Thursday, 31 August 2006

Actor,Astronaut and Singer, a man of all seasons.

Glenn Ford a famous actor just died aged 90, ask a young un who he was and they won't have a clue, no Gavin he was not the Astronaut nor was he the Country and western singer that got caught drinking and driving, sometimes I wonder about that lad, I think theres air getting in, on behalf of those who knew who Glenn Ford was, Old Knudsen just wants to say, you were still alive?, I thought you died years ago, rest in peace.

Wednesday, 30 August 2006

Old Knudsen International Playboy

Old Knudsen is going international, there is this nice (although not all there) fellow half way across the world who wants to put a link to Old Knudsen on his website, he said that he has read all of Old Knudsen's fabulous wonders (his words not mine) and has declared that Old Knudsen is the Guardian that the Almighty God has sent to protect the world, well what could old Knudsen say to that?, I really did think I was kind of sent by God and had a special purpose and of course am better than all you Plebs, its just nice to hear someone else say it.
We swapped e-mails for a while, I mean I have to be sure hes not some nut case, Old Knudsen has a reputation to maintain, the guy doesn't like Jews much, I think he was bitten by one when he was a child, well no one is perfect, well except from Old Knudsen of course.

I was in the middle of one of my e-mails when a guy wearing sunglasses and speaking with an American accent came to fix the phone, an hour later another fella from the states wearing sunglasses came to fix the telly, I didn't even know it was broken, they must have some chip in them that tells them, anyway I suppose the reason a lot of yanks are about is because of America's piss poor economy, the reason they wear the sunglasses and hearing aides is because most people over there can't afford healthcare, its sad that young men have such problems, its great to live in a civilised country that looks after it's people, see what happens when you rebel against the King?, you won't be doing that again.

Anyway,I looked up the country he was from, it's name 'Iran' means 'Land of the Aryans', but its alright, I've seen a picture of him, hes a coloured chappy, probably a pakkie so I don't think hes a Nazi, even though he dislikes Jews, I fought the Nazis in the jungles of Burma so the Jew boys could be free, what did old Knudsen get?, not one ounce of Jew gold, just dysentery but at least they got their own country. I told my new friend Mahmoud that he could put up the link, and stop calling me 'Oh great one', please, lord Knudsen of the singing truth will do, I knew once I got on to the Interweb I would be discovered.

Tuesday, 29 August 2006

My old factory senses are tingling

Where ever you be let your wind go free, for that's what killed me said Shakespeare.

When Old Knudsen worked in the factory (it made miniature factories in case you wondered)
to pass the time in that soul crushing environment far from the smell of the sea Old Knudsen would create his own odours.
With my lunch being corned beef and brown sauce sandwiches it was easy to perform my acts of bio terrorism.
In an area that people tend to gather at a time when it is empty, wait until you have a couple of people approaching and then you let rip a silent but deadly fart, try to keep it dry you need to move fast, swiftly walk away, doing a circle of the area and by the time the pair have reached ground zero for the fart detonation you just come in behind them, an employee and a manager are perfect, you say loudly (towards the employee), "hey George, did you just rip one off again?", George being innocent and not wanting to look bad in front of the boss will deny it, which as you know is the first sign of guilt. Follow up with something like, "it smells like something crawled up yer arse and died", wave the smell away with a noise of disgust and leave, if you do it right the manager may also comment, clumsy office politics but fun, now go out there and make Old Knudsen proud.

Monday, 28 August 2006

Old chicks know more

Old Knudsen isn't that into sport, but he does keep abreast of the exciting world of Old people competitive dying.
Maria Esther De Capovilla, the world's oldest person died age 116, but they did save the baby. In the wings just waiting are numerous old folks just waiting for a rival to drop dead so with their own last breath they will have achieved one last thing, not dying yet and getting their name in the paper for a week, if they can last that long, a woman aged 116 from Tennessee is thought to be the new reigning champion, the pace is sure picking up, isn't this exciting?, far better than watching paint dry.

