Tuesday, 31 October 2006

There Is No 'I' In Nerd, But There Is In Meat Pie.

Just over 20 years ago I got into these things called comic books, I had 2 subscriptions, for Warrior and 2000AD , now and then I'd buy one that had DareDevil on the front and Captain Britain on the back, who the Hell has heard of Captain Britain? he finally got his own magazine so I subscribed to that and broke up with DareDevil .I sometimes got the odd Marvel mag for the X-men but the quality wasn't very good, can you not colour inside the lines ya tards? towards the end of my Captain Britain subscription Fuckvel er I mean Marvel bought it out, I eagerly waited to see what would happen and then I received a cheque for £5.00, I'd rather have the comic but it was the coolest cheque I had ever seen, full of the famous Marvel superheroes, I put it in a frame and hung it on my wall, fuck off, I'm Scottish, I cashed that bastard as soon as I could, now don't no smart arse go telling me that some Trekkie would of bought it off me for £10.00 if I had of kept it.
Marvel did their usual hack job, having been used to quality I now got shite and so I lost touch with the Captain, we send cards at Christmas but are now just strangers.

Captain Britain

Speaking of Quality, in the three comics I got, Alan Moore (pictured above) and Alan Davis did some Art and Writing, those guys are my heroes, not on the same level as Winston Churchill or Jack Palance but still on the list. I'd forgotten all about Warrior until they were making that V for Vendetta film, that came from Warrior.

Where are all the pensioner SuperHeroes? now don't give me that crap about low sales and a target audience, the SuperHeroes haven't got older, they've got younger, they call them 'ultimate' and the art is crap, a teen soap opera, and also the Teen Titans, no offense to any young dumb and full of cum Teenagers out there but Teens are as thick as pig shit, they can't stop themselves from getting erections never mind stopping an evil villain, they would face a tiny bit of adversity and say, "that's not fair" as they fly off in a sulk.
Heres what I said to Super Mall Girl.
"With great power comes great responsibility", she sighed rolled her eyes and said, "like whatever".


I had a little trouble with the link for the X- men, hopefully it won't disappoint and if I hear anyone say," whats an old Scotsman doing reading comics shouldn't you be out crofting sheep?" why I'll beat you to death with my wooden leg. I also read the Dandy and the Beano but to be honest they were quite lame.

A Waste Of Your Time But You're Here Anyway.

Mother: And so Scaggity Ann and Peter Pickled Pecker walked in on Humpty who was beating his egg white.

Little Girl: Mommy?

Mother: Yes dear?

Little Girl: Why did Daddy have to die?

Mother: Because he knew too much dear.

Monday, 30 October 2006

Rambo's Rimjob Roid Rage.

No big surprise here Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe , have split up. After she got that Oscar for playing June Carter in 'Walk the line' the writing was on the wall, did you see Phillippe at the ceremony? he was one step away from being a belligerent drunk, now I might now and then drunkenly post stuff that I thought was funny but really isn't or e-mail scans of my willy to former readers of my blog, and I did say I was sorry, you missed a great lemur story,please come back, fuck I hate lemurs, don't get me started, I am worried that several of you that got the same scans still read this blog.

Well its one thing to embarrass yourself on the Interweb but to do it on TV at an Oscar ceremony which your wife is a cert to win, wise up man, I never liked Phillippe, he has that conceited smarmy way about him,and I'm usually good at picking the wrong uns, yes I'm keeping my eye on you lot.

Reese (you see I'm using her first name but not his) is a spunky wee thing and a little annoying though I don't dislike her too much, oh, they both have knobbly foreheads, I don't know what that means, maybe they keep butting heads alot.
I'm a traditional kind of man and think they should have changed the name phillippe and both used the one name, no not witherspoon, a proper name like bumblebottom, oh I don't know, keeping your own names seems like you're only half into the whole marriage thing, if you're any kind of a star you can call yourself 'meat and two veg' and still get the roles.
Phillippe doesn't strike me as someone who could be secure with his wife's success, I bet he shouts and sulks a lot, hes got his big film coming out soon but he isn't star material .

I just for the record want to say that I liked Johnny Cash when he was known as John Pocket Change, and ever since he died everyone has claimed him as their greatest musical influence, like they did with Ray Charles, like this one," yeah Johnny Cash was what made me want to be a musician, that song 'pretty woman' was the best power ballad of all time" ---------- Vince Neil, Motley Crue.

Ok, that very last bit wasn't true, its called lying no I mean poetic licence, its Halloween today or Samwise as the Pagans call it and I do intend on seeing a lot of spirits today so if you get a scan of a crusty old minger of a penis, that would be my very own pride and joy and today I'll be using it to scare some children with, I hope someone toilet papers my house tonight because I've run out of toilet paper,and theres no more space on my bath towels and clean socks, if the neighbours cat comes round hes next, that will teach him for spraying my wheelie bin, now theres a horror story for you to tell the kids.

As for the title, its a tongue twister.

Halloween Is Coming

Its nearly Halloween again, thankfully the annoying American virus of Trick or Treat
is only reenacted in the nice neighbourhoods, yes lets teach our kids about the sense of entitlement nice and early so they can be suitably outraged when they see what the world is really like and how useless they are when the Levies break.

In Britain the kids go to the least amount of trouble possible but not for sweets, how childish is that? they do it for money so they can buy smokes.
With one kid wearing a cheap false face on and the rest with hoods pulled up over their faces they knock on doors, if you are silly enough to open it you'll hear a monotone chant like this, "halloween is coming the Goose is getting fat (about this time I slam the door shut annoyed about having been bothered) please put a penny in the old man's hat (there is never a hat) if you haven't got a penny a half penny will do if you haven't got a half penny God bless you".

If you give them a penny they may put your windows in as they expect a bit more, half penny pronouced 'hapenny' hasn't been in circulation for years, but the kids do try it on as there may be some dopey cunt too polite to slam the door on scumy street kids on the scrounge.
I read on the Interweb about some Christian that doesn't celebrate Halloween because its a Pagan celebration but he does turn the other cheek in order to take his little son out trick or treating, its free sweets fuck your beliefs this is serious, now he makes his kid say this little rhyme ------- at Halloween.

"Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, Jesus made a promise he is coming back".
For the hypocrisy alone I just want to kick the two of them in the balls, it would be a valuable lesson to the boy, "your father is a moron and you'll end up the same if you listen to him", I had a mate that said he was coming over the last week and didn't bother his arse, I'm not going to wait 2000 years for the fucker, I'm not that dumb, yeah and he never called either, what does that tell you about him? my friend not Jesus, I'm sure Jesus is on his way, stuck in traffic no signal on his cell, yeah that's it.

Toffee apples, nuts and the same old slasher films on the TV that's British Halloween, my grandson Gavin is seeing this Wiccan gurl called Julie er sorry Saffirebluemoon, on a witches sabbath her coven goes up to Scat hill and have a big fire where they chant and then throw candles into the fire, well they did at the one I saw in August, nothing like the Wickerman, everyone was clothed, just as well really, ugly weemen and old blokes, I've never seen so many oldmen with ponytails in my life.
Then the 5th November comes round too, I might as well mention it as the same little shites from Halloween come round with their hoods up and say, "penny for the guy" for those foreigners 5th November is Bonfire night or Guy Fawkes night , in 1605 Guy Fawkes and his catholic friends tried to blow up the houses of Parliment when King James 6th of Scotland (aka James 1st of England) was inside, so now they still burn effigies of Fawkes to celebrate, fireworks too, a lot of the commonwealth used to celebrate it but due to firework regulations and the anticatholic theme its fading, the Australians called it 'Cracker night' that was because of the fireworks, not the drunken white people.
Sometimes the kids going around the doors will get the smallest of their team and put him into a babystroller or a shopping trolley and pretend hes the guy, British children though vastly annoying and trouble making wee gits are quite enterprising , here is a chant rarely used and mostly been forgotten, I wonder if you can tell why its never used much now.

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

The full rhyme, rarely used, continues:

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,'twas his intent
to blow up the King and the Parliament.
Three score barrels of powder below,
Poor old England to overthrow:
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, make the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
Hip hip hoorah!

A penny loaf to feed the Pope.
A farthing o' cheese to choke him.
A pint of beer to rinse it down.
A faggot of sticks to burn him.
Burn him in a tub of tar.
Burn him like a blazing star.
Burn his body from his head.
Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah!

Well I like it, nice and bitter, the way I take my weemen.

Sunday, 29 October 2006

Have A Cyber Holiday.

If you don't like flying to foreign countries because they are all full of foreigners with their silly ways take a look at these cool pictures my mate Richard took in Sri Lanka.
Play wheres kieran ? in the London pics.

Too Scary For Halloween.

Ever noticed the similarities between Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson? I know this is like Americans slagging off Princess Di as both Mouse and Jackson (if that is indeed their real names) are like beloved royalty, but if you can't slag off the # 1 greatest nation on Earth then who can you slag off?

