I met Kieran from 'The Full Stop' a few of weeks ago when he commented on my then obscure and not yet discovered by more than 4 people Blog, his first messages had to be deleted as children might be reading this and the things he wanted to do to Sooty were just wrong, since then hes cleaned himself up and has all but kicked his crayon habit, he had a little relapse the other day but hes over it, always the ' Spring Green ' don't worry lad, one day at a time.
Another addiction I've noticed about Kieran is his prolific commenting, I was looking at Blogs from Mongolia and on the 33 blogs, all written in Khalkha Mongol, Turkic and Russian, Kieran had commented on them all and had even set one up about the virtures of Yak Husbandry, (I hope that means what I think it means) a newly discovered Polynesian tribe knew Kieran as their God, they had carved the tribe's history onto a giant rock and at the bottom was Kieran's comments.
The CIA sent a secret memo to Dick Cheney to give his approval on 10 assassinations of top politic figures and at the bottom was Kieran's comments.
I was halfway through writing a post the other night and Kieran had already commented on it.
Kieran is a good lad, well except for all those things he did in the past, but now hes mostly good, he tickles me no end (not tickles my end) with his witty and often surreal comments, hes like the son I forgot to beat, I believe I got my Boy Toy through Kieran's blog, a match made in heaven.
When asked what a template was Kieran replied, "An unpunctual short term employee".
The picture above shows Kieran wasted, slumped against his own crayon handywork, if you ever see him like this don't put 20p into his outstretched hand, don't be an enabler.
If you haven't checked out 'The Full Stop' yet then go fuck off and do so, wasting my time by reading this shite indeed, remember hes a musican so expect drugs and vomit but tell me if you see any crayons, his sphincter muscles no longer work thanks to an O.D. of Cornflower Blue, for God's sake don't mention it.
Saturday, 30 September 2006
Friday, 29 September 2006
Old Knudsen knows genius when he sees it, so trust Old Knudsen and check this out, probably the best bit of Blogging of all time, this young man has a future ahead of him and a possible marriage,(you'll have to be the woman, sorry lad, my last name my rules) so go visit or I'll cough all over you.
Why the picture? well I thought my Blog needed some wrestling Scotsmen.
Thursday, 28 September 2006
First the LPs went, then the cassettes, going are the video tapes and soon CDs and DVDs
what the fuck do you put into an ipod? in 10 years music and movies will be beamed straight into our heads, the people will complain about the adverts that the companies claim they need to pay for services while they bump up their prices, Tivo for your brain.
Babies will be born with cell phones built onto their ears due to the constant use by their parents, and when they walk in on their parents shagging they can use their phones to take pictures of it to look at and retraumatize themselves with later.
The milestones of babies will be their first text message spelled in abbreviations of course.
Old people will talk of a time when they can remember that cell phones only made phone calls, and they were as big as a computer mouse, (whats a computer mouse Grandpa?)
Therapy will be an automated system.
Press 1 for your mother's a whore.
Press 2 for your mother's a whore but you're fine with it.
Press 3 for our suicide hotline and a leave a message .
Press 5 for we don't want to hear it, just have some meds.
Or press 6 for no medical coverage, don't waste our time and you will be returned to the menu.
Wednesday, 27 September 2006
Old Knudsen doesn't watch his T.V. with the sound turned all the way up so loud that people outside can guess how much the items will be on the Antiques Roadshow, I'm not deaf yet but I do prefer to use captions for the hard of hearing.
The transcribers on some of the programmes either leave parts out or just give up, swear words may be blocked from the sound but sometimes you can still read them, do these people typing away drink alot? if Old Knudsen can tell when something is spelt wrongly then it must be bad, here are some examples.
On the weather report they foretold a 'chance of rape' I bathed and clipped me toenails but Old Knudsen was left sad and unmolested, then there was the 'nature of the STBLX' what the fuck? word verification again? now I didn't do much book learnin but I'm pretty sure that's not a word, work these ones out.
'The man cop rated', 'The woman and her Todd lir', '200 beards recovered' and has anyone ever said to you, "its smell like something crawled up you and died?" (I get it all the time) well the captions have a name for it 'Die Rearia'.
Tuesday, 26 September 2006
Hot from the Headlines, well week old news but its still a bit warm.
The devil has been at it again, hes relying on how stupid mankind is to get away with his evil plans, and so am I , my Blog is like the Da Vinci code, full of hidden meaning and in jokes as well as full of shit, only the mad and the brilliant can get it, oh and young blind children and dogs.(no the dogs don't have to be blind)
Back to Satan, Prince of lies, Old Nick, Old Horny, Old Knudsen, Lusty dick and the Jammy Dodger, he wants you not to believe the word of God so instead of putting up billboards and putting ads in the 'Big Issue' he buries bones and tricks people (aided by Scientists the devil's minions) into thinking the world is 60 million years old instead of 5000 years that the bible says it is , pure evil and kinda vague I'm sure you'll agree.
In Ethiopia they discovered a near complete 3.3 million year old skeleton of a 3 year old girl part human part ape, well maybe the dirty Ethiopians were breeding with monkeys otherwise its the devil, I wouldn't throw either theory out, if you will breed with Arabs you'll breed with monkeys, no offense to any readers that are dirty Camel jockeys.
Well the skeleton was then mixed in with bones stolen off dead bodies in America and sold to various NHS trusts for transplants , so there is a general recall on bones, if anyone has the October 2005 through to September 2006 models then you are a little bit fucked as many hospitals won't even tell you about the possible infection from stolen/dodgy bones, but don't worry, your family can sue when you're dead, its an odd world we live in, I've heard of recalls for cars, toasters, cell phones and even politicians but never bones, which leads me to a question, why don't they call it death insurance rather than life insurance ?
Monday, 25 September 2006
I was reading a non news story from about a month ago (I'm a slow reader) it was about Princess Diana's (wasn't she lovely) brother Charles Spencer who was seriously beat up by his friend. Spencer it seems made a pass at the guy's wife 13 years ago and he just found out from her now, ah love and marriage.
Well Old Knudsen doesn't give a shit about those upper class inbred twits and the Spencers are all tossers (except for Di because she was lovely) I just wanted to highlight the friend's name, Darius Guppy, what a cool in a twaty way name, also I read some words that just seemed so funny put together, 'allegedly fell victim to the violent onslaught of Darius Guppy' .
I suppose if your name is Darius Guppy you'd have to be a good fighter and you're sure to be angry.
Heres one way to attract foreign visitors to your Blog, insult them, its like mopping a floor, as soon as you do people will want to walk over it.
You German fuckers with your big beers, get the fuck off my Blog and take your oversized beach towels too.
Old Knudsen hasn't forgotten how your press called Princess Di, 'Princess knobbly knees' , and to think I felt bad at giving Sir Arthur 'Bomber' Harris the idea for the Saturation bombing of Cologne and Dresden, well actually I didn't feel that bad.
It must be fate that they named their daughter 'Di' and that Mr Harrod (from Harrod's) named his son Dodo, and now they are no more, if you have a child, be sure to call them Diamond or taxes or bad Blog, for those go on forever.
Sunday, 24 September 2006
Old men having sex with young hot weeman isn't yucky or creepy, well as long as its me doing the shagging, but that Hugh Heffner fella even makes Old Knudsen's stomach bubble, you wondered what that smell was.
Who are you to judge? I hear you say and I say "fuck off ", away and feed the homeless, what are you a candidate for canonization? why wait till you're dead, if you have the time I have the artillery. HA!
Hugh Heffner's life has been based thinking what will make men wank, don't get me wrong, Old Knudsen is a total wanker, in fact you lot should watch what you say in the comments you make it way too easy for me sometimes.
Wanking may be a much needed service, how many crimes have been committed just because the criminal had one in the chamber?, those poor crooks probably didn't know why they were angry.
Hugh has paid his mortgage with the jizz of millions of Handymen, he is a Master- bater , a Wank Lord, a Jizzinator.
He has a mansion that he fills with young firm bodied big false juggly women more than half his age all consenting to be his sex slaves, on the surface this seems like everyman's wet dream but they all look the same, boob jobs a ton of eyeliner, deep tissue tan and bleached blonde hair, is that what his mother looked like per chance?
Hes having Vanilla all the time, Old Knudsen would have alsorts of tasty tarts, and with brains, it reminds me of a programme called 'Dream On', the lead guy says,"I want a woman I can talk too" the other guy says,"what do you want to talk to her for?".
Sex Slave to an Old wrinkly geezer with pajamas full of piss stains who can't remember your name as you rub him while he pops little blue pills and watches two other clones make out, sounds hot right? not at all sleazy, definitely worth the chance of a photo in a magazine, Old Knudsen has no Harem of bimbos with low esteem or no celebrity parties or a mansion to hold them in but he has never had to pay for it , well except that time in Bangkok but that turned out to not really be a girl so that didn't count, damn those sexy little girlyboys.
I hear women complaining about men all the time. (mostly about me, on my blog)
You can't pick up some food from the floor and pop it into your mouth , scratch yer lad in public or ask what your wife is making for dinner while shes in her 30th hour of labour without them taking a pointy about it, women are indeed a touchy lot, why can't they just accept that we're animals?