Sunday, 27 August 2006

I'm a Red Rocketman

A while back Old Knudsen was in the little Scottish town of Troon, and who should I happen to hobble into but wee Johnny Adair, you may know him as the Ulster paramilitary leader known as Mad Dog who is thought to have bravely ordered the deaths of up to 40 catholics.
Well Johnny having made enemies on the protestant and catholic sides fled to England but then got into trouble for beating up his lovely wife in a public park, so he took the handful of hair he had pulled out of her head and moved on to Troon to live in peace, must be nice to have that option, unlike the 40 catholics.
I've known Johnny since he was a wee dog, a bit yappy maybe but not mad, he'd call me uncle Knudsen, I'd visit his family on the Shankill road in Belfast and Johnny would entertain us with song and dance, he'd love to sing songs from Carousel and Oklahoma and just loved Gordon MacRae, he had pictures covering his bedroom wall, we all thought that wee Johnny would turn out to be a big star on the stage.
Time went on as it does, and Johnny kept turning up at my home, it was like I had 3 sons instead of 2. The then Madam Knudsen couldn't stand him, said he was creepy. Things got a little strange between Johnny and my son Trevor and after an all mighty fight Johnny ran off in tears and I didn't see him again for years, Trevor said that he had complimented him on his muscular shoulders once too often.
It was like one of those M. Night Shak a lak movies , Old Knudsen had flashes of all the odd and flamboyant ways of Johnny, or of Billy Bigelow as he preferred to be called, my god, Johnny Adair was a shirt lifting bum bandit.
Spurned by Trevor, wee Johnny got mixed up in the sectarian troubles of Ulster, he got into drug dealing as most paramilitaries do, he was angry with the world, and angry with himself, he was in denial, he even married and had 4 children.
He became a leader in the UFF or Ulster Freedom Fighters and was sent to prison because of it, then a whole new world was pried apart for him, the world of prison gay.
He took to it like a judge to Vodka, he could he tough and still take it up the ass, like the navy but not so much seamen.
That wanker Tony Blair let all the terrorists out in 1999 in the hope to foster peace, heres an idea Tony, execute all the terrorists that sounds more sensible.
Out of the Maze prison came a different Johnny Adair, he was more relaxed, tanned and had built his body up like a bodybuilder, he was still a screaming homo, now he was accepted by the others, the muscles the overly tight t-shirts and the bling bling gave the impression of a gay pirate.
He stirred up hatred as usual, he missed the sexual freedom of prison, he got angry with his wife, you know, the usual issues and his lack of focus made enemies of his old friends and the Shankill became a place of danger for him.

Well Johnny seems more relaxed, he now shares a cottage with Ripper MacGee the Shankill Cannibal, but nothing goes on of course, when he saw Old Knudsen his face went pure red, he put his head down and walked on, that's when Old Knudsen burst into song,"Oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling Mad Dog Adair is so gay", I suspect he won't be staying in Troon too long.

Saturday, 26 August 2006


Old Knudsen likes to keep up to date with what the young uns are doing, mostly so I can complain about them and poke fun.
I've heard of this thing called 'YouTube', now Old Knudsen won't be doing any wee shows for you like some performing monkey, my dial up couldn't take it anyway, I just want to point out that you are all being called Dickheads by the man.
I take it YouTube was named by a know it all American, because in my land which is the land of God's chosen people, no not the Jews, they are too busy starting wars, I mean the brave unconquered Scots, a 'tube' is an idiot, a dunce, a moron, if you are a total Tube and don't believe me look up the slang dictionary, Fat Sparrow has a link to it in her nest , so let's call it 'YouFool' and see how that takes off, oh they are renaming iPods, to 'RobMeNowI'mATwat'.
Also look out for the new Sony "Rug Muncher", and the Nokia cell phone, the "Bearded Clam".

Old Knudsen's film guide, All Shite!

Old Knudsen loves a good movie, not too long ago Britain was the king of making movies, I used to love the old Ealing films, Passport to Pimlico, The Ladykillers anything with Alec Guinness and Margaret Rutherford (she was hot) was class, they were creative and didn't have to milk world events to come up with an idea, even the Yanks had to come here to make Superman and Star Wars.