Mouse has a white face even though he is black, he wears gloves, talks in a high pitched voice, loves to be around children and amusement rides and is probably still a virign. (by a female)
Jackson has a white face even though he is black, he wears gloves , talks in a high pitched voice, loves to be around children and amusement rides and is without a doubt a virgin. (by a female)

I really dislike the two of them, lets hope when Mouse gets caught diddling kids the American justice system won't give him an out of jail free card just because of his celebrity because mark my words, him and Mini would be a couple by now if he wasn't such a sick and twisted baby dangling Pedophile , she knows something.

Oh I was only joking about the # 1 greatest nation thing, try typing that with a straight face.

Hes Old And He Cares.

Dear Ask Knudsen

Is Oliver Stone and Oliver North the same person as they share the first name and three letters of their last name and the letters left over spell the word 'Resh' which is the 20th letter in the Hebrew Alphabet and we all know Stone's father was Jewish , and North works for Fox News which isn't real news please tell me I'm not insane.

Jean Luc Picard.

Dear nutjob

Go on the roof of a tall building and check it for gravity, I bet you can fly anyway, give it a try.
Oliver Stone a Vietnam war hero that was in that film in which he crossed his legs and you saw his hairy boys, 'Basic Fatal Instinct Attraction' . Oliver North sold weapons to Iran to fund a terrorist group, (or freedom fighters as he called them) no point asking him as he can't recall a thing, Fox news is indeed computer generated, creating random scenarios to scare viewers into watching which is very cunning hence the name 'Fox' giving the impression that if you don't watch you'll be torn apart by dogs owned by some fat twat in a red coat on a horse.

Thankyou for your question.

Saturday, 28 October 2006

Doing It For The Queen.

Two handsome fellows together,or are they really just strangers ? or could they be Broggers , which means brothers in computer terms.

Footeater on the left and honey of the Blogworld Old Knudsen on the right, no the other right.

My Eyes Are Up Here.

Sorry to all those people that tried to comment on the Works of Fart but found it wasn't set for comments, as soon as I find someone weak and suitable they shall be punished.

Thanks to the informer that told me, your idenity is safe with me assgrabber@hotmail.com and thanks for the pics, though I'm not sure how legal that is.

I have in the past made mistakes such as the time when I ordered cow and pig grease for the new cartridges for the 1853 Enfield rifled musket, how was I to know this was unacceptable to the Muslim and the Hindu Sepoys of the British Indian Army? who makes up all this crap anyway? so sorry for The Indian Rebellion which put the East India Company out of power and brought in 90 years of the British Raj. The East India company still has a price on my head so if anyone asks about me tell them I'm on Blogstream and now call myself sandy the whip mistress, not too far from the truth.

Have some dressed up for Halloween as who cares what weekend boobies as an apology, well its not really I'm just trying to offset all the cock blogging and trap the odd click next blogger.

Old Knudsen says, " Proper nouns are for the weak" .

And if you didn't notice that the comments weren't on, fuck off.

Great Works Of Fart.

A watercolour painting by an Irish Artist Louis Le Brocquy, (a very Irish name --- not!) was put up for sale this week. The study of Francis Bacon was expected to be sold for £15,000 but at a Sotheby's auction in London a secret buyer paid £153,600 for it, which is a very good reason not to bid on art when you're drinking, you were totally taken, Le Brocquy, isn't even dead yet hes 90, you just know the buyer can't wait for him to die so the price will go up, and another thing, its shite, or else its very good and bacon was a really really ugly fucking ghostie man, who the Hell is he anyway? did he invent bacon or something? I, in all my life have never gone out to buy a car and ended up buying a house, youth is wasted on the young and money is wasted on the rich, yes that is in the Bible.

What If.

If Heinrich Himmler and Dr Bashar Al Assad had a child, it could very well be Edward Norton.

Friday, 27 October 2006

I Knew You Were Going To Read This.

I can't speak for everyone, well I could and it would make a lot more sense but anyway, have you ever experienced anything of paranormal fashion? no, I don't mean catching someone else's yawn, fuck you people have no imagination, I'm talking about when the phone rings and you know who it is on the other end, or you know to save something to draft just as Blogger messes up though I didn't get that feeling and my last post was sacrificed to Lord Blogspot , who said this service was free? it costs me my blood, sweat and seminal fluids .
I always knew Anne Bankcroft was going to die of cancer, when I was told she was dead I said "cancer"? all casual like, never a big fan but I just knew.
I do silly things like talk about something then the next day it turns up in my life, people, films that kind of thing, if I say big titty weemen then I find an e-mail from Fat Sparrow telling me how funny Kav is and how hot Hadon is, yeah yeah tell me something I don't know, shes such a groupie sometimes.
I can also predict that The sound of music will be shown at Christmas time the weekend after The great escape is shown, however I'm crap at getting the Lottery numbers, it never works when you think about it working, a little like Blogger.

There was a study done about something that Old Knudsen already knew . People that have had from birth, allergies, chronic pain, fatigue, depression, migraine, headaches, sensitivity to light, sound and smell are pretty much fucked and should be put down, also they are 3 times more likely to have an apparitional experience than those jammy bastards who are always healthy but whine anyway about being sick so they can fit in.
Men are more likely to have a visual experience while weemen get visual, sense a presence , hear, smell or see lights and energy, enough to make a physiatrist reach for his prescription pad.
Burn the Witches I say, woops sorry, old habits die hard, back in the day to avoid service in Oliver Cromwell's puritan stormtroopers 'The helmet heads' I became a Witch finder general, I'd go from town to town testing weemen for perkiness and witchiness (technical term) besides the arse slap and the pencil test I'd get a wet glass and set it down onto a table, a witch born of Satan's Barse cannot help herself but put a coaster under the glass and mutter some nasty incantations .
If you suspect that your wife is a witch try this test, known as the 'Dutch Oven' , in modern time men use it just to annoy their spouse but in days of yore that was a witch test. For those that live in a cave and need a Dutch Oven explained (Osama you need to get out more) its when a couple are lying in bed and the man farts and pulls the covers over his lady friend's head for her to enjoy, if the woman complains or tries to get out then shes a cruel vile witch and you're well fucked as she knows where you sleep, if she is pure of heart God will protect her so she may breath through the plate of ribs and 6 beers without a word, the man's fun will be gone and he won't try that again God 1 ---- mortal man nil.
Nowadays its not so cool to go around burning suspected witches, over the centuries the witch burning has become the family BBQ not as dramatic but smells better.

Wednesday, 25 October 2006

So Cute Until Someone Loses A Leg.

Do you remember back in the early 80's when Krakatau had that big eruption and caused that Tsunami ? yeah that was before the Manic Street Preachers made a song about Tsunamis causing people to say" whats a Tsunami? we don't watch the discovery channel", and then there was the more recent one that no one missed.
Well the world was a bigger place back then, no Interweb in every home, all the kids didn't think it was their right to have a cell phone, drivers only had to worry about driving while eating , looking at maps and reading or putting on makeup, no important calls or DVDs to watch while speeding down the motorway and people lost contact with their loved ones for hours at a time it was bliss.
I may have mentioned the TV show that I've been trying to get off the ground for a few decades now, I'm close, I can feel it, with Steve Irwin gone I see a gap that needs to be filled, its called, 'I wonder what that tastes like' I go around the world finding animals and eating them. When I was on Safari in Africa it was just before Krakatau blew so I was able to step over onto Lemuria, for all those ignorant people out there, Lemuria was the continent that went from Africa to India until the volcano sunk it beneath the waves, some have compared it with Atlantis but those folks probably believe in the tooth fairy too, anyway Atlantis is for another day, right now I'm in Lemuria, try to keep up.
You know what a lemur is right? just look at the picture above, well Lemuria was full of them, originally they were quite big , Arabs used to travel to Lemuria a lot and being Arabs used to shag whatever they could which is why you have the crazy Muslims in Somolia. After centuries of um dirty Arab sex, no offense to any Lemur raping Arabs reading this I'm sure they were asking for it with those big watery eyes judging you, daring you to do something about it and it probably says to do it in one of the versions of the Koran that's handiest to follow for you, if Allah told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? no you'd probably interpret it as throw the weemen that complain when you whip them off the bridge.

Some Lemurs now look a little like people but there is always something about them that isn't right, check out some of the avatars on your blogging chums, I've seen a few wrong uns, I hate lemurs, those creepy little shites, like priests, always trying to touch you,"you can trust me" :::: fiddle about fiddle about::::: don't let their big bush baby eyes fool you, if you are ever separated and alone in the jungle or if they sense weakness and fear they will attack you, if they can't take you alone they will howl or send text messages to their pack, the half-nelson is their favourite move anticipate it.
Heres what to do when faced with an ravenous Lemur with a taste for human (or Arab) flesh. Make yourself as big as possible and squeal like a public school boy getting it hard from the head boy, using the old look over there trick is a favourite of mine as the intelligence of Lemurs is to be mocked, for once they have looked away you must run like the wind in a serpentine fashion as that movement cannot be detected by their eyes.
If the above sounds like too much hard work you can always pull out your gun and shoot them, assuming you were smart enough to bring one though if you're reading this you may very well be as smart as a Lemur and thus must be mocked, clubbing a Lemur is not advisable as the large mirrored disco balls send them into a killing frenzy worse than any seasonal shopping sale bargain hunter.

