lamentation.
You see we don't have much in the way of culture, all everyone goes on about is kilt this and kilt that and it was a bloody Englishman that invented the modern day version on the kilt in 1727, it was taken from the Great kilt or Breacan which was a length of cloth 6 yards by 2 yards that was wrapped around the body and over the shoulder. Tartan was also made up and the various patterns that became most popular in the 19th century were probably just regional manufacturing differences. I've mentioned before that the bagpipes were from the middle east and used in the Scottish regiments of the British army, but there is always the Sporran.

The Sporran which is Scottish Gaelic for purse was used because when wearing the Breacan you didn't have any pockets, this could be used to carry money, yer cell phone or even sometimes food. Made from goat or badger skin it could be plain or decorated.

Wombles, they pretend to be all environmentally friendly then they eat yer children.

Great Uncle Bulgaria, Tomsk, and Madame Cholet ganging up to take a small gurl doon, violent and bloody is their way.

I personally used Womble, I had my own wee business making Sporrans, those Wombles were tricky, they'd go under ground over ground or just Wombling free, I am responsible for wiping out Wombles in the north the south belonged to the soft southern English gangs and that was their turf. Lambeth was their base, the Pearly Kings and Queens, they'd walk about Lambeth going Oi! they wore buttons all over their clothes to deflect the point of a knife in a fight.
Once I strayed too close while on a Womble hunt, I was too worried about being ambushed by the Womble to notice them, they caught me and dragged me up some apples and pears to room where the Head Pearly King was. I'll never forget his boat race, looked like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, they thought I was a septic tank at first, you know those Sassanachs not too bright, I told them I was Listerine and I only sounded septic when I sang.

Mean bastards that fight like fuck, Elephant and castle, stick it up yer asshole.

The Head King was a right Berkeley hunt, he grabbed me by the cobbler's awls and of course I told him everything, they said they were going to kill me and would I like some Jellied eels as a last meal, I told them I'd rather eat my own feces though I wouldn't say no to a Ruby, they agreed to go fetch me one and as their shouts of oi! faded in the distance I slipped out the windy and doon a drain pipe and made my escape.

I couldn't find a pretty female Scottish actress so I put up Ewan McGregor instead, pretty isn't he? and to cover my arse just go to Sam problem-child-bride's Blog on my sidebar for an example of real Scottish beauty, but watch it she'll glass ya.

You may have noticed by now this does not have much to do with Robert Burns, well so fuck I don't care. I put up one of his poems on my other Blog Old Knudsen, a bit ghey to be honest . I've been to Burn's cottage, very small not very impressive at all, they sell wee white furry men with tartan hats to the tourists.

Insulting the English, confusing the Yanks my job is done here.

The World's Oldest Man Dead.......Next!

What the fuck are you looking at? he never married and had no children, shows you the secret of long uneventful living. I was asked by the Gods did I want a short live filled with victory and triumph or a long life in obscurity? I asked if I could phone a friend, not having any friends I got the later, welcome to my obscure Blog.

Here is the latest update from the world of competitive dying, the reigning male champ Emiliano Mercado del Toro is dead aged 115, time for the next young pretender to step up, as I just did a post concerning this subject yesterday I now get to say Blogjinx!

If you haven't gotten into this exciting sport yet then click on my link to my previous post everyone ignored.

Wednesday, 24 January 2007


Blopper has been off for maintenance today as usual at the time I need to get my vastly important message out to the world and comment on the other arsehole's Blogs as that's the only time something funny is ever said there, c'mon you know its true.

Anyway, I could barely get this complaining post out. And as my last post said, you get what you pay for.

You Get What You Pay For.

I'm in love with Salma Hayek but she never returns my e-mails, nothing to do with the post I'm just proud to be a Hornivore.

Along with several Bloggers I also thought that Ernest Borgnine was dead. I found out not only is he not dead but he turns 90 today. Happy birthday, I will put you on my watch list for obituaries.

Fuck hes ugly, which is why I didn't put him at the top of the post.

The latest news in the world of competitive dying.

Julie Winnefred Bertrand, the oldest living woman in the world and oldest living Canadian, died on January 18. The 115-year-old from Quebec held the Guinness World Record as oldest living woman for just a few weeks, the pressure was just too much for her and she has been referred to by her rivals as "a flash in the bed pan".
The new title holder, Emma Tillman, born November 22, 1892 in Gibsonville, North Carolina, was one of 23 children born to emancipated slaves. Tillman had a moment of exuberance and lost the professionalism and dignity expected of someone of her position, much like when Nancy Pelosi was made speaker of the House of representatives and shouted about being the most powerful woman in America (Oprah sent her an e-mail saying I'll slap you down bitch) Tillman punched the air and shouted " in yer face whitey, who has the power now?" and did some body popping or whatever it is that they do.

