Thursday, 30 November 2006

Party Animal.

I belang tae Glesga, dear old Glesga toon.

I'm suffering alright, I think I've come down with something maybe it was an off can of beer or something, I tried to lie doon but I got a case of the whirlypits . I did feel better after a boak which I refuse to clean up, don't worry in a week it will dry up and shrink and you'll hardly know it was even there, at times like this I miss having a woman around, or a dog, the only real difference between the two is that one out right refuses to lick my man parts and the other will do it if I rub gravy around me bits, I won't tell you which is which.

To celebrate Saint Andrew's day I went to a party, not one with music and gurls I mean how old do you think I am? me and Billy one ear went doon to Bobbie's hoose, Bobby is a daft cunt who was made redundant from the printing factory, he won't tell us how much he got but hes had a couple of holidays to Ibiza and got his hoose done up with stone cladding , not to mention a big TV and stereo system and as I also found out late one night that he had a new burglar alarm installed, the paranoid fucker, it scared 7 shades of shite out of me, I out ran Steve Cram, Steve Ovett and Steve fucking Austin that night.

He invited us doon saying that it was all on him no need to bring any drink, he thinks he can buy our friendship with free drink, well hes right we all have a price.
I got doon there and saw that Harry Carry and Butcher's boy Marky were there too, Bobby had 4 cases of Carlsberg lager and big plastic bottles of Woodpecker cider. I can't stand that cider shite but so that those others fuckers didn't drink it all I poured it half 'n' half with beer thus transforming it into a Snakebite, yes I am a Wizard.

Bobby played some Andy Stewart on the stereo just to show off the sound then we settled doon to watch Rob Roy with that Irish shite Liam Neeson in it (no offense to any Irish shites reading this) and then of course Braveheart.

Bobbie's wife Carol poured us bowls of crisps and salted nuts and then a tray of sausage rolls. A fine looking woman is that Carol, we had a thing a few years back, at first I felt bad about it for Bobbie's sake then I got to know him and as hes a twat I no longer feel bad , he sits up in his attic with his model train set all day and you can't let a woman like Carol go to waste, the other lads agree with me though I think shes seeing some bloke from Glasgow right now, I hope hes had his shots.

We cheered at the English getting killed and we cried when the beer ran out, we kept dropping hints to Bobby but hes a thick cunt going on about High definition and surround sound, when the movies were over and he saw we weren't going home so he thought he was going to be a cunnyfunt and pulled out the Sound of music DVD, I believe he thought we would leave rather than watch that shite, instead of leaving we turned on him.

Carol who was sitting in the kitchen hardly looked up from reading her Mills and Boons as we carried the squealing Bobby to the bathroom, she did however inform us what razors we could use and not to make a mess,(what a woman) I did the honours of the face and parts of the head and Harry shaved the Netherlands, silly bugger nicked his nut sack and got covered in blood. Marky who always carried a permanent marker with him incase he has the compulsion to write his name on something drew a pair of glasses on him and across Bobbie's face I wrote, 'The hills are alive' and gave him a Hitler moustache where is old one was a few minutes ago.

Bobby can't take a joke and when we were done he locked himself into the bathroom crying and trying to stem the bleeding from his baw bag, in case you were wondering his cock wasn't very big, and he had been circumcised, none of us knew he was Jewish ah well that will teach him for running out of drink oh and killing Jesus.

Taking some money out of Bobbie's wallet we went and had some Chinese, well I'm assuming we did because as soon as the air hit me I'm a blank I only have my vomit to tell me what I ate.
A good night all the same I feel well Scottish.


From Belgium I got some dirty shite searching for Hot midget sex, as my post had nothing to do with midgets and was cleverly designed to waste the time of perverts who aren't me, ha ha!

Wednesday, 29 November 2006

Alba Gu Bra!

Saint Andrew's Day

Saint Andrew, from the Greek name meaning 'manly' and rightly so, Andrew was a disciple of John the Baptist and the brother of Simon Peter and was born at Bethsaida in Galilee, we know this because his birth certificate was found with the Dead sea scrolls.
He was a busy saint and was also the saint of :::spits:::: Romania, Russia, Malta and Greece, the Greeks know how to treat their patron saint, those were the fuckers that crucified him on the crooked cross which went on to become the Scottish national flag, otherwise known as the Saltire, which in fact is the oldest national flag in Europe, so fuck yas all.

The Thistle, as prickly as I am and loved by thousands of people, just like me also.

Enough of all this Slav and Greek crap, no offense to those two dirty races but its 'my' day, Saint Andrew was a good Protestant just like Jesus, the reason he became the patron saint of Scotland was that he was chatting to St Paddy and he was telling him about the lovely cold and wet weather in Ireland and Scotland but he had his hands full with the Irish, a troublesome lot they are so St Andy said I'll head on over to Bonny Scotland (she was the travel agent) and I'll take a wee holiday in beautiful Alba, (Jessica Alba, I wish) well he went and enjoyed a few rounds of golf as he also the patron saint of golfing and the rest is true Scottish history, so have a wee dram to warm up yer bones followed by a chaser of 18 beers, go fondle a sheep and spit at something English, a muffin will do, for today if you don't want to be Scottish for a while you must be a slack jawed cunt.