Theres a movie coming out about 9/11 staring Nicholas cage, called The Wicker Man, I think its about a Policeman that goes into the Twin Towers looking for a coven of naked frolicking witches, anyway I don't want to spoil the ending but don't expect a sequel. Movies about major events are usually pretty boring until something starts blowing up, you know the reason why you went to watch the film, Old Knudsen felt dirty and guilty when he went to watch The Passion of the Christ, firstly they put on the wrong version, it was all in Italian or some other dirty language, if I wanted to read for 2 hours, well not much chance of me doing that really, unless tricked by Mad Maxwell, friend of the Jews, I was sitting there missing half of the film cos I couldn't see what the boring fuckers were saying, I found myself heckling, "c'mon crucify the Jew boy, get on with it that's why we're all here right?", I immediately felt guilty and felt the flames of Hell licking my hole, or was it me hemorrhoids?, anyway, what a load of shite, I paid ten Quid for that?, or rather my son Trevor did, I'm like the Queen, I don't carry money, unlike her I do shit, twice a week whether I need it or not, and I'm like a peanut dispenser.

Back to another movie based on a major event, well Pearl Harbour wasn't exactly major now, well not for me anyway another 2 and a half hours of my life down the shitter, it had that nice young woman in it, Kate Bosworth, er maybe Beckinsale, one of those two, the daughter of the guy from Porridge that died young and spoiled that show for me, bastard. The film also had that fine actor um, jlo's ex boyfriend, check out the arse on her by the way, I'll say this for America, they build them fine and big. Again with that film, who gives a shit who is shagging who, its rated 15, its not like you'll see it, c'mon lets see the Germans bomb the fuck out of the Yanks, that's why anybody watched it after all, I want to see blood and guts and to see those lazy buggers get brought into the war, its a world war people, you were late for the first one also, get with the program, oh and no impregnating all our women and then taking credit for winning, where where you in 1940?, if only you had a war mad president with balls like you do now , oh yeah, he wouldn't have left his ally with his back to the wall alone, he would have said something like "get her done" I don't like Bush much (beady eyes) but FDR couldn't even be bothered to walk never mind enter the war.

What a blood thirsty lot we are, after all the blood and death we make a movie of it, whatever happened to heads on a spike as a trophy like in the olden days, now those were the days

Tuesday, 22 August 2006

Old Knudsen Del Toro

Emiliano Mercado del Toro, no shit that's actually someone's name, this gentleman became the world's oldest man last year, well according to the Guiness book of records, Old Knudsen doesn't believe everything he reads though, well except if its in the Bible and then you know its true, or you'll burn you sinful fuckers.
Well anyway, Guiness gives me the shits, goes right through me like a dose of salts.
Emil the Bull just had his 115th birthday, he was unable to give those 114 year olds and younger who are waiting for him to die the fingers, due to arthritis, what a title to hold, knowing that several old farts are waiting for you to die so they can have their 15 minutes of fame before they cark it, oh the pressure. Mr The Bull put his long life down to, "who are you people?, I want to go home to my mommy wah!", only kidding, if Old Knudsen ever got to the World's Oldest Man and a reporter on a crap story assignment asked me the secret to long life, Old Knudsen would say this,"screw as many hot bitches as you can and bathe in the blood of young runaways".
What Mr Bull actually said was," I never damaged my body with liquor", the silly old fucker smoked for 76 years, why did he give it up aged 90 if he was so fucking healthy then?, the moral of this story is, don't listen to stupid old geezers as they are full of Bull and just forgot to die, of course that doesn't include not listening to me, you'd be stupid not to read what I say, yes, I'm talking to you click next Blog, don't leave me, I've seen the next Blog and boy are they morons, oh fuck you, don't say I didn't warn you, wave goodbye to your last 3 brain cells.