I know what you're thinking right now, the answer is lots of alcohol uppers ,downers and poppers.

Lemurs taste like chicken covered in HP sauce but with more substance.

Don't trust them don't believe them, if you go to a zoo to see all the happy caged animals that would rather be on my plate don't go visit the lemurs, if they notice you or take a liking to you they will find out where you live, ever woken up with a Lemur penis in your mouth? silly question of course you have, tastes like chicken right?

If you're ever in Northern California stay away from Shasta Mountain, for that is the last refuge of the Lemurians, they may be too shy shy but can turn deadly if hungry or they feel threatened, remember they do walk among us .

Only good poems rhyme # 2

As Sammy wasn't sufficiently entertained he incurs the wrath of my poet's black dried up soul, let this be a lesson to you all,I'm having big trouble with Blogger today, Beta isn't having such trouble, listen to me Blogspot if that is indeed your real name, I will not be forced to switch to Beta , the Nazis tried to force me to sell out my country and tell my secrets, well ok that worked, those fuckers said they were going to torture me, they said they would make me drink tea without sugar in it, those bastards know my weaknesses.

One legged and scots yeah that sounds like me
A shotgun in bed next to a bottle of pee
travelling round the world
Doing things that I should never have done
Masturbated by Midgets with a gerbil in me bum
Now I'm loved by both weemen and gays
selling your soul to Satan certainly pays

If one don't work out I have always the other
any port in a storm
hey it worked with your mother

Two of a Kind.

Old Knudsen gets a nice wee surprise everytime I stumble across someone that has put up a link to me, not wanting to offend someone unintentionally because that's not as much fun as intentional offending I try to find out where my links are and reciprocate, however some Blurker (I don't like the word lurker to describe the quiet readers and Blurker sounds like vomiting thus funnier) might have a link up and I'd never know, the same thing happened in the town of Bideford in Devon. In the 1980's some Yanks from Manteo North Carolina gave the Bideford council a plate proclaiming some form of friendship, it sat in council chambers until someone turned up 2006 with a gift of a clock to mark 25 years of twinning between the two towns, the Deputy mayor David Ratcliff said," there had been links between the towns but nothing official", then he went on to say,"bloody yanks think they can come over here with their chewing gum and nylons and twin with whoever they want".

The town having been slightly embarrassed by the whole thing didn't have a gift to give back, and did these Americans not hear of telephones or the interweb? it sounds like a case of town stalking to me, to make matters worse Bideford is officially twinned with Landivisiau in France, oh its all very dirty and sordid.

The picture is of Eng and Chang, born in Siam (Thailand) 1811 and were connected at the chest by a 5 inch long band of flesh. They went to America, Canada and Europe earning money by giving lectures and demonstrations who am I kidding? a freak show for anyone that would pay to take a look , they were so famous the term Siamese twins was then used to describe conjoined twins.
Strangely enough they settled down in North Carolina where they married two sisters of European ancestry who were not twins or connected, ah to be a fly on the wall in that bedroom, they did pretty well as the four of them had 21 kids in total wey hey .
In 1874 Chang died from a blood clot in his brain and Eng two and a half hours later from shock aged 63 , it is believed that they knew about their twinning .

Monday, 23 October 2006

The Wickerman Revisited.

To the north west of Scotland lies the Hebrides, these desolate Isles are famous for Harris tweed, burning policemen in wicker effigies and Sam, Problem-Child-Bride. Beautiful scenery, just avoid visiting during a full moon and if you see naked weemen dancing around a fire don't buy a six-pack and wander down with your camera phone.
The Isle of lewis has been called the windiest place in Europe, they should come to my hoose when Billy one ear is here, windy and smelly, I think he saves them up just for me.
Well those silly cunts at the Western Isles council have already given the go ahead to put up 234 giant wind turbines onto Lewis to generate 702 megawatts of power, the largest of these stations in Europe.
This will give the locals 330 jobs for the estimated 4 years of building, that's if they want them, if not then the Poles or Slavs will happily do the work, those dirty shites will think being up there is like a summer camp.
The Islanders are quite rightly going on about the view from their kitchen windows being spoiled and even though the island's population has been sliding down for years they are worried about their community coming to an end and don't want the turbines, well just the mouthy ones that were asked.

Old Knudsen has a better idea, build more Nuclear power plants, reopen all those closed pits and get that fucking coal out.

The people of the Hebrides are so special (which is why everyone leaves) with their Gaelic speaking , lowest birthrate in Britain and primitive ways, why should they be brought into the 21 st century? have they not noticed the lack of fishing to be had? Their way of life is over, the only thing they excel at is a high deathrate, gurn up, you're part of this Earth too, we want your wind.

Sunday, 22 October 2006

Cyber Disco.

Dr Who is one of those shows that prove the lead character is bigger than the mere mortals that play them.
While James Bond and Batman cater to the easily pleased, we'll take explosions over plot and character development anyday Dr Who has made a come back and captured a new generation without the aid of Hollywood formulas, and the most incredible thing is that its made by the Welsh.
Peter Cushing first played the doctor in the 1965 film Dr Who and the Daleks, followed by a similar looking William Hartnell to play him on the small screen.
The much older Doctor was always traveling with a group of impressionable young people, back then the only pedos were uncles and priests, doctors and teachers didn't jump onto the trendy pedo wagon until much later.
The time traveling police box was named the Tardis which is latin for a bunch of tards in a time traveling box, who the fuck speaks latin anymore anyway? well except for those folks in Latin America.
The reason why the doctor travels in an out of date police box is because the cloaking device that changes the appearance of the Tardis broke in 20th century England, lucky it wasn't 25th century Italy or it would of been a giant golden penis, but really the makers of the show didn't have enough cardboard or imagination to make extra external looks for the tardis, the show was famous for its men in silver space suits and wobbly walls, wheelie bins with plungers stuck to them shouting ,"exterminate!" to be honest aren't very scary, yeah everyone stand in one place and let them shoot us, the way to beat the Daleks at first was just to go up some steps, but soon they cleverly adapted, while Nasa fooled about with caterpillar tracks the Daleks learned to hover, but now Davros the Greek leader of the Daleks has changed his name to Philip and is now a blogger, though due to a fear of time traveling old men with bad grammar and a penchant for young friends he doesn't read me.

I really don't like it when TV shows swap actors with a new one, it worked well on Bewitched with Darren but that was because of DNA splicing and gene therapy.
Scott Robinson from the Australian soap Neighbours went off somewhere and came back a different person, his family didn't even *twig* to it, I'm shouting at the TV "that's not Scott you fools, what kind of fairy glamour does he have you under?"

Dr Who covered this to my satisfaction by regenerating the old actor that's had enough for the new actor, same person different body, they always give him a quirk of some kind to show hes different, a flute, old car or a scarf and also the now famous jelly babies, a mix up in the mythology of a planet the doctor visited once had him as a god that ate real babies, now what is it with jelly babies that you get some sick satisfaction from biting the heads off them first? moving on, the doctor was always kinda dodgy looking even when they made him younger. British TV doesn't go for the young hot muscular hero, it goes for the old smarter type that some how becomes a sex symbol without even trying, grannies would throw their piss stained belly warmer panties at Inspector Morse and they'd roll up their saggy diddies so he could sign them .
The last Doctor in the series was a crappy wee Scotsman named Sylvester McCoy, his Doctor gimmick was a severe lack of acting ability and an ugly tomboy of an assistant called Ace. When a Doctor Who movie was made in 1996 it gave me great satisfaction to see McCoy gunned down in the first few minutes, the doctor came back to life as Paul McGann a fine and popular actor from a family of acting brothers, like the Baldwins but with talent, he became the 8th doctor but due to low rating in the U.S. the series was not brought back to life until 2005.

"Welcome to Uranus Doctor, lube is for the weak".