Alba Gu Bra!

Blofeld Says.

"I don't expect an i-pod Mr Knudsen, I expect you to die. Told you Kim that these suits get all the pussy, and thanks for taking me out for Sushi the other night, laters".

You've Been A Bad Boy.

Look it says on the list Play station flee, I wan a flucking Play station flee.

Not content with being the World Police when it suits them America has become the World Santa.
President Bush assuming that everyone celebrates Christmas has decided to give North Korea a lump of coal for being a bad little boy .

Kim Jong Il , dictator and all round nice guy loves his gadgets, in fact the CIA has intercepted his very own letter to Santa.
A CIA spokesman said today,
" Using our considerable intelligence network throughout the world (The Internet) we managed to secure the article in question, a lot of good men were lost to get this but they are all highly trained and know to go to a police officer, cashier or a mother with children, we'll get them back".

Upon reading the list Bush then whipped up some trade sanctions on i-pods, plasma TVs, segway scooters, Harley Davidson motorcycles, cognac and cigarettes, Bush then laughed as American products are prized around the world and Kim will so be screwed this Christmas, even though Chinese products are cheaper and better and just down the road from Kim.

I pray for world peace, Mummy and Daddy to be happy, a big fluck off Palsma TV a Playstation flee and a flucking i-pod, who do I have to kill to get an i-pod round here?

I read this news article and thought, who believes this shit? no wonder people come to me for news, at least you can believe mine. Using the UN or rather abusing the UN like an ambulance chasing lawyer I'm sure Kim will really be affected.

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

Whinge,Minge,Binge These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things.

This is for the ladies in the hoose, do ya wanna catch my night fever?

Andraste you're the gurl, you make my sail unfurl,
you weigh my anchor though I'm a wanker,
and my poetry makes you hurl.

For those that haven't been reading me religiously everyday, fuck thanksgiving and your children's birthday, you're sick? excuses excuses, well ok you missed fuck all, I went on a history kick, I love history, its all about the past and thing, as the saying goes,'those that don't know history are stupid shites' or is it doomed to repeat it? no its 'spoils the broth'.
I'm a big believer in Karma, except the evil bad fuckers never get touched fast enough for my liking. God said to me, "Knudsen pride comes before a fall" and I said, "have you been drinking again? oh no, not another global flood its off home for you" .
Because I took glee in the destruction of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's marriage my sidebar got pushed down to the bottom of my blog.

I like looking at my own blog, I can sit and just admire it, so it bothered me when it happened, Andraste in her wisdom pointed me towards the pictures having pushed it down, it was on the right track but changing them didn't work, it was the excessive links I had in that foul baneful post,
so I banished the two of them to the past where they belong, fucking has beens, they now live in November 22nd, there they can rot and I can gaze at my blog, Thankyou oh wise one.

Tiahae asks
Dear old knudsen.
You are my favorite of all bloggers so i wanted to know - why is your face like that?

I welcome questions from my young firm fellow bloggers and I feel it my duty to educate them.
Years ago when I had full use of my legs and my bowels I was a Muff diver, I could go down for several minutes at a time getting the job done to my satisfaction, what really left a bad taste in my mouth was the rules and regulations that was enforced on the rough trade known as Muff diving, do this do that, well the older I got the less Muff came my way and I must admit I wasn't too strict about the quality of the bearded clams I went down for.

The great clam not for the weak.

Near the end of my Muff diving days I came upon what I thought was an urban legend, something to scare the young virgin soldiers. I found a bearded clam with teeth. It sucked me in and messed me up pretty bad, the smell that came from that stench trench of doom caused me to vomit which made the clam release it's death grip on my face , that's how I got away, in my dazed confusion I didn't even lift the £10.00 from the side table.
I sometimes smell the aroma in my sleep and wake up in a fevered panic and for some reason I always have a pube to pick from my teeth.

I hope that answers your question young lady.

The Approachable Old Knudsen.

I got this e-mail saying this ,"Dear Old Knudsen, as you are my favorite of all bloggers please can you tell me what is going on with your Blog ? " yours with lots of love A Shy reader.

Dear Shy reader, fuck you're a nosey wanker, you have yer head so far up my hole your hair is brown, by yer spelling of favourite I can see you're a yank, from the e-mail addy and bad punctuation I can see you're me pretending to be someone else, AHHHH! fuck my black outs and logical reasoning powers.
Well seeing that you asked, I got a shite meter so I can spy on my shites, the number is below par by 100 or so but I can add a much bigger fake number later, everyone else does it.
For some reason my sidebar has slipped, could be old age or Blooper messing with my head or I fucked it up as I know nothing about this computery shit.
I'm at well over 200 posts and am currently posting whatever shite I want in large amounts so when a College creates a course on Old Knudsen and what it really meant my message will get through.
Here is my message for you morons, I say fuck, I like Weemen and a bit of crack, do I have to explain 'crack' for the yanks? a laugh a joke a bit of fun, and I don't spell it the gheylick way.