Damn its hotting up, with so much at stake anything can happen, I will keep you up to date at least a week after its all over.

I was in a shop yesterday and the guy had the radio playing behind the counter, I recognised the tune but never new who sung it then I heard the lyrics.

Close yer eyes, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh .

I listened to make sure of it thinking I'll mention this song on me Blog. I am the worst for mishearing lyrics, my previous post with Don't cry for me Argentina (insert link to post here if I could be arsed) proves it. I did a search for the song and it turned out to be sung by Toto who had two over played songs that were hits in the 80's, the actual words are.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh

There was me thinking it was about unpredictable money shots but no, it was about phone sex of something.

"Hello Kieran my names Angel, I'm 22 and hot for academic types, what am I wearing? oh you naughty boy you just made my nipples pop up like corks, all I'm wearing is a G-string and baby oil made from freshly crushed babies and I'm rubbing it into my melon like boobies, Kieran? are you still there pet? oh you're done already? if you would like to talk to me again just request Angel".

To make a point for all those men out there with small willies, no names mentioned but they do have Blogs in my links. Size doesn't matter as weemen are doing more phone sex these days and the phones are getting smaller, I don't know what the attraction is with putting a phone up yer vadge unless it had vibrate or something but I never use someone elses phone, you just never know where they have had it.
Some dirty fuckers talk on the phone while sitting having a crap, ok I Blog while I'm having a Blog but that's different, you don't hear me grunting nor do you hear any splashes, maybe from now on I'll do a little ::::grunts::::: just to let you know what I'm up to:::pinches off::: just to give you a taste of my life, press Ctrl/Alt/Backspace/Enter to smell my life:::::splash::::::

Fecal matter flying about yer bathroom because you don't flush with the lid doon then you put yer phone to yer mouth and inhale yer own shit all day, go on use someone elses phone, if you're lucky its just been up some vadge.

I don't like to be pigeonholed or put into a jar, fuck off you grown up cunts, can ya spare a fag mate?

That's me off my subject ya bastards, I hope yer happy, well actually I don't, why should you get to be happy ? I didn't see you at the Alamo or Dunkirk, those Texans and British put up a hell of a fight, no thanks to you we got lucky.

Mondegreens, that's the name for misheard song lyrics. Another one I've been mis-singing for years is Neil Diamond's 'Forever in blue jeans', I would be going around belting out the words that I thought I knew and mumbling the rest, I'd give it some welly alright and I'd cap off the verses with 'Reverend Bluejeans hey!' well I thought it was about a trendy vicar that tries to be hip and cool by wearing jeans.

Remember what day tomorrow is folks, it maybe a ghey day but I'll be going around collecting tribute.

Monday, 22 January 2007

A Menace More Dangerous Than Pandas.

That will teach the fucker.

You can call it a Pizzly, Grolar, Grizzlar or Polar Grizz, the mating of a Polar bear and a grizzly bear. The interbreeding of these two animals has only been found in captivity but last April Jim Martell a hunter from Idaho saw a Pizzly on Banks Island in Northern Canada so he shot it. " I love animals, that's why I love to kill them", nature lover Martell went on to say," some day there won't be any wildlife so I'm getting out and enjoying shooting it now before it all becomes extinct".

At a distance the Pizzly looked like a dirty polar bear but close up he could see it had rings around its eyes and a humped back, "I suffer from erectile dysfunction but when I kill animals I'm pointing twice at them". Martell has been hunting since the age of 8 and has dozens of trophies (not real trophies stuffed animals) including not one but two 10 feet tall brown bears from Russia. A bitch to get through customs,"anything to declare?" "yes I have Gazelle in my carry on and a pocket Beaver".
He also has two Ibex from Kyrgyzstan and crotch rot from Thailand .
To celebrate one less, er I mean the only Pizzly in the wild gone he plans to have a beer party (gurls aren't invited, there will be rough hoosing) "It is just a beautiful animal" said Martell who owns a telephone company out of Glenns Ferry and operates an Idaho Elk ranch, his 14 day trip to Canada cost $45,450 but the erection is worth it.

An older Museum specimen with a Bruce Willis smirk, its either them or us.