Men are like eating in a KFC, the place is dirty as fuck, the woman might try to clean it with a hanky (staff are too busy avoiding eye contact with customers) but it will just go back to being dirty when she isn't there.
Like men the food tastes minging, the odd time you'll get something good and that's what you'll remember, and no matter how many horrible out of time meals you have you'll think about the time when the chicken strips were tender and less than 4 hours old and the chips were actually hot, you'll keep coming back in the hope to get that again and you won't really be surprised when its the usual shite, you'll crave the gravey and chunky coleslaw, once its in your system you're hooked, you won't hear this from the old whores on Sex and the city.
I think its safe to say that both men and women are idiots.
Saturday, 23 September 2006
You may of heard of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, that's the monument that has 4 of the greatest presidents ever carved/exploded onto the side of a mountain, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and Larry 'Buster' Crabbe, it was made in the years 1927 to 1941 which explains why the Yanks were late for a little thing called World War 2, a mere 15 miles away they are doing a bigger sculpture of Crazy Horse but that one is hardly done at all, give them a break they only started in 1948. (Americans, the Mexicans would get it done)
Well anyway there are some Lakota (Sioux to you John Wayne fans) that call themselves 'The Defenders of the Black Hills' they are all, these hills are sacred to our people, oh c'mon Injuns don't really get on like that they all play Blackjack now and make a fortune from the dumb white people in their Casinos , just do what we did in the good old days, give them firewater and some rifles that kept them quiet, well not really quiet, they are all upset that right in the middle of their sacred hills, in fact stuck on the side of said sacred hills are 4 white guys that took their land, one Lakota compared it to putting up a statue of Hitler in Jerusalem, well I think the Jews are a lot more open minded than a bunch of savage, er Native Redskins, so anyway, Lakota get over it, you got beat and the US still gave you nice little parcels of land with lovely names like Rosebud and a good view of the monument and they named both the North and South states of Dakota sort of after your people, Kevin Costner gave you parts in his movies so gurn up.
Due to certain radical elements on this Blog, I will do away with word verification for the time being, I'm sorry that they have spoiled a enjoyable part of your blogging experience, well ok, to be honest it was getting on me tits too, I must have some Spam bot in me jeans, er genes as those silly letters made no sense half the time, if I do delete any comments it will probably be spam, Foot Eater , Dr Maroon or 'Me' if she ever appears again, so don't think I've gone all BBC, Old Knudsen doesn't give a shit, but he does care for his viewers, remember my door is always open but no flash photography.
Friday, 22 September 2006
Old Knudsen has had many jobs, each work place usually has its own share of arseholes.
There are none so deceptive and slimy as the soul-less sales rep. One sales rep in particular was named George, he was wholesome with soft shiny floppy hair and a broad smile, George had bashed the bible a bit too many times, he was one of those Christian types that never swore or drink, always active in his church and even goes as far as to wear show your nads, Steve Irwin short shorts and become a Scout troop leader, all very disturbing, this was all show as I've said sales reps don't have souls.
George made plenty mistakes at work but would lie or blame others to get out of it, I named him the Teflon man, he was so hated by his fellow workers that when he left his cell phone in the restroom it was teabagged around the mouth piece, followed by giggles later on when seen using it.
George lied and brown nosed his way up in the company, incase you were wondering, we sold blankets infected with smallpox to the Indians (lovely quality) it gets very cold in some parts of India so I saw it as more of a service than a business.
George has a place in Old Knudsen's head right beside Aqua and the Venga Boys songs, he had this really fucking god awful habit of finishing everything he said with,"so he did" or "so it was" sometimes upon George saying a sentence he would pause, and for that moment you would be paralyzed, waiting for him to say it, because you knew it was coming, so you would, argh! with enough exposure to George you may start saying it yourself, so you might, or if you are strong enough you can keep the stupid useless add on line in your head and just mentally add it on , don't think about it too much or you'll start doing it ---------------- so you will.
I don't call for violence often (3 times a day isn't much) but those people that say 'so it was' and theres more of them along with the people that when you come back from the crapper will say,"so you're back" , kill them and make sure they know why.
Those people that say, "cheer up it may never happen" well it might, so don't jinx me you perky Mary Tyler Moore with your Laura Ashley print super hero cape and that little silly looking soul patch on your chin or madam did you miss that while shaving, you leper licking Blurt.
And then there was silence and mothers held on to their children and edged away from the ranting Viking.
The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"
Thursday, 21 September 2006
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (not Hugo Boss as formerly stated) gave a speech to the UN calling President Bush the Devil and making the sign of the cross in that I'm Catholic and so dramatic kind of way and saying that Bush talked like he owned the World, No Mr Chav, that's whats known as the American way.
Bush had addressed the UN the day before, Chavez complained that the smell of sulfur still hung in the air, well done Mr Bush on the lingering capacity of your farts, or staying on the Latin theme did you give the microphone the Dirty Sanchez?
Condoleezza Rice took the Victor Mature route and said Chavez's remarks were not becoming a head of state, and wouldn't dignify them with a response, that was after 2 hours trying to think of one.
Rice did however point out that at their table they only had a junior note-taker as was customary when governments like that speak, this may sound bitchy but really shows that Chavez is right and America doesn't care what anyone has to say.
Chav may be a ball licking suck off a commie while wanking an Islamic extremist kind of guy but hes amusing in a talk out your arse sort of way, anyone that Pat Robertson wants killed can't be all bad .
Chavez said (it was a packed 23 min speech) an Alfred Hitchcock movie could use the whole Bush scenario as a plot entitled 'The Devil's Recipe" (is it the way it's cooked or the herbs and spices?) I'm sorry to inform you Mr Chavez (who reads this blog) but Hitchcock is dead, that movie 'Hitch' was a Wil Smith film about dating, Hitch being the character's name, clever huh? a little like the movie I've written called Justice, with Sam Justice as a tough PI, I was going to make him blind but 'Blind Justice' just sounded silly.
Chavez is a man of charity, his own country and those around it may be always in the shitter but hes good enough to give millions of gallons of oil to poor America families, they would rather have food or money as they can't afford to refine the oil and it blocks their driveways so they can't park their SUVs, but its the thought that counts, maybe Iran, Syria and Cuba aren't crazy oppressive fucked in the head countries after all, any friend of your's Mr chavez.
In his speech he called Bush the Devil 8 times, you know Mr Chav just because you say it 8 times in a high pitched voice doesn't make it true, Old Knudsen can say this once and you can bet your life on it, "Bush is a Dickhead", and don't insult the Devil like that.
Wednesday, 20 September 2006
I heard on the news that scientists have developed a sunless tan for mice, this not only looks hot but helps to protect them against cancer, it just goes to show you what Old Knudsen has been saying, Scientists and that Science thing they do is a load of wank, why should the mice be the ones that are going about all bronzed with grafted tanned ears on their backs? I really don't give a fuck how vain mice are and I really don't give a shit about the cancer risk to mice either, mice are only good for one thing and that's feeding Snakes, and I fucking hate Snakes.
I sleep at night beside henry,
I bend him in two, ready to fill him up,
I know hes dangerous but he makes me feel safe,
I reach out and touch his hard wood stock,
Remembering the thrill of him shooting his load,
Peppering all that's in front of him,
Hes loud and gets in people's faces,
But when I hold him tight no one else matters,
He has his triggers, we all do,
I like to make him explode,
Then I clean him off.
Tuesday, 19 September 2006
Old Knudsen found himself swamped with over 140 visitors today, and I hadn't even hoovered me blog, it appears that my 'I'm a Red Rocketman' post struck a cord with Celtic fans and a link to Old Knudsen was put up on the Fans Forum on the BBC.co.uk message boards, I'm always glad to see people as bitter as me and I can also recognize genius when I see it, this was posted by 'Tommytwists TommyTurns TommyBurns'.
Golden Brown mad dog Adair
Shines his heed cos he,s no hair
Gardens uphill in the Shankhill
Touches his toes up his mate goes
Never a frown with golden brown
Sunday, 17 September 2006
Did I ever mention about the time I was a Movie Actor? not a serious one it was just one of the many past-times I've had, acting, wanking ponies and falling out of moving cars, these are a few of my favourite things.
Everyone knows that Jews run Hollywood right? well I stumbled onto a plan to brainwash the world into loving Jews, now you're thinking that Old Knudsen is on the paint thinners again but no, I have proof.
I am not a big Hollywood star, that's my proof, if it wasn't for the Jews blacklisting me I would have been a star and you all know it, ever wonder why I'm writing a Blog that's only read by junkies, Pimps and their whores, instead of being the next Bond and adopting 3rd world babies, makes sense now right?
Ever hear of Sam Goldwyn of MGM ? that fucker was at the top of it and I'm pretty sure Orson Welles was his lackey, if you can't get Jewish actors into the roles, then put fake snouts on the gentiles, Orson or werepig boy as I called him claimed he wore a fake nose as his was so small, it would make sense but so does flossing and I'm not going to start doing that.