Can You Fire 50 Rounds In A New York Minute?

" They were all just reading Bibles and loving God when Whitey shot them in a hail of bullets".

I was watching the BBC news, as you know the BBC is as accurate and truthful as the Bible and in no way subject to the wrong interpretation.
The story is set in New York where police officers opened fire and killed a young man on his Stag night, there were 3 guys in the car that twice rammed a police van driven by the groom to be, and the police fired 50 times.
The groom died the other two had 11 bullets and 3 bullets in them. The men were black so obviously they were shot because of their colour.
Black mouthpieces er sorry leaders are speaking out saying the usual helpful things like firing squad, while Police chiefs and politicians do damage control and try to find out what happened.
If I identified myself as a peeler pointed my gun and told someone to get out of the car and they rammed me, backed up and rammed me again well I wouldn't give a shit what colour they were or what they were thinking , I would shoot until they stopped moving.

The Strip club the men were at was under suspicion of prostitution, drug dealing and was being investigated as part of a city wide crack down on night club violence.
The Stag party had already caused some trouble earlier in the bar , anyway when you pile out of a strip club at 3 am on yer Stag night what kind of state would you be in? fit enough to drive?

There is a lot of shit about upsetting people with racial profiling, those people are numb nuts, if the Eskimos have a history of violence,crime, drugs and hanging around in shitty stripclubs hoping to bust a cap in someone's arse well keep an eye on the Eskimos, I'm white and have been stopped and searched by Police and Army and I didn't cry out "victim of discrimination", and why not? because I didn't have anything to hide, I don't like it or the airport security but its necessary.

Sean Bell (a nice Irish lad) and his girlfriend Paultre, why does he look angry?

Its unfortunate that the groom to be who finally got around to marrying his gurl leaves a 3 year old and a 5 month old behind, that's never good, but I really hate people harping on about him going to get married and being 23, what about driving home after a stag night, what does that say? c'mon people I'm willing to wager he was a hood, I won't let the police off that easily, 50 rounds and only one kill? I'm hoping they put several into the engine but really work on that grouping lads.

Freedom Sure, But A Little Common Sense.

For such an old country the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is always moving forward and trying to evolve, I think if England ,Scotland , Wales and Northern Ireland eventually split off and do their own thing it will still be a United Kingdom, more British than the Commonwealth because of the close quarters to each other and you'll always have Bitter Balls like me that wants independence but will still bow to the Queen. (not a Queen, the Queen) heres what some blah blah politicians have to say, the polls are showing that the people want to split.

Prime Minister Tony Blair -- " The reason I detest this narrow nationalism is not because it engenders fear, but because it squanders hope."

Chancellor Gordon Brown -- "There is a debate to be had about the future of the United Kingdom," he said."But I think when you look at the arguments, when you look at the family ties, the economic connections, the shared values, the history of our relationship which has lasted 300 years, people will decide we are stronger together and weaker apart."

SNP leader Alex Salmond -- "Scots were tired of being ruled from London.He added that English voters were "quite rightly" resentful of the influence of Scottish MPs in English affairs.

Tory leader David Cameron -- "The union between England, Scotland and Wales is good for us all and we are stronger together than we are apart."

Sir Menzies Campbell, the Lib Dem leader -- "Once devolution has bedded down in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland it would be entirely appropriate to consider the role of MPs from all three countries at Westminster".

George The Best.

George Best was one of the few success stories to come out of Northern Ireland, a footballer (soccer) of immense talent he played for both Northern Ireland and Manchester Untied.

Success came with wealth, weemen and excessive amounts of alcohol, that ended up destroying his life, a career alcoholic he even got a liver transplant and just when we all thought he was a weak quitter he showed us that he never gave up and continued to drink himself to death, what a guy.

To mark the first anniversary of his death the Ulster bank has produced a limited amount of £5.00 notes dedicated to him, they will only cost £5.00 but no doubt will be sold at auction or on E-bay for the unsentimental out there. The bank has made a donation to the George Best Foundation to support the promotion of cross-community contact through participation in football, that means getting Protestant and Catholic kids together and playing football to show them that the other side are just people like them.

Monday, 27 November 2006

My Ginger Goddess.

With yer big strong arms and yer ginger hair,
I see yer nips stick out and all I do is stare,
You lift 40 tons of dirt in a sweaty sticky shirt,
out of Alan and Tommy you have the only blurt,
You are a woman of nature, a special kind of creature,
let me piss on yer face and I'll be yer water feature,
Plant my tree and my roots will spread,
if you've got the money then I'm willing ta wed.

Charlie Dimmock, TV gardener from the show groundforce, a hard working lass with nipples of steel.

Sunday, 26 November 2006

I Get The Children, You Can Have Wales.

Fergie, seconds before she ate these dogs.

I remember the time when you could only leave the royal family through death, it was like the Mafia or the CIA, this did cause Henry the 8th no end of trouble as his troublesome wives would not die off quick enough (we've all had that trouble) which is why it usually ended up with trumped up accusations and a beheading, it was always about a male heir for that bloke, kicking out the pope and starting up his own religion that makes him a L Ron Hubbard/Ian Paisley Tudor style.