The doctor then became that big eared Northern twat, no offense to any Northern twats that have actually learned to read and are working their way through this post, don't worry it will be over soon , that big eared Northern twat Christopher Eccleston was that guy who was eaten by zombies in the Sandra Bullock movie 28 days, I was happy to see him go, we don't want to encourage that sort, the latest Doctor is well, kind of blah, whats his gimmick no chin? speaking of goofy looking fuckers that Billie Piper has the face for radio alright, I was surprised to see that she can act but really who wants to see it? famous for her underage drinking and who she was shagging rather than her pop music career and of course her 3 year marriage to that ginger git from Yahoo, no wait it was to Chris Evans, she recently said that during her marriage she was drunk quite a bit and didn't shower for up to a week at a time, big deal, instead of water the French use talc to hide the smell and use horse blood to redden their cheeks, a dirty people the French. I was in a Russian Gulag for 4 years don't talk to me about not washing.
I think the Doctor should get Kinga from Big Brother as his assistant, what intergalactic problem can't be solved by sticking a bottle up your minge?

How scary are the Cybermen? the modern day Cyberman is too busy downloading porn on the Interweb to be tooling about space, I totally expect the Cybermen to start dancing the Robot at any minute, what a lame villian, it doesn't turn gold jewelry green, gold jewelry turns them green, incase you don't get that, gold kills them, I would try a 357 magnum at point blank but that's me.

*means to catch on to something*

The Smell Of Pee, It Must Be Me.

Here is a piece of fine poetry by Belinda Cockbox about yours truly, Robyn I suggest you give this one a miss.

Saturday, 21 October 2006

Melvyn Bragg Sex God.

There has been one TV show that made Old Knudsen scratch his head and ask himself,"what kind of twat watches this stuff?" well that was before I knew Foot Eater, question answered.
The South Bank Show, a lively arts magazine show, what? lively? when did that happen? everytime I turned it on Andre Previn or some other boring fucker was on it, and if the person or subject was vaguely interesting trust The South Bank show to make it dull, an example of one of their shows was 'Choirs and the places where they sing' yeah good stuff, or a poetry workshop with dance, did their poems rhyme? I think not.
The main man of The South bank show was Melvyn Bragg, pig ugly, a horrible name and thick regional accent, what made his accent worse was that he sounded as if he needed to blow his nose, he always sounded congested, look at the picture (hes on the right) this is him on a good day.
Soon theres going to be a show on George Michael, now George has this little problem he just cannot be discreet, the lad is at the end of his career his best years are over and now any publicity is good publicity so what does he do? he smokes a joint while hes being interviewed.
The interview took place in Spain now Old Knudsen surprise surprise doesn't like the Spanish, I may have a link up to one of them (wherever he is) but that's different, I've never forgiven them for attacking us in 1588, those bastards and their Armada, but me and Charlie Drake sent them packing, "go breed with the Irish ya dirty goat chucking dagos" I shouted with my clenched fist punching the sky, no offense to any slimy spics reading of course, "Buenos aires amigo" I can tell you're all impressed, a man of many talents is Old Knudsen. So as I was saying, marijuana is legal in Spain, and George did everything but hold up a sign saying 'look I'm on the pot' , he said that pot keeps him sane, now I'm no doctor, I may wear a white coat and walk around hospitals writing on charts but really even I know you don't prescribe Marijuana for nutcase syndrome, then George went on to say that its not very healthy (another non medical opinion) and you can't afford to smoke it when you're got anything to do, oh really Mr Michael, like driving you mean, about a month ago George Michael stopped in traffic and forgot to drive again, like you do, he was found slumped over the steering wheel of his car in North London, this is George Michael sane, never trust a man with two first names, that Paul Simon bastard owes me £5.00 , I doubt I'll see that again.

After the George Michael programme The South Bank show will then do the history of British Coal a 5 part series with composer Andre Previn.

Ban Women From Beaches.

An Islamic court in Somalia has banned weemen from swimming at one of their main beaches. The beach is one that families usually go to at the weekends and that's the reason they give for the ban.
Rightly so, I don't want to go to a beach and see a load of weemen in wet clingy swim suits bouncing around having fun, no wait a minute I do.
These peace loving Islamists have also banned movie viewing and broke up a wedding celebration because there was a band and men and weemen were socialising together.

Ok ballbags, being in the closet is one thing and hating women under the guise of religion because you have been turned down by so many and the ones that did say yes laughed at your tiny willy is another thing, there is no excuse for being an arsehole, you lads are being sent to the Wanker's gallery, now let that be a lesson.

I was talking to jesus, ( no I'm not crazy Vicars do it all the time) anyway he was sitting on my sofa wearing his sky blue tracksuit and thick gold chains, yes the son of god is also a man of style. He told me that if you weren't a Presbyterian Christian you're wrong and you'll burn in hell, well I was shocked, " what about all those people that think they are in the right religion ? can we save them?" Jesus took a sip from his can of Bavaria (a weak but reasonably priced lager) "fuck them, if they are dumb enough to believe that shit who needs them? besides Heaven is a gated community, we have to be careful who we let in."
My eyes were well opened, soon they were watering, Jesus went to my bathroom and took a massive dump then said his goodbyes, he was going to his new girlfriend's house and didn't want to crap there as they were in the about to go all the way polite part of the relationship.

The picture is of a poor girl that has collapsed on the beach due to having been oppressed.

Friday, 20 October 2006

The Queen's English.

Old Knudsen writes the way he wants to but due to the tremendous rise in popularity in the colonies I now have to explain some of the words and phrases I use, so try to keep up, there will be a test later, I know what these words mean in American, heres what they really mean to the civilized world.

Firstly Bitter Balls, nothing to do with my nads, it denotes a person that will keep a grudge or hatred fresh and alive as if it just happened yesterday.

'Catch yourself on' and 'wise up' both mean don't be so stupid.

'Go for your tea' = to fall over, I was walking down the street and I went for my tea.

'Drinking as in Drunk' its always about alcohol, alcohol is life.

'Hit and Miss' = piss
'Taking the piss/taking the Mickey' = to make fun of someone or taking something too far.
I took the piss out of my friend for saying something stupid.
One hour before finishing work my boss gave me a load of extra work, that was really taking the piss.
Piss = urine, ' I pissed' is past tense.
Piss take = to make fun off
I was pissed = I was drunk
I was pissed off = I was angry
Being pissed = still means drunk my friend
On the piss = out on the town drinking, out on the tear.
Pisshead = a useless person

Fanny = vagina, blurt or Cunt
Fanny pad = what women wear in their knickers on their period or when the painters are in, or during ragweek or when they get a visitor from America.
Fanny pack = means beat me up I'm a tourist, its called a bum bag.

Gunties = knickers

A full stop = what Yanks call a period in punctuation.
Old Knudsen thinks punctuation is for the weak.

Lad/todger = penis
Chips = french fries
Crisps = chips
Braces = suspenders or the things that people with goofy teeth put onto their teeth to straighten them, a retainer is a servant.
Suspenders = part of sexy lingerie
Trousers = pants
Pants = knickers
Jumper = sweater
Football = soccer
American football = a gay American version of Rugby for players afraid to get hurt.
Petrol = gas
Gas = what makes you fart
Gift = someone that is easily fooled or very gullible.

Now for the test.

#1 Martha Stewart was the wife of A. George Washington or B. James Stewart?.

#2 On the TV show Captain Pugwash there was a character called Roger the cabin boy, true or false?.
#3 What is your Bank account number?.

#4 Spotted dick effects which part of the body?.

#5 What is your social security number?.

#6 In what year was the War of 1812 fought?.

#7 Cheese is to cheese grater as my penis is to what?.

#8 Will these questions ever stop?.

#9 Where has the love gone?.

#10 Name the state to the south of North Dakota.

Thursday, 19 October 2006

Whats For Dinner?

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are going through a wee divorce at the moment, a real shame, I thought those kids would of made it.
Divorce is quite shite at the best of times but when every word is reported and blown up out of proportion by the press and also theres 60 million quid at stake its obviously worse than for us mere mortals, ah poor wee rich people.
There is no such thing as a friendly divorce, Heather has filed court papers stating that Paul violently abused her and used illegal drugs, Paul has a shit fit if he sees a doggie in a cage about to be chop sueyed hes soft as shite, no way do I believe he would even try to take on a one legged woman, of course I totally believe the drugs, those banjo players are always on the pot, lay off him Heather hes an old fella, for years people have called him ever youthful or likened him to Peter Pan (a bit of a fairy that won't grow up? no young looking) and then to one day wake up and find you are a dead ringer for Fergie (Duchess of York toe sucker extraordinaire, not the Black eyed peas girl) with droopy oldman Roger Moore tities . Anyway it was Lennon that wrote the not so shite songs, Paul wrote the fluffy stuff.
Heather is a fit looking bird, like Old Knudsen she lost her leg while hunting the great white Panda Yogi Dick , no wait she lost hers in a car accident.
Paul countered the claims of abuse and drugs by saying Heather drank too much as she was legless a lot of the time, ha ha ha sorry just a bit of cripple humour.
Both Paul and Heather are well into charity and animal rights, very commendable, though they sometimes sound like a cross between P.E.T.A. and Scientology with their enthusiasm.

Heres what Old Knudsen believes are animal's rights .
They have the right to remain silent and let me eat them, if they give up that right I will cook and baste them with enough heat deemed appropriate.