I walked into a nose fitting during the making of the movie Beau Geste, Gary Cooper and Ray Miland charged at me, fists were flying everywhere, I gave as good as I got until Susan Hayward hit me from behind with a plank (2X4 for you yanks) fucking whore.
I was taken to Goldwyn's private island of Sodor where they had a huge nose making factory, they tortured me for minutes before I finally told them everything, if you think this blog is long and rambling you should have heard me then.
They secured me to a small platform and preceded to lower me into a pool of man hating feminists, that's when Goldwyn told me his plan, he would nose Hollywood and then the world, soon fake noses, circumcision and Matzo balls would be everywhere, Israel would belong to the Jews again and they would become terrible but loved in a sick brainwashed way masters of the Earth.
Fuck that platform was taking it's time.
He gave an evil laugh, muttered something about going to stroke some pussy and left, giving me just enough privacy and time to escape, I blew up the factory making a witty quip about them needing nose jobs then I stole one of their fighter jets and got away, fuck I was smooth, now I'm not too good with the landings so I ejected, I'm really sorry to all those people that weren't fast enough to avoid the jet, hardly my fault now was it lard asses.
Now everytime an actor wears a fake nose or worse still gets an oscar for it that's the Jews showing me that they still have the power.
I couldn't work in the States or in a lot of England, I got a part under an assumed name in 'Take the high road' Mr Sneddon slapped me about and pushed me into a ditch, my bit got cut as soon as they found out who I was. I worked on Akira Kurosawa and Sergio Leone films, foreign crap really until in the mid 90's Mel Gibson was looking for Scottish warriors
types to do a movie called Wild at heart, no sorry Braveheart, maybe you haven't heard of it, Mel knew my story as it was now a Hollywood legend told in whispers around empty movie lots to scare young actors, he didn't give a fuck, they start all the wars he was fond of saying.
One night Mel promised me a cut of the profits as I was his best fucking mate, yeah we drank a lot , I never got a cheque so I assumed the movie bombed, just as I thought, I told him the period was too late to paint our faces blue and where is the bridge at the battle of Sterling? he never listened, if he had I might have been rich.
We filmed a lot in Ireland, the Irish army were used to fill in for warriors, who knew the Irish had an army? they must of liked pretending to beat the English, or to beat anyone.
During the kilt lifting scene if you're fast you can see my fine muscled arse, its the really hairy white one with the Dangle berries or lunch as I call them.
After Braveheart Mel's roles dried up, only crap was offered, Lethal weapon 4, Chicken Run and Signs to give examples, he had enough, he was determined to make the passion of the Christ showing how the Jews killed Jesus (well they did) Mel promised me a role as the old ethnic guy # 4, I told him I had better have healthcare as I had already worn out 3 pairs of hips.
Shifting in power behind the scenes drove Mel to start drinking again, I got a late night drunken phone call saying that he was fighting to stay in control of his own movie the Jews
were able to call some of the shots and I was out of a job, to rub salt into Old Knudsen's wounds Jesus would wear a fake nose, a total fuck you Knudsen.
Mel tried to get even by adding extra blood and making it gruesome, but he was now their bitch, first Jesus, then Old Knudsen and then Mel.
I don't mean to sound anti-symmetrical, but any nation of fanatical dick mutilating nutters who make the Arabs around them look good is scary, and one last thing to Nicole Kidman, it was the nose, not the acting that got noticed, you performing monkey puppet girl.
Why is it that if you say anything anti-jewish you're a hate filled anti-symmetric but if you stand up in the cinema and shout that Schindler's list anti-nazi you get booed? it just shows you who is in charge.
Mr Foot Eater, I slowed down with the posts, it took me 3 hours to type this one, is that slow enough?
Saturday, 16 September 2006
I love Vinegar, I drink it, I drown food in it, I worship it, the smell arouses me in ways small puppy dogs don't, put some vegetables in it and you have Pickles, I love Pickles, Hayward's mixed Pickles ARE better than sex, my favourite are the cauliflower ones, but its close between the gherkins and onions, just a little chilled and they are perfect, also a nice jar of pickled Cockles or Mussels.
I also love Piccalilli, in a ham sandwich, yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy, Big Pickled Onions and Pickled red cabbage, did I say yummy yummy yummy yummy ? I liked my Mother but I love Pickles.
However Uma Thurman is a freaky looking mingbag.
Old Knudsen had a good day yesterday, first I awoke with the images from a great dream still in my head, it had to do with a naked Gloria Hunniford obeying my every whim, I'd use that woman's shite for toothpaste . I walked round most of the day with a limp and it wasn't to do with my wooden leg, my postman (Pat) had a box he couldn't fit through the letterbox so he knocked the door, when I answered he yelled, "oh my god its a mircale, your leg is growing back" and hes a man that knows about packages.
If you want to know whats in the box ask Billy, someone called Dirk Diggler has his mail delivered here and billy collects it for him, I think Mr Diggler must be Dutch as the parcels are always from Holland, its a part of the British nature to help clueless foreigners, one of the many reasons my Blog has an international flavour.
Me being in a good mood wasn't the only reason my day was good, my rash has started to clear up, ( give me a week ladies and then wey hey) and I found a bottle of Smirnoff hanging from a string outside my bedroom window, I'd obviously forgotten all about that, fuck ya Billy I beat you this time.
Well Old Knudsen wants to get closer to his peeps so I've taken a few surveys for unbiased honest opinions to find the man that is Old Knudsen.
One of the questions was,' which best describes you, male or female?', I know its 2004 and all but there is only the one or the other, chicks with dicks doesn't count as that's CGI or makeup, I wonder what ever happened to that pretty wee thing from the crying game, probably has 10 kids by now.
Billy one ear used to consider me a metro sexual, he thought it meant a guy that follows men into public restrooms and fondle them while they pee, now I only did that once and that was mistaken identity, I don't know where he comes up with such things.
Old Knudsen uses LifeBuoy soap, Brut aftershave and green or orange gel from the pound shop so I am a bit of a metro sexual, what can I say, real men use products.
The first survey I took was to see if I was a slacker mum.
Well Old Knudsen has had more kids than he can remember (if you're one of them no offense) I used coloured tags to keep track of them once but I soon lost interest, I blame my ADHD, Schizophrenic paranoia and the hemorrhoids don't help either, what was I saying? oh yeah, fucking Poodles, the way they look down their long snouts at you with their foo foo hair, judging you and waiting for a sign of weakness, and why are they called 'toy' poodles, I've seen them move they are bloody real, they are also snappy wee cunts so I wouldn't give them to a child as a toy, oh that's what I was talking about children, I've changed the odd nappy in my time, I know which end to wipe and which end to feed. (80% sucess rate)
Old Knudsen's tip for a happier life.
Do all the unpleasant jobs badly so your wife takes over in disgust and later when you offer to do it (a bluff) she never lets you near it.
Well lucky that wasn't in the survey.
I'm a pretty in the city mum, when I'm at Bloomingdales getting an easter outfit for my middle aged son Trevor I may just treat myself to a pair of Manolo Blahniks, you know that's just so me.
The next survey was about Old knudsen's hotness, my hotness score was 202, I don't know what that means but it sounds high, no surprise there.
I enjoy movies, good food and a fine wine from a good year, well if its free I'll drink it, I did buy a box of wine from Tesco's last year, Billy went around calling me Lord Muck from Muckingham Palace, it didn't stop him from drinking half of it, as for good food, who the fuck likes bad food? (say the Brits and I'll cut ya)
The last survey was to gauge my Blogging IQ, this one was spot on, it called me a Blog Guru, I go from the Blogosphere to Substance, wow but Old Knudsen hasn't hit the big time yet but who cares? my Blog is a service to Mankind, Womankind also but they know it all and never listen, lets hope now with these surveys you see me as a friend, in that case can you lend me a tenner till next week? hey don't click next blog, away and fuck then, you and your little Vespa, I hope that Poodles eat your eyes out, you licker of small stones, you need your brightness adjusted and I'm just the guy to do it.
The bottle of Smirnoff actually had paint thinners in it, that was Billy's wee joke, I got half way throught it before I realised, I finished it out of spite and the fact that I was out of my tree, not too bad actually, I don't cough up that much blood.
Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech entitled, Faith, Reason and the University Memories and Reflections.
A lot of it was the usual stuff involving beer chugging Toga parties and passing around semi conscious girls, he told about how his faith was strong even back then when he refused to wear condoms, "don't worry, I'll pull out", if you can't trust ex Hitler youth then who can you trust?
I really don't know what the Pope would know about 'reason' it doesn't really figure into Christianity much, I should know this, being Presbyterian we're told to leave the thinking to God, why else would we have a rule book? (Ian Paisley being his rep on Earth) the Pope went on to talk about reason, "because I said so" that's a good reason ,I suppose.
Heres when it all went a little pear shaped, the Pope who likes German Schnapps a lot started to feel the effect of the 6 shots he took before he addressed the crowd, you know what hes like, he starts thinking hes the Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus, as soon as he started talking about the winter barracks near Ankara in 1391 all his bald headed Papal handlers said "holy shit, here he goes again", they still remember the time when he said, "you know, Hitler had the right idea", a real show stopper especially during a speech about the Holocaust.