Monday, 21 August 2006

Pick the Carrots out of this

Scotland is one of the highest places for Alcohol related harm, what the fuck does that mean?, are they saying that there are places that when you get pissed you don't cause harm?, must be in the south of England as they are all soft there, they all get drunk on 2 or 3 wine coolers and complement each others on how Mature they are, "no Victor, you are far more mature old chap, no Harold you are, no I insist", I reckon if that conversation happened in Scotland someone would justifiably get a bottle to the head.
They may be talking about people going to hospital for alcoholism, well if you bother the busy nurses with something like that you must be a wuss from Southern England, you only go to hospital if something is hanging off and you can't stitch it on yourself, don't forget to try staples before you give up and catch the bus to the hospital, don't get a taxi for fuck sake, those taxi driving wankers get very irritate when you cover their back seat in blood for other bodily fluids, the bus driver will hardly notice when you sit at the back, and don't drive, the last thing you need is to prang your car when you pass out through lack of blood, insurance is high enough these days, Old Knudsen will keep ya right.
If you are an alcoholic then my hat is off to you, so many people go to alcoholics anonymous, or as I call those silly buggers, 'Quitters' . The footballer George Best was a champion of the drinking world, he drunk himself out of a liver and then just had them put in a new one, that's what I call staying power and dedication.
Old Knudsen is funny, charming and God's gift to women when hes had a skin full, I am at my most irresistible just before my first vomit.
I have perfected the Rainbow Swirl while walking home or looking for somewhere to eat I'll stop and inform all the ladies I've picked up to stand back, then Old Knudsen projectile vomits and nods at the same time, the effect is a swirl of puke, its very dramatic, in slow motion it would be beautiful, if one thing impresses the ladies its a man in his prime like me decorating the road, Old Knudsen wants to know, who the fuck keeps putting carrots in my vomit?, and why do they go to all the trouble to dice them?, messing with my mind isn't nice , if I catch you I'll teach you about alcohol related harm.

Saturday, 19 August 2006

Free Willy

Hey Clinton!, how about you stop thinking below the waist, you young men think of nothing else. Americans should stop sticking their noses in where they shouldn't be sticking them, now America wants to fiddle about with African and Indian (from India) willies.Clinton and his American researchers have come to the concussion that widespread Circumcision is the way to go to cut down the transmission of AIDS, they said that in their big clinical trial it reduces male to female HIV transmission by 60%.
Clinton also went on to say there is no definitive proof that circumcision works for AIDS, in fact Mr Clinton there is no proof it works for anything, Old Knudsen swings proudly the way the good lord made him as he comes from a civilized country, no mutilating babies for him.They said if they can circumcise 10% of the population of Soweto it could save 32,000 lives in 20 years--------------------in theory, what does it matter if they do it or not right?, just Africans, cut away says the Americans, hey why not do a spay and neuter program while you are at it and get rid of the African problem all together?.
Fuck Off America, just because your parents didn't know enough to save you.Circumcision is like cutting your eyelids off, it does the same job, why not do that too?, the golden rule,'clean your tool' then you won't have any problems, Old Knudsen has had years of quality service from old Charlie Knob.
The yanks seem well too eager to start cutting because their paid researchers came up with the right answers for them, I doubt they will even wait for absolute proof to go ahead, let the parents keep the skins so no one can make money of them as they do now then we'll see if the money greedy Yanks are so quick to help the 3rd world with this option.I really hate the mentality of men that say, "of course I want to circumcise my son, so he can be just like his father", whats that? a moron?.
The reason why the spread of AIDS is slower with circumcised males if it actually is, is because they either had money to afford to get it done thus a higher education level, or were raised with good healthcare and better educated healthwise, it boils down to education, a lot of Africans are so misinformed like how we all were in the 80's, can you catch it from touching them, can you get it drinking from the same cup?, and they also have primitive superstition working against them, what about the African government official that thought if he showered afterwards you won't get AIDS, I don't believe research, you can make it say or not say what ever you want, if you do start weed whacking you'll have more angry men that don't even know why they are angry, look to the crimes that go on in America, do a study on that Clinton, yeah Old Knudsen has trouble believing what Clinton says, this is from a man that pumps his manmuck into a sink to get rid of any evidence, this is a man who shagged Monica from Friends when he should of done Rachael instead, Old Knudsen would love to give it to that Hilary girl, I bet she knows what to do with a foreskin. Leave the Babies alone! if the nutcake Jews want to do it let them but when they get to Heaven and God says, hey wheres that foreskin I gave you?, I spent hours creating those things, or you did what to your little helpless baby ?, off to Hell with you dumbass, Clinton, the prince of bendy dicks and lies.