One shot at 300 yards and the dreaded beast was dead. I salute you sir for saving the Eskimos and Canadians from this potential man eating monster (the French Canadians can go fuck) I only wish there were more Americans like you with guns in the world, no wait there are..................... oh shit.
Strange enough Martell has a wife, she has no taste in decor, a low sex drive and watches soaps all day so she doesn't mind a hoose full of dead animals as long as she gets her bon bons and laudanum .
Martell said," If I hadn't shot the Pizzly then no one would have known about it", he thinks he actually helped the biologists by showing it 'could' breed in the wild, could as in past tense.
God forbid that man shouldn't know anything.

I'm not worried about the green hoose effect the world has been going on for millions of years without our help, if it wipes mankind out then that's nature's way and I don't blame it, mankind is pretty shitty. Even the extinction of animals by man is nature as we are nature, its a shame but then so is a Tsunami killing children.
The Pizzly is nature's way of reacting to the disappearing ice, the Polar bears come south and adapt, the less adaptable in nature dies or becomes a Blogger.

Steve McQueen.

I'm sorry about the picture quality but its been sitting in my photo album for decades. I asked my mate Steve if I could take a picture of him. I felt a bit queer asking him while all he was wearing was a pair of short shorts, he must of picked up on my homo erotic vibes and answered " Soren" my first name, and no you cunts can't use it, only friends and people I like can call me by it. "Soren you can take the picture as long as you don't make me look ghey". So I took the picture and let history be the judge and for the record I think he looks as queer as a 3 pound note.

Sunday, 21 January 2007

Its Not The Bowl That I Want To Lick.

Continuing with the sensitive gurly man posts that have been going around here is another.

Either that wallpaper goes or I do.

I was having tea with a lady friend of mine the other day, a Mrs Nunn a widow 3 times over , very unlucky they weren't that old either and all three died of strokes. I came over to her bungalow to give her company and to eat her home baked cakes and buns, she'd like to take it further but she isn't my type, not into the drinking and womanising but she bakes great stuff so I hang around, I'm just careful not to mention any other weemen as she has some anger problems.

We were watching some god awful cooking show but she had made this gorgeous Zulu cake so I didn't mind too much, the cook was some fat middle aged bint with a posh plumy accent talking as if she needed to blow out her nose all the time.
Mrs Nunn really likes her food and doesn't so much have an hour glass figure as more like a 2 litre Fanta bottle figure started to gesture and spray her cake across the room as she said, "shes fat, that means shes a good cook, never mind those skinny tramps with the bosoms".

Mrs Nunn isn't much of a talker, but she excels at discussing things that no semi interesting person would ever put into a conversation, she talks about things like feeding her cat and rinsing out her empty milk bottles,spice racks and lamps you know like the click next Blog topics.

As she continued to talk about the cook and how she had short finger nails my brain checked out. I thought about what I wanted in a TV cook. I want a female, shapely and curvy still a bit of life left in her, hygiene in the kitchen isn't as important as low cut tops and her getting splattered by cream of sung yung guy and licking the spoons in slow motion.

Here is something I'd like to get my teeth into.

I like that Nigella Lawson gurl, but I suspect she wears several of those body shaper corsets under her clothes as she would be a fat cook if her agent would let her, she always looks ready to burst out of what she is wearing which wouldn't be that bad and does lick her lips in close up slow motion as a good cook should.I would not want to see Fanny Craddock lick her lips because she may have been a pioneer of British cooking but she totally looks like a man.

Was she a he? was Fanny Craddock some in joke? who cares? with a name like Fanny you must be a right cunt.

I think cooking shows should also cater to those that are interested in a ham shank as those who actually follow the recipes, instead of calling yer show '30 minute meals' you can call it ' 5 minute wank with food ' .
Well anyway I reengaged in conversation with Mrs Nunn as I was hiding a stiffy under a cushion from all that thinking I was doing, she was going on about the proper way to cut a cauliflower and what do you know, in no time my boner had gone, I hate waste but what can you do ?

Old Knudsen's Torture Rack.

Old Knudsen's Old Spice Rack.

If you look closely you might see nipple.

Old Knudsen's Spice Rack.

Don't Bother.

Hilary Clinton has announced that she will run in the 2008 presidential election. Sometimes I wonder what the Democrats are smoking, a woman has as much chance (especially this one) of becoming president as much as a black man named Barack Hussein Obama does. Here is Old Knudsen's no brainer prediction for 2008.

Even Ted Kennedy who killed Mary Jo Kopechne a former campaign worker in 1969 and who supports terrorists and is a catholic has a better chance .