We need to eat animals, until the scientists come up with a Soilent Green substitute , fruit and veg is for the weemen , children and weirdos, (you know who you are) I keep my valuables in the vegetable drawer in my fridge, its not like anyone around here will look in there for a healthy carrot, not that there is any. Smell my fart, that's pure protein, bodybuilders could bulk up muscle mass on my emissions alone.

The cows are all mad, the chickens have the flu, the fish are dying but at least we still have the pig, well the Jews don't but do I look like I care ? God was good enough to make pigs, they should be polite enough to eat them, but with only the pig we are in trouble my friend, the answer? McCartney won't like it, Dogs and cats, you just have to get over that soft western approach to animals, Johnny cuff link has no trouble eating fido and muffin, you would too if you were hungry enough, if you say you wouldn't then you haven't been there yet.

An expression not used anymore to express hunger is, "I could eat a Scabby Skunk".

The animal rights people will protest no matter what you do, trying to force people to give up meat and become vegetarians is like trying to convert them to Jehovah Witnesses, the Vegans being more crazy through lack of food don't mind cutting the head of a cute leafy lettuce but if you choke yer chicken they go nuts.
I had a Vegan as a pet once, messy creatures, his name was Spud, he lived up a tree in my back garden, I had him thinking they were going to tear it down to build a road, we had a good arrangement I'd toss him a salad (with real toss as a wee joke) and supply him with a Readers Digest every month from that place that gives out free books, Library is it called? he'd protest in the tree, hug it sing wee chants and rub his wood lovingly, oh I also had his *Dole cheque* sent to my hoose, what a nice trusting young man, its a shame it ended in tragedy, during that week on Big Brother when Kinga stuck that bottle up her vadge I neglected to feed poor wee Spud, I still think hes up there still with his leg chained to the tree, luckily its an evergreen, when people asked me what that smell was I'd tell them theres a lot of Travelers (gypsies) around town, dirty people, Slavs you know.
I send my Grandson Gavin to the S.S. office (social security) to sign on as Spud, so it all worked out well in the end.
So anyway, look after the animals before you humanely kill them, would that be an oxymoron, you know like Military Intelligence? Pat the doggies on the head and give the cats some yarn before you off them.
Don't go taking the seals out clubbing, no wonder people fucking complain, even that McGyver bloke whined about it, fuck the children abducted and forced to serve as soldiers in the Congo, seals are getting killed.
I don't know what some people are thinking these days they also complain when murderers and rapists in prison are executed, who cares if he killed a load of folks, he made pop up books he must be a nice guy, those bleeding hearts have turned the word Liberal into an insult word, let them pay for their room ,board and security if they like them so much, I see executions as a means to cure overcrowding in prisons and get rid of the wrong uns, I remember the days when prisoners only got food if their family brought it to them.

Listen to Gandhi when he said, "kill or be killed" those doggies would feast off your eyeballs given half the chance, well except for GreyFrairs Bobby, God bless his little heart, its either them or us.

Meat is not Murder
Murder ---- the unlawful and malicious or premditated killing of a person.

Old Knudsen will stand up fpr Plant Rights, and if I ever see that Woody Harleson in his hemp suit I will throw manure at him.

*for those that don't speak the Queen's fucking English, Dole Cheque = unemployment benefit.*

Wednesday, 18 October 2006

Don't Mention The War

The Germans complain that the British are still bitter about World war 2 and that we should move on as they have, and to get over it. Well, if I thought I was a part of the master race (I'm not, I'm one of god's chosen people, the Scots) and if I got my ass handed to me on a plate by a load of Yanks and brits well I wouldn't mentioned it too often either, heres the facts, we won, nah nah nah nah nah, if you don't like those Apples then stop starting wars.
Britain was a small overstretched nation back then, we were doing honest Imperialism, we didn't go under the guise of freedom or oil, we firmly believed that the world should all be British, or at least British servants.

In 1940 we were on the verge of losing not just a war or a battle but everything, the Germans stood across the channel waving their sausages at us, a mere 20 mile stretch of water keeping them at bay, it was a scary time for us, I can't tell you how many times I bravely changed sides until I knew who was going to win.

The usual banter between the Yanks and the British is.
Man with a cowboy hat on says," if it wasn't for us you all would be speaking German"

Man with a bowler hat on says, " if it wasn't for yourselves you'd be civilized, shouldn't have kicked us out old fellow, cup of tea?"

Man with a cowboy hat on," you damn Limey fag I want a cup of coffee, and in an American cup, back in the states cups can hold 10 gallons just like our hats".

Man with a bowler hat on, " sorry no fags old chap, I only smoke a pipe, lucky your hats hold so much, having such big heads and all".

Man with a cowboy hat on , not sure if he was insulted or not as big is very important in the States, "damn straight partner".

Remember when France opposed the war in Iraq and everyone in America became French haters, renaming french fries Freedom fries and pouring out perfectly good french wine, well not only did it show how stupid they were at wasting good booze but it also showed you how convenient their memories are, the French are after all the reason why the Americans were able to Beat the British in the first place to gain their independence , if it wasn't for the French you'd all be speaking English.

I never hear Russians say how if it wasn't for them sending millions of their bullet catching warm bodies at the Germans we'd all be speaking German, I guess it must be an American charm and humility thing, the Americans did send vast amounts of people weapons and equipment into the war, rationing hardly effected those in the states, hmmph! must of been nice.

Those were the days, you'd go all out to win a war, not try to be polite or P.C. and you don't count the death toll by the body, theres this thing called morale, FDR suspended many liberties and took quite a few, you need laws and you can't please everyone.

Though Winston Churchill was half American and to me was one of the greatest war mongers, er leaders of our time, he didn't take any crap, it was his way or the highway, one of Old Knudsen's all time heroes, though in person he could be a little too American if you know what I mean, no not Meth and Anal sex, I mean arrogant.

Yes if it wasn't for the Americans begrudgingly getting involved in world affairs, (they never like to meddle) we would of ended up speaking German, and then when Europe had been renamed 'Gerope' South America would be next and I don't think they would have minded too much, that Polka music is just a short goosestep towards nazism and you too would be speaking German in not too long a time.

I just want to thank my American readers for saving us from the Hun and doing the right thing, of course if you personally didn't help out please ignore my thanks, those brave men and women that did, don't rub it in as no one likes a Braggart, well unless its me.

The picture is of Winston Churchill observing one of the Ravens from the Tower of London, as long as there are ravens in the tower Britain shall never fall.

don't shoot til you see the ginger of their pubes

Old Knudsen being a creature of impulse and raw emotion cannot let another moment go by without telling you Click next bloggers about this fella he hates with all the passion and fury at his disposal, this wee shite (on the right) comes on everytime I check my Yahoo mail, they had me on the Beta blockers or something and that took forever to load up, that wee ginger cunt just bounced on a green testicle for 5 mins as I stared at his wobbling head, wishing for it to fall off, so I came off beta, as Beta is to be mocked in all its forms now I'm back on Yahoo VHS which is faster but not so flashy and this wee blurt keeps poping out and waving to me, I don't want your beta, take the hint, I think the main reason I hate him so is because he reminds me of Chris Evans, (on the left) another wee ginger nut that needs to be bleached and destroyed.

Tuesday, 17 October 2006


Many people may suspect this but Old Knudsen is being kept alive by the power of voodoo and the application of strong spirits yes Whisky not ghosties and ghoulies and longlegged beasties unless of course you mean Charlize Theron, oh that one night with her, I was fucking brilliant, I was too busy watching myself in the mirror to hit record on me camcorder, now that gurl has legs all the way up to her arse but Old Knudsen doesn't kiss and tell, e-mail me and I'll sell you an exclusive story.
Where does this voodoo stand with Old Knudsen's strict Presbyterian beliefs? well I asked Jesus for help, he kinda shrugged and said,"I'm a carpenter if you wanted a coffee table no probs", fucking sandal wearing long haired hippy, so then I ended up with the Voodoo god Dambolla, I have to make the odd sacrifice and bathe in the blood of young runaways to stay as young and handsome as I am, a little price to pay.

Well I got this letter from a Psychic the other day, I can't remember contacting one in the first place so that's incredible, or it was that night I was really pissed, and passed out while I was surfing the interweb, if I e-mailed you its all rubbish and I'm not into that.
It was from Ms Ibis, definitely not a Scottish name (like Knudsen is?) heres how it started.

Sweet Jesus Soren
Your troubles cause me great pain and anguish.
You have such a sharp mind and so much inner beauty. Your problems are not only unfair, they are crimes against God. I'll solve your problems or live in eternal shame.