Gone Fishin

Lets all give thanks to Neptune for returning 3 of his sons.
Three Mexican fishermen ran out of petrol and their 25 ft boat was blown out to sea for 5,000 miles, they left the town of El Limon, and ended up 9 months later at the Marshall islands, luckily they were picked up by a Taiwanese tuna boat. Ok who was supposed to get the petrol for the bloody motors?, I bet that was the main topic of discussion for 9 months, and I bet it was brought up everytime they had to eat a raw seagull or fish, Old Knudsen can relate, he was fishing on a 22 ft boat once, a heavy wooden clinker built boat, it was so sea worthy the Vikings would have been proud, we had no oars and couldn't swim but we always made sure we had petrol, we got lucky, those Mexicans also got lucky, you lucky jammy bastards .

Whine and cheese (from my cock)

Old Knudsen was limping about town the other day, its been a while since I've been in a heavily populated place, fuck I hate people, shoving, racing, no fucking manners at all, Old Knudsen holds a door open for a woman pushing a stroller, she walks past him and gives him a dirty look, what the fuck?, oh then another 10 people seeing that Old Knudsen has the door open just saunter on past not even looking at me, I don't move the fastest so I just shoved the door closed before the next crowd tried to take advantage and hobbled off.
I went down to Jimmy's bar and lounge only to find out its gone all young, Old Knudsen has warts that are older than some of the kids in that place, and the MTV blaring out from a TV in every corner, it seems that Jimmy sold out to some fat fuck not called Jimmy, I won't be going there again, I now have to find a new home away from home.
How many times was Old Knudsen almost knocked down by cunts that drive about with a cell phone stuck to their ears?, lots is the answer, Old Knudsen doesn't have a cell phone and he has lots to say, oh and my fucking bus home was late ,I couldn't get home fast enough and soak my stump, I'm now going on the Interweb to see where I can get a stun gun from, if you hear about anonymous zappings in Scottish towns and sightings of an old ruggedly handsome man limping off at speed don't say a word, if you do I'll find ye ya fucker.

Gangsta Wigger

I was up at Boots the chemist, you know getting something for my personal itch, I ended up not with cream but got a back scratcher instead, a lot more satisfying, I had just stepped outside when I heard loud, booming music, it was like, YO YO YO, I'm a P Lover, a mother fucking brother, got my Gat, etc etc, you know the type, I'm a little old white guy I'm not into this ya ya ya banjo music, I turned slowly expecting to see some kind of pimped up car with spinning wheel hubs and several large Black guys with those panties on their heads wearing hoodies and pants around their knees to show off their boxers, I've noticed they never wear briefs is that like a fashion faux pas?, and why do they always try to stare you down?, is a little old white guy with a wooden leg so threatening?. Hold on, don't say this is racist, its what they do, ok? clear with that?, what do you mean they?, OK I love the black man, I've seen Zulu 8 times , I loved Roots and that Holly Berry girl is a pretty wee thing.
Well, I'm outside of Boots, slowly turning and what do I see?, a Black Ford Focus, the door opens, sitting half in and half out of his car, music still blaring was this skinny, white, red headed, 30 something guy, bobbing away to the music, mouthing all the words, well I had to turn away or he'd see me laughing, he jumps out, and starts yelling on his cell phone as everyone does, the guy is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you know hes single, lives with his mum, and is a computer game designer, he also is in denial that hes white, oh so very white,in fact he glows as only us white people can, and hes in his mid 30s, please, tell these people if you know them how sad they are, start a support group and make them listen to Cliff Richards or some other very white music, but it has to stop, Stop! the Gangsta Wiggers, nevermind White Pride, how about White self respect that Wigga be a gangsta.

Friday, 18 August 2006

Bitter Russian Tea Balls

Old Knudsen has long since forgiven the former USSR for those rubber gloved searches in East Berlin and for those 4 long years in a Gulag. Those bastards never returned my cool diver's watch or my microfilm (only one was shoved up my rusty bullet hole and it wasn't the giant black watch).