Bene baby (in the words of the Emperor) said that Muhammad only brought evil and inhumanity to the religion, such as saying spread the word of his faith by the sword, he then went and ignored a lot of the old testament by saying violence is incompatible with the nature of God, of course he was long winded and boring about the whole thing, then as the Schnapps started to wear off he got a headache, he finished with, we are right, everyone else is wrong, fuck the prods God is love, thankyou Regensburg goodnight.
Way to go Pontiff, if there is anyone that needs to be pissed off more its the crazy Muslims, let me guess, they ranted and raved and burned a few things, you know if someone really
wanted to piss them off they would distribute flame retardant flags and spoil their mood, they might even think it was Allah, those flip flop wearing 3rd world camel shaggers will believe anything, well all Muslim leaders are condemning the pope's remarks, comparing him to the usual Hitler and Mussolini, that seems to be a constant trend, well I'm comparing you Muslims to Catholics, now go throw some stones and blow up shit, you already did the hunger strike at Guantanamo Bay, did you remember to smear your shit all over your own sleeping quarters, boy that taught the Brits a lesson, "oh no, hes lying in shit, we must do something, oh that's me tea break see ya in 15 mins Bobby ya fat smelly fucker".
Reacting to the Pope's speech.
Goefuke Youssef a muslim cleric and renowned 40's swing dancer and flag shop owner said, what does that fucker know? Islam is a religion of peace, this makes me so fucking mad, I'm gonna go home for some angry sex with my oppressed wife, roughly, from behind like a camel, then I'm going to burn something relevant.
During the trials of Oj (the juice) Simpson (DOH!) and Michael (jesus juice) Jackson the Nation of Islam was always mouthing off to the cameras, those silly looking creepy dickie bowed black men had plenty to say, well they seem to be keeping their heads down now,
I wonder if they support innocent Black men too, or just the obviously guilty ones? that says a lot, maybe the Pope should try this angle.
Friday, 15 September 2006
Let me talk about the good old days, a time when wives understood that a man had to spend hours away from the family home spending the rent money at the pub.
A time when your wife was delivering your child, and when the wee fucker eventually popped out you could all light up cigars in the hospital (even the doctor) and then you'd take the rent money to the pub to celebrate, none of this ,"do you want to hold your child?" business.
You had 20 Shillings in a pound, 12 pence to a Shilling, a Florin was 2s a Crown was 5s, then you had a Bob,Groat,Tanner and Farthing, things made sense back then.
The footballers were 60 year old men with shorts to their feet, "fuck my broken hip, I'm playing" now players head butt you in the chest, I mean the chest?" tell me class, why do we not head butt people in the chest? "YOU BOY!, eating the foot", "A blow to the Thorax would be exceedingly innocuous at best, though you would have to be a total cunt to do it during a World Cup match " exactly! no need to roll around the ground as if you've just been stabbed like some girly boy, put them both in the ring.
Which leads me to the present , everyone is afraid to hurt each other's feelings nevermind hit them for fear of getting sued, back in the day you could rough up a shop owner and threaten to petrol bomb the place for protection money.
I signed up for a free 60 day virus protection trial program, I'm worried about the sort of people I talk too on the Interweb, dirty scummy fuckers that like to sit in corners and stroke wall paper patterns they are. I was happily surfing away and a box pops up on me screen, we've saved you from 72818 viruses, oh my god, I'm scared now, they're all out to get me, dirty Arbroath whores, you only have 29 days left, do you want to renew now or later?
What? 29 days? fuck off, the Nazis didn't frighten me (well a little) so come back in 28 days and I'll think about it .
Being a friendly sort, I open all my e-mails even if I don't know who sent it, you wouldn't open just half of your letters now would you?
I got this e-mail from a Mr Moussa Keita from some African bank, a rich American died in a plane crash 7 years ago and left 8.5 million in his bank, now the time limit is almost up to claim it so Mr Keita contacted the main man Old Knudsen to pretend to be a next of kin, he must be my African reader, how else would he know that Old Knudsen is a Gangsta?
So me as the next of kin, yeah that would work, here have my Post Office account number, and some flash money for expenses, 40% of 8.5 million will be worth it, fuck off.
I somehow think that lawyers ::::spits:::: and family would of tracked the money down, from experience I've noticed that family become like vultures when someone carks it, taking everything they can, its part of the grieving process, if it were in the middle east we'd tear Granny apart also.
Thugs, have some self respect, the Interweb is for pissing people off and downgrading porn, put on a mask, come around with a gun or a large knife you fuckers, but don't come around during Coronation Street, young people, don't know they're born.
Thursday, 14 September 2006
Films and television shows had become dumbed down, repeated old reworked formulas
designed for the less picky, rehashed sequels , here are some ways they trick you into paying to watch shite.
Sensationalism, take 2 manly guys and make them gay.
Rely on likeability and star power of the actors, Ocean's 12, what the fuck?
Make a movie with a hot woman dressed in tight PVC but not tell you its mostly set at night (due to vast amounts of CGI that doesn't look real in good light)and the outfit is also black and they only shoot her from a distance or from the chest up.
Add, new young characters to attract young' uns to sequels to make up for the aging stars.
example, Terminator 2 Indiana Jones and the temple of Doom, Star Wars Epidsode 1.
Avoid comedies in which voice overs tell you how funny it is and the trailer shows the actors laughing but not what they are laughing at.
Avoid movies in which the trailer is a 20 second blur of action that leaves you wondering what it was about and who was in it, remember Stealth?
Don't bother with filler movies that have crap lazy names like, Firewall, Cellular and Flightplan.
Just forget about films that the original actors wouldn't star in the sequel for any reason but they make it anyway, Speed 2 was class right?
Movies that compare it to other movies are just sad , example: High noon meets The Terminator.
Aging franchises will.
Introduce sexy chicks in tight outfits that pout a lot
Bring in an almost unstoppable foe.
Use big name cross over actors.
Create an early years version of the show or prequel, (see bring in younger actors)
Bring in a cute animated SpaceMonkey. (do ya think Wanker is helping my Blog?)
Movies that didn't need to be remade
Mr Deeds goes to town 1936
War of the worlds 1954
The Ladykillers 1955
School for scoundrels 1960
The Flight of the Phoenix 1965
The Posideon Aventure 1972
The Longest Yard 1974
The Italian Job 1969 (thanks Kieran!)
The Four Feathers 1939
It didn't make them better, just newer.
I can't do this anymore, I think Old Knudsen is going nuts, hes afraid to close his eyes at night incase he gets grabbed by the ghoulies.
My house is old, I've been told it was built on an old Indian burial ground, well even old Indians need to be buried somewhere.
I haven't gotten my usual 4 hours of sleep for the last 2 weeks, as I recall it all started the night after Billy one ear's girlfriend kicked him out, poor man doesn't even know why she did it, some women are just mean, its something to do with the moon and the fact that their blood is 70% sulphuric acid, I don't know, the mood of a woman is like playing Russian Roulette, you just never know when you'll get it.
Anyway I think the emotional tension released a restless spirit, for I was in me bed polishing my shotgun and singing it goodnight when I heard a lot of banging about downstairs, I loaded up Henry then I heard the unearthly moans and groans of what sounded animalistic, I hid (bravely) under the covers and that's when I heard a ghostly voice issuing the threat "I'm coming", its lucky I keep a bottle to piss in beside me bed for I wasn't leaving my room.
In the morning I looked around to see what the malicious spirit had done, there was a ghostly ectoplasm all over my sofa and my change jar and sandwich maker had gone, I looked in the fridge and saw that my pasty had also been taken, I had a full 2 litre of coke in there and that had almost gone and now had things floating in it, I suspect my ghostly friend backwashed .
Over by the back door in the corner was what looked like vegetable soup, at times like this I wish I had a dog, well I guess I'll have to get Gavin to clean it then.
I'm no letting a child molesting priest into do an exorcism, they would case out the place to rob, my local pastors still aren't talking to me, it seems that the only room that's safe is my bedroom, that's where I keep me computer and power tools, maybe it was the picture of the reverend Ian Paisley that saved me, that and the dead bolt, I had my Y2K food supply in there but all that's left is the cans of mixed fruit and it would have to be the end of the world to be desperate to eat that shit, the only fruit I eat is potatoes, chopped up and deep fryed the way God intended them.
I was losing too much sleep, my darts game at the Legion was suffering, this was getting serious so I went to my G.P. (doctor to you Yanks)
Dr Reid was off so I got some black fella that could hardly speak English, but he understood me problem, those fellas know all about Voodoo and the like, he sent me for a Psychic evaluation.
I had to go to a Psychiatric clinic and see a Dr Wong, for you know nothings out there Psychiatric is like Geriatric, its for old people such as myself with the gift of 3rd sight.
A lot of the people in the waiting room didn't look very old but you could tell they had devils tormenting them, shuffling about waving away invisible flies, I sat far away from these folks in an empty row of seats, and what do you know, a big fat fucker came over ignored the over seats and sat down right beside me, he was muttering some evil incantation about pretty hair and bobbing his head, I prayed hard to Alien Paisley to save me from Catholics and Demons, (nay too much difference) after a long half hour I was called in.