She knows me so well, its like she looked into my life, you fuckers never say anything nice like that.
It seems that on 2nd November Old Knudsen is proper screwed, I must get under her protection to avert disaster, real danger, behind this is an evil force, extremely powerful and heinous, who can it be? Foot Eater the body stuffer? -no- Dr Maroon the more famous and less crazy jock? -no- Sammy the crazed firebombing shirt-lifter? could be.
I am really worried, how can she know something is going to get me unless she really is psychic? she seemed to be really interested in helping me and even called me her friend.
Ms Ibis if that really is her name (fuck I hate fakes) put a 'Fiery wall of Protection' around me and Archangel Michael and his 6 mates will help out also, all I have to do is say a prayer on a card and return it with £42.00 to help with the cost of supernatural intervention, and she will say a prayer on the 2nd Nov to fortify the spell, she sent me a list of candles and oils she used and other ingredients,I remember back in the day all you had to do is kill a small dragon and its heart would aid you in all your magical needs, now its expensive, she even knew I'd need an envelope to send it in (must of forgotten the stamp) I can't risk the evil getting me on the 2nd, she said she'd perform a miracle for me on the 17th November well I'm getting my money sent off right away so I get my miracle, if I don't make it through the 2nd Nov, I just want you all to know, you're a fucking pack O'Hoors.

Keeling Time.

You may of heard in the news about the journalist Anna Politkovskaya being assassinated by a Russian Hitman, these guns for hire aren't new, they have killed several high profile people over the past few years and are the current epidemic to hit Russia since David Hasslehoff and his car with the fruity voice defeated the communists .
These Killers or Keelers as they are called in Russia come from out of work KGB or other military, which means they are bad bastards,even the lowest of the soldiers and the least trained in combat, cooks, still tough as fuck, Russian army cooks don't use oven mitts, oven mitts are for the weak pussy westerners, as is washing their hands, no offense if any ex army cooks are reading, ah fuck yous , I bet you didn't eat your own cooking, they put stuff in the tea you know so you don't get stiffies. On a side note, before these gourmet rations that you just add water too and you have a Christmas dinner in a packet, we had cans of pate with crackers and mystery meat cans of stew, these were designed to bung you up so you'd only shit once a week, this means more fighting men at the ready, sneaky cunts,I pity the special forces who have to shit into bags and carry it with them so the enemy can't stick their finger in it and say, "2 hours old, tastes like *chips*, must be British SAS, they went that way" .

Old Knudsen's (remember me?) career as a bodyguard literally went up in smoke, it just didn't pan out for me, all politics, so in the early 80's I enrolled in a 'Keeler for hire' course down in Somerset, lovely country, plenty of sun too. It was run by an ex KGB assassin named Mikhail, he was a wiry wee shite but solid, ugly as fuck with an expression as if he was about to fall asleep or always drunk, a keeler's lust for keeling is only matched by his lust for strong foul smelling cigarettes, he seemed to always have a lit one in his mouth at all times, even when he took his respirator (gas mask) off after being in a room full of CS gas a lit cigarette would still be in his gob, I once asked if he ever felt like stopping, he flew into a rage and screamed, "I'm not a weak quitter I never give up, quitting is for losers " , after that I didn't really engage in small talk anymore.
What did I learn at my camp for Keelers?
I learnt to size up every room I enter, where the exits are, is there any alcohol, and who is more likely to buy a round and who is not, those that do not return the favour of round buying are subhuman scum and should be squashed.
I learnt that a true Keeler doesn't use mixers, and can get his hole anywhere from anything with his Keeler charm, I learned what parts of my body could be used as weapons, for instance if your leg gets blown off it then makes an excellent club, Mikhail taught me that only the weak pass out through lack of blood, I think he may be right.
During that rugged tough 3 day course I put my body through things I never thought I could, I stood in line at Tescos and never once complained about only two cashiers open during lunch time, I smiled and listened as a Jehovah Witness and his lurker Witness told me about their religion and only gave positive polite replies, my mind was becoming disciplined, my body had become rock hard from all the coughing I was doing from Mikhail's smoking, I was a trained Keeler.
Not everyone passed, we lost some good men on the explosives part of the course, and some good fingers (fingers, a good weapon for throwing if nails are long) thankfully bullets are expensive and we only got three each, but one bullet was all Sweaty Bert needed, I told him to wipe off his hands before he loaded his weapon, no one listens to Old Knudsen and those that do usually regret it.
I got a certificate and a t-shirt, and I was a disciplined buff Keeling machine, who would employ me?, let me think the Argies needed some help after getting their arses kicked during the Falkland Conflict, that's what happens when you let ex Nazis train your army, Iran as usual were the bad guys but those crazy fuckers have no Keeling pride, 'he that Keels and runs away lives to Keel another day' you don't blow yourself up (on purpose) how stupid would you have to be? that's a rhetorical question so don't bother, the Yanks are always stirring shit and shooting people, nah I'm not working for those bastards after they embarrassed me with the whole Kennedy thing, LBJ you wanker, they could of let me in on it.
I found myself working for a large company, Tescos, stacking shelves, well it was a start.

*For those that don't speak English, Chips = French Fries, Freedom Fries to you Bitter Balls*

Sunday, 15 October 2006

No Need To Get Cross.

A heathrow Airport employee is going to sue British Airways for religious discrimination because while at work her cross necklace showed and she was asked to cover it up as per the uniform policy.

Miss Eweida refused to do this as it was a symbol of her faith.

See whats happening here? Britain is getting more like America everyday, fat pushy people that go around looking for lawsuits, no offense to my to my brash, obese Yank readers but its true, I don't want to get into a fight over someone spilling my pint only to have their lawyer serve me with papers afterwards, where is the dignity in that? the rules have always been whoever loses the least body parts (teeth, earlobes, tuffs of hair etc) and the least blood wins, no special weapons allowed just whats around, its not an uncivilized brawl its an art form with ingenuity and guile that's the honourable way, and both parties retain their respect, my old Ma was a local bare knuckle champion for 8 years straight, me Da was into all that Brazilian dance fighting shit, Capoeira, usually when he was *pissed* so he didn't come off too good, when he got home me Ma would kick the shit out of him for losing, " fight like a man" she'd say as she gives him a right hook to the chin, "this is how to kick" as she boots him in the ribs, ah my parents were indeed soulmates, the cups of hot tea thrown in faces, the slaps on the back of the head, nowadays some wishy washy liberals would call that abuse but back then it was affection.
Back to Miss Eweida, my only consolation is that she is from an Egyptian background and goes to both Arab and Pentecostal churches, put all this together and you have a trouble maker, so Miss Eweida, your faith is stronger when your 'e showing it off to other people? putting it under your clothes as you've done for the past 7 years is no longer good enough, Heathrow is a fucking busy place, you work at the check-in seeing thousands of people a day of different faiths, what is this like gang colours or something? let me paraphrase the very first Protestant Jesus H Christ.

" Go forth my children and be strong in your faith, remember its not whats around your neck that counts, its whats in your heart so be humble and don't be a dick, especially you crazy Pentecostal cunts, here listen as I talk in tongues out of my arse" .

That my friend is in the Bible, (somewhere at the back)

There are double standards, as Turbans that cannot be concealed are allowed to be worn, heres what Old Knudsen advises, zero tolerance for religious nuts, if you accept a job with uniform dress codes then abide by it, if you can't then leave, as I have said before, leave religion out of the workplace unless you're the Pope or something.
Did you hear about all those prisoners years back that invented their own religions to get perks, "its my religion to have green jello everynight, oh I worship at the altar of the porno mag " and they got away with a lot of it because you can't go around refusing rights, it smacks of Communism or Fascism.
I know your game Miss Eweida look at your plump worried face that plays the victim so well, I hope your case gets thrown out of court, for if you win then you'll have people serving you at McDonald's wearing Swastikas and claiming to be Odinists,"sorry I can't serve black people, browns, jews or any other colour but white, its against my religion, have a nice day, please call again".

*For those who don't speak English, Pissed = drunk*

Beer And Boak.

Here is a story I remembered when I read a beer and boak post at Kav's Blog.

Years back when I was working for a company that made Snuff videos, well we prefer to call them promotional videos for Snuff products, it's an old habit but its still out there. We had had a good year with sales and our Boss who was usually a tight fisted git took his employees out to dinner at a, well I don't know, Chinese or Thai or something, I don't know, I went for the free food and drink not the fucking culture.
We sat down at a large table the food kept coming and so did the wine, wine? no Sammy I'm not gay, it was free and gets you drunk so I drank it, a lot of it.
Red is far worse than white but as that was all on offer so I bravely soldiered on.
I burned my hand on some sizzling hot plate they had, bloody dangerous, no one spoke enough drunken English to understand I wanted Ice.
We all piled out the door, and I felt someone yank my coat back, so I turned round and hit em,(like you do) thus ensued a drunken fight on the ground outside the place, it turned out that my coat got caught on the door handle but it was all fun.