I've been watching Russia from the time when David Hasslehoff defeated the red scourge and I must say they've only changed on the surface, if you're a Russian Mariner and get into trouble, you had better hope the British are coming to the rescue, the Russian government doesn't think too much about losing military personnel , more where they came from.
If you are a Russian civilian caught up in a hostage situation kiss yer arse goodbye, its like the American government on evil steroids. Putin swaggers about like a tough guy, handing out knives instead of medals to war heroes, when he looks at Bush you can tell hes thinking of ways he can with a swift blur of motion kill this pretend Ronald Reagan, the KGB are like a bunch of fascist crooked cops, who better to run the country?.

There were some Japanese fishermen fishing in Japanese waters but near to the Russian administered Kuril Islands, it was out of season to fish for crabs, something Japanese and Russian bureaucrats agreed on probably so the Russians can do secret shit and not have too many people about, on one tells the Japs what they can't fish for, just ask the Whales, anyway who hasn't sat at the mouth of a river to poach er fish for Salmon?, us fisher folk are free spirits.

Now Old Knudsen fought the Nips at Dunkirk, I still have a scar from one of their spears, I hold no grudges, the Russians however took over the Kuril Islands in 1945 when the war ended and have kept them ever since, you know what they are like, they would put a cup of piss in a lockbox and guard it like it was top secret, if you looked at it wrong you'd be shot.
These fishermen were too close for the Russian's comfort so they fired a warning shot, now Old Knudsen has had plenty of warning shots fired over his head but this warning shot was fired into the head of one of the fishermen killing him, fair warning, he won't do that again.

The three remaining fishermen were questioned and face charges for fishing crabs, knowing the Russians that means 2 days of torture and life in a Gulag.
For accumulating bastard deeds including cutting off oil to parts of your country to show who the boss is, being mates with the next rulers of the earth (the Chinks) and selling weapons to Iran saying, if we didn't do it someone else would. Russia is sent to the Gallery of Wankers, you sit there and think about things.

Thursday, 17 August 2006

Being President makes me horny

John Prescott, Britain's Deputy Prime Minister was heard to have said that Bush's administration was crap and that George himself was a cowboy. The crap part explained itself but the cowboy bit, either he was calling him gay (Brokeback mountain) or hes saying that cowboys were mostly poorly educated and not fit to run an oil company nevermind a large country.
In Britain the term 'cowboy' is usually applied to tradesmen who do a shoddy job, cowboy builders, cowboy plumbers etc so maybe hes calling him a cowboy president because hes shite.
Prescott, you've been caught saying it don't try to weasel out of it.Old Knudsen thinks that Bush is a twat and will only retract that statement for large sums of money or sexual favours from his young hot wife, no one in their right mind would think that Bush is doing a good job, I bet even Laura gives him a look of contempt as she goes down on his custard chucker, "bring it on aaahhhhhhhhhh mission accomplished".
I've heard Tony Blair being called America's Poodle, Old Knudsen doesn't know what the yanks have on him but it must be pretty bad to have him put up with this Iraq nonsense , maybe pictures of Tony sticking his beef bayonet into another woman, a man would be ok, that's quite normal for English politicians but a woman?, well that's just too American.

Bush has been fund raising for GOP candidates, he was seen revving up a Harley Davidson for a photo op imagining he looked like Bono because he wore blue tinted glasses, Old Knudsen is a big fan of bono and you mister president looked more like Cher HA!.
Glad to see he can still have a good time, muck around and have some fun while his troops fight his wars, inspired leadership indeed.

The Love boat sunk, all hands lost

Since Old Knudsen's last wife passed on its been very lonely up here at the cottage, when I say passed on I am referring to her moving to Inverness to live in sin with that meat head Jackie Phillips, to be honest I'm not even sure if we were actually married in a legal sense of the word, good luck to them says I. Agnes has this thing she does, everytime she blows her nose or sneezes she farts, this is then followed by her laughing so hard that tears roll down her face, she wasn't too smart but was a hard worker, as long as she had her East Enders, Emmerdale and take the high road she was happy, that was until Jackie and his steroid induced muscles showed up to work at the meat counter, he is way too old to be body building, must have a small willy, he'll be like a bee in a jar with Agnes, I will miss the free cuts of meat she'd come home with.

My Grandson Gavin comes around sometimes to show me how to work this computer, I'd be lost without him, hes a good lad, a bit weird with his dyed hair and piercings but he has a girlfriend so I'm not too worried about him writing poetry.