To my surprised Dr Wong was an Asian, he sat there all inscrutable like, in a beige turtle neck jumper and tweed jacket, his legs crossed so his trousers hiked up showing off his Argyle socks, yep this Cuff Link had gone native.
He hardly looked at me, he just rattled off a load of stupid questions.
"Do you want to hurt anyone?" I gave him my top five (well I hardly know him)
"Do you see things that aren't there?" how on Earth can you see things that aren't there? I then got into a discussion about how Wonder woman can find her invisible jet, he wasn't very helpful with that, he then asked me if I had a suicide plan so I told him my 'Royal' scenario in which terrorists have taken over Buckingham Palace, Prince Phillip as you could imagine was useless, so the Queen turns to me and says,"help me Old Knudsen, you're my only hope" I nod, knowing whats expected of me, as she pins a Victoria Cross onto my chest I reach up and lightly touch her hand, and say,"call me Soren", we look into each others eyes and have a moment, suddenly bullets whiz past us, Phil gets it in the head, I shout, "GO!" and I grab my Bren and lay down some serious cover fire, as the Queen races away she calls out, "we shall never forget you Soren", and even though I've been hit by 20 bullets I take down the terrorist scum and the Queen gets away, sometimes I don't die and we meet up later and I become King but I am willing to sacrifice myself for Queen and country.
You know Asians really don't have any patience, he jumped to his feet and yelled,"you silly white man, you waste time, you waste long time" and then he told me to get out, he had a golf game to go to.
I guess Old Knudsen will have to live with his ghosts, Big Ian will save me until I can fill my house with more photos of him.
Wednesday, 13 September 2006
I just want to congratulate Ranald MacDonald, a 76 year old from Edinburgh who has just become Chief of the MacDonalds of Keppoch.
Their last chief was 150 years ago and a lot of the clan reject the legitimacy of his bloodline.
This guy has been trying to become Chief and whatever that entails since 1986, hes Scottish, give the fucker a chance, did ya no watch King Ralph? do ya want an American as your Chief?
Maybe he'll be the one to reign in those Hell raising MacDonalds and perhaps get some payback on the Campbells at last.
Ranald MacDonald's first act as chief is to get rid of the Fillet 'O' fish as it attracts Catholics every friday.
A statement from the crewmember who worked Chicken, pies and fillet'o'fish is as follows "Ronalds just a clown, that fucker has changed".
When Old Knudsen was being subjected to his 4 hard years of education he resented every moment of it," please mummy" I'd beg," let me work down the pit", " maybe in another couple of years little Knudsen, when you're 12", she'd say, I don't think she remembered my name half the time, my brothers Gustave and Lars were the favourites so half the time my name would end up Guslars then she would just give up and say "hey you" .
The school I attended was a small one on top of a hill with a winding path to it, my Teachers were Miss McNichols a mean woman with thickly lacquered bulletproof grey hair and horn rimmed glasses, her preferred method of punishment was beating with a ruler on the hands, she taught most subjects, and must of had eyes in the back of her head under the hair somewhere, my only other teacher was young Mr Caldwell, a red headed man with a moustache that belonged on a man 20 years his senior, maybe he thought it gave him authority, he taught English, usually he was flying into rages and throwing things across the room, or he was canning someone who got wrong answers or just didn't do well enough for his liking, of course when faced with unreasonable authority figures Old Knudsen tends to push back, hence this badly punctuated piece of crap , all I learned was to not show pain when he swung that cane, he hated that, he enjoyed making the boys whimper and cry.
I'm sure if hes still alive he would be on some sex offender's database somewhere.
I was looking at the story of the American teacher that had sex with her 14 year old pupil, which one? you may ask, Debra Lafave, the pretty blonde one that danced in her underwear in front of her web cam, she may be very attractive as she has been quick to point out which is why she thinks she got so much attention from the press, as she stated ,"sex sells" have you ever taken your eyes of her boobs to notice her face? vacant is one way I'd put it, even while doing her wee dance, is that her sexy look or is there just no one home? she said her little school friend that she shagged must be feeling guilty because he ratted her out, yep conceitedness is an attractive trait.
Just like in the 90's we had people who were unfaithful claiming to be sex addicts as if this was really and actual disease, you know like Alcoholism, no one forced them, now we have this teacher and anyone else that flips out claiming to be Bi-Polar, something you can't test for with a blood test but is now starting to be the key excuse, I pity those nutcases that have the illness but can manage not to go around shagging 14 year old boys, now Old Knudsen who is suffering from chronic blue balls asks this, where are all these sex mad crazy women? I'm here and I have access to soap if you're picky, and where were the hot sex mad women when Old Knudsen was 14? yeah its always someone else, the only reason the boy 'ratted her out' was, well I'd be telling everyone too.
Labels: teacher sex
When Old Knudsen's Black dog of depression comes around and licks his face, I have a few drinks, run a warm bath, empty out my toilet chair and contemplate deleting my blog and joining the choir eternal, then the little angel on my shoulder says, no Knudsen, think of the good things in life, "a sunset, a beautiful flower a", yeah yeah fuck off you gaylord, the devil on my shoulder says," click next blog you old shitehawk, Satan really cannot be arsed with you right now", so I put off the afterlife for the lost world of blogs, you know seeing the poor unfortunate fuckers that post about their dinners and adopting kids from China (cheaper over there) and their latest skateboard tricks really show me how needed I am.
Firstly, I hate black blogs, nothing racial I can't read them for fuck and know they are going take forever to load up, 'click next blog', I get a little boy who thinks under age kids should play online games so he can talk to his friends, please comment, then he says please comment if you agree, away and fuck, I gave that little wanker what for, go do your homework, talk to your friends at school, go get me your parents, do you think they want people like me talking to you?'click next blog' adverts, fucking ringtones, I don't have a mobile phone, I don't do phone calls,(unless I can't help it)my land line only has buttons because BT begged me to take it, I don't do IM, REM or YouTube, I don't even know what tag is, anyway I'm too old to run, blogs, e-mails and letters, that's me, and the odd brick with a note wrapped around it, can you put a ringtone on my brick ya fuckers? 'click next blog'.
I then saw something that disturbed me, (no 'me' not her)' Discount genital health meds ' if you are going to use something on your unmentionables, get the cheapest crap around, that Aussie's post about the word verification which was simple yet enjoyable is firmly stuck in my head, I saw the names of these meds as codes to comment, perhaps its subliminal to get you to buy meds.
Flagyl Diflucan Zithromax Levaquin
By now I was too annoyed and had to post, also what about the blogs that don't have a next blog button, you have to go back to the last really shite blog and click again, you can keep hitting adverts and shite no button blogs forever.
Don't believe the Blogs of note, half of them are ads and the rest are incestuous licky licky I'm from Dell show my blog about the Dell convention, (yawn) and other shite too.
Don't worry folks, I've unloaded double barreled Henry, now I want to kill something else, oh if I saw one of those fucking Stingrays, or a Spaniard, yeah that would do nicely.
Tuesday, 12 September 2006
While I'm on the subject of man's intolerance towards his animal friends I see that the Royal Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh has bowed to the pressure that the media is putting on us all to look skinny and sexy, Old Knudsen has to fight to keep a healthy body image,and even though some people go on about his small penis he has managed to be happy of what God has given him, I stand erect and proud knowing that I have fathered many children and pleasured many women, or have I pleasured many children, oh I know what I mean, of course none of the fuckers are getting a penny from me, mainly because Billy One Ear keeps swiping me change, oh and my VCR, he said some Spaniards broke in and took it but fessed up a week later, of course I do feel bad for that Dago I glassed, that Billy, hes a one all right, he replaced my VCR with another one, its bigger and loads from the top, Billy said these are better than the little ones and the way the door lifts up all very high tech, like one of them De Lorean cars.
What was I talking about? oh yeah the Museum, what do you go to the Museum for? besides to use the Bog, you go to look at the Turtle or Goldfish ponds, well there was a Goldfish named Scotty, poor wee Scotty was not like the other fish, he was happy and swam about gulping at air with a big trail of shit hanging from his ass like they do, but Scotty had a growth on his face, visitors would recoil in horror at the ugliness of this creature, little children would have nightmares because they gazed into the face of evil, well ok it wasn't that bad, it didn't bother the fish but some arseholes that went to the place for the one and only time in their lives complained, you know what those folks in Edinburgh are like, soft as shite, (though not as soft as the Marshmen of the south) Scotty went into surgery and had the harmless lump removed, for comedy value they also removed one of his eyes.
A spokesman for the Museum said, "If anymore English cunts complain about Scotty One Eye being ugly, I'll take oot the little fishy and stomp on the fucker in front of them, I'll present it to the Sasenach and say, are we happy now?" , he then went on administrative leave for stress.
How stupid are people? well if you've read this blog you know the answer.
As if Steve Irwin wasn't dumb enough to go out of his way to get himself killed for a T.V. show, his fans who took his message of conservation to heart have started a revenge killing on Stingrays, you stupid fuckers, Jack Kerouac died from alcoholism lets go and firebomb the pubs, a friend of mine was knocked down by a car, lets kill all those car driving fuckers.