This post is a rambling report about royal divorce and anything else that wades through my stream of consciousness and is done out of love and respect for the Royals who even though are inbreed ,snobby ,elitist, nazi, German ,parasites are a much needed part of British culture and as I have taken an oath* to be faithful and bear true allegiance and I will, as in duty bound, honestly and faithfully defend His Majesty, his Heirs and Successors, in person, Crown and dignity against all enemies, and will observe and obey all orders of his Majesty, his Heirs and Successors, and of the Generals and Officers set over me. So help me God*, I will have to kill anyone anti-royal, nothing personal.

Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha and granddaughter to Queen Victoria fancied her first cousin grand Duke Kyril Vladimirovich, but because he was Russian Orthodox which had silly rules against two first cousins marrying Queen Victoria forbide it and fixed her up with a different cousin Prince Ernst Ludwig of Hesse.

Princess Victoria and Prince Ernst, doesn't she have the same kind of face as Elizabeth II when young?

Queen Victoria was one of histories great meddling schemers, she managed to get most of the great European Royal houses all related to her, in fact World War I was just a great big family feud.
Princess Victoria and Prince Ernst had a loveless marriage which produced two children that died young. Victoria still had a thing for Kyril who she saw at royal functions so taking a leaf out of Henry 8th's book she claimed her husband was homosexual and that she had caught him in bed with a male servant.
Divorce then was a big scandal, soon Victoria and Kyril ended up married. When the dirty Bolsheviks killed the Russian royal family the kissing cousins fled to Finland and then Germany, where of course Victoria got interested in the Nazi party.(all those royals do)The English Royal family being a bunch of Germans changed the name of their royal house from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to the current Windsor in 1917 during World War I so the British People would see them as British and not German like the enemy.

Prince Edward of York, Duke of Rothesay, Prince of Wales, Duke of Earl and Lord of the Dance Settee. He served briefly in the trenches then went on a tour of the Empire gaining almost movie star status around the world and even having the big silly looking knot on his tie made famous with the name 'The Windsor knot'. He loved the ladies, mainly married ones, even when he was having a relationship with the married American woman Mrs Simpson he was still shagging lady Furness on the side.
Edward Duke of Windsor and Mrs Simpson, I left the throne for you and you no longer put out.

MI5 kept tabs on the the Prince and Mrs Simpson for the government.
King George V died in Jan 1936 and Edward became king the next day.
Mrs Simpson got a divorce but as they would not be allowed to marry by the government and the church of England (ironic as that was Henry the 8ths church and formed for the purpose of a royal divorce) Edward abdicated the English throne in Dec 1936 and the day after that abdicated as King of Ireland.
Not allowed to live in England the couple were exiled to France where they became good friends with Hitler, so the British government banished er installed Edward the Duke of Windsor to be governor of the Bahamas until the war was over, when the couple visited Florida the FBI did a covert surveillance operation on them, its even been suggested that Edward leaked secrets leading to the disaster at the Battle of Dunkirk.
( like the Alamo the people would shout "remember Dunkirk! it was a big deal at the time)
The Duke and Duchess ended up living a life of ease in Neuilly near Paris.

Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips, well he was actually a lieutenant but marrying a Princess gets you a promotion.

Princess Anne (with more horse DNA than human) married an army officer named Mark Phillips in 1973. In 1974 she was almost kidnapped by a nutcase called Ian Ball, he blocked the road using his handy dandy Ford Escort and shot her detective and chauffeur that both tried to disarm him then a passing journalist had a go and was shot, Ball told Anne to get out of the car and she said "not bloody likely", at that time another passerby punched Ball on the back of the head and got her to safety, a policeman tried to arrest Ball and also got shot, another peeler gave chase and got him, everyone that got shot lived and got medals, Ball was going to ransom her for 2 or 3 million (big money in those days) and was going to give it to the NHS, he must have been nuts. This has nothing to do with divorce but I like the story so fuck off.
They got divorced in 1992 and Anne remarried the same year,(makes you think huh?) she got married in the church of Scotland as the church of England are little bitches .

Charles and Diana, a more perfect couple you could never hope to find.

Charles and Diana being the most famous for the current generations. Charle's great-uncle Lord Mountbatten of Burma who was blown up by the IRA in 1979 had always told Charles to marry a young protestant virgin who would look up to him, lady Diana Spencer was perfect, and they make a couple as cringe worthy as Tom and Katie in the What the fuck? category.
They married in 1981 and it was lovely, I still have a cup with their faces on it knocking about here somewhere. The divorce was finalised in 1996, and I'm not even going to mention how the fucking hippies killed sweet Di in France, her and the Arab were just friends, got it?
Charles went on to have sex with Dragon ladies and in 2005 married one.
Charles will only be king when Elizabeth II dies and by then he'll be a really old geezer and will anyone care?

Whose skirt would you rather see up? and who would have the biggest penis?