To our surprise our Boss took us to another bar, I was only in there less than 10 minutes before the bouncers threw me out, I had a little trouble with my vertical balance it seems, I thought I was fine, falling over people seemed the right thing to do at the time, my boss phoned for a taxi, now I never take those things walking is better, I have a homing device in my head and no matter how blocked I am I always get home, 98% of the time.

I don't remember too much about the taxi ride, I believe I threw up in the cab and jumped out and walked the rest of the way home, I know this as there was an angry taxi driver at my work place the next day, no sense of humour those guys.

Well I did get home, I was greeted at my door by my two doggies I had then I petted them and fed them, well I petted them and threw up yet again all over my hall and the good wee animals lapped it up, my then wife appeared like a vision of doom at the top of the stairs and said I had better clean it up, I gestured to the dogs that were doing a fine job, she didn't look too impressed, never marry a woman just because she has big knockers, ah you live and learn.

I slept on the sofa that night, my lovely wife took a photograph of me passed out to embarrass me, but it only made me ask why was there bright orange stuff all over my face and clothes, that would be the colour of chinky food and red wine, that stuff glowed in the dark, you could paint traffic cones with it.
I learnt my lesson, never eat funny foreign food as it makes you boak, nope had nothing to do with the gallons of wine of that I'm sure.

Saturday, 14 October 2006

A Moment In Bitter History.

The good lord shone down on his true representative here on Earth during the week.
Ian Paisley and his lovely wife (Baroness) Eileen celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, the Northern Ireland political party that Big Ian heads, the DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) gave them a bowl carved out of a Walnut tree that grew on the sacred site where the Battle of the Boyne was fought in 1690.
When asked if he wanted sugar for his tea Big Ian defiantly shouted, "NO! I will not have sugar in my tea as long as the milk is present" , he then sat in silence staring at the milk while his tea went cold, he was not offered a biscuit, even though they were his favourite orange treat , Jaffa cakes.

The Sparrow Has Landed.

Thankyou Hadon for pointing out what my Blog needs, recently I have checked out new blogs to see what they were like only to find pictures of oiled up muscle men all over them, no matter what some may want to believe Old Knudsen doesn't want to see that, but I respect their right to put whatever they want up on their own blog, see how enlightened I am? here is a picture of a tired Fat Sparrow, she had just landed and felt a little weighed down for some reason, if you're all saying, "but shes not fat" that is because she was trying to be cool but misspelled 'Phat' as Fat, she is just so white sometimes, anyway, no one reads at the weekend so enjoy this instead.

Friday, 13 October 2006

Only good poems rhyme # 1

Why is it that you visit my blog
reading it is a slow painful slog
I put up things that I think might be funny
A fat fucker kid or an eye of a bunny
laced with bad grammar and obscenities
what rhymes with obscenities? oh yeah tities

I see whos been here on my site meter gear
someone read for a minute lets let out a cheer
One day I'll burn out of this we must speak
to be honest with you it happened last week
go find another blog, I just want you to be happy
no tears now be brave theres no time for sappy
ah fuck you all just read what I write
or I'll kick you up the hole, yep right in the shite.

Charity Begins With Fuck Off!

True tales from the street.

Theres a little park near the High street in town, me and some of the lads like to sit on the low wall chat away and swig from a bottle of 'Beat the Wife' , its like a social club, mates stop over on their way to the shops and talk for a while and in a few hours everyone knows everyone's business.

Once I saw two clean cut young men, black trousers white shirt, black tie and backpacks, straight out of the American Donny Osmond Mormon Clone factory, here no doubt to convert us heathens, fuck I hate those stupid twats, anyway they were standing on the street looking lost, trying to catch someone's eye so they can tell them about their crazy as fuck religion, no offense my Moron readers but you are dopey shites.

They perked up as soon as they saw an old Hunchback man carrying shopping bags approaching, one of the Osmonds reached down to grab a bag saying, "let me carry that for you" now I don't know what was in the bags, probably his beloved collection of cat heads but with the speed of a prize fighter he whisked the bag out of the reach of the grabbing Mormon and loudly said, " fuck off" and scurried off leaving the two lads looking even more lost.

Now we get homeless people trying to join us but Billy usually deals with them, one time I saw Jack the Stain, an unpleasant fella who pretends to be homeless so he can scrounge money of passerby's, standing with his hand out looking pitiful saying, "can you spare 20p mate?" he got a couple of mugs, usually young men and weemen, a well dressed businessman caught Jack's eye, "can you spare 20p mister?", the man started patting his pockets and put his hand into one, Jack stared transfixed waiting to get his gift, chances are he'd get more than 20p, the man pulled out his hand with his thumb in the air as if he was thumbing for a lift shouted,"Fuck Off" and walked on, now that was sheer class.

1000 visitors,well its a big deal for me.

Yay! let the celebrations begin, Old Knudsen's Blog has had '1000' visitors, 2 months almost to the day have people clicked on and off my site some lurking and just enjoying my brilliance and some commenting some load of old crap about me being a pedo or something (nothing has ever been proven) I just want to thank those that took the time and effort in reading and then slagging off the shite that I went to the trouble of pulling out of me arse one post shy of 100, as for you fuckers that clicked next blog I hope yer nipples start to chap and weep thick custard like pus.
There has been some interesting searches done on Blogger that has led people to me and I wonder what was going through some of these people's minds and I hope that no one connects my searches to me.

Searches for

Bren Chucky Style
Fake Old Man Balls
Ladykillers poisoned Scone
Jude Law

and of course the now famous ' Johnny Mad Dog Adair ' that supporters of Celtic (Scottish catholic football team) took to their hearts and posted on a BBC message board, God bless their bitter wee selves.

Then you get someone in China that searches for 'fuck' , I hope I enlightened them and the people in Thailand looking for 'cunt' and getting me, I can only imagine that Foot Eater had the # 1 spot for that search. (love ya footie)

Why would someone from Aberdeen do a search for 'smelly Scotsman'? do ya not have windows? just look outside.

I don't obsess over my site meter, I don't care if you visit a site (lots) called Cumshots before you get to me but really Hadon that is a lot even for you.

The 1000 visitor was from Whittier, California, hello whoever you are please call again.

If you haven't ever commented please do so, I go easy on you for the first time, if you are fool hardy enough to comment a second time, expect the Old Knudsen charm, now fuck off and give my head peace, if I make it to 2000 I'll buy yous all a drink, yep one big drink and I'll even drink it for yous.

Thursday, 12 October 2006

I Demand You Kiss My Ass.

Replying to e-mail sent from: Ambassadorknudsen@hotmail.com

Dear Ambarass a dork Nudsen, its me the Prez.
I took time out from connecting with the American people to address your list of demands about firing Rummy, apologizing for being late for the World wars and executing the Fast and the Furious folks, you make demands to me and I'll Hog tie and brand you like a female cow.

Well actually I was halfway through the first season of Desperate Housewives, ever watch it? that Eva Lungeria is one hot Tamale.

I got my posse to locate on the map the whereabouts of Scotland. I would like to visit and sample your Scotch Embassy someday so our peoples can talk and efargiate our differences and elictamate a bond of friendship.
Are you an ally with the United Kingdom of England? Are your people brown? do they have oil that needs democracy and to be free. (free oil, I'm so funny)

I like Corn its tastes good.

Rummy wanted to liberate your country (with our Stealth bombers) back to the stone age but Dick wouldn't let him.

I can't fire Rummy because hes the only one that can remember the Whitehouse alarm code.
Those World wars were not even news until we engaged the enemy.
I have the collectors edition director's cut with 4 minutes of extra stunts Fast and the Furious DVDs and I have put aside government funding (from the schools of course) to make a 4th movie, bring it on.

Rummy says you're a 'Flipping Wingnut that needs to be deleted with extreme prejudice ' but I say U R A fucking asshole , yeah I'm mailing drunk, if you can't drunken mail a fellow politiker then who can you ? if you want to send anymore lame ass demands then send them to my Gettysburg address, "screw you".


George Texas Walker The Man Bush, President of the World.

Wednesday, 11 October 2006


It used to be that fuck and bastard were fighting words, now they are used by Parents, Teachers and Rest home caregivers on an everyday basis.
Fuck is a highly versatile word it can be a command, compliment, insult, an act or just something bad, depending on its use.

Fit as Fuck
Strong as Fuck
Ugly as Fuck
Fat as Fuck
Tired as Fuck
Cool as Fuck
I don't give a Fuck
I'm gonna Fuck you up
Desperate for a Fuck
I Fucked yer Ma
I got Fucked
No I really got Fucked
Fucked in the head
Fuck a Duck
Fuck Buddy
Fucking Hell
The Fucking Fucker's Fucked

Fuck has been taken over as the shock word to use, all thanks to the Bog trotting Irish who now think so little of Fuck that they teach it in schools but pronounce it 'Feck' , the current word is of course 'Cunt' not as adaptable but still shocking to non Europeans , the Irish have even named an airline after the word, 'Cunnilingus' , this word will soon lose its power as the soft English have taken to using it, and who wants anything after they have used it? .