Ten Stingrays have died all ready, stop this stupidity before they strike back.
Queensland police have held for questioning 4 men called Bruce in connection with the Stingray deaths, the brutal nature of the slayings is now just coming out, all 10 Rays were sexually assaulted and strangled with their panties, into their wide bodies was carved the words, '4 Stevo' .
Police refused to comment on the brutal assault of a German tourist by a gang of young Stingrays and would not say if this was a tit for tat beating.
Old Knudsen is not very well read or academically inclined, he got his education from the school of hard knocks so well read sissys in tweed don't impress me none, another person who doesn't impress me is jack Kerouac, not just because hes a bit froggie but mostly because he was a scrounging pretentious prehippy type, beat generation my arse, I'd like to beat him, his books consist of where he could scrounge a free meal, bed and drinks from, ok Old Knudsen couldn't punish himself with all his books, why bother, my mind was already made up, I really hate people that don't buy a round, I could picture him with his frog like face wearing a black turtle neck discussing how to write freely and openly while getting free drinks from fawning pseudo intellectuals like himself, the people he meets reads like the links down the side of Foot Eater's blog, except no Old Knudsen cos I would have put the fucker on his back ( Kerouac not Foot Eater) you've got Roland Major, Dr Boncoeur, Ed Dunkel and Old Bull, they could be Blog writers, well nic nac Kerouac died of an internal hemorrhage due to alcoholism aged 47 , Old Knudsen says, "never trust anyone that doesn't know how to work", being a look out for fires doesn't count as work so fuck off Froggie.
Monday, 11 September 2006
I have this Blogging buddy that lives on the cruel and unforgiving east coast of Australia.
The last time Old Knudsen was there was with the famous maritime explorer captain Kook, you always had to have yer musket at the ready incase the Apaches charged you, mean blood thirsty savages with big didgeridoos wanting to eat your flesh and cut off your head so they can fuck your lifeless eye sockets in their Wigwams while getting high on Meth.
It was a scary time as I was a young man and I had virgin eye sockets, as for the rest of me , well it was a long voyage. I was the captain's first mate, I think it was because he had trouble committing, besides me, his only other friend was Roger the cabin boy, he was a popular young chap, while I tossed in my bunk at night I'd hear the hand's chanting "Roger the cabin boy" over and over, the funny thing was the boy's name was Jack.
The captain was often in the doldrums of depression, everytime he named something the map makers in London would misspell his name Cook, like that other Navel officer, everyone else got things named after them, in fact if you are trying to name a baby and need ideas just look up Australia and you'll have lots to choose from," hmm I like this place, I'll call it Hicks point, hey watch out for that rock, I think I'll call it 'Cher's Rock' , do ya want to go down to the Glory hole, sorry I already named that after myself, Bill O'bong".
So we shipped off the convict scum to Australia and all the bog trotters and religious nuts to America, Britain was now a nice place to live, you could leave your doors unlocked, but why would you do something so stupid? there were still a lot of Catholics about so you still had to chain up yer bicycle.
During the great war, which was actually at the time known as the super fantastic awesome war, the Australians were held in such high regard that they were allowed to charge the enemy first, this annoyed the eager Irish who thought they were missing out on something by going second, the plan was to use up the bullet catching nations before the English came out and hopefully the Hun had run out of ammo.
The Australian army distinguished itself in WW2 , I know this because I saw it on the Sullivan's, don't you think Greg Wiggle would have made a good Sullivan?
The Aussies got their own back on the world, to the U.K. they sold numerous highly addictive but crappy soaps, the actors would infest our lives with singing and pantomime careers, how can Guy Pierce take himself so seriously? he'll always be muscle bound Mike to me.
Mel Gibson born in America? so fuck hes an Aussie, remember Mel if you want to slag off Jews while drunk, get a Blog, why are they so touchy about Killing Jesus? you fucked up people move on, hey look its Buddha, lets get the fat fuck.
America is so obsessed with the Mexicans taking the jobs they are too lazy to do, for years in Hollywood if you wanted a bad guy you'd try the Royal Shakespeare company, I don't know how many times skinny middle aged Englishmen with a classically trained voices have threatened to knock my shite in, scary, Hollywood is just like real life.
Its the Aussies that the minutemen should be watching, they act and sound more like Americans than the Americans, that's why they get all the yank roles, its a shock to see Jim Robinson from Neighbours pop up or in that very funny film 'Wedding Crashers' you have the tasty bite sized Isla Fisher, it was a body double's tits that you see for 5 seconds, very upsetting.
Well Old Knudsen likes Australians, I think it might be the brain washing from the 80's or hopefully I missed that, I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky, ugh must fight it, Old Knudsen is Mental as anything.
I have been called a testicle so many times over the last week, once by a Hollywood great and the other 30 times by my friend with the hairy outback, I've come to the conclusion that its a term of affection, so if you've read this far, you are indeed a testicle.
A woman that sleeps on the wet patch after sex is a keeper.
Now don't forget to feed my monkey ya bastards.
Ever notice on the News that when a disaster occurs in a foreign out of the way arse hole of no where part of the world the news will read like this, a train crash in the middle of Mongolia, 36 people feared dead, among them 3 Brits, so you're eating your dinner to the news and the newsreader says 33 Mongs are feared dead, you just keep chewing, whatever, just mongs and 3 britons, Oh my God, you spit out your food in shock, how can God just take 3 of his own like that, we all know that 1 Brit is worth 10 of the dirty races. (dirty races = anyone not us)
Anything that crashes always has to have at least one Brit, and they don't mind that they are Scottish , Welsh or from Northern Ireland and consider themselves Irish , they will always be Brits first, you know like if a sportsman from Scotland wins a few times suddenly hes a British golden boy,this happened to a certain boxer named Barry McGuigan a few years back, he played Danny Boy at every fight and was from the Republic but the media made him a Brit because the U.K. had fuck all, but Eddie the fucking eagle.
The Brits are everywhere it seems, and why is there always at least one, on every strange foreign airplane that goes down? do you see a pattern? no I don't either, shit!, I did think it was amusing that a 'Brit', who was blind, being guided by his dog got out safely from the WTC, it then pissed on a tree and licked it's hole and rolled in shit, now that's a hero.
Yes I know there are no trains in Mongolia, nitpicking fuckwits, ok then a Yak crash.
Dear Ask knudsen
I'm a 32 year old male who for some reason cannot find a female mate to join my collective, I think my mother may put them off when I bring them home.
When I'm alone I half fill balloons with water and put them under my shirt and fondle them pretending that they are the breasts of Star Trek Voyager's Seven of Nine, is this normal and what can I do to attract chicks?
Lord Yorgar of the flixal empire (aka Jason) Michigan
Dear Jason, is humping a jar of raw liver normal?, don't waste my fucking time, of course not being normal doesn't make it wrong. (a kind word for all my homo readers)
I think you should take your mother aside and adjust her attitude, maybe get her to make some scones, she may indeed be jealous which makes you a bit of a Playa.
If in doubt try Pernod and Blackcurrant.
Sunday, 10 September 2006
Old knudsen's memory was jarred into action by something he just read, Neville Chamberlain
was the worst Prime Minister of the 20th century.
Ok I thought that was a bit harsh on Nev , he may have ignored anything that went on during the Spanish civil war,he may have sold out Czechoslovakia to the Nazis thus giving them a foothold to take over the rest of Europe and he may have waved that piece of paper about claiming peace in our time, yeah ok, he was a twat when it came to anything with balls.
Old Knudsen blames himself a little, you see I met these 2 yanks in Birmingham, they were having a great time, back then all business was booming, those 2 guys had the ability to get whatever they wanted by just talking, I was desperate to learn their secret, after I plied them with drinks for a few hours they told me, it was called 'lying' , back then it was quite new to Britain but it was all the rage back in the States, they taught me and a whole different world opened up
. As I've said Nev was a big of a twat, I called him Nev the Rev because he would rant and preach when he was angry, when he drinks he gets angry, it seems that in Public school buggering is on the curriculum, Nev was going on about how it was sinful that he enjoyed it yadda yadda yadda, heard it all before, then I just came out and said it, "Nev wheres the 10 shillings you owe me?", his family had money, they made Birmingham the city it is today, (bastards) Nev frowned and said,"oh sorry chap I must of forgot", he soon paid up and that was just the start, I could convince anybody of anything, as long as they weren't too well traveled, people that never travel are thick as pigshit, now you can travel on the Interweb or just watch T.V. lying is not so easy these days though you'd be surprised,Weapons of mass destruction, watch the master (bater) in action.
Well Neville who was very cultured, he could bore you on any subject became an accountant
I could tell he wasn't very happy and was starting to question my lies more so once during a night of drunken manly shirtless wrestling, it is too manly, I dare you to call 'Big Daddy' a poof and he wore tights and a leotard, well I kept pinning him down but he took it in good spirits, I said to distract him because I was going to hit him up for more money later that as he was such a good orator he should take up politics, he was unsure, he had done a bit of debating in his youth (dirty fucker) but by the end of that night I had the bugger giving me a few bob and running for council , in no time he was Lord Mayor of Birmingham.