The last and the most sad of the Royal marriages/divorces was in 1986 with Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, during their separation the British Tabloids tore her apart for toe sucking and being fat, their divorce was finalised in 1996. She went on to write books on a helicopter named Budgie and to promote weight watchers, she did the old charity shit thing so the press can't say boo about you because you're a fucking saint.
She posed naked with some jewels and a pair of Jimmy choo shoes in a book for an aids charity even though the Sun newspaper put out a petition begging her to 'keep em on', she has since got a
crystal methamphetamine addiction and joined the group called 'The black Eyed peas' and sings in a most undignified way about her lady lumps, using her name 'The Duchess' to sell records (as the young people call them) she shakes her booty wearing crotchless trousers dousing the first two rows of the audience with golden showers, disgraceful, and if anyone has any spare tickets e-mail me.

Fergie and her lady lumps.

* this is taken from the oath of Attestation that is said by all those entering the British armed forces*

A Hat Trick.

Robert Redford, Actor, director and all round inspiration to brad Pitt.
Jack Jones, lounge lizard, not that you young uns will know him of course.
Bill Clinton, ex sucked off President on the edge that didn't lie under oath as his toes were crossed.

I don't explain it I just present the facts, but some horny shite had a bicycle back in the day.

I'm On To Yous.

Ok which one of you fuckers stole my shite meter? I thought oh its just Blogger messing around with ma head again but no its still not there, so I'm gonna turn my back and who ever nicked it had better return it, I have a few ideas who it was, maybe it was one of those smug cunts on Bloglines, I know you're out there I can hear you breathing. Nope still not back yet, I can wait all day, I'll be off doing other stuff but I'll still be waiting.

I Am The Music Nerd I Come From Down Yer Way.

Dr Dick Helmer, creator of the music shirt.

Australian Scientists working for the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation or CSIRO have cured cancer and solved world hunger, er no wait I got that confused with the wishes of the miss world contestants, the Australian blokes have done better, they have created a shirt that has intelligent textiles woven into it and can communicate with computers to make music when the wearer plays air guitar, excellent, not only will the heavy metal dirt heads look like mongs when they play back in black with their eyes closed and that pained expression on their faces but they will also sound like it too when it sounds nothing like it.

CSIRO have said how this wearable instrument will be able to help people recover after accidents by teaching them how to bend and walk again, and with these clothes patients in other countries can get examined by specialists.
You can work a computer without ever touching a mouse or a keyboard and play computer games, or learn how to play golf or tennis.

Helping mankind in general, CSIRO have patented it and are looking into how to make an ass load of money out of it but it won't be ready this Christmas.
Do people that play video games want to jump about like their on screen characters or do they just want to sit and wiggle their thumbs for 12 hours? I just don't want to be having a ham shank over some Interweb hottie that wants to do nasty things to me for £29.99 a month only to find out I just e-mailed my wank to a 15 year old gurl in Russia who gets pregnant so now I'm a Pedo Slavicator with a little baby on the way, all bad, maybe they'll make a pair of intelligent gunties that say "you got skids" when you need to change them because on the darker coloured ones you just can never tell.

Saturday, 25 November 2006

While There Is George There Is Hope.

The doggie is not actually the most ugly little fucker there is, its just that George is so good looking he makes it look that way.

George Clooney is a star. Very few modern day actors can measure up to and have the same kind of generosity and charisma that he has. He has avoided the stigma of bitter divorces by just shagging all round him and dumping them when they talk about changing the leopard skin print bed sheets and getting rid of the mirrors in his bedroom (Old Knudsen's bedroom is similar) he is funny, intelligent and cares for the Africans, he has gone to the politicians and put his point across, unlike Ben Affleck and his political agenda George was actually taken seriously.
I could put up pictures of bad haircuts of the past or mention Ocean's 12, Batman or Solaris but no, as an actor/movie star he has done more good than harm, and if you don't like George then you must be ghey.

George having a checkup to encourage other men to look after their health, God bless you George.

So Its 'That' Kind Of Family.

This is for The Swearing Lady who suggested I was a pervert. I was hurt and distraught at the thought of others having the wrong idea about me so I'll post family pictures to show how devoted I am to my family, surely I can't be that bad then.
Here is a picture I took of my niece who was starting at a new school, she just loved those lockers, you should see the ones I took of her checking out the changing room showers.


Aleister Crowley, or as his mother called him 'The Beast', a very nice woman always ready with a cup of tea and a scone.

In November of 98 I got mixed up with some real dodgy people, I joined what I thought was a Masonic lodge, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was the Masons, it turned out to be something called the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, I don't expect any of you to have heard of it, I caught the eye of a young man named Aleister Crowley who soon went on to call himself Count Vladimir and I took the moniker Jimmy the Hoover, well it was more of a stage name for my singing career that so nearly took off.
The order was about boring old Abra-Melin magic and dispatching elementals to kill your enemy but the chicks went nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second wife, no wait that was actually Crowley's second wife, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use me for sex " , now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? no, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his theres none of that cuddlin shite going on, I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning, don't think I'm a playa, (I'm no dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what the ladies like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?

