Tuesday 12 December 2006

Lick My Freckle.


Australian Prime Minister John Howard has introduced new guidelines for immigrants who want to become Australian citizens.
One measure will be an English exam in which candidates are to give definitions of such words as.
Crook, Bush Telly, Dero, Franger, Sheila and Woofer.

They must prove their knowledge of local history and customs, for example complete the following sentences. ******* Australian for beer.
Dingoes stole my ****. Thunder from down ***** .

Was Steve Irwin killed by
A) Ray Charles
B) Sting
C) An angry fish.

They must know Australian laws like the legal amount of beer you must drink before you can get behind the wheel of a vehicle.

The most difficult test is to eat a spoonful of vegemite (feces like spread made from feces) without gagging.

If they pass the test they are put on 3 years probation during which time they must live like a typical Australian.

Foreplay is shouting the words "brace yourself".
Any children born during those 3 years must be named Bruce, no excuses.
You must wear unflattering khaki and tight short shorts, for men at least one nut must hang out, and for weemen Giblets are expected to be seen.
You must go to church at least 5 times a week, on failing that a pub will do.
Australians descended from convicts are held in high esteem, well they were all innocent anyway right ?
No hardship is too hard for an Aussie, if anyone complains they must be a whinging pom (British) and therefore mocked.
The Queen is different, "God Save The Queen".


Now lets all sing the Australian national anthem.

Neighbours
Everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding you can find the perfect blend

Neighbours
Should be there for one-another
That's when good neighbours become good friends

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

howard's a tosser an' if you agree with that then you're a true blu aussie.

told work i was crook yesterday. heh heh. this, as usual, was met with blank stares.

are they really the words to neighbours? i always thought it was '... find the perfect friend.' no wonder i got me no mates. can't find a perfect friend.

Old Knudsen said...

you can be my chum, of course this involves chopping you up and feeding you to the fish.

Anonymous said...

an' you can be my pal, which of course involves me mashing you up and feeding you to the dogs.
yay, we'll be the best of mates.

Old Knudsen said...

I'll give you this one, but if we meat again I shall kill you.

When I say kill I mean more like tenderize and marinate, don't ask what in.

Anonymous said...

Vegemite. Apparently one can't import it into this country anymore. I don't see what the harm is. It can't be worse than crack.

Anonymous said...

I hear Australia is on fire

Anonymous said...

ach, we'll meet again, old salty marinade - you tender thing, you.

me ask no questions, you tell no lies. now that's what this elusive mateship is all about. just ask little george-lovin' johnny howard.

Old Knudsen said...

sassy sundry I believe that story is one to be checked out on snopes, though I hear thats what they used to posion the Russian spy with.

Mr frobisher it always is which is why we sent the convicts there.

gaijin girl and I thought I was popular, yes Blooper is a cunt,I was going to change to beta then they took that option away before I could so i'm waiting for them to get their act together to properly comment again.

Foot Eater said...

I heard serial killer Dennis Nilsen was humming the Neighbours theme as he liquefied the lad from next door.

Old Knudsen said...

Maybe he was looking for the perfect blend, I hear you just spent some time in Suffolk.

Jagd Kunst said...

If all the true blue Aussies hate john Howard, why do they keep voting for the rat-toothed little golem? The only other option is Kim Beazley, and he just a fat warthog with a chessboard for a tie that he never changes.

Old Knudsen said...

What are ya talking about? I don't even think that Australia has politics, well not that I've heard of, all I know is that they are good for supplying soldiers everytime Britain gets into a war, good doggies, oh and for supplying Kylie for the war on Blue Balls.

Maven said...

Isn't that a Barbara Streisand song?

Neighbors...
Who need NEIGHBORS...
Are the happiest NEIGHBORS in the world...

Old Knudsen said...

Answers to the citizenship test
sick,campfire,tramp/hobo,condom,female and a dog.
Fosters, baby and under.
an angry fish.
no less than eight.

Old Knudsen said...

maven Neighbours is an Australian soap thats a cult in britain.
You may get death threats from that remark.

Anonymous said...

I know you think YouTube is shite.But,you must admit
this video of Australia's national sport IS
funny!

Old Knudsen said...

Its not 'just'that I think its shite, but I'm only 22 . I aged prematurely waiting for my dial up to upload them.

Jagd Kunst said...

22? you were practically born in the 21st century. Get some broadband.

Old Knudsen said...

I will get broadband, just as soon as my manwhore business takes off. Did I say I was 22 ? I'm sorry, I lie to make myself feel important, I was just saying that the other day to Richard Burton and George Formby as we shared a case of scotch aboard Elliot Gould's yacht .

Unknown said...

Yes, I was there. He does have a lovely yacht, doesn't he Darling? Good Sctoch, too! But, I am so jealous of your mate stalker. I never get any real action. Knudsen, don't ya miss being a keeler? I know I do. Nothing says love like piano wire in the morn.As I type this, that perv on the post prior keeps looking at me. I do believe we've dated, he's a real rough customer, likes to smack your arse a tad too hard during his all out gorilla warfare/sex. I swear I know him, dirty wanker!