After a hunting accident in Sarajevo that sparked off a little inccident I kept me head down for a while and Nev kept at the politicing,out of the blue one day he gave me a ring and said he had this important meeting in Munich and would I go with him in an advisory role, yawn yawn yawn, I told him I had the stomach flu, I'd drunk a bad pint, old Nev as dumb as ever fell for it, I actually had a liaison with a dirty young lass from Arbroath, like there are clean ones, HA!.
Well you know how it went, Hitler had been trained in lying and even though he was sniggering as he signed Neville didn't suspect a thing.
Churchill took over as P.M. he was half American so he was used to lies and never fell for a thing, of course he was an amateur compared to FDR, and was shattered when he got dumped for Stalin, (bigger nation, size counts and not as needy as Chruchill) poor Nev died of cancer within 6 months of the Munich agreement , does Old Knudsen lie awake at night thinking about how millions could have been saved? sorry what was the question again?, if you made it this far without clicking next Blog, you should know its all true, if Old Knudsen is lying then he is dying, nope just a metallic taste in my mouth and my left arm is tingling.
Dear Ask Knudsen
I was riding in the desert and my camel hurt it's leg and is unable to walk, what can I do oh wise one?
Sheik 'n' Vac
Hello my friend, my sympathies go out to you and the people of Iraq, how are you enjoying your freedom?
What you need is a very tight pair of Steve McQueen's (jeans) and you'll have camel tow, hope this was of help, now go fuck yourself and leave the camels alone.
Old Knudsen is a non-profit organization but he can't do this shit sober, please leave a donation for 'drink' in the jar at the end of this Blog.
Saturday, 9 September 2006
To celebrate over a hundred visits to my Blog (98% click next bloogers) I am starting an 'ask Knudsen' service, this is mainly because you fuckers are clueless and with the rich and varied life I've led I'm fucking wise, so listen up maggots and you might learn something.
Dear Ask Knudsen
Do Nanites come from Micronesia because they are so small?
T. Osser London E 17
No! even though they live on Islands with limited resources and a diet of mainly healthy sea-food big fat Hula Fuckers come from Micronesia, Nanites crawl about yer head and make people scratch just by thinking about them, thankyou for your question, now go and drown yourself.
Don't fear everyone, Old Knudsen hasn't really died, just testing a few things out as I may have to appear dead depending on how the bank job goes, no I'm not robbing banks its just a part-time cleaning job but I've already lost a few million, they told me not to touch the keyboards but when you tell someone not to touch something, well I'm sorry those three people got fired and all, they should really keep a closer eye on their computers.
Old Knudsen, prolific hater and best kept secret in the Blog world died today in a violent motorcycle accident aged 117.
Having just been crowned the oldest person in the world, police suspect there may have been foul play involved as wheelchair tracks and slippered footprints were found at the scene of the crash, a police spokesman said.
" The Guinness competition for the oldest person alive is a seething cutthroat, underground world of corruption and ruthless geezers with nothing else to live for, we really don't have the manpower or resources for this kind of investigation, besides the old fucker deserved it."
Old Knudsen died as he lived, drunk, confused, having soiled himself, devoid of love and gagging for a shag.
He will hardly be missed by Click next Bloggers everywhere.
Heres what the people said.
Fat Sparrow, " Just like that wanker, now I have to remove his posts and link, I wouldn't put it
past him to have done this to me on purpose."
Me, " It feels like I've lost something precious, no really have you seen my beer? I
just put a shrimp on the barbie, oh there it is, fair dinkum mate."
Footer Eater, "A person of dignity nay solemnity,of enchanting wit with an intellectual
wisdom and comprehensibility not often found on Blogs, who was he again?
oh that wickerguy, no, he was a cunt."
anonymous, "Best Blogger ever, he was so funny and clever with strong athletic
shoulders, a greek god among men though not as hairy as the Greeks."
Harry Hutton, " Who?"
Emerald Bile, "Did he have a Blog?"
Tony Blair, "Fuck this, why bother anymore, I'm off."
George W Bush, "Old Knudsen never existed, up is down, left is right, what? I've
been found out by too many people, ok then its too late now
for you to do anything, its all true, get nato in its time to make
Billy One Ear, "can I still claim his pension?"
Friday, 8 September 2006
In 2005 the lead singer from a band I've never heard of called Echo and the Bunnymen, his name being Ian McCulloch was charged with assaulting a guy and his girlfriend.
The couple had watched the concert and were about to go when they were told they would be allowed to go backstage, now heres the difference between Scots and the other inferior races, Mr Duncan and his girlfiend Juliet jumped at the chance, but not to see the stars but to use the toilets.
McCulloch was standing in a doorway and Duncan politely said excuse me and got past him to get to the bogs, all very sobering to a big star I reckon, well McCulloch or Echo as he might be known as, started kicking in cubicle doors and shouting telling them to get out,
Juliet said ,"please just give me a moment" as she was in a very vulnerable situation and hadn't finished, then the door got kicked in and hit her on the head, McCulloch and Duncan pushed each other a bit, both have different versions of the story of course, I just thought it was odd enough to post about, fuck the big stars, I want a dump.
Restrooms being good places to attack someone as long as you don't mind a bit of pee on your shoe, don't wear suede, and if you see any holes in the wall don't look in it, just cover it with something, learn from Old Knudsen's experiences.
Vampires are portrayed as tall skinny dressed in Black cool dangerous brooding type creatures, people actually want to be them.
Do Vampires move to America for the sun and movie deals?
What about immortal fat perky vampires that wear rainbow coloured clothes would you want to be that?
The full moon I hope will pass very soon, I'm starting to rave and rant like a loon.
To keep this post consistent with the high quality of the others, "fuck off"
I want to try a great experiment, in fact its so great I want to give it a catchy name, maybe the' Final Solution'.
Wobble Headed George Clooney went to Africa to rub it in to Johnny Black fellow that hes rich and hot and they are not, its good that poor dying people should see the elite of the world before they go, of course if they saw that 'Batman and Robin' movie they would say no he is the one that must die before I go.
When George got back to the States he gave a speech on what he saw, he said," if we stop feeding them the problem won't just go away, any questions?"
"George who are you boning? how much weight are you putting on for your next movie and are you not a good enough actor to just act fat? whats Brad Pitt like and have you seen the baby? "
Well I disagree, I suspect if we stop feeding them the problem will go away.
We need a world leader like Winston Churchill, when the Germans scared the French into surrendering the frogs wouldn't put the French navy under British control, so rather than having it fall into German hands he destroyed it killing 1200 sailors, he'd have the balls to call it a day on Africa.
As well as not feeding the Africans (who will just breed more hungry Africans) we shouldn't feed the winos in the park, they drink to escape reality so we are just helping them to escape it a bit more permanently, we just have to clamp down on the do-gooders at Christmas, why do these people not give a shit all year and then on Christmas week they pretend to be nice and also go and hand out food at shelters, of course they make sure you know they did.
Old Knudsen is a fucker all year round, if I'm being nice then you can bet there will be trouble, when the Sally Ann come round Jimmy's pub selling Warcrys I try to get money off them.
What about those smug rich fuckers with the Hybrid cars, if they are serious about helping the environment then they can buy everyone else a Hybrid too, I'm waiting.
No more band Aides, work on your music or films, Bono all yer records sound the same, time for the Hedge to go, that Velvet Revolver sounded like Guns'n'Roses because of Splash on the guitar, the 80's were good to you, move on, give us something you can sing along to, Bob Geldof, just retire, you never could sing.
George Clooney hasn't made a good movie since Ocean's 11. Solaris, a cameo in Spy kids 3-D, Ocean's 12 and Syrianna, he'll make any overhyped piece of shit.
What is it with Irish Bog trotters and Africa?
Old Knudsen doesn't like 'Trendy Activists' (my own term) those who get their causes from Hollywood and only know about Rwanda because of the Hotel film, they don't care about the Congo or what the government in Zimbabwe is doing or anything else going on all over that oozing sore of a place.
Show them a blank map of Africa and one of South America get them to tell you which is which.
Oh the picture of George Clooney is not him, its a hybrid, not as good looking, smart or witty as the original , he charges more and doesn't polute as much with as many shite movies, not really an answer you'll take what we give you.
Thursday, 7 September 2006
Nothing strikes fear into the heart of a real man like myself more than a gay serial killer.
Its not enough to just kill you he'd probably bugger you, torture you, more buggering, kill you and cut you up, really not on.
Have you heard about the American Scott Peterson? I'm sure you have, the fertilizer salesman that killed his wife and unborn son about 4 years ago, he claimed he was innocent but this guy sold shit for a living and most of it between his ears, he gave himself away with inappropriate behaviour such as looking into selling his house when his wife was just known as missing..
Scott is a sociopath, he never thought people would stop believing the crap he was telling them, he was well too cocky even phoning his mistress during the T.V. coverage of her disappearance. he was charged and put on death row, he still had that little smug smile on his face, the guy loves himself. Scott's new Prison friend is Randy Steven Kraft, no really his first name is Randy, well maybe he is too.