In polite circles the word Cunt is pronounced Cont but thats only by the Mucksavages as they are more readily acceptable of swear words coming into everyday use than other cultures.

Bring back 'Fuck' if you use 'cunt' with any other word it just becomes a limp insult, 'cunt face', yeah yeah, cunt on its own is fine but you can't beat a good Fuck, I dare anyone to say you can't beat a good fuck, but if you beat a good cunt you won't get a Fuck and you'd be Fucked but not really.

Real men and Old Knudsen say Fuck, he will say Cunt only after too much exposure to the lesser races.

I could of went for a picture of Bush as his name is also a name for a cunt but no, I went for another universally known Cunt Donald Rumsfeld, I'm sure the men and women fighting the sand savages would agree, who wants a boss that doesn't give a shit about his workers? give him a M 14 and send him out to patrol in an unarmoured Hummer.

Bush stood by Michael Brown of Fema and said what a good job he was doing with New Orleans and he is doing the same with Don, if you voted for Bush the first time, get someone to punch you in the back of the head, if you voted for him the second time just kill yourself, then again there wasn't much choice.

Old Knudsen demands the resignation of Rumsfeld or his sacking, and an apology for being late for 2 World Wars, and those responsible for not one but three Fast and the Furious films to be executed, I will await your answer Bush, you have 10 of your Earth minutes to decide.

Rumsfeld is a Cunt, but Hitler was a Fucker.

Hitler was also a junkie that farted alot,
his favourite word was 'Cunt'.

To quote his famous speech at Leipzig, "Ich bin ein Cunt!, ya das ist gute".

He aspired to be a Cunt as fucker is worse but he wasn't fooling anyone, well
except the nation of Germany and Neville Chamberlain.

If Hitler got his german grammar fucked up give him a break, he was from Austria, G'day mate.

Tuesday, 10 October 2006

Sean Penn, two four letter words.

Old Knudsen doesn't make threats, he makes promises, heres your Sean fucking wank dog Penn post--------as promised, who cares if you wanted it or not? read it then fuck off.
Its been said that Sean Penn is one of the most talented actors of his generation, well Old Knudsen never said it, I can't stand the man, he gives off an air like hes so serious and intense every hour of the day, when I see that wee shite I just want to make a load of jokes at his expense that hes not going to get so he'll end up getting angry and trashes his hotel room because hes not as smart as he thinks he is, yeah Mr Penn intense that.
He made his feature debut in the 1981 film Taps, I actually like that one, it was the energetic Tom Cruise that made it for me, what ever happened to him? oh yeah, brain washing.

I remember in the mid 80's the papers always had pictures of an angry Penn charging the Paparazzi and punching them to the ground, when was the last time you saw a photographer hit back? they may be annoying but lay of the coke Bullyboy.
Back then Madonna was hot, and as soon as she was tainted with the festering lice ridden cock of Mr Penn she lost her sex appeal and that movie Shanghai Surprise didn't help, how many shit films will it take Madonna? you are crap! no talented actor husband or talented director husband will change that.

Casualties of war was a good one, not because of Penn, but Michael J Fox and the whole scary situation they were in, Penn does excel at playing thoroughly unlikable characters, maybe a little too well, is it all acting?
What about that piece of necrotic tissue 'We're no Angels' ? Penn and De Niro were trying too see who could do the most silliest faces in a most unfunny comedy, my blog is funnier and this blog is shite, I'm not even going to mention 'I am Sam' ok well maybe I will, how many people went to see it just to laugh at a tard? nothing wrong with that, what other reason would God put them here but for us to laugh at?
I don't care about Mystic river, if Clint Eastwood has anything to do with a movie, he had better have a tough cop with an over powerful handgun or he can fuck off, oh and sound bites, "do ya feel lucky punk?"
21 grams was kinda depressing, but Old Knudsen did notice that Penn totally put Naomi Watts' erect nipple into his mouth, now that's what I call talented acting, I can picture Penn all intense talking over the scene " you know Naomi, I think it would totally help the scene if you let me suck your nipples ride you hard and then I give you a Dirty Sanchez"
When New Orleans got some water damage due to being built in a really stupid place the world was asking,"where is Sean Penn? he'll save those poor uneducated barely able to speak the English language people" , Sean, being intense got a boat and a shotgun (to shoot Quails I suppose) and motored around pulling folks out of the water, I'm sure he could of afforded 10 boats or one really big one and a helicopter, "what do you know Old Knudsen? you weren't there" screams Mr Penn, no I wasn't, I was sitting in Fema HQ wondering if the alarm bell meant an emergency or its lunchtime, I voted for lunch.

Old Knudsen likes to sit up late and watch the Oscars, no Sammy, that doesn't mean I'm Gay, did you see that dress kate Winslet was wearing? Vera Wang sure out did herself, anyway when Chris Rock decided to pitch all the jokes at Johnny black fellow forgetting its the Jews that run things he made a comment about Jude Law, to paraphrase, "who is this Jude Law? hes been in everything and comments on all the posts" no wait that's Kieran, anyway, it was an amusing joke, unless you're a stuck up serious actor, Sean Penn came on next and said, "Jude law is a fine and talented actor that's who he is" , c'mon, grow a sense of humour, Kieran took it in good spirit, well except for those nasty e-mails but that was the crayons talking.
I recently read an article about Jude Law, he took the comment that Rock made and formed a grudge that he still holds, well Mr Nanny, you 're a dopey cunt , being pretty won't help you, if you're a total wanker.
Expect to read about Jude Law in the next 18 months.

Just to finish Sean Penn off, I would like to see if the sword is mightier than the Penn, a cage match, him and me, I know he reads this Blog, I get the sword as I'm just and old feeble man with one leg and hemorrhoids.


Well done Mr Knudsen, a fine post, but when we meet next time, I shall kill you.

Monday, 9 October 2006

Dictator Time.

Dictators for some reason get a very bad reputation , some call them cruel, evil and mad, well who doesn't get called that from time to time? I was watching the news, it had an interview with the president of Syria, a Dr Bashar Al Assad, he did in no way look like Hitler, Mussolini, Franco or Idi Amin , the man looked like a pencil necked dork, he was very sensible and well spoken, not condemning any one nation by name just condemning those who are occupying Muslim countries, this guy is an Eye Doctor, and doesn't really fit in with a country the yanks use to scare prisoners with, "tell us what we need to know or we'll send you to Syria and they'll torture it out of you".
Dr Assad , you don't scare Old Knudsen, I've been to the NHS I know what fear is, you can't even grow a real moustache, a dictator that has a pathetic excuse for a moustache is to be mocked.

In this picture he looks like something out of 'Allo Allo'.

Congratulations Kim Jong Ill, I know you had a little trouble getting your Taepo Dong missile up in the past, now you've got the world attention you've been craving, you crazy little Asian midget Elvis you, everyone is scared shitless, all having nukes means is that you can blow things up (which is cool) threaten to blow things up for more foreign aid (which is cunning) and you won't get invaded by America (which is trendy) lets give every crazy as fuck country the nuke and get this party started.

This is Lil Kim doing his 'Apocalypse chow' impression, "I wanted a menu and for my sins they gave me one".

Sunday, 8 October 2006

Ireland, Wet And Dirty, Just Like My Gunties.

There are none better at slagging off Ireland and the Irish than the Irish themselves, its a part of Celtic culture, you slagg someone off and they return the compliment, the first to lose their temper or get flustered or can't think of a reply loses, theres none more quick witted than a celt,(Welsh don't and can't count) we'll call you all the names of the day and when you go off to sulk and cry we'll be baffled, didn't they see the glint in my eye? calling someone you are friendly with a wanker or a ballbag is totally acceptable, of course if you don't know them prepare to get decked.
I've decided to let some dead and some not as much dead Irish people do the work for a change, heres some quotes that are true today as they were whenever they were thought of.
Now Old Knudsen isn't going soft on the Mucksavages, I am well aware that being Scottish I share some Bogtrotter blood though a lot of it has come out in my shit recently (Blog = shit with blood) so I am well qualified to taunt the Fenian Fuckers until the cows come home.

Samuel Beckett

My advice to you concerning applause is this: enjoy it but never quite believe it.

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.

George Bernard Shaw

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way: by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.

An Englishman does everything on principle: he fights you on patriotic principles; he robs you on business principles; he enslaves you on imperial principles.

Put an Irishman on the spit and you can always get another Irishman to turn him.

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen
naked women to get to a bottle of stout. Anonymous

For an Irishman, talking is a dance. Deborah Love

My one claim to originality among Irishmen is that I have never made a speech. George Moore

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. Gerald Kersh

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. Harold Nicolson

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. James Stephens

Maybe it's bred in the bone, but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven to some of us. Nancy O'Keeefe

I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish. Marianne Moore