Back to what I was almost talking about, Crowley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took , me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide Chief Eagle Droppings told me to stop banging Crowley's wife my other Spirit guide Chief Chav Thumper told me to give her a last seeing to as the poor gurl would miss me, I'm a sucker for a sob story, my other Spirit guide All Hail The Chief said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?

I've noticed an occurrence, a tremor in the farce if you will, I will mention something in a post or a comment and within a day or so someone half a world away some one will experience something connected to what I wrote about , not casual everyday things but things like Wookies, Donegal , Jamiroquai and how Protestant terrorists are shite at killing, or have you written a post and on a blog you've never seen before you see the current post is the same not at the moment subject that you just wrote about , so you quickly check the date and time of publishing read it through and go," huh, it was funnier when I wrote it two hours before you" , or "you bastard, your post is funnier, why didn't I think of that" then you race back to your blog to take it down, or to add to it and change the date and time , oh I've never done that by the way, and I respect my readers far to much to ever lie to them.
Ok the skeptical amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a German will do an Interweb search for some dirty words, so if you are a dirtry old man that gets his jollies off by being rude the chances are you'll get a hit from a German (why are the Jerrys such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone, it had nothing to do with my story its just a hobby of mine to waste a wanker's time and then tell them off.

I believe everything happens for a reason and its not my fault that half of yous are too stupid to see it, its the big big plan, keep looking and you'll see order in chaos, I have given that chaos a name and it is 'Blogjinx' as every Grand Wizard knows you have a -/+ 2 weeks for a Blogjinx to happen and so many are happening but you just might not notice them so pay attention.

Just so you know I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.

Friday, 24 November 2006

Something For The Weekend?

Kav and his constructive criticism pointed out that in my 'Russians love their children too' post I had left out the all important Russian female, so having already catered to the females with pictures of Putin and Brezhnev here is a tribute to the fine Soviet woman. For more Russki weemen who are gagging for man with a credit card and low IQ go to Richard's blog, that cunt has weemen throwing themselves at him.

The Intellectual.
Forget your Playstation 3's this is what all the Russian young people are into, a quick 4 hour session of chess and then off to the local club for a bit of moshing to some Tchaikovsky.

In Uniform.
A woman of all seasons, she can gut yer enemy quickly and silently, make you some Beefstroganoff, ply you with strong vodka then pin you down and force you to have sex with her, I think I'm in love.

The athlete.
The Russian athlete, a fine figure of feminine beauty, can compete as a woman or a man and can probably have sex as either too.

Weemen of Russia, we here at Old Bitter Balls salute you all.

Michael Stone You Tosser.

Looks like hes about to cry, don't worry you can go back to being prison gay again.

The stupidity of terrorists amazes me, this person Michael Stone who has already served over 10 years for killing 3 men while they attended IRA funerals in 1988 rushed into the Stormount government building with a handgun, knife and a suspect device, he was disarmed and the attempt was described as fairly amateurish, HA HA, 6 to 8 other explosive devices were found around the building, all defused.
I met Stone when he was released from prison in 2000, thanks to a concession for peace Blair made that released all political prisoners (terrorists) when I say I met Stone, I actually met his girlfriend, he sat in the car as he was afraid for his life and got his girlfriend to do any talking .

See what an amateur you are? even the old guy thats disarming you has time to smile for the camera.

Was it not just a day ago that I said those terrorist prisoners should have been hung and not released? why does no one listen to me? anyway Mr Stone, you are a total fuckwit and give those who are Bitter Balls a bad name, you eejit.

Into the Gallery of Wankers for you, at least this time unlike in 1988 you don't have a Mullet.

Even Russians Love Their Children Too.

"Have your parents ever complained about my leadership?" "you're hurting my hand mister".

Russia is a big cold winter wonderland of a place, the people are now free from the evil grasp of Communism and can now stand in lines, smoke strong cigarettes and drink vodka.
A people of humour they use too many letters in their words, and speak backwards and tell jokes like this.

What do you call one Russian? --A drunk. What do you call two Russians? --A fight. What do you call three Russians? --The junior sub-committee of the 3rd Party Secretariat of the 8th District ...

Recently there was a poisoning and eventually the killing(not before the world found out ) of a former FSB agent (the successor to the KGB) in a sushi bar in Piccadilly, you know I've had sushi, I threw it back at them and said,"this fish is raw, are you trying to poison me?" well this ex agent Alexander Litvinenko is blaming President Putin because Litvinenko wrote a tell all book, not a very good review .
It has also been suggested that Putin is connected with the murder of journalist Anna Politkovskaya.

The Russians are shite at assassination killings, even worse than the Protestant paramilitaries of Northern Ireland and they suck the sweat of a dead dog's bollocks (which means they are quite bad)
Do ya remember that time when the mystic Grigori Rasputin was killed? c'mon you must, it was in all the papers, well having had too much influence on the wife of the Tsar and thus Tsar Nicholas II himself, Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich and the cross dressing Prince Felix Yussupov did the old lets poison Rasputin trick, but with the Russians being the worse keelers in the world that didn't work, so they shot him several times, Rasputin cried out "ouch! that last one hurt a bit" they got serious and started beating him, Rasputin getting bored showed them how to punch like a man so they would stop all that girly rabbit punching they were doing, in the end Rasputin had to help them beat himself up, he landed himself a nice wee upper cut and fell into a nearby river and drowned.