Randy Steven killed 51 blokes, he tortured and sexually abused them and dismembered them, his catchy nickname was the southern California strangler, I would of called him the turd burglar slice and dicer.
Scott is the only pretty boy on the block and the two have been swapping notes and magazines, I'm sure that's not all Randy wants to swap with Scott.
Those fuckers get magazines, I wouldn't even give them daylight, they also get to watch movies, Peterson loves the movie 'Ray' ,Old Knudsen hasn't seen it yet so don't tell me how it ends, its bound to be shite, 'I just called to say I love you' was the best thing he did and that sucked big donkey dick.
I'm sure randy Steven can't wait to get some one on one, man to man time with Scott, I don't think Scott will protest too much, he loves the attention no matter who it is from, they'll have lovely children.
Old Knudsen has now written his second post on prison gay, I wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something, nope I'm still just bunged up.
A bit like prison gay is army gay, well we didn't have it in my day, must be an American invention like hugging, but among Randy Steven's victims were numerous U.S. marines or Jarheads as they like to be called by their dominant significant others, in a spot of crack police work Randy Stevens was pulled over for drunk driving, the Peelers found the corpse of a 25 year old marine in the passenger seat, that was in 1983, now with Scott wiggling about the cell block hes changed his name to really horny steven, don't worry chuckles, you'll have you're day.
Old Knudsen gets to thinking, who the fuck can he piss off today, well I hate those people that use science to explain everything and hope that by using big words with more than 4 letters they will confuse and confound Old Knudsen, just because you rich bastards didn't have to start working aged 12, who do you think crawled up the chimneys to clean them?
Scientists, when those fuckers aren't trying to recruit you into their religion they are all,"oh if you do that you'll tear a hole in the fabric of the space time continuum" or some sort of crap, ozone layer, what a load of bollocks, I've never seen it, oh let me guess you want money to do a study on it, that last study you did on why penguins fall over when a plane goes over head was great, expensive but great.
My old favourites, Nasa, they have invented so much good stuff that has enriched our lives and saved our lives, one thing Old Knudsen wants to know is, why did it take a load of Geeks in the Government funded Space Program to come up with this? cos they are all lazy buggers that's why, too busy getting published, try blogging eggheads, before Old Knudsen had a Blog he did this thing called letter writing, I mean a Blog sounds like a shit with blood in it, they should rename it click next shite, cos that's what you get.(unless you get me)
Ok now thanks to Nasa we can use cordless power tools, I mean duh! it took working in space for someone to come up with that one, I bet you have astronauts out in space going, "fucking drill, you can only get 15 minutes before the battery dies, useless fucker, I want one with a lead that has actual power and won't die on me".
Kidney Dialysis, who is the most famous person on dialysis?, yep Osama Bin Laden, way to go Nasa, if medicine keeps unnaturally prolonging the lives of people I'll never get my Clint Eastwood movies, as for cat scanners, who needs to see how fast their kitty is going?, do Astronauts have fry ups in space? that sounds a bit dangerous, no need to invent Teflon, just never wash your pan and it becomes naturally non-stick, I bet no Brainbox with 10 PHDs could of come up with that, as for Velcro, strippers of the world are eternally grateful, have spacemen turned into chav scum who don't know how to tie their laces or tell the time on a clock with hands? it makes Old Knudsen sick to think they spend millions to send alsorts of shit into space and don't put thought on how to live in the various environments on Earth, yeah we get the shitty stuff like the Interweb and cell phones, wheres my robot maid with the pumping lips or my flying car? they also claim to have a heat/chill system for serving Hospital food, well I never noticed that the last time I was in hospital, I was too busy complaining about the shitty food.
They give you shit food, wake you up every hour to take your blood pressure and check your pee or to hoover your room and expect you to get better, and where are the over worked nurses?you have to walk about attached to your pole with your arse hanging out to find one, its all a conspiracy to weed out the population, why else would they close so many hospitals down? just like America most of their people don't have healthcare, you know they flooded New Orleans on purpose just to get rid of all the Africans , yeah it all makes sense now, just wait until Birmingham blows up or something, Britain is importing all of the trash culture from America, in 20 years we'll be obediently cutting off our children's foreskins for hospitals to sell and not teaching our kids geography and History.
Yes Old Knudsen did go off track, if you haven't already clicked next Blog my faithless readers then I will wrap it up, college don't mean shit when you're in a Glasgow bar with a glass in yer face tell them your silly Darwin Idea, all the Nasa boys are doing is making us targets for the Aliens just follow the trail of pollution to the planet of aggressive meat.
The educated have a big impact on our lives but until you get rid of the greed of money it will do more harm than good, the rich get richer, and more out of touch and still run our countries and decide on how to use overeducated people to benefit (or not) mankind, its all hit and miss, oh my poor working class morally righteous brain hurts, I must go and lie down.
Wednesday, 6 September 2006
Congratulations to Princess kiko of Japan giving birth to a baby boy, and well done to Prince Akishino for injecting the poison, wey hey nippo! of course you know that Old Knudsen isn't going to fall for any of this, afraid they were going to lose another princess (princess Masako) to the dishonour of not producing a boy the Japs rigged it, no welcome to the 21st century for this fucked up nation, no female leaders because they think women are 2nd class citizens, what other big nation to the right of Japan also thinks like that? Old Knudsen thinks women are equals, in some aspects superior to men, I mean they are so good at the cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids while I do manly things at the pub, and that Margaret Thatcher what a woman she is, anything to say about that Argentina? yeah just shut it slags.
Back to the plot, I was down at Jimmys having a jar and who would come in but none other than Harry Carry, yep fishmarket Harry, and did he have a story to relate.
The Japs, obviously knew the sex of the baby beforehand, you see theres medical ways to find out, such as dangling a pin on some string and seeing which way it rotates or some experts can look at the belly and tell. Princess Kiko having 2 daughters already was no doubt worried, I mean those nasty little Nips cut of heads for shit like that, so either she went along or they switched it but she really had a girl according to harry, you won't be able to tell as they all look alike and to fool others they probably washed the babe in DNA and made him drink some, those little slitty eyes are so clever.
Just remember where you heard it first, oh and Harry also said about Suri Cruise, its an alien from Tom's home planet, they couldn't show it until now because the birth tentacles hadn't dropped off yet, they tried to pass off Suri as being a Jewish name but actual Jews sorta said huh?, its a Space name with a rough translation of 'Earth enslaver', Harry was about to tell me about Brad and Angelina's 'Shallot' but he got thrown out for eating the urinal cakes again, they aren't actual cakes but that's a story for another time, stay tuned Click Next Bloggers.
I have to admit that I kind of look forward to a Hollywood great dying, the main reason is that when the news comes out they put a load of his movies on the telly, if he /or she (yeah right) was a big enough star it might go on for a week or two, Stars like John Wayne may die only once but the tributes go on, when Rod Steiger died, Old Knudsen wasn't very impressed, very forgettable, as will be Mickey Rooney, Elizabeth Taylor will be known for the crap she did with Richard Burton and that shirt lifter James Dean (another overrated actor), now Old Knudsen is looking forward to the demise of Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston (who is in God's waiting room) lets hope they don't kick the bucket on the same week, that would really mess with my T.V. viewing, does that make me sound selfish? like I give a shit.
Old Knudsen knows about the Fog of war, the noise,the smell and the confusion that takes place during battle, Williamsons the butcher had an amazing sale last week, when the shop opened hundreds piled inside, it was reduced to brutal hand to hand combat, blood and guts everywhere, and all at affordable prices, I play the crippled old man act so I'll get served before the big fat angry meat eating bargain hunters, people are gifts.
Let me help you to figure out what this post is about, The war on Terrorism, there that should clue you in, the great Zionist movement to keep us safe from those Muslim savages, no offense Muslims but you have the oil and we want it, its just coincidence that you are a non Christian crazy fucker cult like chanting bobbing headed repressive religion that pretends to be peaceful while calling for the deaths of those not like you, why can't you be more like us Christians? God is love and understanding, now where was I? oh yes the crusades.
The Americans seem to have trouble from telling ragheads on horses to fine looking soldier like people that move in 2x2 formation and U.S. warplanes killed a Canadian soldier in Afghanistan, is there a war on Canada we don't know about?, this isn't the first time now is it ? did they even say sorry for the last time they killed a load of Canadians? when the Canadians shot an Afghan National Police officer they apologized, (just like a Canuk) but at least he was sort of the right kind of target.
It goes to show you that Canada has enemies everywhere, after the big attack on Canadian soil which brought them into the war, no wait, that wasn't them, why are they in the war?, oh yeah Bush asked but they were too polite to say no.
Old Knudsen has nothing against war, if it wasn't for war we wouldn't have so many good films, I just wonder why we haven't bombed the fuck out of Ireland, in Bush logic it makes total sense to, they killed Norman Tebbit's wife those fuckers need to be made into a carpark.
The Americans with their overworked and stoned military have made friendly fire a well known term, sure the other nations have terms for it and have done it, the British call it Blue on Blue, not a world wide known name, but we actually train our troops on things other than Xbox.