Old Knudsen has needs, he needs his washing done, house cleaned, meals cooked and the garden needs a good digging. I have a nice little cottage with an indoor privy and I can get my doctor to prescribe me Viagara , my knees aren't what they used to be and considering I've half my leg missing from fighting the Japs at Normandy you will have to do most of the work, I have 2 of my own teeth left and if you like skin tags and hairy moles then you're in luck.

You can have the cottage and my pension after I'm gone, don't worry, Gavin has a plan, its only illegal if you get caught, Old Knudsen has had a T.V. for years and no licence, fuck the BBC, those telly nazis, they put on a load of crap and expect you to pay for it.

I want a hot young thing with big tities who isn't camera shy aged 18 to 50, all her own teeth and limbs, with a desire to be controlled, manipulated and exploited, no questions asked, no Americans need reply, they are a little too coarse for Old Knudsen's refined sensibilities.

Wednesday, 16 August 2006

Old Knudsen, Lord of the Rings

Other religions that aren't mine are obviously wrong, Old Knudsen doesn't care about religious intolerance, I don't agree with Hitler, are you going to whine about me being anti Nazi?, just shut up you slags.

Old Knudsen has read about 10 of L. Ron Hubbard's books in his time, entertaining enough but I'm not going to worship the guy.

Those Scientologists are dangerous people, morons with money, so therefore dangerous, the Americans would usually call a moron with money, 'Mister President' but there are plenty of others out there, if America can have Catholic presidents then maybe in another 100 years or so you'll get a Black, female or even a Scientologist president, maybe one that's all three, a PMSing bitch who is crazy as fuck with a chip about Whitey on her shoulder.

Back to Scientology, big enough name for ya?, this successful Sci-Fi writer came up with the idea that we are infested with alien spirits called 'Thetans', and if we go through an audit and pay thousands of dollars we can get the all clear, some call it therapy but it sounds as if you might need that too.

Maybe these Thetans are the ones that make Old Knudsen's hole itch when he goes to bed at night, "No! Frodo, don't put your finger in the ring".

Old Knudsen can't believe that anyone could fall for this, it was Hubbard's job to make shit like this up, did no one realize this?, also he skimmed millions from the church all through the 70's and early 80's and still people fell for it.

Welcome to Old Knudsenology, you are all infested with sub-space goobers, beamed from the planet Mongo by Lord Xanthan the Dark One, send four easy payments of £999.99 and as soon as your cheques clear you will receive enlightenment.

Old Knudsen accepts no responsibility for your failure to achieve enlightenment, a further course of payments may be needed, individuality and free thought are barriers towards enlightenment and may also make your ring itch.

NASA, you wankers

NASA has lost 700 boxes containing the original recordings of the Moon landings, they have searched for over a year but have not found them, I wonder if it shows you a blooper reel.

Old Knudsen has insisted for years that the Moon landing was a fake, why have they not gone back?, where is our 21st century moonbase ?, I'll tell you where, in a sound stage in Area 51, a ploy to beat Russia and swindle 30 billion from the public.

Do you really think these people are capable of sending astronauts to the Moon and safely back again?, now in the 21st century they are still using 20 year old craft that just go up and cruise, that's assuming a seagull doesn't shit on it and they have to cancel a launch or that the shuttle just doesn't go poof!, Old Knudsen 1 NASA nil.

Slutty birds of a feather stick together

The reason why this fat bird is all sticky is because she's into Bukkake, I thought it was a stupid game with numbers and a grid, boy was Old Knudsen shocked, this fowl mouthed Yankee whore loves to talk shit about people, Old Knudsen isn't into that but you might be, so go on, click Fat Sparrow good and hard right now.

Menu for world peace

Old Knudsen has nothing against the Spanish, if they want to have intercourse with their own family members as well as sheep, and if they want to throw goats off buildings, kill bulls for sport and get made into Al Qaeda's bitch well that's their business, just for the record I support running with the bulls, it cuts down on morons and gives the bulls payback, I also challenge Osama to hand to hand combat, so go get out of your bathrobe and put some normal clothes on. Old Knudsen has never won in a fair fight in his life, you guessed it he always cheats, my father 'even older Knudsen' advised me to always hit my opponent with whatever was handy and as I wanted to win I would, sage advice.