Have you accepted L Ron Hubbard as your personal savior? Rasputin the mad monk, well so would you be if you were shot beat up and drown.

The name Rasputin comes from Yusupov dialect which was the area where Rasputin was from, it means 'dog wanker' which was the trade of the Rasputin family as jizz from the Borzoi, or Russian Wolfhound was sold to the Chinese as an aphrodisiac.
The Current President Vladimir Putin dropped the Ras from his name as to not get the negative connotations from the old mystic, so Putin is just a wanker.

Viktor Yushchenko of the Ukraine is an ugly fucker due to yet another botched poison attempt , the whole world knows about it so they should might as well have stuck to using ice picks, you don't see Trotsky walking around with an orange scarf.

Pretending there are no hard feelings though Yushchenko is going for the passive agressive upper hand by grabbing Putin's arm, but whats with the plastic suit?

Never mind John Lennon , Joseph Stalin or Ringo fucking Starr my favourite Russian leader was Leonid Brezhnev, he was a Ukrainian steel worker that ruled Russian from 1964 - 1982, he was the definitive Russki
leader. Copied in so many movies because he looks the part, no big Village People biker moustache and no mess on his head that looked like purple bird shit.

Best Russian leader ever! he could also be mistaken for an older woman too. He may have ruled until 1982 but he actually died in 1981, lookalikes strings and pulleys kept the myth going, a bit like Pope John Paul II who was pure animatronics towards the end.

In 1989 Mikhail Gorbachev had Glasnost which means openness, he broke the Soviet Union, much like what bush is doing with America, then Boris Yeltsin or B.O. the Yeti as I used to call him (smelly fucker never washed) had his heart bypass, drinking a lot and money laundering, then resigning opening the door for his VP to take over, young Vladimir Wanker.

Putin likes to think hes a hard man, a small wee shite that walks about with a swagger, former head of the KGB and expert in Judo, which is a ghey form of Karate meets grab ass. What stupid fucking country puts the head of a secret police torturing spy service at it's head? a country that has no choice that's what, er hold on a minute was Bush Sr not the head of the American KGB? you may know them as CIA.

Don't fuck with me or I will come out of the 70's , pin you down with my judo and touch you up.

Putin is tough when it comes to collateral damage, ask the Russian submariners or anyone that's been in a hostage situation .After the Beslan school hostage crisis of 2004 he was asked why he didn't talk to the Chechen Separatists, he replied with " would you invite Osama Bin Laden to the Whitehouse to talk?" I'd say yes Mr Putin as that would be the only chance of finding the twat, the chicken shit has not answered my challenges of a duel .

Putin talks the talk :"Russia doesn't negotiate with terrorists, Russia destroys them".

Someday all this will be ours.

Nice dress, so hows the oppressing going?

I leave you with more fine examples or the Russian wit.

What do you call one Jew? --A financial center. What do you call two Jews? --The World Chess Championship. What do you call three Jews? --Native Russian Folk Instrument Ensemble.

As sponsored By mel Gibsonski.

What do you call one Ukrainian? --A partisan. What do you call two Ukrainians? --A partisan cell. What do you call three Ukrainians? --A partisan cell with a traitor in their midst.

"And you're sure this doesn't make me look silly Georgie? " "well I don't look silly now do I?"

Thursday, 23 November 2006

Going To The Chapel And We're Gonna Get Married.

The happy couple.

The 24th November 2006 is the all important deadline for Northern Ireland to see if the Protestant Democratic Unionist party (DUP) can play nicely with the Catholic Nationalists (Sinn Fein) and visa versa.
Tony Blair is getting into the negotiations to see who would become the first and deputy ministers of the new joint government.I had my doubts and fears about Blair and his ways when he closed the Maze prison releasing all of those that should have all been hanged in my opinion, (a waste of good air the lot of them) and disbanded the Royal Ulster Constabulary (police to you foreigners) and formed the limp as the Guarda, PSNI nothing to do with the Playstations its the Police service of Northern Ireland.
I now think that Blair better than anyone is the man to bring peace to Northern Ireland and I will be sorry to see him go.

Ian Paisley though being Gods representative here on Earth is an old dinosaur that is so inflexible he only agreed to something different once and that was because he misunderstood the question, he shouldn't be in charge of anything, as a Presbyterian myself I see him and his Free Presbyterians as fanatical trouble making zealots and if I'm saying that you know its bad.

Gerry Adams and his Igor Martin McGuinness are scum of the first order, if they are talking they are lying, if they are silent they are waiting for the IRA to do something for them to deny, is this all Northern Ireland has? I say break both parties and put me incharge.

Paisley's fellow Free Presbyterians are not happy with any kind of connection with the terrorist loving nationalists (their own Protestant terrorists are ok) Paisley being a man of wise words when asked about his disgruntled people said" I have nothing to say to you".

Ulster Unionist leader Sir Reg Empey and Mr Burns look alike said "I think whatever is going to happen it is going to be very limited. It is still very unclear", then after being goaded by the press rubbed his hands and said "excellent"

Wednesday, 22 November 2006

The Pilgrim Fathers (its a man's world baby)

A very typical American Thanksgiving dinner, see how she presents the offering to the master of the house, as with the feast of 1621 the best food is given to the most important people.

While in Britain the time after Halloween means the run up to Christmas, already Santas in Shopping centres are proclaiming "whore whore whore" or maybe it was ho, either way the big man's fondness for slappers has been noted. However in America the embrace of a fat European man who likes to empty his bag with the help of your very own children is hampered by something called Thanksgiving day, copied from the little known celebration in Britain called the Harvest festival this was a time to give thanks to Mother Nature for the crop yield or later on to God who now takes the credit for everything.

Americans just after Halloween start to drool from the corners of their mouths thinking about all the foul, er I mean the lovely food they will consume in large quantities. Traditionally the weemen slave over a hot stove for hours catering for family and friends while the men entertain the other males in the parlour with cigars and Cognac. The meal is eaten and leftovers are to be served for up to a week after to symbolise the first feast in 1621 that lasted for 3 days. After the food while the weemen are banished again to the kitchen for the ritual packing away and cleaning up of the dishes the men with a beer in one hand and the other hand down their trousers scratch themselves, fart, belch and yell at the TV while watching a Ghey form of Rugby in which the players wear so much padding so they don't get hurt, American Football as we call it, the Americans incorrectly refer to it as Football though feet are mostly only used for running with, a strange people the Yanks.

In 1621 the pilgrims who would of died out (no great loss) except for the help of the local Wampanoag Indians had a 3 day feast and invited about 90 of the Injuns to join in, and taking advantage of the natives generosity and naivety within 70 years the Indians had gone from a population of 12,000 to 400, Columbus would have been proud, he also saw politeness and hospitality as weakness to be exploited.

A sad Indian, go on invite a savage round for Turkey, just hide the fire water.

Abraham Lincoln in 1863 declared the Thanksgiving feast to be held on the last Thursday in November.
Franklin D Roosevelt who knew better changed it to the 4th Thursday.
In 1970 the Native American organisation declared Thanksgiving to be a National day of mourning, those Sad Sacks, cheer up Johnny red fellow its nearly Christmas, joy to the world and all that.

I don't know that much about American football except its ghey but should the Cowboys not play the Redskins every year for tradition's sake? or is there a team called the Pilgrims? well have a good dinner .

The Pilgrims' Menu

Foods That May Have Been on the Menu

Seafood: Cod, Eel, Clams, Lobster
Wild Fowl: Wild Turkey, Goose, Duck, Crane, Swan, Partridge,Eagles,
Meat: Venison, SealGrain: Wheat Flour, Indian Corn
Vegetables: Pumpkin, Peas, Beans, Onions, Lettuce, Radishes, Carrots
Fruit: Plums, GrapesNuts: Walnuts, Chestnuts, Acorns
Herbs and Seasonings: Olive Oil, Liverwort, Leeks, Dried Currants, Parsnips

What Was Not on the MenuSurprisingly, the following foods, all considered staples of the modern Thanksgiving meal, didn't appear on the pilgrims's first feast table:

Ham: There is no evidence that the colonists had butchered a pig by this time, though they had brought pigs with them from England.
Sweet Potatoes/Potatoes: These were not common.
Corn on the Cob: Corn was kept dried out at this time of year.
Cranberry Sauce: The colonists had cranberries but no sugar at this time.
Pumpkin Pie: It's not a recipe that exists at this point, though the pilgrims had recipes for stewed pumpkin.
Chicken/Eggs: We know that the colonists brought hens with them from England, but it's unknown how many they had left at this point or whether the hens were still laying.
Milk: No cows had been aboard the Mayflower, though it's possible that the colonists used goat milk to make cheese.

Source: Kathleen Curtin, Food Historian at Plimoth Plantation.

A Prelude To Thanksgiving

To get non Yanks into the spirit of Thanksgiving as well, even though it is based on a British celebration. We all have stuff to be thankful for, such as my words of wisdom, me not knowing your home address and spell check, I am sooo thunkfill for spellcheck, now if only the spellcheck didn't drink so much.

Stay tuned for Old Knudsen's great Thanksgiving post. When I say great I mean not as good as the ones I read here and here but it does the job.

Not A Shite Film.

Are you trying to give up the Devil's Dandruff or has your dealer cut you off? or are you just a Billy no mates? well go and rent out an old film (if you can find it)

The Hasty Heart, 1949, staring Ronald Reagan as Yank, Richard Todd as Cpl Lachlan 'Lachie' MacLachlin.

A nice film, no explosions or car chases, I highly recommend it to anyone, well not Sammy as there is no CGI. I can't stand Reagan's bad acting but hes ok in this, one of the few films that brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.

Read about here if you wish.