When Old Knudsen was a fisherman, the restrictions and regulations they put on us really hurt the industry, shutting a lot of boats down. Instead of going to a whore at the docks to catch crabs Old Knudsen had to fish for them. I signed up with a lazy alcoholic called 'Spinner' he was a big fella with the gift of the gab, for reasons Old Knudsen couldn't work out the women loved him, a lot of times he wouldn't bother turning up for work, Old Knudsen knew the creels would be full so I'd go and empty and re bait them on my lonesome, well I needed the money, sure it was dangerous but as long as I stayed in my boat in an upright position I'd be fine, I can do the work of 3 normal men anyway, if I fell over I was fucked, its not like any of us could swim, we didn't have survival suits and the waters around the Inner Hebrides were fucking cold, we wore lots of layers of clothing under our oil skins and waders that would fill with water and pull us down if we couldn't get them off, just watch what you are doing and don't get pulled in by the out going lines.

We worked around the coast catching green crabs, the odd velvet crab and lobster were bonuses, Spinner sold them to the Spanish, those dirty bastards then put them into a soup.
Its amazing what the uncivilized nations of the world will eat, if Old Knudsen ruled the world he would set up the menu for world peace.

For breakfast a fry up, fried eggs, toast, fried bread, bacon, sausage, blood sausage and beans, for lunch and dinner you could have a fish supper, pasty supper, sausage supper and a burger and chip, (don't know why its not called a burger supper) see?, plenty of choice, all served with a nice cup of Rosey Lee (tea), if the world followed this menu then there would be unity and peace, no more odd balls saying,"Oh I can't eat bacon because pigs are unclean," firstly, pigs don't sweat, secondly I'd have the butcher spray it off, its not like your rashers fell on the floor, suck it up wuss, eat piggy. Only God could create something so tasty with so much delicious meat (the same with cows) so don't insult God, get stuck in, or do Vegetarians, Vegans and the other weird cults around the world not want peace?, you are what you eat, do you want to be a crab or a vegetable or do you want to be one of God's pigs or a burger and chip?, it's a rhetorical question, only a nutcase would choose the first two.

I'm up for the Darwin award

Old Knudsen has one thing to say about the theory of evolution, it's just a fucking theory, obviously a crap one or it would have been proven by now. Does Old Knudsen look like a fucking monkey?, the answer is no you ballbags, Old Knudsen is a beautiful human being, made in God's image, that God must be a very handsome fellow.

If man was made in God's image then he probably used up his animal parts to make women, that would explain the attraction some have towards sheep, not mentioning any names, (the Welsh, the Spanish) if you make a woman in God's image then you have a Russian athlete, there was no Mrs God so I think that proves Old Knudsen's, well we won't say theory because it's fact and it's history, so we'll call it 'Factory', I may have to copyright that word.

I can believe that Satan planted fake dinosaur bones and gave us a tail bone and common DNA to animals, just to fuck with our heads, he even forced us to exhibit monkey behaviour, and why?, because the Devil is a wanker, I just want to get some of my mates, and hunt that bastard down and beat him to death with our fists, you know like a China man and a dog.

I wouldn't put it past the Devil to have planted the Apes too, remember when they got old Chuck Heston in a cage because he was the prophet of God?, wasn't so funny then now was it?,"You damn dirty apes, go wash your hands before you give me a hand job", Old Knudsen is paraphrasing from memory, anyway, if it's not in the Bible its not real, except for my rants, God talks to me out of a hat so its all cool dude, I like to throw in street talk for the young 'uns .

Another one of Satan's unholy creations are lemurs, those creepy little bug eyed monkey rats, Old Knudsen went on safari in Madagascar some years back, I tried to do God's work but they repopulated, mostly due to the indifference of non-believers, when the Rapture comes, Old Knudsen will laugh his tits off as he flies towards the Mothership and you fuckers are left behind.

Tuesday, 15 August 2006

God, I'm beautiful

Testing, testing, is this thing on? Am I on the Interweb?